Why Parents Should Not Spoil Children

littler girl hugging her mom

If you’ve ever watched MTV’s reality television series Sweet 16, where each episode features a teenager’s elaborate preparations for their 16th birthday party, or the more well-known Nanny 911 on Fox, you’ve likely gotten an unsettling look into the lives of America’s most obnoxiously spoiled children. Are these kids the exception, or is your child at risk of growing into a moody adolescent who demands a $100,000 car for their Sweet 16?

The sad truth is that it’s often much easier to spoil your child than to avoid it. But what exactly is a spoiled child? How does a precious newborn turn into one in just a few short years? And how does a child learn to manipulate their parents and avoid discipline altogether?

Is Your Child Spoiled?

Ask yourself the following questions about your little one:

Does your child follow rules?
Does he stop when you say “stop”?
Does he seem to argue about almost everything? Is it hard to keep him happy?
Does he beg for an unnecessary toy as though it’s essential?
Does he disregard the needs and wants of other family members?
Does he throw uncontrollable tantrums on a regular basis?
If you answered “yes” to several of these questions, you may have some work ahead of you.

Of course, no child behaves perfectly, and some will naturally be more stubborn than others. But there is a line that a child can cross, and fortunately, you can prevent them from crossing it—if you know where it is. It’s best to learn about effective parenting early on—ideally, even before your child is born. But if you’re behind, it’s never too late to take control. To do this, however, it’s important to understand what bad parenting looks like.

What Causes Spoiling?
Spoiled children often come from households where the parents are overly lenient. But what does “lenient” mean? If you give in to your child’s temper tantrums rather than disciplining them, or if you avoid setting rules and boundaries, you’re likely being too permissive. Once you start doing this, you’ve given your child power over you, which can strengthen their ego and encourage selfish behavior. Even before they’re a year old, children start picking up on their parents’ responses and learn how to manipulate a lenient parent.

Parents often spoil their children because they lack proper education in parenting. Many confuse needs with wants and assume that a crying child is a sign of bad parenting. However, all children need to experience unhappiness and frustration. If they aren’t allowed to struggle, they will become overly accustomed to receiving constant attention and affection. For instance, your child doesn’t need that toy soldier; it’s okay for them to cry about it, but you should calmly explain that the toy is unnecessary. If they continue to demand it, they should be put in time-out.

It’s also speculated that, because both mothers and fathers are working more full-time jobs than ever before, they often feel guilty about hiring babysitters or nannies. As a result, they may avoid disciplining their children, which contributes to the rise in spoiled behavior.

Why Spoiling Hurts Everyone
Ultimately, everyone suffers when a child is spoiled—both the child and their family. A spoiled child is ill-prepared for the real world and will struggle to get along with peers and adults throughout their life. So, how can you discipline your child effectively?

Tips for Proper Discipline

Have a Unified Front
It can be a real challenge to discipline your child, whether they’re 2 or 12. It’s crucial that both parents support each other and agree on the rules. If you’re a single parent or step-parent, consistency is key. Step-parents should be careful not to enforce too much authority too early, as this can be threatening to children and may make things worse.

Remember That Crying Is Okay
Just as a newborn’s first cry is a miracle, crying remains a normal part of childhood development. Don’t feel the need to immediately quiet your child with a treat or toy. If your child learns that crying or throwing tantrums will get them more attention, affection, or rewards, they will continue to act out. Children are practical—they will do whatever works, so ensure that when your child throws a tantrum, they do not get what they want.

Don’t Bargain
While it may be appropriate to negotiate with teenagers, especially when you’re parenting a teenager, it’s important not to bargain with younger children. Simply enforce the rules without negotiating. Bargaining with your child gives them power and encourages selfishness. Don’t think of your child like a salesperson—no deal-making!

Let Your Child Struggle
If your toddler or adolescent is having a hard time, resist the urge to swoop in and fix everything. It’s vital that they learn how to cope with challenging situations. After all, if they don’t, how will they manage as adults? You also don’t want to overpraise your child, inflating their ego. Be positive and supportive, but avoid raising a child who believes they are extraordinary for doing normal things. When they eventually encounter reality, it may be a harsh wake-up call.

If your child seems past the point of no return, it might be helpful to consult a childcare professional for additional guidance.If you’ve ever watched MTV’s reality television series “Sweet 16,” in which every episode features a different teenager’s elaborate party preparations for his or her 16th birthday party, or the more well-known “Nanny 911” on Fox, you’ve probably gotten an eerie look into the lives of America’s most obnoxiously spoiled children. Are they the exception to the rule or is your child in danger of growing into a moody adolescent who demands you buy them a $100,000 car for their Sweet 16?

The sad truth is that it is a lot easier to spoil your children than to not spoil them. But what is a spoiled child exactly? And how does a precious newborn turn into one over the period of just a few years? How does a child learn to manipulate his or her own parents and avoid disciplinary action left and right?

First off, is your child spoiled? Ask yourself the following questions about your little one:

Does he follow rules?

  • Does he stop when you say “stop”?
  • Does he seem to fight about almost anything? Is it difficult to keep him happy?
  • Does he beg for an unnecessary toy as though it is as necessary as food?
  • Does he disregard other family member’s wants and needs?
  • Does he throw uncontrollable tantrums on a regular basis?

If you answered a hard yes to more than a few of these questions, you might have some work ahead of you.

Obviously, no child behaves perfectly and some will naturally be more stubborn than others. But there is a line a child can cross and fortunately, you can prevent them from crossing that line (if you know where it is, of course)! It’s better to learn about good parenting early on, ideally before your child is even born, but it’s better late than never to take back control. In order to learn about good parenting, however, it’s important to understand what bad parenting is.

Spoiled children usually come from households where the parents are very lenient. What does lenient mean? If you give into your child’s temper tantrum, rather than punish him for it, or if you refuse to limit your child to rules or guidelines, then you are probably being too permissive. Once you’ve done this, you’ve given your child power over you and that strengthens his ego and influences him to be selfish in various situations. Before a child is even a year old, he will tune into his mother and/or father’s parenting techniques and learn how to manipulate a lenient parent.

Parents tend to spoil their children if they are simply put, uneducated about parenting. Many parents mix up needs and wants and perceive a crying child as a child that is being poorly parented. But this is not the case – all children need to feel unhappiness and frustration; if they are not let alone during these struggles, they will get too accustomed to attention and affection. Your child does not need that toy soldier; you should not feel bad if he cries for it, but instead you should explain to him that he does not need the toy soldier and he will be put in time out if he continues to ask for it. It is speculated that because both mothers and fathers are more commonly in the full-time workforce than ever before, they feel guilty about hiring babysitters or nannies for their children and thus won’t discipline their children. Whatever the case, it seems that spoiled children are on the rise.

In the end, everybody is hurt when a child is spoiled – his family and himself. A spoiled child is not prepared for the real world and will butt heads with peers and adults for the rest of his life. So, here are some tips for parents who want to properly discipline their child:

  • Have a unified front – It can be a real struggle to properly discipline your child, whether they’re 2-years-old or 12-years-old, so it’s important that both parents have each other’s back. Whether you’re a single parent or a step-parent, it’s crucial that everybody agrees upon the rules in the household. Step parents should be wary, however, that they don’t enforce too much authority early on, as that is threatening to children and can make matters worse.
  • Remember that crying is okay – Just as a newborn’s first cry is such a miracle, when that newborn gets older, he will indeed cry. It’s normal and it’s okay. Do not try to instantly quiet him with a chocolate bar or toy. If your child learns that crying and tantrums mean he will get more attention or affection, or some sort of goody, he will continue to whine. Children are practical, just like grown adults. They will do what works! So make sure that when he throws a tantrum, he does not get what he wants
  • Don’t bargain – If you’re trying to parent a teenager, it’s sometimes appropriate to negotiate rules and punishments. However, especially for the tiniest tots, do not discuss the rules – simply enforce them. Again, by bargaining with your child, you simply hand him power and encourage him to be self-centered. Do not think about your child as you would a salesperson.
  • Let your child struggle – If your toddler or adolescent is going through a tough time, it may not be necessary that you swoop to the rescue. It’s vital that he learns at a young age how to cope with stressful situations. After all, if he doesn’t, how will he enter life as an adult? He’ll be utterly unprepared. You also don’t want to overpraise your child and give him an inflated ego that doesn’t mesh well with the real world. You always want to be positive and supportive, but you don’t want to raise a delusional child either. If your child believes that the normal tasks he’s accomplishing are extraordinary, he’s going to be in for a real shock when he discovers they were really quite regular.

If your child seems to be past the point of no return, it might be a good idea to enlist some extra help from a child care professional.

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