Men often get a bad rap for being abusive toward women. Sensational media frequently showcases images of abused and beaten women who have fallen victim to their male partners’ rage and anger. Historically, women have been seen as the weaker sex, the victims of abuse, enduring long relationships filled with battle scars from men who laid hands on them in disturbing ways. Men who hit women (or children) are often viewed as the ultimate villains.
What Happens When Women Abuse?
But what happens when women abuse? What if a woman turns “Lorena Bobbitt” and does awful things to the men in their lives? What if a woman hits and throws things at her spouse, and he doesn’t retaliate because (1) he has been taught it’s wrong, and (2) he knows he is likely the one who would go to jail?
According to crime statistics from the United States Department of Justice, in domestic situations, as much as 55% of abusers are women. Yet, only a mere 11% of these women go to jail, while 61% of male abusers end up spending a night or two behind bars. When the laws in the United States changed to allow law enforcement to press charges without needing the victim’s consent, incarceration due to domestic abuse rose by 73%. Most of those locked up were men.
Is it because men are afraid to admit they have been abused by a woman? Or is it that when law enforcement arrives at the scene, they often see the remnants of a domestic situation—like a bruise on a female complainant—and immediately feel sympathy for her, taking her side regardless of who threw the first punch? After all, it is NEVER okay to hit a woman, right? Not even in self-defense. Often, men sit back and “take it like a man,” enduring phases of rage and abusive behavior from the women in their lives because they feel their hands are tied. Admitting the abuse publicly would be a blow to their ego.
Men stay with abusive women for the same reasons that women stay with abusive men. Sometimes it’s habit; other times, it’s for the kids, financial security, or to avoid the trouble of a divorce. Often, it’s simply what they know. These men are just as victimized as women are. The biggest difference is that if they were to retaliate—if they snapped one day and hit back—they would be immediately portrayed as villains.
The reality is that dysfunctional and abusive relationships are complex. For those not in them, the solution seems simple: if there is abuse, you leave. But for people in these relationships, it’s not that easy. The psychological effects and reasons to stay are often incomprehensible to outsiders. These relationships are destructive and unhealthy, yet the people involved are often addicted to them. Many grew up in households filled with abuse and believe that this is normal.
Much of the abuse in relationships is verbal, and women can be among the most verbally abusive individuals. Just because this form of abuse leaves no visible scars does not mean it doesn’t hurt—it does.
It’s crucial to understand that women cannot just hit men because they have historically been seen as the weaker sex. It is NOT OKAY for women to throw things, punch, or scream at a man in their life under the guise of safety that suggests, “A man cannot hit me.” The truth is that people shouldn’t physically abuse one another. If a woman hits a man, she is just as much of a villain as a male abuser. Women cannot advocate for themselves and then conveniently pull the “we are the weaker sex” card. Unfortunately, this mindset still works in society, as many men remain silent about their abuse, fearing that if law enforcement arrives, they will be viewed as the villains while their female abusers are seen as victims. This isn’t right.
The reality is that there are always two sides to every story. It’s often the case that only one side is presented, especially in mainstream media, which seeks to grab your attention. While it may be fair to say that women are victims of crime more often than men, it is also accurate to acknowledge that women can—and often do—abuse as well.