If we could tell you with 100% accuracy why men lie about cheating, we’d be experts on the male psyche. Unfortunately, we’re not.
We believe it was Gordon Lightfoot who wrote,
“If you could read my mind, love, What a tale my thoughts could tell. Just like an old-time movie, ‘Bout a ghost from a wishin’ well…”
While we don’t claim to know the essence of men, we’ve worked and played with them all our lives, and we think we can identify some reasons why they lie about cheating—or why they keep ghosts in their closets. Some frustrated women will even go so far as to say that men lie, period. Not just about cheating, but about everything else.
Why?
We’ll venture some educated guesses:
- Relationship with Parents – When a boy grows up in a home where his parents demand excellence in everything—academics, sports, community service—he may eventually feel overwhelmed and think that a little white lie wouldn’t hurt now and then. “Professor Roberts loved my essay, Dad”; “I scored a home run today, Mom”; “Yes, I called Mrs. James’ daughter. I’ll ask her out soon.” Pleasing his parents can create significant pressure for a young lad who is struggling with his identity while living up to his parents’ expectations. If his parents are prominent citizens or accomplished individuals in the arts, sciences, or business, he may feel like an extension of them. When he tries to uphold their image, he may seek escape in lies to avoid disappointing them. This pattern often continues into his marriage, where he might find it difficult to meet his wife’s expectations and believe that lying is sometimes the best way to maintain peace.
- Reputation to Protect – When a man feels looked up to by colleagues, friends, neighbors, and family, he may feel compelled to hide any behavior deemed unacceptable or wrong. Why ruin a reputation he has spent years building? Why not let his co-workers continue to believe he’s a faithful husband and loving father?
- Avoidance of Confrontation – Some men will do anything to avoid confrontation with their wives. They may feel there’s no point in creating drama at home or dealing with a hysterical partner who won’t listen to reason. To evade a messy situation, they might lie about cheating to dodge the fallout if they’re caught.
- Fun and Enjoyment – Some men are natural skirt chasers and enjoy the company of other women without wanting to leave their wives. For them, a little infidelity breaks the monotony of marriage and adds excitement. They may love their wives deeply and can’t imagine living without them, yet still seek thrills outside the relationship.
- Desire Not to Take the Blame – Some men know that if their wives caught them cheating, they would likely file for divorce. A proven affair could lead to severe consequences, including losing the divorce battle and facing financial repercussions. Why admit to infidelity when denial could protect them?
- Chronic Lying – Some, though not all, men are chronic liars. They may lie about everything—how much they make, their job performance, and their love for their families. They are skilled at flattery (“Nice dress, it highlights your curves, sweetheart”) and have no qualms about telling bold lies. They are con men disguised in fine clothing, willing to say anything to achieve their ends. When it comes to cheating, they excel at deceit but will never admit it. Lying is ingrained in their character.
When Men Lie About Cheating – Telltale Signs
Women are good at sniffing out deception. They possess an instinct for detecting lies, especially when it comes to cheating—an “occupational hazard” that comes with saying “I do.” If you confront your spouse and he insists he never cheats and would never dream of doing so, don’t push it. There’s no point in starting a fight. But if you have the slightest suspicion, be vigilant for telltale signs. Sometimes it’s wise to remain silent. You know the saying: “silence is golden.” You can keep track of his behaviors and use them later if you find yourself in divorce court.
- Unexplained Disappearances – You’re at a party, and your husband vanishes for a few minutes. He’s not mingling with guests; he’s upstairs or behind the bushes making a phone call.
- Sudden Business Trips Where He Can’t Be Reached – Why does he insist on “don’t call me, I’ll call you”? Why does he conveniently “forget” to tell you what hotel he’s staying in? Why can’t his secretary provide information?
- Charges on His Credit Card – There’s a $250 charge for a gold bracelet from a jewelry store. Why isn’t he wearing it?
- Untouchable Cell Phone – He guards his cell phone fiercely and won’t let you use it. He even brings it to the bathroom and is careful not to leave it lying around.
- Weird Telephone Messages – “Ma’am, could you please tell Mr. Roberts that I’ve fixed the leak in his condo and will be sending him my bill soon?” Didn’t he say he couldn’t afford a summer cottage because he’s waiting for his stock options to come through?
- No Sexual Advances Recently – Why isn’t he romantically flirting with you anymore? Is he getting it somewhere else? Is he too tired from all that activity?
- Absent-Mindedness, Distractions – You feel like your husband hardly listens to you or struggles with small talk. It seems like his mind is elsewhere—and you know it isn’t on work.
- Ringing Phone, No One There – Your husband’s girlfriend tries to call him at home, but when you answer, the line goes dead.
- Strange Smells or Hair on His Coat – You notice an unfamiliar perfume, and the hair strands on his coat aren’t your color.
- Suddenly a Gym Freak – He claimed to hate gyms and exercise. Why is he now at the gym eight days a week, looking lean and mean?
Ideally, the best approach is to remain calm when you catch your husband lying about cheating. Collect evidence like a good detective. Men often flee from emotionally charged confrontations and can’t handle wild accusations, tears, and drama. Be cool and psychologically stable. Instead of ranting about why men lie about cheating, focus on understanding why they cheat.
Ask your husband calmly why he cheated. Present the evidence. He might be more willing to tell the truth if you’re not angry. And perhaps you can suggest couples therapy.
Remember, there can be many reasons why men lie about cheating. Keep communication lines open. It doesn’t mean the love between you is dead; it may simply indicate that it hasn’t had the chance to flourish due to problems at home or that something in the marriage needs fixing.
