Grandchildren and Grandparents: A Complex Relationship
Grandchildren make grandparents happy. Many grandparents carry around little brag books and suddenly become the kind of parents to their grandchildren that their children wish they were to them. In fact, the birth of grandchildren is like a second chance at life for a grandma or grandpa. During this stage of life, they can truly appreciate the value and purity of the situation. The first grandchild often creates a whirlwind within the family infrastructure, dramatically changing every breath a grandparent takes. Suddenly, all they want to do is rock and play with their grandchildren. Then comes the next grandchild, and things are pretty exciting. Then another, and another, and two more—plus the ones added because their son remarried a woman with two kids. The number of grandchildren quickly adds up.
The Challenge of Playing Favorites
When the children are young, they don’t notice if grandma or grandpa seem to favor one child over the others. But as they grow older, it becomes more obvious. Grandma may adore the babies but seem to give the older grandchildren less attention. When they visit her house, they see countless pictures of her holding her youngest grandchildren, while the photos of her holding them fade into the background. When grandparents play favorites—whether intentionally or not—it can cause significant pain for the grandchildren who feel neglected.
In many households, geography plays a role in grandparents’ favoritism. Some grandparents live close to a few grandchildren, while others live hundreds of miles away. Naturally, the closer grandchildren will have a stronger connection because they share more everyday experiences. As parents, it can hurt to see your mom and dad seemingly neglect your children in favor of your siblings. This may even bring back painful childhood memories of feeling like the “red-headed stepchild.” Often, parents react by making negative comments or keeping their distance, which only worsens the situation.
There are also cases where grandparents play favorites for reasons that aren’t easy to explain. Maybe they’re always available to watch one set of grandchildren, but have an excuse when it comes to yours. You might notice that when the family is together, grandparents naturally gravitate toward a few grandchildren, while others are largely ignored. In defense of grandparents, it’s challenging to divide themselves into eight parts and give equal attention to every grandchild. And let’s face it, the younger, cuter ones often receive more attention because they’re more prone to give hugs and kisses than older children are. Still, this doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Discussing favoritism among grandparents is difficult. Just as no parent wants to defend loving one child more than the other, no grandparent wants to admit they favor one grandchild over another. But let’s be honest for a moment: In life, there are certain people we connect with more easily than others. In a room filled with 25 family members, there are likely 2 or 3 that you feel naturally drawn to. It doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone else; it just means there’s an invisible chemistry that makes you seek out certain people more. The same can be true for grandparents. They may find it easier to communicate with or bond over shared interests with one grandchild more than another. There might also be underlying family tensions between the parents and grandparents, which spill over and affect the grandparent-grandchild relationship.
If you feel that your children are being treated differently, negatively compared to other grandchildren, it’s important to address the issue with the grandparents. Approach the conversation thoughtfully, focusing on what your child sees and feels. Instead of expressing anger—though you’ll likely feel it—remain solution-oriented. If you believe that the grandparents are favoring the younger grandchildren and neglecting the older ones, gently point out that while the babies and toddlers won’t notice the difference, your 12-year-old will. Sometimes, grandparents are so overwhelmed with excitement over a cute little baby that they don’t realize they are “ignoring” the older children. Encourage your children, the grandchildren, to develop their own relationships with their grandparents. While a two-year-old will eagerly run into grandma’s arms, a tween may shy away from the typical cheek squeezes. Help your older children find common ground with their grandparents and let those connections blossom.
If distance is the problem, make an effort to plan special occasions throughout the year to spend time together. You could meet halfway so that your family and the grandparents get some private time without the cousins, which may exacerbate the feelings of favoritism. Be proactive about sending pictures, invitations to special events, and encouraging your children to stay in touch as much as possible.
The bottom line is that the grandparent-grandchild relationship is important. In many families, it’s also short-lived and complicated by long-standing familial issues that have nothing to do with the grandchildren themselves. For this reason, it’s crucial that children are always encouraged to maintain a relationship with their grandparents, and that grandparents are empowered to do the same.
