Who’s the Boss in Your Family – Mom, Dad or the Kids

In the business world, you have a CEO, CFO, Marketing Director, Sales Managers, Human Resource Officers, and a host of assistants and other personnel to handle the grunt work. This pecking order is essential to ensure that responsibilities are divided evenly, that everyone has a specific role, and that duties are carried out with precision. If the hierarchy becomes unbalanced, businesses can fail. Interestingly, in a family, we don’t give names or have such a strict structure in place—at least not obviously. Saying one person is the boss or is in charge of the family would likely put a damper on interpersonal relationships. After all, within a family, we strive for equality and mutual respect.

The reality, however, is that each person within every family does have a specific role. And while the boundaries or descriptions may be ‘lightly defined’ or even unspoken, there is likely a boss.

The Role of Leadership in Family Dynamics

This begs the question: “Who is the boss in your family?” And more importantly, should there be a boss? Or does one person taking control throw off the balance of mutual respect and equality in a family?

In most families today, one person handles the finances, another manages the yard work, and someone is usually most responsible for the kids. There might also be someone who plans meals and cooks, or a person in charge of keeping the house clean. The majority of households divide chores and duties based on need, family makeup (for instance, a stay-at-home parent will likely handle the kids more than a working parent), and individual talent. Clearly, the most adept person in the house at handling money will likely be the one managing the bills and budget.

Yet, in many households today, there is one person who is large and in charge—someone who takes on the role of tribal leader, whose word seems to always be the final word, whether others agree with it or not. It is also becoming increasingly common for children to take charge in some families, telling their parents what to do and making decisions about the family’s overall function based on their needs and desires.

Historically, we come from a long tradition of patriarchal roles, where men in the family were the rule-makers and decision-makers. Decades ago, it was considered politically incorrect for mothers to say, “Wait until your father gets home,” as dad was seen as the ultimate disciplinarian. Men were often the ones in charge of making important family decisions. This tradition also extended to elders and generations of men who ruled the household, while women tended to what was considered “woman’s work.”

In a recent study by The University of Michigan, family dynamics are shown to be changing. Today, both men and women take on leadership roles in the family. Often, the division of labor and responsibilities are clearly outlined from the beginning of the relationship to ensure equality and clear communication. Modern men are giving up the traditional notion of ‘control,’ and women are becoming empowered to handle tasks that, just decades ago, were considered male duties. This shift has made a big difference in marriage dynamics, and research has found that when families operate with a balanced routine of responsibilities, households—much like businesses—run more smoothly. Plus, when both husband and wife are involved in decision-making and treat each other as equals, the relationship avoids the often silent hierarchy. Today, fewer women are saying, “I have to ask my husband” as if seeking permission; instead, more are saying, “My husband and I have to discuss this.” According to Money Magazine, around 41% of all household budgets and bill payments are managed by women.

At the end of the day, there is likely still a stronger personality in the home who has some influence in the family dynamics. Two strong-willed, headstrong people who both strive to be in charge can make for a competitive marriage. The key is striking a balance that gives all members of the family, from the kids on up, the freedom to express their thoughts and feelings, and to have a say in the family’s overall dynamic. Family is about partnerships, and while it’s necessary to have some organization and leadership for it to work, there is nothing to say that these qualities cannot come from multiple people.

If the balance of power in a marriage leans too far toward one person, the other family members may feel undermined, insignificant, or even victimized. The best advice is to allow each family member to have ‘control’ over the areas they manage best. Capitalize on one another’s skills, and try to keep overall decision-making as a general consensus that includes everyone’s opinions and feelings. Remember that while businesses and organizations need a pecking order to survive and thrive, families thrive on mutual respect and compassion.