What to Do When a Spouse Threatens Divorce

Sure, arguments among married people can get pretty heated even over some of the silly things in life. But what happens when the person you are married to constantly resorts to threatening divorce whenever the two of you have a problem? At some point, you may realize that this person is all bark and no bite, but the emotional damage in the meantime can certainly destroy a marriage. Even more important, is the fact that if someone is constantly threatening to divorce you, eventually you may be compelled to take him or her up on the offer. So, what should you do when a spouse threatens divorce?

Many schools of thought about marriage seem to indicate that couples should see divorce as a consequence in a marriage. If you are constantly aware that there could be some reactions from your actions, divorce being one of them, you will be less likely to stray from the straight and arrow path, right? And by realizing the possibility of divorce, you will always be able to negotiate through the muddy waters of marriage with some clarity. The problem with this line of thinking is that it creates quite a bit of insecurity in a marriage. If you are constantly worrying or thinking about the fact that you could end up divorced, or that your partner could ultimately leave you you will proceed with such caution that you will fail to be authentic. This is no way to be married. (At least no good way to be). And the bottom line is that marriage should be about security and stability, not insecurity and sporadic behavior.

Most people, use the threat of divorce for the sheer ‘shut-up’ factor. They know that when things aren’t going their way or that there is a problem looming; they can avoid confrontation and argument by simply saying they want a divorce. This works especially well if the person using the threat realizes that the spouse they are threatening will shrivel at the mere mention of the ‘D’ word. Suffice it to say, if threatening divorce works’.and you always back down from your position or from the argument when the word is hailed, you have a part in teaching your partner this behavior. And no, this doesn’t make it any more right. It actually indicates that there is a major problem in your relationship that has much more to do with respect and compassion than it does the ‘issue’ at hand.

Essentially, many people use the divorce card as a succinct way to ‘win’ or end an argument.

Yet, there is another factor as well. Often, when people are unhappy in a marriage they displace their feelings on the other person. For instance, when someone is cheating, they often accuse the partner of cheating. When it comes to threatening divorce, it very well could be that your partner is trying to plant ideas in YOUR head, because the divorce is what they really want. Lots of people are unhappy in their relationships, and even with no valid reasons would be happier without the ring and ties of marriage. So by constantly threatening divorce, they are looking for ways to justify how they feel, or hopefully set the wheels in motion (in your head) with the hopes that they wont be the bad guy.

Unfortunately, it is difficult at best to understand or decide which motive your partner has in threatening divorce.

The best advice that you can be given is to understand this. First of all, idle threats and intimidation WILL NOT work in a marriage. You might as well be divorced. The emotional ramifications of being treated like this will stymie your happiness and your growth as a person. So what you need to do if you are on the receiving end of these threats is to just once say, ‘Okay!’ ‘Move out!’ ‘Let’s do it!’ And mean it. Perhaps a trial separation will help you realize that the marriage isn’t healthy. But more important by calling this person on their threats, you force them to pay attention to what THEY are saying, and stand up for yourself in the process. Sure, it could be scary to respond in this manner, however if you are never able to move past the issues at hand or discuss problems in your marriage to the point of resolution, you really have nothing to lose.

Depending on your partners personality set, they may react in numerous ways. They may try to cast blame on you, or they may back peddle a little (or a lot) realizing that they have threatened divorce one too many times. Either way, it could be a positive changing point in your relationship.

Yet, you should realize that what you have to say, discuss and what you feel should be heralded as important. When someone loves you, they shouldn’t have to resort to childish tactics of making threats to get their way. And just as divorce is a consequence for improper actions in a marriage, calling his or her bluff is an appropriate consequence for dealing with a spouse who constantly threatens divorce.

The bottom line is this! Threatening divorce is not the way to deal with issues in the marriage. Eventually the person on the receiving end of these threats will tire of them, and will lose their fear of being divorced in lieu of being free from this sort of treatment from someone they love. Yes, there are certain issues within your marriage that may warrant divorce, or the threat of divorce. But it isn’t something that healthy couples say every time they argue. The best advice is to get help as a couple or simply get out of the relationship.



57 Responses

  1. That’s perfect crap. Everyone threatens divorce for all kinds of things, from the most trivial to more serious. There’s a big difference between voicing your discontent and actually filing papers. Or actually leaving the home.

    1. Dixie, I wonder why you have read through this… It isn’t ‘crap’. Brinkmanship in a marriage is disastrous to stability. If it is all bluff the person making the threat is, likely, very immature in some serious way. In any case, something is off if one/both partners are saying this often. That you seem to find it normal makes me wonder.

    2. It’s actually disfunctional and won’t end well. Plenty of people have relationships without needing to resort to that. Of course it happens, but if you don’t address the underlying issues your doing yourself a disservice

    3. Well I see Dixie is one of these women that uses the D word as a tool. Hope you fill like a big woman. Yeah, you are so tough.

    4. That isn’t true. I have NEVER threatened divorce, yet my husband does it regularly, and as a result, I have begun to shut down.

      1. I also have shut down. I am conlled. When my husband talks degrading to me and I try to stand up for myself (not by getting angry, just to calmly say Im hurt by those words), my husband threatens with d. He knows a divorce is my biggest fear cause Im a child of divorce. I am a genuinly kind person. Loving. I am educated (I work as a doctor in family medicin), Im a caring mother, a good friend. But at home Im so controlled. By words. All the time. People around us believe we are a superfamily. But in fact Im suffering so hard. By all the words. And in my case I can never say or hint that I find the words hurtful. Then comes the threatening of d. My plan is just to cope. And hopefullly within 10 years when testosteron levels go down he also will calm down.

        1. Wow, I wondered if others felt the same. My husband has a way with his words and when he is angry NOTHING matters. He says some of the ugliest things and for the most part none of them are truths. I think he does it trying to manipulate my emotions. The sad part is, he gets angry about thoughts that he has and believes yet NONE of them are true. He creates insecure stories and make them be all about me???? When people see us as a couple they say yall been together forever and such a good couple and the whole time, I am mentally tired and deeply upset with what I am getting from my husband during his what I call “pyschotic episodes”. We have two girls and I hate that they see this often. He is either really in love with his family or extremely thinks we are out to hurt him, lie to him, make him look bad, and just don’t want the best for him???? All this is nonsense, and I am to the point when he says he wants a divorce, I am contemplating acting on it. I have been coping with this situation for over 20 yrs and it has gotten the best of my emotions!!!! I have prepared papers a couple of months ago he said he would sign them yet he ripped them up and stated he was just upset he don’t want a divorce and he needs his family. Now, 2 mos later, we are back to the same psychotic episodes, silent treatment, ugly talking, disrespect, and fault blaming. I am so at a lost for words and tired of feeling this way!!!!

          1. My husband reads his Bible, can quote scripture and play this nice kind and gentle soul around church and family.
            He will get angry at me over the silliest things then threaten divorce.
            The other night, 30 mins after Couples Bible study he called me F’ B and f’in everything else while he held a huge knife and destroyed a watermelon!!
            He was psychotic!
            He has actually filed in me 3 times and has had me served at my job.
            I am exhausted and almost to the point I’m going to call his bluff.
            A true Christian does not act and treat his wife like he does.
            He’s NOT the person he portrays.

    5. As someone whose husband threatens divorce in the majority of arguments (the first time being less than a week after the wedding), I can say that I went from a confident, happy person to someone that is full of self loathing, I feel like rubbish that will be eventually thrown away and like my “soul mate” will throw me under the bus at any moment.
      It’s completely destroyed me. I now self harm and have suicidal thoughts.

      So no, it’s not complete shit and it’s not normal to constantly threaten your spouse with divorce.

  2. My husband threatens divorce all the time. Even as far as telling me he filled out the ppwk, and I have three months to get out of the house. I am always talking him out of it, but it usually comes with rules such as you can never bring it up again (even if it isn’t discussed), and as usual it’s shoved under the rug. Well, there is no more room under the rug, and I’m emotionally taxed. Any apology I receive, which is rare to begin with, requires that I also apologize even if I did nothing but share my feelings. It’s sickening, it’s unhealthy, and I no longer feel like myself. My daughter has observed most arguement and seen them as well. The threats of divorce usually include the silent treatment for days, and sometimes longer. This includes my daughter, meaning she is also ignored as punishment although she was never involved, but just overheard it.

    1. My husband is doing the same thing and things are shoved under the rug. Any argument happens he threatens me and then a few days later he is fine. I am also sick and tired. Worse part is he says I am not worthy of being a mother and that he wont have children with me. 4 years in marriage and this is what i get.

      1. Hi Megan,
        I’m 34 years old and have been married 2 yrs. (been together 4yrs.) I’m experiencing your same situation. My situation is extremely abusive and on top of him threatening me with divorce since we got married I have finally reached my breaking point. We no longer live together and I want children so my only best decision is to file myself and make a happy life for myself. Don’t tolerate the threats, it’s destructive and most likely lead to a divorce. If you really want to save it then a professional will have to be involved.

    2. I see the responses here are from Oct 2016, I wish I could talk to you.
      I have been married for 5 months. Only weeks after we were married he said he wanted a divorce. 3 months later he says it again…and same on our 4th month.
      I sold my home that I loved to marry and live in HIS place. A planned on using the money from the sale of my place for our retirement and add in to the house. My security that I thought I had is GONE. Money sits in the bank as I may need it for a new place if we get divorced. He has no clue as to the amount of damaged he has caused. My walls are up and I’m deeply hurt and have regret. My 3rd marriage and knew it would be my last..or so I thought.

      1. Hey Jane.. I am Jim…
        I am married since 9 years.
        I am German..my wife American.
        After living 5 years in Germany
        .. And 6 years in the USA together..
        Leaving all behind I had.
        She started threatning me with police for no reasons and telling me to mive out every time she gets upset.. Knowing I have nowhere to go.. Nothing but bills to pay.. Low income…
        Its 4 am right now and In in the same insane situation right now… She told me to move out by tomm. Or she calls police.
        I already went yo jail twice because her kids causing trouble.. Went all beat up to the hospital 3 times by her kids incl. one big surgery on my hand and 4 months being out of work because of the insury….
        Most of the arguments even the kids moved out are still because of them..
        No she claming that she hates me and my voice..
        Left a secure job in Germany .. My 3 kids and everything..
        Now after all she controls me with the fear of police who does not care about men at all…
        One wrong word.. And she drinks .. Gosh.. I better run..
        I live in Florida and surviving outside is hardly possible..
        God bless

      2. Your story could be mine!! I’ve lost my two daughters 17 & 19 Because I married a man who made me so happy after 25 years of hell. But within a month of our marriage that happiness to turned to hell. When he’s normal he’s lovely, but you can’t make a comment like, put the toilet seat down or please clean up after you rolled you fag, because days later it comes back to bite you!!!!
        It’s like living on eggshells, even in my own flat! I so desperately want the marriage to work. I’m wondering if it is actually me!!!

    3. It’s actually emotional abuse. You need to find the resources in yourself for self love. That fact that he is threatening you with homelessness is alarming. You have rights and are entitled to half of everything, even super splitting if You are married or have lived as a defacto for more than 3 years. Especially if you have a child together. He will have to pay spousal and child support. If i were you I would put aside some money and find a safe place away from the house from which you can negotiate with him safely. You don’t deserve to be treated like that no matter how great he is. Maybe he will agree to councelling and learn some communication skills. Maybe he will dig in deeper, but you are entitled to feel safe and loved. Don’t dismiss your feelings, you can’t change them, and everyone has a right to feel heard

    4. My wife does this all the time. Usually at the end of a 30 minute rant in front of the kids running me down & telling me what a loser I am.

      I am sufficiently sick of it that once the kids are out of school I am going to walk

    5. Hey hope you are well I am a male and started to look at this stuff cause lately I been dropping the d word down .

      The truth is that I don’t want it , but for some reason when wife doesn’t perform or neglects my daughter I get really pissed , and say I did say do you want a divorce , hoping that she respond and say don’t mention stuff like that , and just once her to say it hurts when you say that , yes i it’s a argument breaker and a winging way out that both no it’s silly to do so with 4 kids .
      Him doing the paper work is bit steep and the terms and conditions but truth is husband and wife need to snap out of it , the reason he don’t want to speak and bring it up ever again is that he feel very guilty. I feel ugly even if I win the argument but if o drop
      That’s word some were in the argument it does mentally and heart break you . I have to be careful I put my wife through some nasty words ect but what burns me the most these days it seems that if the man doesn’t want to make a move then women doesn’t make it either resulting in more doubt if his wife actually even cares
      It’s hard but time to time just break the ice your self and make him happy , defuse the situation by looking at that person a bit sick , give that close re assurance that you love that person then man needs tlc as well

    6. I too have a similar situation. I know this is an old post, but what did you end up doing? Are you still with your husband? I feel like I don’t have the strength for anything anymore. I love my husband, but I feel so judged by him and never good enough. It’s so unhealthy.

      1. I have situation. He always threaten me with that Word everytime we argue…. And he always say some rude and hurtful things after. He always stop when I started crying….. now im confused what he wants and what he really feels…. Im tired I feel like i just wanna give up. I will have the papers ready and let him sign right away when he open up the shit again. I just wanna be free from this. I know he loves me but everything he said is unforgettable. Even he said sorry pain remains and it’s getting worst. I’m getting tired 🙁

  3. I too deal with these same threats from my husband. ALL our arguments are my fault, all our disagreements (which lease to fights) are my fault. He always is pointing out my flaws and telling me I’m immature, I’m unintelligent, judging me for decisions I made in my past, (b4 HIM), etc. I often ask him…what does he like or love about me? His words are like razor blades and venum he has coming out his mouth is terrible. I’m tired but only been married for 2 1/2 years been together for 5 years tho. He told me yesterday he wanted a divorce over the phone and I hung up in his face and no words have been spoken to each other since and he has slept in our spare bedroom also. I’m at a loss

    1. husband and tell him how I feel about it. He backed out right away and told me he never wanted a divorce. What a jerk. Good luck to you. Stand up for yourself, we are stronger than we think.

    2. I think my previous comment posted incomplete, so I am reposting it:

      My husband has been threatening me with divorce for about a year almost every time we argue. (Married for 7 years, together for 10, 3 children.)Everything is always my fault, I “destroyed his love, and everything that was good in our relationship”. Yesterday after another threat I told him that I am not afraid of him leaving me, divorcing me, and that I will not stop him if he chooses to do so. I refuse to live in a constant fear him leaving. I finally realized that I can not control what he thinks, what he says or what he does. Finally I realize I can not do anything about it. And believe it or not it gave me peace. It also gave me strength to speak up to my husband and tell him how I feel about it. He backed out right away and told me he never wanted a divorce. What a jerk. Good luck to you. Stand up for yourself, we are stronger than we think.

  4. My wife threatens me with divorce every time we argue. We’ve have only been married a year and she started this at only 4 months of marriage. We have a 7 month old daughter together and she is always using her as leverage saying “Im divorcing you and taking our daughter and you will never see her again. I will leave you with absolutely nothing.” I know she can’t do that but it makes me sick to think that she would if she could. I have never once brought up divorce when arguing with her and never once threatned to take our daughter from her. I’m on here to see if anyone could give me any advise on what I should do and before anyone brings it up she doesn’t want to go to counseling because in her eyes I’m the only one that needs it.

    1. I too, would like an answer, My wife and my parents are fighting and I am stuck smack dab in the middle. She wants a divorce because I will not call and cuss out my father. She thinks I am taking their side by not responding to their nasty texts or rude voicemails. Which is so totally not the case. I just don’t think you handle situations like that with violence. I am now on anxiety medication and fear that if she does leave, she will take our son and lie to the courts about me being abusive. The state I live in is ANTI-MAN. I need answers too!

      1. Ask her to understand you. She needs to understand that she can’t be disrespectful to your parents. Your love for her is not contingent on that. Try a reasoned conversation without anger and see if she can understand. She may need reassurance. But if it doesn’t work. You have to walk away. Everyone deserves happiness.

    2. If I were you I would get legal advice regarding your child. Make a statement about her threats. Keep in contact with your daughter. It’ a long hard road in the family Court, but it’s worth the fight. Especially in your daughter’s eyes. Don’t give up on that and the law will be on your side. It’s so unfair to use a child as leverage. She is thinking of herself and not your daughter. Try to take the higher ground and be reasonable. Tell your wife how you feel, even if she doesn’t feel the same. Your feelings are your own and they don’t belong to her. And your a better person for it. If you want a better relationship, you have to start with yourself.

  5. Hello People … I got married to my wife in a rush without quite understanding of me digging my own grave in the process. She is a perfect example of feminazi (super strong headed woman) .. at the time of our marriage she earned more than me .. and I’ve been intimidated ever since. We worked side by side as colleagues and the entire Office knew her character, I knew it somewhat too. However, I was so blinded in love, assumed she would change after marriage. Within the first few weeks of living together in a different city (on job) realised we are way too different from one another .. Been asking her to call off the marriage since, she denied to budge. It’s been on that way till date.
    We have a 9 year old daughter who unlike her mother is soft at heart currently staying with my wife along with her grandparents (who are somewhat wealthy). I’ve been living away from my wife for over an year now ..

    I feel I’ve taken too much shit in life. I’ve known other women and realised not all women are as strong headed. women do things to make a relationship work not break them. She will always compare me with her friends’ husbands and their lifestyle to intimidate me more.

    My wife isn’t up for giving me a divorce. My issue is a little different it’s a threat other way round.

    Clueless at the moment, how it would all end.

  6. Why keep someone just to make them unhappy. Real love is selfless. Anything’ else is not love. It is loneliness and fear. Of course, people do that though. So it’s up to you to decide if you want to try and break through the wall and see someone as the flawed human that we all are. Your happiness is your own responsibility and not someone else’s

    1. And how are you helping Rachel? Let things happens isn’t fixing anything. Don’t you fight for the things that you love? All the woo woo love is part of the 70’s hippy love and drugs crap that spread around. What do you believe in?

      At the very least, seek counseling and see how things can be resolved and guide the marriage.

      If your loved one is sick, you don’t just say “well he’s just sick, oh well, if he dies he dies.” No, you take him to see the doctor, because you care for him. You want him to be well because you love him.

      Give some solid real advise… or we might keep bumping heads.

  7. 6 years in 5 months into the marriage yes we are newly weds… my husband starts (picks) the fights and of course if or when i defend myself he says I’m running my mouth and he’s sick of my BS and threatens Divorce… i do love him which is why it’s so hard to let go we do have a daughter together and i have 2 from a previous marriage i really don’t want another broken family i really want to have a happy marriage! But with the threat of divorce every 2 to 3 weeks I’m at my breaking point idk what do do anymore… a part of me wants to just end it and the other part of me wants to stick it out but these threats are narcissistic and manipulative behaviour it’s got to stop! A i don’t know how to stop it! Advice please

    1. I am sorry to hear about your situation… unfortunately its not uncommon. I think a lot of people share your pain; hoping things will get better, staying for the kids.

    2. Kelli, how did your marriage turn out? If I may ask. I’m in the same situation . I’m 54 don’t want to waste time on a bad marriage.

  8. My husband threatens divorce all the time. We both argue a lot it seems, but when things are good they’re great. And when they’re bad they’re horrible. He swears I’m the one that needs to change. And I when I try to communicate how I feel he overshadows it with how much worse he feels. I feel we both need to change. I don’t know what to do. I’ve known him since I was 11yrs old and after all we’ve been through I really would like advice on how to make things work. We’ve been married for over 3yrs and dated for 5yrs. Help!

  9. My wife loves kids and wants lots of them. I work 6 days a week and evenings for a little extra when I can. My wife is upset I am never home. She very angerly tells me I need to look after our 2 boys more than coming home and playing for half an hour till supper then snuggling on the couch together(with my 3 year old) assisting in carrying out 4 month old, walking with him. I try and hold him as much as possible because it seems my wife just leaves him on his Matt until he squats so she can do something on her own. She tells me I’m on thin ice, she temper that jumps out often. It seems I am the one at fault and whatever I do is not enough.

  10. Ok -everyone understand this life is too short to put up w the BS on a constant basis . Having kids is one thing ( old enough say 14 they get it – you can be a better parent and a separate household ) divorce is not the end of the world it’s better than being sick . Live your life -peacefully
    cause marriage isn’t forever being a parent is .. Best luck to all .
    This too shall pass ..

  11. This is all sad. Verbal abuse is never the answer for the recipient to receive when it comes down to those threats. Especially when nothing is your fault. Telling someone they want a divorce sets an emotional empass that questions the true love of the relationship. I also encounter this from my wife and I simply counter with… then get it started. And of course it never happens and I’m over it. It’s a weakness in ones own mind that gives the other pleasure for their own insecurities. I wish you all the best.

  12. Wow I love this feed makes me feel like I am not alone. Since day one my husband – who was my boyfriend at that time – have been on the ‘break up to makeup’ cycle. I do own the first year as that was my fault and my part 100%. It gets more complicated though- he is a sober alcoholic who was addicted to cocaine in NYC which moved him to California 10 years ago for rehab. Having rebuilt his life I thought he was a pretty good guy. Low and behold something was off very off and sensed it in the befinning and same thing – always my fault. Finally after me breaking up so much he broke up with me for good for 6 months always coming back every two -6 weeks. We finally got back together, I saw my part and wanted to change and I did. He did not. He got worse… always blaming it on me. He started breaking up with me more than ever ! Only to come back a few days later. This went on and on and on. Now we are married. And just before we got married I found out he wa addicted to porn and there were all these problems in his childhood causing him a lot of issuea wirh intimacy today. So everything that was my fault – was him. Now 5 months into marriage I needed space and came home to my dad. Guess what! During this time he has decided he wants divorce. 6 days of me being gone. I’m so hurt. I’m so tired of this. I can’t tell if he is being serious, and like one person said- it’s one thing the threaten divorce and another to actually file. He’s so manipulative and so good at playing games with me and I fall for it everytime. I want to say ok and let him leave me but I am afraid he really will. And I don’t want him to go. I do see this is more about him than me but I want to stay married. He’s supposed to call me here shortly. My anxiety is through the roof.

  13. This sounds like something I’m going through. My current boyfriend and I have been living together off and on for a few years. After every arguement he always says it’s over and leaves. Countless times. I keep letting him back hoping this behaviour will change. But another month goes by and he’s gone again. It’s all arguements over “sharing” the housework too. He assumes I’ll do everything cuz that’s “what a woman’s job is!” He’s been gone for two days. I know I’ll hear from him in a few more days but in the meantime I’ve already started packing up his stuff. Im tired of this behaviour. And I feel better knowing I’m sticking to my guns this time that when he does come back I’m telling him it’s over. This will just continue if I keep letting him come back to me.

  14. The worst your spouse can do to is to kill you emotionally. I have been married just for a year but my wife on every argument tells me she wants a divorce, separation and blah blah, yet she does not know why does she asks for a divorce. But, it has caused a lot damage to our relationship. She does not want to talk about the issues. I am tired of hearing other men are better than I am and that she regrets marrying me. But the truth is that I am thinking about answering her call.

    1. Get out if you haven’t already! Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse only it lasts longer. I’m a firm believer in wedding vows however, sometimes your mental health takes precedence. My ex-husband threatened divorce three days before our first anniversary because I wanted to go out to see friends. I didn’t leave but vowed to myself to get out after that. I had been recovering from a major surgery and he belittled me the entire time. He finally made the threat again and I called reinforcements to the house. He was scared of men. Most bullies are and they told him what was going to happen. He had two days to leave then they were going to escort me back to the house. His four children were there for their weekend visit. He truly thought nothing would happen because his kids were there. He would have to find somewhere to live. I took what money was mine from the bank account and that was that. He then filed for divorce on our second anniversary because I would not take him back. I have been so happy without him in my life.

  15. if you do not have kids and are already experiencing this, get out. Im a Christian women and truly believe that marriage is sacred. But Im also emotionally abused with children and wish I would have just walked away from that chapel. I can reassure it is a mental health issue and takes years to get under control, but never goes away.

    1. I’m curious about your post. If it’s truly mental illness, doesn’t it fall under the wedding vow in sickness and in health? I’m also a Christian and dealing with severe emotional instability, some kind of personality disorder with my spouse. It seems to be deteriorating as the years roll by. I’m sure he won’t consider therapy

  16. I’m surprised that this is so common. I too have been in an on again off again relationship for years, with the man always ending things after a disagreement, then coming back after a few days-week silence. I feel like a door mat where he wipes the mud off of his shoes onto my heart every time. Nothing is ever solved with the reason as to why he left, it’s just swept under the rug and comes back up again at the next disagreement, then like magic, we are going through this a month later again. I keep taking him back, not sure how or if this pattern will ever end. I’m just used to it now. I know someday I’ll get the courage to not take him back, not sure why I love him so much, this hurts me so much each time. You’re not supposed to hurt the person you love. But he continues to do it so maybe he doesn’t love me. I don’t know. I feel like I’m at my breaking point here. No idea what to do!

  17. My wife has threatened divorce multiple times in our 12 year marriage. We have a 7 year old who would be collateral damage if we split. When we argue, it is generally because she is unhappy and feels that if I change, things will be better or if I make more money she will be happy. Sorry to say that even when I did make changes a d made more money, she was still unhappy. Nothing I could do would change that.

    Today she threatened divorce and screamed at the top of her lungs and demanded I exit the vehicle and walk back to work. (She had picked me up for kunch.) The arguement started because we were planning a long trip to Disney World. I have intestinal issues that sometimes requires me to find a private bathroom. She demanded I magically solve this issue before going. Which, how after a decade of dealing with it can you magically make medical issues disappear. I told her I could not promise that and asked why she simply couldn’t support me? She began. to threaten to take a friend instead of me and when I told her to go ahead she threatened to go by herself, which I lughed at because it’s a 19 hour drive and she wont be able to safely handle such a trip alone. Then she switched gears and said I am always negative and that my daughter mimics my negativity and she de added I never be negative in front my daughter ever again. Once more I told her that was an impossible thing to promise. This was when she threatened divorce and yelled that our daughter had nothing to do with our relationship and that she was just my “daughter.” Yes, that perplexed me as well. I sighed and asked to drive me back to work. She then told me to get out and walk. She never looked back.

    Generally, these arguments lead to “a talk” whereby she provides me with a litany of items and hoops I have to jump through to remain with her. I generally accept to be copacetic and maybe try to make a change, but in the end..,I am who I am and am happy with who I am. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not for the rest of my life. There has been no point in accepting these terms or even offering my own terms as both of us fail to meet those demands. For example, we both agreed to stop using the “D” word. Yet she has done so twice now, since then.

    How can I respect her? I almost dont want to look at her after having to walk three hours in the hot sun to return a sweaty mess back to work.

    Should I take her divorce threat seriously? I told her to go ahead if that was what she wanted. I wont be as nearly hurt as my daughter will. She loves having both of us together.

  18. I’m shocked so many marriages have the issue of a spouse calling divorce multiple times. I have this same issue. Married for 1yr and together for 3. It became his thing the first couple of months after marriage.
    His pattern is, he starts a nonsensical argument then if I don’t agree and give him what he wants he starts with the whole, I want a divorce.
    I suggested therapy because I know this type of behavior is dysfunctional. He thinks we don’t need it.
    My last straw was when he called divorce again because I would not let me take our daughter to another state to visit his mom for a week. I started a new job and can’t take time off for 1yr.
    He went on this tangent about wanting a divorce and I’m not the one for him.
    My husband is a jerk. He’s a pathological liar, lazy, doesn’t help out around the house, if he cooks….he needs to be praised 10 times over, and he complains about everything all the time. He is verbally abusive. He has made a complete 360 since we got married.
    Considering all these factors, I decided this would be his last offense. I packed my things and my daughters and I’m staying with my Dad until I can find a place. I wasn’t sure I did the right thing but after reading these post…I feel more confident about my decision. I don’t want to live like that for another month let alone years down the line. I’d hate for my daughter to grow up in such a dysfunctional non loving environment

  19. My husband started threatening divorce 2 months in and it’s now almost two years and he’s still threatening divorce any time I bring up confusing behaviors, inconsistencies, lies. I finally got sick of it and filed for divorce but then couldn’t get the guts to serve him so it sat for four months until he told me to have sex with other men, to date other men. He told me he had a crush on another woman and then next day said he really didn’t have a crush, that he wanted me to hate him so I’d file. So I finally served him 10 days ago. Then he asked me to dismiss it so I did. Then I confronted him on another inconsistency and a lie and he said all was okay at 1pm. Then he texted pastor at 5pm saying he wanted divorce and if it was a sin for him to sign the papers. Yet he just told me two days ago I was the love of his life and that we are in this till death due us part. I wish I didn’t dismiss the divorce case now. He left again. He’s left every couple of days and wonders why I’m so upset and can’t seem to get stable. Abuse! Why would a man constantly threaten divorce then come back and apologize two days later only to do it again and again for two years. I finally did and now he wanted me to dismiss it to only tell me toast night he wants divorce and that he doesn’t love me. Something is not normal.

  20. People it’s not worth staying in these unhealthy relationships. I am a Christian and I truly believe in Jesus. God will send you that right person if you put God first in your life. I’m in the same situation again. I placed my trust in a man disguised as a minister. He claims to know and understand the bible but constantly strays away from God. He was married for 35 yrs. then divorce after he cheated on his wife. He and I knew each other when we were teenagers. After breaking up with his wife. I met him while out shopping with my daughter 40 year later. Neither the less he and I ended up dating. I was separated from my previous insecure husband which I had been dating for 10 year and married to him for 2 years. I had to get away from that marriage because it wasn’t healthy. Now I let this so call man of God talked me in doing this married thing again because when we fell in love with each other, he kept saying God is not going to bless us because we are not living accordingly. So we got married. Months later things started getting worst. Now he’s constantly threatening me about leaving after being married to him for 1 yr. We dated for a year. before getting married. We’re constantly fighting about petty things. I’m done with him and his threats. He lives with me and I’ve done more than my share to hold this marriage together. My job paid for our counseling and that didn’t working. We are in a marriage matters group at our church that’s not working. Well I’m tried of the threats I’m ready to get this over so he can leave my house. He printed the divorce paper from a online website, and filled them out. I said lets get this over with because God has something better waiting on me. Now he’s stalling, when I took time off from work today to get the paper notarized; he claimed the timing wasn’t sufficient because it would have him late for work. But believe me the game is over. The hurt I’ve gain from this relationship will go away once he is out the picture. This is not of God by no means. I been through this before with God’s help he delivered me from the pain. So I know how much you all are hurting. But if you are in this hurtful place, please trust God to get you out. Pray each day and he will bring you peace to get through it. Once it is over and behind you, your life will be so much better I promise. And learn to love yourself first and keep Christ in your life and you can get through anything. My Boaz (bible character) is coming because I trust and believe in Jesus. We all are human we make decisions that cause us pain but you can’t let that keep you down, you have to pull it together an wait on your blessing. I wish everyone a happy life because you deserve it. Just find Christ he will get you out of the darkness and into his marvelous light.

  21. My husband does this every time we argue and I tend to shut down and stop listening altogether. It’s always over something stupid for example, last Saturday he said something about a man cave. I didn’t say no, I just asked why would you want to be separated from the family. But he said I was being immature and that if I didn’t change we could go sign the papers Tuesday. On Sunday he acted like nothing was wrong and even go mad when I told him I didn’t want “IT” twice saying I’m ignoring his needs. How does he expect me to enjoy something that’s supposed to be intimate when he keeps hurting me with divorce anytime we have a small disagreement that he turns into a war? It makes me feel insecure in my relationship, I don’t want to talk to him or be near him because of this and we’ve barely been married a year. I feel like I have to put on a fake smile anytime I see him and I don’t like hugging him and kissing him once he comes home from work but if I don’t I feel like it will turn into another argument that I don’t feel like I can mentally handle anymore. I don’t think I have ever been so stressed out and conflicted about what to do in this situation.

  22. My husband cheated on me for three years. he ignored me for several months and left me with nothing, but i am happy today, Now my husband is all mine again. It shouldn’t have been possible if not the intervention of priest ADU who came to my rescue I really appreciate his efforts in saving my marriage.

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