If you gave your mom a lot of heartache during your teenage years and the two of you didn’t get along that well, we bet she would give anything to marry you off and send you packing. She’ll likely sigh (and maybe even snicker), relieved that finally, your turn has come.
On the other hand, if you’ve had a wonderful relationship with your mom, chances are she’ll also rejoice at the news of your marriage, as it means she doesn’t have to worry about you as much. She’ll still worry a bit – mothers will always be mothers – but at least you’ll be someone else’s preoccupation from now on. She deserves some space. Even though mothers may experience empty nest syndrome, we think they’ve paid their dues and need to be given their freedom back.
Raising kids is a heroic task, a thankless job that often triggers premature aging. At least we have “Mother’s Day,” which comes around once a year. Sure, when kids leave home to start families of their own, the nostalgia sets in – but just for a while – and some mothers will rightfully say, “Ah, now she’ll understand what it’s been like for me all these years.”
As you look back on your childhood and teenage years, do you remember if your mom ever talked about marriage? We don’t mean discussions about marriage 101 or advice on how to manage your husband at a party, despite half-clad seductive women milling about. Now that you have a husband, do you think there were things your mother didn’t tell you about marriage that she should have?
Were there revelations she was too embarrassed to share with you? We’re curious because we’re convinced there were certain things your mom chose to keep to herself out of fear that you might have made a 360-degree turn and renounced your rights to a marriage made in heaven – and stayed home indefinitely.
What your mom didn’t tell you about marriage is perhaps her way of letting you find out for yourself what that man you married is really like. Since you’ve always been rebellious about her advice (“Mom, please, let me do this on my own, I’m an adult, remember?”) and insisted on doing things your way, she kept a stiff upper lip about those little facts that you now wish she had shared.
No money left for perfume, only… Detergent. Yes, detergent.
You mean, mom didn’t tell you that for the first five years of marriage and the first ten years of the mortgage, you’d have to stop spending money on Elizabeth Arden because you seem to need an endless supply of Tide to scrub the muck off junior’s pants? Mind you, Tide doesn’t smell like Arden’s latest scent, but at least it comes in different scents like breezy mountain and lemony lemon. You’ll have to make do with that for the next decade of wedded bliss.
It used to be that your dresser was lined with the most expensive perfumes, and buying them one after the other didn’t hurt your wallet. Now, your pockets are empty, with every cent going into detergent, fabric softener, and stain removers because your husband’s shirts and tops reek of boardroom tobacco and hockey sweat.
Picking their noses in secret…
When you excitedly told your mom that you’d finally met the man of your dreams, boasting that ideal husbands really do exist (despite her cynicism), did you notice how she tried so hard to suppress a giggle? Did you see that look of pity on her face when you bragged about your future husband’s impeccable manners – like he was born and raised in some upper-class boarding school in Scotland?
Then, a week after you settled into your new house, you walked into his study to ask him to come to bed… and froze.
There he was, hunched over his computer – his right hand on the mouse and the pointer finger of his left hand pushing up his left nostril like a Black & Decker power drill on full power. You stared at him in disbelief, fighting to hold back the tears.
“You’re treating this like I deserve the capital punishment.”
“For crying out loud, Jim, you told me you went to private school!”
“I did, but what has that got to do with picking my nose? Don’t you know that 99.99% of the male population picks their noses, especially when working? It helps them think better.”
“That’s disgusting. I’m not buying that. There’s tissue all over this house. Why can’t you use tissue like everyone else?”
“It’s not as effective as a bare finger.”
You walk out of the study, deciding there’s no way he’s going to run his fingers down your back again. You shudder as you think of your mom. She never complained about your father picking his nose. If 99.99% of males do it to boost their mental power, why didn’t mom tell you, you wonder?
Husbands too should have been warned!
Turning now to the men, are there things your mother didn’t tell you about marriage – at least before you rushed out, spent four months’ worth of your salary, knelt before her, proclaimed your love, and popped the question? Couldn’t she have at least warned you that you were marrying not just one woman, but an entire clan of in-laws – great grandparents, cousins, and your father-in-law’s loyal barber from the Old World, who expects to be fed lunch when he visits on Wednesdays?
Your mother was an expert in cross-cultural relations. Why didn’t she tell you that, in some countries, you actually marry a whole network of friends and relatives? Your house turns into the town’s meeting hall. At the end of the day, your kitchen pantry is empty, and your sink smells of so-called exotic flavors that linger in the air for days.
You come home after a grueling day at the office, exhausted, expecting a delicious meal of steak and potatoes. Instead, your wife places a plate in front of you with what looks like a mosaic of colors and textures – dishes you can’t even pronounce! You look back longingly at the days when you enjoyed your mom’s old-fashioned stew. A man needs real, hearty food.
“What’s this, honey? Is the steak buried under this mound of grass?”
“It’s vegetarian. Took me half a day to cook it. Trust me, this is good for your colon.”
“I love my colon, hon, but I’d rather fill my stomach. I’d like some meat and potatoes for a change.”
“Oh, stop whining. Your mom fed you too much meat. Aren’t you scared of mad cow’s disease?”
“Actually, if I don’t get what I want to eat soon, I’ll be a raging mad cow myself. I want meat. You and your tribe can eat whatever you want – but when I come home, I expect nothing short of bacon – the real McCoy, okay? I never liked grass. I told you that before we got married. Never mind the fancy foods. Just good old-fashioned meat and potatoes for me.”
Of course, another thing your mom didn’t tell you about marriage is that the missus is easily offended if you don’t appreciate her culinary talents. She’ll hurry to the bedroom, lock herself in, and give you the cold shoulder forever. The only way to win her back is to open your wallet… and spend a fortune on a cocktail dress or a Jacuzzi.
Speaking of wallets…
When you were dating your current wife, she was so proud of her financial planning skills – valuable lessons her father had taught her as a child. “Dad used to say, ‘If you can’t afford it, you can’t have it. Save your money first, then see if you still need or want it. Don’t go into debt for instant gratification.’”
That alone convinced you that the financial health of your marriage would be solid, the type of thing Barron’s or Fortune would approve of. Prudent personal spending means a nation of robust savers.
What your mother didn’t tell you about marriage, however, is that it almost cost your father an arm and a leg to fight bankruptcy proceedings because her credit card spending went through the roof.
“Your father was so livid with anger that you almost grew up without him. He said either I give up my credit cards or he was walking out of the marriage. With no money of my own, you’d think I’d be stupid to let him walk out like that.”
Now, you’re waking up from a nightmare. The cycle is repeating itself. This time, your wife, who once claimed to be a smart financial planner, is applying her skills in ways that would make your professors proud. Not a day goes by without her planning how to spend money – yours, by the way, since hers ran out a few months before the wedding. All of it went to her plastic surgeon.
Just yesterday, she was talking about a cherry wood glass-stained cabinet. “It would be perfect for our crystal collection,” she said excitedly.
You had to park the car by the curb to calmly tell her that you don’t have a crystal collection, nor does anyone in the family. Then she gives you that little girl look, puts her hand on your knee, and says, “We ARE going to have a crystal collection. A shipment’s arriving from England in a week. That’s why I thought it was smart planning to order the cabinet days ahead.”
Naturally, you begin to sweat because if your mother had only told you what she DIDN’T tell you about marriage, this wouldn’t be happening.
“You know we have a mortgage payment coming up. Why couldn’t the crystal and cabinet wait until next year?”
“We have the option to skip mortgage payments.”
“We’ve skipped six already this year!”
Your thoughts go back to your mother. You realize now why your parents never stopped fighting.
Is this the fate of the male species? Do they end up marrying women who resemble their mothers?
Why didn’t mom give you the essential briefing before marriage? She was good at talking about everything else, so why didn’t she tell you the things you needed to know about marriage?
Mom didn’t tell you things about marriage because…
The reasons are clear. As kids, we often expressed resentment and anger every time they gave their opinions. We’d complain about their unsolicited advice, calling them outdated, cynical, or interfering. For their part, they didn’t want to appear opposed to the marriage because you’d label them judgmental or closed-minded.
Another reason your mom didn’t tell you certain things about marriage is that she didn’t want to sound like a dissatisfied, unhappy spouse. She had learned to accept whatever shortcomings your father had and took him in – warts and all – as her lifelong partner. If you ever wondered why they slept in separate bedrooms, you’d realize later that it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other anymore. It was more likely due to nocturnal habits. He passed gas during the night (imagine a wintry evening when all windows are closed), and she snored nonstop, making your father feel like his sanctuary had turned into a noisy bowling alley.
When you’re young, there are things about marriage you wouldn’t understand anyway, no matter how much your mom tried to tell you. But when you hit your 30s, you think you know enough about marriage, so what your mom didn’t tell you about marriage seems irrelevant.
It’s only when you marry and raise an unmanageable brood that you begin to realize that perhaps your mom should have insisted on telling you more about marriage. Or maybe you should have been more willing to listen.
Besides, society needs more marriages – to outpace the divorce rate. And as one writer said, marriages are a great way to promote civilization: If you marry a good woman, you’ll be happy; if you marry a bad one, you become a philosopher.
