When Children Embarrass their Parents

The Reality of Parenting: Embracing the Embarrassment

In today’s world of parenting, moms and dads are expected to radiate nothing but pride. The picture-perfect parent stands on the sidelines, watching their child with admiration straight out of a Disney movie. Parents are prepared for this. From the moment their child is born, they know their child will always be “the best,” and no one will ever come before them. But then, children grow up. From tantrums to public disrespect, to acting ungrateful and spoiled, challenges arise. They throw mashed potatoes on the floor at dinnertime and pout every time they don’t get their way. This is just a glimpse of what awaits during the teenage years when they develop strong opinions and attitudes to match.

Suddenly, parents find themselves embarrassed by their children. One day, you might walk five swift steps ahead of them in the grocery store, hoping others don’t realize you’re together. The torn jeans and the slightly too-tight shirt are just the beginning. The expression of disdain and boredom for all things non-teen, plastered across their face, is embarrassing enough. But then, when someone accidentally bumps into them with a shopping cart, your once-angelic toddler—now a teen—responds with a rude, unexpected retort. In that moment, you’d give anything to turn them back into the raving toddler throwing a fit over a Baby Bottle Pop. Instead, you’re the one red-faced, questioning every parenting decision that shaped your child into who they are today.

Navigating Embarrassment and Responsibility

Every parent has been there. Whether it’s with a young child or a growing teen, children often embarrass their parents far more than parents embarrass them. But this has nothing to do with bad parenting, and it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Some parents feel upset, guilty, or even pained because they feel this way about their own child. It’s possible—and often healthy—to dislike your own child at times. You must realize that, despite giving birth to and raising this child, they are their own person, entirely separate from you. Your guidance and rules significantly shape them, but they still have uncharted territory to explore, which involves testing boundaries and embarrassing you (and themselves) along the way.

One of the biggest mistakes a parent can make when their child embarrasses them in public or at school is to apologize on their behalf. If your child’s teacher calls you for a conference to discuss their disruptive behavior, it’s not your place to say sorry. That responsibility belongs to your child. The teacher may look at you as if you’re a neglectful parent, but the truth is, your child is the one who acted wrongly. Unless you’ve explicitly taught or encouraged this behavior, you’re not accountable for it. Instead, find meaningful, effective ways to hold your child responsible. Make them apologize, and tune out the feelings that you’re constantly responsible for their actions. The next step is to follow through.

Parents are often taught to raise their children with constant praise. However, in many cases, turning a negative situation into a positive one can be a disservice. If children believe mom and dad will always see the silver lining instead of the mess they’ve made, they become complacent about their behaviors. They may also assume their parents will fix everything. Combine that with a lifetime of hearing, “I’ll always love you no matter what” or “I may not like what you do, but I’ll always like you,” and you’re giving your child a free pass to disrespect you and others. Let’s be honest: you won’t always like your child, and there may be things they say or do that you won’t easily forget or forgive. And that’s okay.

When children embarrass their parents, whether they’re 4 or 14, they should know about it. It might not be a bad idea to show them the consequences of their actions. For instance, if your 16-year-old curses in front of your colleagues, completely astonishing you, consider showing up at their school in curlers. Fair is fair, right? Your job as a parent is to teach your children about life, not to cover up or excuse their every misstep. You don’t have to feel guilty about being angry, embarrassed, or humiliated by your child’s behavior. While the feeling lasts, don’t hesitate to share it with them. Tell them, “You embarrassed me!” Letting them know how their actions affect you—and that you could make their life harder in return—can be a powerful tool for encouraging better behavior, especially in public.

Years from now, you’ll look back at your teen’s ridiculous outfits, the wild antics of your preschooler, or the mischief of your middle schooler and realize they weren’t as bad as they seemed at the time. You’ll also realize that you still love your child. The fairy-tale adoration and self-righteousness that many believe define “good parenting” aren’t realistic. It’s impossible to love someone as deeply as you love your child and never feel disappointed or let down by something they do or say.