When you’re pregnant with your first baby, you imagine a world filled with rainbows, unicorns, and magical fairy dust from the moment they are born—and for the eighteen years that follow. However, it’s only after your baby arrives that you understand the sadness only a mother can experience. Often, the first wave of sadness comes immediately after delivery, when you realize that the sweet time of pregnancy has come to an end. Not many women think they’ll miss being pregnant, but it can truly be one of the greatest times of our lives. As they say, hindsight is 20/20.
But honestly, there is a sadness—or perhaps more appropriately, a bittersweetness—that comes with every stage of motherhood. For the sensitive and sentimental mother, these emotions can sometimes feel crushing to the spirit. I happen to be that type of mom, and my maternal feelings fluctuate wildly throughout each day of parenting my three daughters. It can be exhausting, and I try to control my emotions instead of letting them control me—usually to no avail.
The Ghosts of Motherhood
You see, this sadness I speak of haunts me like the three spirits from A Christmas Carol: The Ghost of Motherhood Past, the Ghost of Motherhood Present, and the Ghost of Motherhood Yet to Come. Each new day brings a full range of feelings that sometimes catch me off guard and can even launch me into a state of melancholia. Not to say that it’s an undesirable state. I’ve grown very comfortable with it and embrace this part of motherhood fully as a necessary element of who I am. After all, going with the flow is one of the key ways to truly enjoy motherhood.
Some days, I’m so wistful that I spend hours reminiscing about how my kids were once sweet, little babies. I miss the delicious smell of their peach-fuzz-covered heads. I long to hold them in my arms and feel their soft breath on my neck as they sleep. I wish I could go back for just one day and experience it all over again. I’m consumed by regret for ever hoping the long, hard days of their infancy would go by faster. Looking through old pictures leaves me feeling solemn and remorseful rather than happy and content. They exist simply to remind me that time flies by far too quickly.
Sadness in my present state of motherhood comes from watching my children struggle. Whether it’s with sickness, bullying, or bad grades, my heart aches when my girls face hardship of any kind. Each day they grow more independent, and I can’t simply kiss their boo-boos and make their pain go away like I could when they were little. Everyone has to overcome obstacles in life—even our kids—but even knowing that, it still hurts to see them suffer.
And the future? I literally cry over the future milestones of my motherhood. The major moments my daughters will reach—like getting a driver’s license, going to prom, graduating from high school, and then college, and eventually getting married?! Be still, my heart. And if my daughters and their husbands decide to move more than two hours away from us, all bets are off. I’ll be more than just “sad.”
It’s hard to think past that time in my life, but I know that once I have grandkids, I’ll likely experience some sadness related to them and their lives as well. Beyond that, I may encounter some sadness in my later years if my kids are too busy for me. I never want to be a burden to them—or at least, I never want to feel like a burden, even if I’m not. I try hard not to think too far ahead. There are too many uncertainties on the road ahead to predict what my future will be like with any accuracy.
All of this to say that I’m not always sad. Obviously, I experienced sadness before motherhood, but it was more self-centered, focused purely on myself and my own life. I also didn’t experience the same level of joy that I now do in my role as a mother. The joy that pride in our children brings is indescribable. Only other mothers (and maybe some fathers, too) can understand what I mean. The happiness of motherhood (almost) makes the sadness of it bearable.
Sadness is a part of life—for mothers and everyone else. But I truly believe that mothers feel ALL the feelings a little bit stronger than most. Our children are born of our flesh and blood. They are a physical part of our being, out walking around in the world. Their pain is our pain, just as their joy is our joy. We forfeit our autonomy and somewhat live vicariously through all of our children once they’re born. Our feelings are magnified and intensified—good or bad.
If I’ve learned anything as I’ve gotten older, it’s the importance of living in the moment. We moms can get bogged down if we spend too much time reminiscing about the past or worrying about the future. There are enough emotions in the day-to-day ins and outs of life to keep us busy for now. I think it’s also so important to teach our kids to live the same way. Living in the moment is the best way to achieve a content life. If they witness us obsessing over their early years too often, they might feel guilty about growing up. Likewise, if we spend all our time fretting about their future, they might end up terrified to grow up altogether.
Yes, so much about being a mom is very sad, but so much of it is magical, filled with unicorns and fairy dust. And that’s something we can be happy about.
