Why Do Couples Argue?
Setting aside the simple fact that two human beings are attempting to share and merge two separate lives, each filled with different chemical make-ups, feelings, behaviors, pasts, preferences, dislikes, and lifestyles, the real reason behind most arguments can be boiled down to one word: power. While statistics show that couples argue about money more than anything else, the truth is that everything two people argue about—whether they are married, schoolyard friends, or family members—boils down to a struggle for personal power. Sad, but true!
If you take a look at nature and the animal kingdom, you can easily see how power struggles surface during every disagreement in wildlife or with humans. The struggle for power is what drives wars, and it’s exactly what drives couples to argue. The bottom line is that everyone loves to be agreed with. It’s human nature to feel elated and justified when someone else shares your perspective. If you were to take a worldwide poll on any subject, you would automatically side with those who agree with you, whether you like them or not. So, in a relationship, whether it’s about watching the latest episode of 24 or American Idol, it’s about having the power to be agreed with—in other words, to be right.
In marriage or partnerships, success cannot depend on being agreed with all the time. Your partner is a completely different person with patterns of thought that are deeply ingrained, and they won’t always agree with you. Expecting otherwise is immature and breeds trouble. You also can’t expect to hold the “power” in the relationship to make the rules and decide everything without starting a silent—or not so silent—war. Caution should be exercised by those who try to make others agree with them and place their happiness and power in always being right.
There are millions of hurdles in relationships. However, believing that you know someone so well or that your opinions are so solid that they can’t be questioned is a flaw all your own. It would be like using a map of Canada to navigate the United States—you will get nowhere.
Why Couples Argue
The reason couples argue is often because one person feels they are right. For example, if your husband hangs out with friends after work and you strongly feel that this isn’t appropriate, you’ve engaged in a power struggle to be right. If you are arguing about money, it’s about who has the power. The truth is that each person holds a power all their own, and it doesn’t need to be validated by anyone or anything else. Or, at least, it shouldn’t. What makes relationships so exciting is allowing yourself to love someone who is different from you and embracing those differences, whether you agree with them or not.
What Are Couples Arguing About?
Some issues are serious. Relationship experts indicate that most couples argue over the same things time and again. For instance, you might be upset that your partner isn’t as romantic as you believe they should be. Every time you argue about groceries, money, housework, or where to go on vacation, you’re really arguing about the fact that your partner isn’t romantic enough for you. In your mind, you’ve decided that real and true love is obvious and that public displays of affection (PDA) are appropriate. You’ve created a pattern of thought that says, “If he/she loved me, they would do this…” or “If they loved me, they would see how important this is to me.” In reality, you’re arguing over the power to be right. No matter how hard you try, you can’t change people, and very few will live up to every expectation you have of how things should be. Sometimes, you need to accept things as they are and realize that no one— not even your partner—has the power to make you feel one way or another. It’s only your reaction to the power struggle and your own insecurities that lead to these feelings. When you understand this completely and can be happy even when you don’t feel powerful, you can truly enjoy a relationship that is fulfilling and honest.
Another reason couples argue is that very few people use their words with integrity. How many times have you planned an argument or written a letter to your significant other with a “plan” in mind? You want to be heard; you want them to know everything you feel and have to say. Why not just say it? If people, especially in marriages, could learn to be honest from the beginning—and stop sugar-coating their thoughts and words to make them “agreeable” to someone else—arguments wouldn’t last long. For instance, if it completely irritates you that your spouse doesn’t initiate sex, why not just say, “You need to initiate sex more!”? Instead, feelings get hurt, and you feel like your ‘power’ has been taken away.
More often than not, few of us are mind readers. You may think you know what someone else is thinking, but this ‘knowledge’ is based on your perspective, not theirs. It’s like using the wrong map. To save time, irritation, and strain on the relationship—let go of the need to be validated, to be right, and to hold the power to change someone else based on what you think. Combined with succinct honesty, this can help prevent arguments and build a healthier relationship.
You won’t like everything about your spouse. Sometimes, you won’t like anything about them, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed you were compatible. But take a breath, step back, and see what kind of power struggle and need to be right you’re truly engaging in. Then, readjust your position and be honest with your words. The result will be happier, healthier relationships—still not free of arguments, but at least free from personal struggles for power.
