You know the feeling. You wake up one morning, take a look around, glance at your spouse, and wonder, “What was I thinking when I married you?” Seriously? He or she isn’t that great in bed, is a complete jerk most of the time, complains and whines, doesn’t fully support you, and you know you weren’t drunk on your wedding day. So, what was the deal? And why, pray tell, didn’t anyone from your friends or family—those who watched you take your vows—stand up and say, “Don’t marry this person! It will ruin your life!”? It wasn’t as if they didn’t have the chance to speak now or forever hold their peace!
The Truth Behind Regret
Does this questioning of your spousal choice mean you are in a bad marriage? Does the nagging question in the back of your mind that shouts every time your spouse irritates you mean you’re destined for divorce? Or is it simply a result of years gone by, complacency, and the bubble of expectations about marriage and family bursting in your face?
According to research, one in five couples regrets their marriage within the first year of holy matrimony. Of this 20% of married folk who regret their marriage, around 54% will eventually divorce. Even more interesting is that of the 20% of couples who regret getting married in the first year, more than half of them are women. As time goes on, it’s primarily women (around 46%, as opposed to 12% of men) who feel they chose the wrong spouse. As the years in a marriage progress, the numbers of people who regret their choice in spouse double. This may help explain why more than half of all marriages end in divorce.
The problems within a marriage are varied and many. One of the most pressing issues is that when we choose a spouse, we aren’t necessarily at a place in our lives where we value what matters most. Before you have the house, kids, and two car payments, the relationship isn’t tested much. You might disagree over who cleans the bathroom or whose turn it is to mow the lawn, but typically, the problems aren’t ones that can’t be sorted out with some passionate lovemaking. However, the same is not true when couples begin a family.
Bringing children into the marriage changes the game completely. Researchers believe that there are such strict gender roles in place within the parental/marital relationship that it can be nearly impossible to prepare. Plus, you never really know what your spouse will be like as a parent and a spouse within the confines of a family until you reach that point in your life. Making matters even more difficult is that expectations change drastically from one person to the next when children and/or responsibilities are introduced into the marriage. Most people revert to the opinions and lessons learned throughout their own childhood and upbringing, and begin behaviors that may not have been characterized beforehand.
OnePoll.com, a market research firm, polled 4,000 people about this very issue and found some extremely interesting information. The first finding is that around 15% of all engaged couples have misgivings about their upcoming nuptials before marriage. However, they don’t say anything or make changes because they are worried about disappointing others. The research also found that around 45% of all couples get married for the wrong reasons, such as pressure from others, feeling that they are “supposed to,” or even fearing that they will lose the relationship if they don’t tie the metaphorical knot. In other words, most people are so attached to the Cinderella story of love and marriage that they hardly think past the first year. And this means that when change comes knocking on the marital door, few couples have any idea how to deal with it. And listen, change in the relationship does—and will—come, even for the happiest of couples.
Additionally, expectations of marriage are often obscured. Few people want to admit that marriage is hard, that it takes work, and that when the makeup, compassion, and standard of respect diminish, along with the sex life, each partner will clearly see the person they chose in a different light. Another common issue is that far too many people believe that marriage will change someone. Your partner may have been a bit rude, selfish, or obsessive-compulsive prior to marriage, but you thought that marriage might change them. The truth is that, as complacency sets into the relationship, the negative traits in your partner will only rear their ugly head with more intensity. Plus, under the illusion of love and romance, it’s easy to overlook the things about your partner that you dislike.
And truth be told, if you don’t like your choice in spouse and wake up wondering why you married them in the first place, you aren’t alone—and you aren’t necessarily destined for divorce. As time goes on, people change. As people change, their relationships with others change. Within a marriage, two people can change at different paces or unexpectedly with life. And as a couple, you have the choice to work things out or see the changes as a complete deal breaker in the relationship.
Perhaps one of the most notable findings in the OnePoll.com research is that a poll of divorcees found that 89% of them admitted to overlooking a personality or compatibility issue with their spouse prior to marriage—and they married the person anyway. In other words, if people show you who they are, you should believe them. While people do change, and marriage changes people, it isn’t always for the better. The bottom line is this: You made the choice, and now you are the one who has to deal with it.
