What is a Successful Marriage?

Middle aged married couple hugging

In the beginning, there are “I do’s” and big hopes. There are plans, dreams, and aspirations. Many people have these dreams long before they commit to a partner for life, and sometimes even before they meet their lifelong companion. As the big day approaches and well into the first year of life together, unsolicited advice comes tumbling in from every direction as people try to explain how to make a marriage work.

So, despite all that unsolicited advice, what is a successful marriage, and how are you supposed to know if you have one? Some people believe that as long as your marriage isn’t unsuccessful, you’ve achieved a successful marriage. There are countless books written on the subject, each offering opinions and more unsolicited advice (although, if you bought the book, is it still unsolicited?) that describe in great detail how to have and embrace a successful marriage. You can read every book ever printed and still find yourself asking, “What is a successful marriage?”

In reality, only the two of you can define what a successful marriage means. However, there are a few key ingredients that are common to some of the happiest marriages on the planet. No marriage can truly be successful without a healthy dose of self-respect. While I may be veering into more unsolicited advice, self-respect provides the basic framework for your relationship. It is the easel on which your relationship is painted. If one partner seriously lacks self-respect, chances are you won’t have a partnership, but a dictatorship within five to ten years. Self-respect sets the boundaries for which behaviors you will accept and which ones you won’t. It prevents you from being stuck in a marriage filled with chronic unfaithfulness and establishes limits on how your spouse is permitted to speak to you.

Judging whether your marriage is successful is a continuous process, not a one-time decision. You are a changing, growing individual, and so is your spouse. By default, this makes your marriage a growing, breathing, and fluid entity. A successful marriage encourages each partner to grow and become a better person both within the relationship and outside of it. A healthy and successful marriage creates an environment where each partner feels nurtured, where the relationship feels like the safest place on earth. Over time, both parties may find they no longer have that urgent desire to rush home just to be with their spouse, but it should still be considered the safest place on earth for both individuals.

A successful marriage also holds the individual in as high regard as the couple. No one should have to give up their identity or become less of themselves to maintain a healthy marriage. This is not an excuse for bad behavior—after all, you are not your behavior. If your partner asks you to stop belittling their attempts at a new career or to ask for things more politely, turning around and saying, “That’s just the way I am and I should be accepted,” is not a healthy approach. Changing your behaviors toward each other is a sign of growth, not changing who you are.

As time goes on, it can be easy to become complacent with each other. If comfort and safety are signs of a successful marriage, how can complacency not be? Because complacency is akin to taking each other for granted. People need to feel valued and loved, no matter how long they’ve been together. They need to feel respected, honored, and cherished—even after fifty years of marriage. So, what is a successful marriage? It’s one that doesn’t grow stale with time. When you feel safe, loved, and honored, and can communicate well with each other, you are definitely on the right track, regardless of whether you’ve been together for just a year or have spent seventy years knowing every noise, smell, excuse, and habit of one another.

Arguments Are OK

Does arguing mean you have an unsuccessful marriage? No, not at all. Arguments, as painful as they can be, are often caused by one of two things: either one partner feels their values have been violated, or one partner feels personally attacked. What people value most—such as security, safety, boundaries, or stability—can feel like a personal threat when these needs are unmet or threatened in some way. Most often, these values are threatened accidentally. Most arguments stem from that threat or unmet need, coupled with the common reluctance to admit when we are wrong. Arguments can be a way of communicating these matters and resolving the issue. Would it be healthier to sit down and discuss the problem calmly? Of course. But often, the person initiating the emotional debate doesn’t fully understand the scale of the issue, which can make emotions the driving force behind the argument. When occasional arguments lead to a deeper understanding of one another, strengthen communication, and foster growth, they are not unhealthy. However, chronic arguing or arguing over the same unresolved issues is not healthy.

Life is not easy. Throughout your marriage, you and your partner will be challenged over and over again. There will absolutely be times when it feels like staying together and pushing through rough patches seems pointless. A successful marriage is made up of two people who are committed to putting in the effort to make it work because there is no guarantee that it will always be sunshine and roses.

Some people will always challenge themselves. Some couples will continually strain to grow and love more deeply, while others will find comfort in the known and secure. So, really, what is a successful marriage? If you’re growing through life, finding home to be a happy place filled with humor and safety, and you are continually learning about yourself and your spouse, then chances are, you are experiencing a successful marriage.

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