There will come a day when you walk into your toddler’s room and notice the mess. You’ll ask them to help put their toys away in a sweet and encouraging voice, only to be met with a furrowed brow, pouty lips, and a resounding “NO!” This moment will feel inevitable, much like the fact that your little bundle of sunshine and joy will eventually grow up. When children say “no,” especially for the first time, it can be a difficult pill to swallow—one that almost chokes you as you digest it. The pressing question then becomes: What should I do now?
The Importance of Standing Your Ground
Initially, it’s always best to stand your ground. Tell them they will clean their room—and they will do it right now. If you let them get away with it, laugh because you find it cute, or become a raving lunatic in their presence, you’ll only encourage more “No.” Chances are, you’ll hear it vehemently for the remainder of your parenting life, so handling it properly early on is crucial.
There are other ways to think about the whole “no” situation as well. When children say no, it’s likely that you’re asking them a question where both “yes” and “no” feel like appropriate answers. For example: Do you want to eat dinner? Do you want to take a bath? Do you want to go to bed? Do you want to brush your teeth? Do you want Mommy to clean your ears? Do you want to go shopping with me? The list is endless. The important thing to recognize is that many of these questions are open-ended, much like someone asking you: Do you want to clean the toilet? Do you want to go to work? Do you want to pay the electric bill? “No!” No, and NO!
So, before you freak out, you might want to take some time to rephrase your questions, delivering them in more of an instructional tone, like an instruction manual.
Offering choices is also a good way to solve the “no” problem. Try asking: Do you want to clean your room or help with the laundry? Do you want to take a bath or brush your teeth first? If no good option exists and you really need them to make the right choice, try something like: Do you want to eat dinner now, or do you want to go to bed a half hour early?
Some parents believe that very young children, school-age kids, and even teenagers should always be encouraged to think for themselves and make their own decisions. These same parents often blame their children’s behavioral issues on them simply expressing their personal rights. Let’s be clear: These are children who never learned or were never forced to accept the word “no” because their parents were overly concerned about their feelings. They grow up to be entitled and irresponsible, unable to accept the responsibilities of life because they were taught that saying “NO” means they don’t have to do something. How well will that work with their math teacher or future boss? Few people will care if they hurt their feelings.
So, what should you do aside from rephrasing your questions or demands when children say no? You should realize that, until a child reaches school age, they are very easily distracted and swayed from their first reaction. When you ask them to clean their room, set the table, or put the gum down in the checkout aisle, and they react with the dreaded “NO,” simply redirect them. In many situations, “no” is not a viable option, and parents should make that clear very early on. Certainly, some things in life are negotiable—but saying a flat-out, stubborn “NO” to mom and dad is not one of those things.
A few decades ago, kids (probably like you) did what they were told and moved on with life. They didn’t always like it, but they also had a certain level of respect for elders and authority, along with a very clear set of boundaries. They might have tried saying “no” once, but not twice. There are ways to ensure that modern children also understand there are strict limits and that, in the scope of the day, “no” is not something they should be telling adults. Develop discipline that seems appropriate to their level of disrespect and their use of “no,” and enforce it. Kids learn more easily than dogs, and they will get the hang of it quickly without much effort or harshness on your part.
If you’re already in the midst of a “no” problem in your home, take heart—hope is not lost. Around the age of 2, saying “no” is actually a promising sign of developmental progress. It means they are becoming independent thinkers who have opinions and feelings about everything. Every once in a while, it’s okay to allow them one “no.” You might want to give them at least one “get out of jail free” card to help them feel like they are being listened to and respected by you. But be reasonable. Otherwise, they’ll take over and quickly realize that by getting angry and saying “no,” mom will do anything to get them to quiet down. If they stamp their feet and dig in like a mule, act unaffected by the behavior and reiterate your instructions plainly (without trying to reason with them) until they do what they’re told.
There will probably be a standoff and a lot of screaming and whining, but you must win. When children say “no” and you act in control of the situation, they begin to see that mom and dad mean business. They’ll use “no” much less—or at least with much less vigor.
Few children do everything they are told, when they are told, and how they are told. They might say no, flat-out ignore you, tell you they’ll do it later, throw a fit, or just scream, yell, cry, and holler. Develop thick skin to this kind of behavior and stand your ground. As long as you’re not constantly requesting unreasonable, non-age-appropriate tasks delivered in a hateful way, your children should learn to listen to you. The earlier you start, the better.
