Who Should Move Out In a Separation?

You’ve made the decision: a separation is in order. Just when you thought you had everything figured out, you realize that your decision now involves dividing things and places that are often monumental in a marriage. One of these is the home. But someone has to leave. So, who should it be? How should the two of you decide, especially amidst the animosity, resentment, and hurt feelings that you are probably experiencing?

The decision of who should move out during a separation often depends on many factors. Every couple is different, and the physical act of separating homes and belongings is one of the most difficult aspects of divorce. Some people leave under the cover of darkness to avoid conflict. Other couples stay in the same home for months after deciding to separate because they cannot decide who should stay and who should go. In some cases, the police are involved to ensure that the relocation occurs peacefully, without violence or incidents. To complicate matters, many places require couples to be legally and physically separated for a specific period of time before divorce proceedings can begin.

So, who should move out when you decide to separate?

The first consideration should be whether children are involved. If the kids are in the picture, it may not be fair to uproot them just because the parents are having difficulties. Your children may have close relationships with the neighbors, be comfortable at school, and be involved in local activities. In such cases, moving them out of their comfort zone could make the divorce even harder for them. If one parent will be caring for the children full-time, it is likely best to allow that parent to stay in the home with the kids. According to divorce statistics, about 71% of couples decide who will move out based on who will care for the children full-time. In 51% of divorce cases in the United States, this is the mother. However, living in the family home can make things difficult for both the children and the couple left behind. It can be hard to move forward if you’re living in a constant reminder of the family you once had.

Money is another crucial factor. Regardless of what you and your spouse earned before the divorce, both of you will now need to support two separate households, each with its own set of bills and expenses. Often, this leads both parties to move out of the marital home into more affordable living situations. The bottom line is that both parties will have an electric bill to pay. While this may be a difficult concept initially, it’s one that should be approached with common sense rather than emotion. Depending on where you live, you may find it hard to afford housing on your own or find affordable, smaller housing based on your new, split incomes. This might even force you to relocate to a different town or city altogether.

In most places across the United States and Canada, common law marriage laws apply, which often dictate the importance of whose name is on the loan for the home. If you’ve been married for a certain period, and you moved into your spouse’s home, the assets of that home are just as much yours as they are your spouse’s. That said, when it comes to moving, it’s usually the party who doesn’t have legal ownership of the home who should leave. If you stay in a home owned by your spouse, you are committing to a long period of reliance and communication between you and your ex. Moreover, the fact that the home legally belongs to your ex can create many challenges down the road.

Unfortunately, many couples struggle to decide who should move out and often require mediation or court assistance to resolve the matter. Sometimes, attorneys complicate this process by suggesting that voluntarily moving out makes you less likely to receive assets from the division of property during divorce proceedings, as it might make you appear less vested. Additionally, unless there is an order for exclusive occupancy (usually only granted if one spouse poses a threat to the other), you can simply evict your spouse and their belongings.

As difficult as the decision may be, it is best to approach it with common sense and a level-headed mindset before making any hasty decisions. The pain, resentment, anger, and disappointment felt during the early stages of separation or divorce can make decisions—such as who should leave, who gets the kids, or who should keep that antique clock from the wedding—nearly impossible to make on your own or overnight. If you’re able to talk calmly and rationally with your spouse about who should relocate, your entire family will benefit.

As always, remember that what you feel right now in this moment will not compare to how you feel after some time to adjust and grow from the experience of separation and divorce. Try not to make rash decisions that could affect you later, and do your best to keep emotions out of your decision-making process.

Ultimately, in order to move forward with life and happiness, it may be essential for BOTH of you to move away from the marital or family home. Living in a constant reminder of a failed marriage is neither healthy nor beneficial for anyone.