According to your husband, you spend too much time on Facebook, overspend on clothing, and don’t earn enough money. He believes you should devote more time to the kids and feels your culinary skills could use improvement. To top it off, he’s unhappy with your sex life and punctuates these hurtful statements with an ultimatum: either meet his demands, or he will file for divorce. Similarly, your wife complains that you don’t make enough money, drink too much, and your disregard for grammar drives her to the brink of insanity. She insists you should consider taking Viagra and finds your growing beer belly completely unappealing. Like your husband, she demands change or wants a divorce.
For many couples, this is how a marriage begins to unravel. Both partners may tolerate a less-than-perfect relationship until one day they reach a breaking point. After months or years of not communicating, they suddenly present a laundry list of demands for change, brutally honest about all the ways they feel their spouse has failed to meet expectations. Years of matrimony become reduced to an ultimatum: conform, or it’s over.
When a spouse makes demands to save the marriage, the other partner is left carrying a heavy burden. Should they simply comply with their spouse’s wishes, striving to ‘conform’ to expectations? Or do they conclude that the demands have come too late and refuse to live under the pressure of trying to be the ‘perfect’ spouse?
The primary issue with issuing demands—especially alongside an ultimatum—is that it creates an imbalance of power in the relationship. Suddenly, one partner holds authority over the other, which minimizes their feelings and fosters insecurity. Initially, this hurt can prompt some individuals to attempt to improve themselves to appease their spouse. However, over time, this imbalance can become the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Marriage should be about equality. If one partner feels they can say and do anything without respecting their spouse, they may already have one foot out the door. Moreover, the demands are often so high that it becomes impossible to meet them. This allows the demanding spouse to evade responsibility for the marriage’s decline. Essentially, by setting unattainable expectations, they can absolve themselves of personal responsibility for the relationship’s failure. This is a cowardly way to address unhappiness, yet it is a manipulative psychological tactic that many resort to when feeling stuck.
Divorce and separation carry a heavy stigma for many, leading individuals to do anything to avoid appearing at fault. The reality, however, is that a marriage begins and ends with both partners. Both individuals are responsible for keeping lines of communication open, being honest about their needs and desires, and expressing their feelings regarding the relationship. If either partner remains silent for years, hiding their discontent until they can no longer bear it, they share the blame for the marriage’s failure. The old adage, “You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s broken,” holds especially true in marriage.
If a spouse presents demands, take time to process them. Is there validity in what they’re asking? Will making these changes genuinely impact the relationship, or do you sense that your spouse has already made their decision about the future? Can you abide by these new ‘rules,’ or do they conflict with your beliefs? Is your spouse willing to make changes as well, or are they rigid in their expectations?
Once you get past the initial shock of the demands, you’ll realize you’re essentially facing an ultimatum. Most relationship experts agree that ultimatums rarely work in a mutually respectful partnership. They occur when one person wants something from another but isn’t willing to reciprocate. Too often, the desire to end a relationship is masked as an ultimatum, with stakes set so high that failure feels inevitable. If you find yourself in this position, prioritizing your self-worth might be the best course of action before it diminishes completely.
Remember, relationships must be built on respect. Especially in marriage, trust enables open and honest communication. When communication breaks down for too long, saving the relationship becomes challenging, though not impossible. Any change—whether demanded or not—must come from within and stem from a genuine desire to make the relationship work in the long run. Part of a successful partnership involves adapting together over time and finding common ground where both partners can stand united as husband and wife.
