As much as we, as parents, like to control the friendships and bonds our children form during their younger years, often aligning them with adults we enjoy spending time with, it eventually becomes difficult to maintain that control. Once you get past the “playdate at the park” years and neighborhood block parties, and enroll your child in the formal education system, your children begin to make friends of their own. These friendships are based on what THEY think, not you, and are shaped by the children in their class—not their parents. It’s at this point that you realize just how crazy some folks in this world really are.
Understanding Your Parental Instincts
And of course, even after running into your child’s new best friend and their mother at the supermarket, where she was skipping through the aisles wearing a Wonder Woman cape (complete with arm bands and high heels), there’s nothing you can do or say that will ever be enough to make your child choose a new friend. In fact, based on simple parent-child behavioral facts, the more you try to discourage the friendship, the closer your child will get to the “crazy” family. So, how are you supposed to handle impending social engagements or invitations for your child to spend the night at the “crazy” house without damaging your child socially?
The first thing you need to ask yourself is whether your distaste for your child’s friend’s parents is based on a valid reason. Do you not like the new mom because she had a boob job and looks great in a bikini, making you feel a little uncomfortable about allowing your husband to pick up your child after a playdate? Do you not like the new dad because he was the popular quarterback in high school who once gave you a wedgie? Or do you really, truly get a creepy crawly feeling from these folks every time you see them? Have you heard rumors from the neighbors that they are swingers, or that they hold a weekly Ouija board séance every Saturday night? Or have you seen these things with your own eyes?
In other words, it’s okay to not like someone or to not trust someone with your children if you have valid reasons or instincts. However, discouraging the friendship due to something that may or may not be true, or because of jealousy, is not right.
It’s your job as a parent to protect your child, and allowing them to go to another family’s home—especially a family you don’t know—is definitely a risk. That being said, before you simply say “no” or tell your child that their new friend’s parents are “complete whackos,” try to get to know them. Invite the child over to YOUR house, where you can let them form their friendship under your watchful eye. When the parents come over to drop off the child, invite them in and try to get to know them a little. If they pull out a doobie or crack open a six-pack of beer, then quite possibly your first impression is spot on, and you should never allow your child over to their home.
Also, never underestimate the power of Google! There’s nothing wrong with looking the person up online or even trying to friend them on Facebook to get a closer look at their life. (Remember, of course, that 90% of what you see on Facebook is total nonsense!) Another idea is to talk to other parents you know or teachers from school to see if they have any opinions on the parents in question. Sometimes, sizing up what other parents think can either solidify your initial feelings or help you feel more comfortable with the situation.
When it’s all said and done, you are in complete charge of where your child goes and with whom they go. Even if you’re not sure why you don’t feel comfortable with Wonder Woman, trust your instincts! If your child is very young, you should not allow them to go anywhere that you don’t feel they will be safe. And, quite frankly, you owe no one an explanation. You can foster the friendship by allowing the superhero’s offspring to come to your house. Eventually, if the other parents have a clue, they’ll stop inviting your child over, or the friendship will fizzle out on its own, and you’ll be onto the next friend—hopefully with ‘normal’ parents.
And remember, while you are busy judging the craziness factor of your child’s new friend’s parents, they are probably trying to figure you out as well. They may be going through your trash cans at night to see if you’re consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or peering in your windows to verify if the rumors about “mom being a stripper” are true.
