How Do You Fight with Your Partner?
John and Mary sat in their counselor’s office and proudly stated, “We never fight!” They went on to explain that their relationship was at an all-time low. They spoke very little to each other and had even started considering separation. The counselor thought to herself, Well, if they never fight or have any conflict, why are they in so much trouble and seeking counseling? When people think of fighting, they often picture two openly angry individuals, their voices raised, faces distorted, and saying mean and hurtful things. They are typically expressing how disappointed, hurt, and frustrated they are with each other. Anger often covers up the deeper feelings of hurt, sadness, and disappointment beneath the surface. Yes, this is one form of fighting – a more aggressive form.
On the other end of the spectrum is passive fighting. Passive fighters hold back. They may or may not be aware of how angry, hurt, or disappointed they are, but they tend to bottle up their emotions. Their passivity, polite smiles, and outward calmness mask the deeper feelings that stay hidden. Open conflict, like the one John and Mary are experiencing, scares passive fighters. They often fear that open, direct conflict could lead to the end of their relationship. Over time, they’ve learned to stay quiet and avoid using their voices to express what they want, feel, or need from their partner. In these situations, “ice walls” can form in the relationship, often resulting in a lack of emotional and physical intimacy.
What Does Conflict Mean for a Relationship?
Throughout life, we assert our independence. As a toddler, we want to do things “our way,” rebelling against parental commands. The same happens in the teenage years: “Yeah, I’ll do my homework,” or “Sure, I’ll take out the garbage,” only to find it hasn’t been done. Teenagers often try to communicate to their parents that they are different and need to be treated differently. “All my friends’ parents understand me, why don’t you trust me?”
As we grow, we learn to become our own unique selves, with our own wants, feelings, and values. This drive to be our own “SELF” continues throughout life and manifests most prominently in our intimate relationships. These differences often result in conflicts with our partners. Productive conflict, however, can serve as a “bridge” to better communication and a deeper understanding of each other. Unresolved conflict, on the other hand, leads to unmet needs, unheard feelings, and further disputes: “You just don’t understand or listen to me!” Productive conflict allows couples to better understand each other and adjust their relationship to meet each other’s changing needs.
Both aggressive and passive communication styles are not inherently wrong; they are just different. However, if conflict does not lead to productive communication, couples can find themselves stuck in a cycle of “open warfare” or hiding behind an “ice wall” of silence and withdrawal. Conflict becomes even more strained when one partner is aggressive and the other is passive. The aggressive style can feel very scary to a passive partner, often causing them to shut down and feel bullied.
What You Can Do
- First, discover your conflict style. Understanding how you and your partner handle disagreements can provide valuable insights into your relationship.
- Second, aggressive fighters must learn to manage and express their anger in ways that don’t scare their partner. They can have a much more positive influence by learning to calm down, lower their voice, and avoid blaming, criticizing, or name-calling. It’s also important to learn when to call a “Time Out” if things start to escalate.
- Third, passive fighters must learn to open up and express what’s bothering them. Sometimes, writing down thoughts or using other forms of expression can help with this.
- Finally, both partners can grow and improve their relationship by learning to listen to each other. Taking turns listening and speaking without interruptions is a good place to start. Using “I” statements helps keep the conversation focused on personal feelings. Avoid blaming, criticizing, being defensive, or withdrawing, as these behaviors will derail effective communication. Really listening and showing that you understand your partner’s feelings and thoughts is a powerful way to validate them. Validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you understand.
Learning how to manage conflict and actively listen to each other can help build a bridge to better intimacy and connection in your relationship.
