Thinking back to the pre-children days, you probably imagined preparing gourmet meals for your family. You envisioned the four of you (one boy and one girl) sitting down to a hearty meal by candlelight, using the best dishes in your cabinet, enjoying nothing but conversation at the table. Afterwards, everyone—even your toddler—would help clean up the kitchen so you could end the evening snuggled up together on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching a movie. Yeah, right!
Now, the mere thought of cooking a nice meal stresses you out. Not only does it mean you have to go out and buy food—like fresh asparagus and veal—that your family will likely turn their nose up at, but you also need to find the time to cook it amid screaming kids acting like wild hyenas. And if the cooking process takes too long, they’ll have already invaded the bag of Cheetos you hid in the cabinet and filled themselves up on leftover gummy bears from the sofa cushions. Not to mention, getting everyone to sit down at the table while the food is still hot is a pipe dream. So is the candlelight. And the conversation. Because the only thing you’re likely talking about at the dinner table is the rules and manners that seem to have escaped your children’s minds.
Managing Expectations During Mealtime
Now, add in a not-so-spill-proof sippy cup, a child who won’t eat vegetables and thinks that roasted chicken is the grossest thing on earth, an entire plate spilled on the floor during a tantrum, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. When the last person leaves the table, you still haven’t eaten—and the dog is spending an unusually large amount of time ‘cleaning up’ remnants from under the table—you’re likely left wondering why you even bothered to make a nice meal.
A nice meal? Why bother? Could it be that this is a part of life you’ll never experience again? Does anyone truly appreciate (or even recognize) the effort you put into preparing a nice meal for your family? Wouldn’t it have just been easier, cheaper, and more convenient to order a large pepperoni pizza and call it a day?
Here’s the thing: you aren’t destined for a life without family meals together. You just have to change your expectations a little bit while your kids are young. Instead of putting so much effort into planning and preparing the meal yourself in the hopes that someone will acknowledge your work, enlist the help of the entire family. Even the smallest members can pitch in some way. And rather than hold such high standards for what dinnertime is supposed to look and feel like, be happy with the small victories.
Remember, your dinner times will become lasting memories for your family. They may not be perfect. There will likely be spilled food, arguments, and turned noses at the food you serve. You’ll always have at least one person who won’t like what you cooked and may whine, pout, or sit for hours in front of a plate of peas refusing to take one bite. And it’s your job to ensure your children know how to sit down at a table and enjoy a nice meal. It’s backwards to think you can teach them manners anywhere but at the table. The conversation may not always be pleasant, grown-up, or fulfilling—but there will be conversations. You just have to take it in stages and realize which phase of life you’re in.
By the time your kids are old enough to sit down and have a nice meal, they’ll have so many things going on in their own lives that sitting at the table with you to talk and eat will feel like some twisted punishment. And the conversations still may not be what you expect them to be. Your teenager may even have worse manners than your toddlers did.
As a parent—and as a family—it’s important not to rely too much on dreams and fantasies. Things don’t always go as planned, but they do go… and you should always be able to find some of the small successes in your life every day. If mealtime feels like a bust right now and isn’t something you look forward to, celebrate that you at least served your kids whole grains or that they ate a few bites of vegetables. In other words, be lenient with yourself. And with your family.
Believe it or not, mealtimes will get better. As time marches on, you’ll find that your children will appreciate your efforts at dinnertime (and beyond). There will come a day when they walk in the door and beg you to cook their favorite meal. Sure, it’s a long way off, and right now it feels like your current efforts to prepare a nice meal are falling into the laps of people who just don’t care or appreciate it. (Which, let’s be honest, is kind of true.) But this phase, too, shall pass.
If you must cook a nice meal, and you want it to be appreciated, take the easy route: order a pepperoni pizza for your kiddos and save the candlelight, wine, veal, and asparagus for you and your spouse!
