The “Talk”: A Guide to Discussing Sex with Your Kids
The talk. It’s almost a comical routine played out in the minds of every parent—or potential parent. Parents stumble through the “birds and the bees,” sweating with nervousness, while kids squirm uncomfortably, hoping they might escape the situation by suddenly needing help with their math homework—even if they don’t actually have any. Parents obsess over how to approach the topic, what to say, and what not to say. They also struggle with the big question: when is the best time to talk to children about sex?
When is the Best Time to Talk?
The best time to talk to children about sex is when the child is ready. Of course, that’s the typical pat answer that leaves you with more questions than answers because every child is different. How do you know when they’re ready? They aren’t going to hand you a greeting card to break the ice. In fact, they are likely hoping you never bring it up. Kids give clues about their interest in sex throughout their lives. When they are young, they ask where they came from and how they came to be. As they grow older, you might walk in on them reading questionable material online or watching a graphic movie that they definitely shouldn’t be. These are signs that they are learning more than you realize, likely at a pace that is faster than you’re comfortable with.
Kids learn the most about sex from their friends. As early as age ten, boys may be sneaking a few illicit magazines from their parents’ bedroom, discovering that there is a whole world of uncharted territory. Girls, on the other hand, often know much more than they let on, giggling quietly about it on the phone or in online chats with friends.
Parents need to set clear boundaries when it comes to sexual conversations with their children. Children should never be exposed to the details of their parents’ sex life. Adults should never talk about sex with their kids in the same way they might with other adults. However, making sexual topics taboo—turning them into a source of embarrassment—only creates shame and poor communication skills, while also making their natural curiosity about their bodies and sexuality more difficult to navigate.
When kids are younger, it’s natural to answer their questions about where they came from with stories of a stork or that Mommy and Daddy kissed and grew a baby. But eventually, they’ll figure out that you lied to them, and that you’re not the best source for accurate sexual information. Kids pick up on what you don’t say just as much as they do what you do say. Calling things by their proper names—like a penis being a penis—makes future conversations about sex easier.
As kids approach ages ten through twelve, they’re going to get a significant education on sex through their friends. If you’re able to bring up topics like kissing, holding hands, or asking someone on a date (yes, girls ask boys out just as often as boys ask girls these days), they’ll notice that you aren’t uncomfortable talking about sex. This opens the door for them to see sex as a normal part of life, not something to fear or be ashamed of. What you’re trying to establish is a healthy attitude about sex. Healthy attitudes help prevent promiscuity and promote self-respect. It’s easy to want to make sex seem like something to be afraid of, but studies have proven that this approach is often counterproductive.
The Importance of Safe Sex Education
As kids enter those awkward years between eleven and thirteen, it’s crucial to talk regularly about the importance of safe sex. While promoting abstinence is valuable and should remain part of the conversation throughout their teenage years, teaching safe sex practices ensures they are protected when they ultimately choose to engage in sexual activity. Avoiding the subject of safe sex because you don’t want them having sex is setting them up for potential harm.
You might not always be the best person for your child to talk to about sex. You may have your own fears, misunderstandings, or phobias surrounding sexuality. If you’re uncomfortable with your own sex life or struggle with shame related to your body or sexual experiences, it may be worthwhile to consider counseling. This is especially true if you’ve been a victim of sexual trauma or were raised with a significant amount of shame about sex. If you want your kids to have a healthy attitude toward sex, it starts with you. Many of us were taught that sex was dirty for women and a conquest for men. These stereotypes should be examined closely before we pass them on to our children.
So, when is the best time to talk to kids about sex? The answer is simple: keep talking. It all starts with answering questions like “Where did I come from?” and could continue for as long as they’re growing up. Sexual issues can be complicated and challenging. There’s pressure from friends, society, romantic interests, and their own expectations to grow up quickly and experience things like sex. This can easily make the subject feel overwhelming. No matter how confidently they speak about it, remember: when it comes to sex, kids are often just as scared and unsure as you are. Living in a home where the word “sex” doesn’t make anyone blush or stammer makes it easier for both you and your child to deal with the full range of issues that come with growing up.
