50 years ago, it was obvious who was raising the children. Even 20 years ago, it was clear: Moms were. The age-old family dynamic that has followed us through the ages has always been matriarchal. Men went out to hunt, work, or provide for their families, while women stayed home to tend to the children and manage the household. Both jobs were seen as important, with well-defined roles and mutual respect. Today, that’s no longer the case.
For a variety of reasons, the old-fashioned family structure doesn’t always work today. In many families, both parents work multiple jobs outside of the home to pay the bills and simply afford food. In countless households, there is only one parent fulfilling both roles of mother and father, while also working outside of the home. Sadly, statistics also show that some families face situations that leave children without parents altogether due to addiction or abuse, leading to children fending for themselves or living in nontraditional family arrangements. This raises the question: Who is raising the children today?
Who is Raising the Children Today?
Without placing blame, this is a question every parent needs to ask themselves. If both parents are working diligently outside of the home, then children are often raised in daycares or by family members from a very young age. How difficult is it for parents to instill their values and morals in their child when they are not the primary influence in their life? Even more pressing is how this new family dynamic is affecting the children involved.
One insight might come from comparing the problems faced by children 50 years ago to those today. The American Family Institute, which provides resources to strengthen family systems, conducted a study that revealed a startling contrast between school problems of the past and present.
Top Seven School Problems – 1940:
- Talking out of turn
- Chewing gum
- Making noise
- Running in the halls
- Cutting in line
- Dress code violations
- Littering
Top Seven School Problems – Today:
- Drug abuse
- Alcohol abuse
- Pregnancy
- Suicide
- Rape
- Robbery
- Assault
(Courtesy of AmFam, Vol 2 Pg 5)
This chart should make any parent stop and reflect. It raises the question: Could the reason that children are 500% more violent today than they were 50 years ago be tied to how they are being raised—and who is raising them?
Even if grandparents or other trusted family members are raising the children, parents must acknowledge that this arrangement places a strain on both the kids and the grandparents. Many people argue that if grandparents were meant to raise kids, older women wouldn’t go through menopause. Harsh as it may sound, grandparents deserve to simply be grandparents, not parental figures. It’s safe to say that most grandparents do not parent their grandchildren the same way they did their own children. The same is true for other family members.
Other childcare options, such as daycares and nannies, have become common. With millions of children in daycare each day, it’s worth wondering how much real love and attention they’re receiving during these formative years. And since most daycares stop their child-rearing duties when children turn 12, many of these kids become “latchkey” children, left unsupervised for several hours a day. When considering what these children are doing and what they could be doing during those alone hours, it’s a frightening thought for any parent. The question arises: Are these children being raised at all? Or are they raising themselves in a world where they’re treated as a number, forced to survive?
Is a nanny—who interacts with your child for a short period each day—going to love and expect as much from your child as you do? The bond between parent and child is one that revolves around protection, and often it is only parents who love their child in that unconditional, protective way, ensuring that children are raised with high expectations and strong values.
The times have changed, and with that, so has the definition of parenting. It’s important to acknowledge that most parents cannot help the fact that they have to spend so much time away from their kids. There’s no blame to place, and parents should not feel guilty for the difficult choices they’ve had to make to provide for their families. Still, it’s worth considering.
Perhaps the saddest aspect of this shift is that parenting is no longer seen as a noble profession. Today, being a stay-at-home parent is often looked down upon, a sharp contrast to years ago when parents were proud to stay home and raise their children. Yet, the dictionary’s definition of a parent has not changed. So why have we?
Sociologists think they have the answer. Up until the 1960s, adults were primarily driven by a sense of responsibility in life. During this tumultuous period, however, young adults began fighting for personal freedoms, seeking to destroy institutionalized thinking in all aspects of life. This was when the family structure began to unravel, and we saw the rise of divorce, women entering the workforce, and traditional ideals of marriage and family falling apart. Today, we see the consequences of this shift—and it is our children who are suffering the most.
Still, the children of today—although not raised in the same way as children were 50 years ago—will adjust. Parents will adjust as well. But as a parent, especially if you must leave most of the child-rearing to others, it’s crucial to remain focused and diligent in being the most influential person in your child’s life. Ensure that, despite the time spent apart, the quality of your time together is high. This doesn’t mean overindulgence or trying to make up for your absence with guilt-driven experiences. It means being a parent, constantly providing nurturing, guidance, and attention, and living up to your responsibility as a parent rather than simply seeking personal freedom.
