Unfortunately, no one else can tell someone when they should leave a marriage. If the desire to leave doesn’t come directly from the spouse, the person likely won’t leave—or if they do, they won’t stay gone for long. However, there are instances when the differences between partners become so glaring that it no longer makes sense to remain in a relationship that offers nothing. Millions of couples stay together for the kids, but growing up in a home where parents thought they were doing the right thing, I can say for sure—it’s worse on the children to stay together.
When a marriage is in trouble, we often enter a mode of competition with our spouse. This mindset suggests that every conversation, encounter, and circumstance is a win-or-lose event. We might find ourselves arguing about something as trivial as what kind of curtains to hang in the foyer, simply to instigate an argument. If we aren’t willing to go to counseling or seek some form of mediation, it may be time to leave. The reason is simple: few people can reopen the dialogue at this point, and no one should be forced into a life that is constantly negative, manipulative, or hurtful.
Exiting the Marriage
Another sign that it may be time to leave a marriage is if one spouse is caught in a time warp, unwilling to forget or forgive a particular incident or moment. For example, if one spouse is holding something over the other’s head, such as cheating, and refuses to let it go, it’s often best to walk away from the relationship. Situations like this rarely end on a positive note, and it’s clear from the behavior that the person will never move past it. No one should be punished or forced to live under the constant threat of having their past mistakes held against them. While many marriages survive infidelity, others do not. Depending on your relationship and personality, when infidelity occurs, either move on or get over it.
Other situations that signal it’s time to leave a marriage include if one partner is using physical or verbal violence against the other. This rarely improves and crosses the line of basic human respect. There’s a saying that people only treat us as we allow them to, and enduring abuse of any kind is a reflection of both our inner strength and the person committing the abuse. At this point, it’s no longer about forgiveness, need, or love—it’s about safety. If a partner has a serious addiction and refuses to seek help or admit the problem, the marriage should come to an end. This may not uphold the “for better or worse” vow we make during our wedding ceremony, but research suggests that addiction problems lead to family turmoil that can extend beyond the relationship and affect children and loved ones as well.
It seems that many people have come to believe that marriage is not meant to be a happy union. When two people come together, whether for two years or forty, disagreements are inevitable. But marriage is supposed to be a source of happiness. The outdated belief that we must “pay our dues” in life or tolerate absurd behavior just to stay married has long been replaced by common sense. If a divorce is necessary to preserve our well-being, sanity, or peace of mind, it is appropriate to move on to a healthier and happier life. This doesn’t mean we should bail at the first sign of trouble, but after time, thought, and nurturing, if things don’t improve or one or both spouses aren’t finding fulfillment, it may be best to leave. Life is short, and living in a constant state of doubt is not what we are meant for. It’s foolish to stay or feel like a failure simply because a relationship didn’t work out. Some people feel there’s a moral consequence to divorce or separation, but there is a larger moral issue in living a life without fulfillment, joy, and laughter!
Very little in life stays the same. As we age and evolve, we become new and better versions of ourselves. If a relationship doesn’t make space for that, we are likely approaching the moment when it may be best to leave the marriage. Knowing when to leave is pivotal to maintaining integrity, dignity, and self-esteem. Setting clear boundaries ensures that we live the life we’re meant to live. If a partner understands what we will and won’t tolerate, and we mean enough to them, they will try to adapt the relationship to make us happy. Of course, we must do the same. If they don’t extend that courtesy, it’s time to go. Even if children are involved, they will learn little about compromise, respect, and love by witnessing an unhappy marriage between their parents.
Sometimes, long before we read an article, a book, or hear advice, we already know deep down what we need to do. Perhaps we’re simply looking for confirmation or reassurance. If you’re wondering when to leave your marriage, chances are, a part of you already has. If it can’t be fixed, save yourself time and heartache by leaving amicably. Yes, marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment, but we must recognize that as we grow older, our needs change. Leaving a marriage doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve made a mistake; in many cases, it simply means our needs and desires have evolved. We must be able to make ourselves happy before we can bring happiness to anyone else.
