Life is often a series of events. Without the predictability of a prime-time show, most people find themselves moving from one moment to another—each linked by impromptu experiences that catapult them into the future. This is perhaps most true during our dating years. Filled with hopeful optimism and unsure of what the future will or should hold, the vast majority of people are seekers. They are searching for that special someone who will help define their future and show them exactly what they are supposed to be doing.
The problem is that all too often, we meet the right people at the wrong times in our lives. They can love us, and we can love them in return, but some crucial element—normally within ourselves—is missing. We make decisions or choose actions that we think are right at the time. Then one day, we find ourselves feeling guilty or remorseful and realize that sometimes, “sorry” just isn’t enough to resolve the pain we have caused someone else.
The story is a common one: a boy and girl meet. They fall into what they think is love, and eventually, one of them wants to take it to the next level. They start talking about marriage, a house, and children. Suddenly, the tables of love become uneven, and the one who is loved more has a secret advantage. They know that their significant other is simply waiting for them to make the next move, to grow up just enough to make things work, or to finally do the right thing. Yet, this undecided person, feeling empowered by their position, simply runs with it.
Even though they know they are keeping someone else’s life on a string, the comfort they feel in being waited on is powerful and addictive. Most importantly, they are acutely aware that they are loved; they subconsciously play games to keep that love waiting on the sidelines—even through a series of indiscretions and pain. Instead of just saying goodbye—ending the relationship—they behave in hurtful, rude, spiteful, and selfish ways. They hope that somehow their actions will tell the story for them, but they are generally stimulated by knowing that someone is always there, waiting in the wings when everything else in life lets them down.
While they know what they should do, they indulge in the power trip of being loved so much that the other person will wait. In this immaturity, they end up hurting their partner miserably. Sadly, even when that fateful day comes when the waiting party has had enough and walks away for good, the selfish one often never realizes the extent of the damage they have caused. Most often, it isn’t until years later—when they reflect on their past—that the nagging thoughts of their actions begin to haunt them. By then, they may be married with children of their own, living the same life they once struggled to avoid. Yet, they start to think about the person they hurt, feel remorse about how they treated them, and wonder how their life would be now if they had chosen to act differently.
The sad reality is that most people have been either the one who loves more or the one who is loved more in a relationship—at least once in their lives. Our actions during that time are both defining and burdensome, and there comes a point in every good life where you will want to say you are sorry. Chances are, by then, it is too little, too late.
If you think back on your life, you will realize that during those chaotic years of indecision and impulsive living, there were worthy people who crossed your path. They helped make those years so much fun and secretly played a huge role in shaping who you are today. Call it immaturity or ignorance; the truth is that many of us are so busy living in the moment—moment to moment—that we rarely see past a week ahead. So when love entered the picture, even if you recognized it, you may not have been able to accept it in the way you should. This leaves even good people with apologies to make. Yet by the time they want to apologize, the other person has often cut ties and dealt with the emotional damage, making any attempt at an apology feel like a selfish attempt at self-soothing.
So how do you undo what you have done—especially if it involved someone’s heart? Especially if that person truly loved you? Even if it seems like lifetimes ago! What if saying you’re sorry just isn’t enough?
In some ways, it may be enough for that person to know that you are suffering. You may have caused them such pain that at this point, they wouldn’t really care if you were hit by a bus. Yet still, knowing that the person who hurt them feels badly and perhaps even remorseful can provide a soothing sense of victory. Should you hunt them down, search for them online, just to give them that final satisfaction? The answer depends on what your apology is truly about.
Often, the problem with apologies is that most of them aren’t really for the person you’re apologizing to. Most apologies are rooted in selfishness and guilt, spoken only to relieve your own conscience. So in apologizing, you may be continuing the same self-serving behavior that got you into this mess to begin with. However, if the apology comes from a place that honestly recognizes the pain you’ve caused someone else—and is meant to heal their heart rather than your own—you might want to at least try.
It’s also important to consider that just because you feel the need to say you’re sorry doesn’t mean the other person will accept it. In life, manipulating the heart of someone who loves you to the extent of causing pain is an unforgivable offense. Are you ready to face the possibility of not being forgiven? Before you send your email or make your phone call, you must wonder if reintroducing yourself and the hurt you caused into someone’s life is truly a kind endeavor. Writing and mailing a letter or expressing your sentiments to someone you have wronged can often reignite feelings that the other person may not want to revisit. In this case, it might just be unfair.
The truth is that “sorry” is often not enough. There isn’t anything you can do to undo or make things better. Instead, you must learn to live with your actions and the decisions you have made in silence. Perhaps it is karma, or the world coming full circle, that this person you thought so little of years ago is now circling your thoughts. Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell you something every time a certain song plays on the radio, making you relive your past. In fact, maybe this is just what you deserve. Then you have to decide whether enduring your punishment is something you can handle versus the risks of reopening old wounds that may cause more harm than good. The bottom line is that some acts in life are so unforgivable and damaging that saying you’re sorry now simply isn’t enough to heal them.
