Yes, yes, we know—it’s not considered appropriate for a couple to shack up together unless they’ve tied the marital knot. The problem is, NOT living with someone before you marry them can actually tie your marriage in knots. While living together first may not be for everyone, and there are still many who believe marriage should come before cohabitation, interestingly, a study conducted by The New York Times agrees with that thinking, going so far as to say, “Choosing to live together before marriage is NOT smart.” The study also indicated that people who cohabited before marriage were less likely to make it to their 10-year anniversary. However, when you read the fine print of the study, a few things become obvious—and this author still believes you should live together first.
For one thing, divorce is more common around the 7–10 year anniversary, a time when many people experience the so-called mid-life crisis and try to rediscover who they are. Essentially, if you live together first, you shorten the time it takes to reach this point in the relationship. You’ve already pretended to be married for a certain number of years, so if you’ve lived together for two years before marriage, the 7-year itch could hit you around five years into the marriage.
The study also showed no research supporting the idea that living together before marriage is the root cause of destroying marital bliss. It merely showed that couples who live together first are less likely to be married for a decade. Bottom line: whether you divorce at 8 years or 12 years, you’re still getting a divorce.
Learn About Your Partner’s Habits
There are, in fact, good reasons why you should live together first. For one thing, dating someone—even seriously—is nowhere near the same as sharing space. Living together and learning about your partner’s intricate habits can take quite a while to adjust to. Each of you likely has different ideas about basic things, from what’s considered clean to what’s an appropriate bedtime. Then, there are the sleeping arrangements to consider, the difficult task of sharing a bathroom with the opposite sex (not to mention someone you love), and the most brutal reality: living together decreases your ability to get away from each other! This means you and your partner are privy to each other’s moods, irritations, and every ill-tempered evening, rather than having the option to politely excuse yourself and retreat to your own home. And boy, is that a biggie.
Digging deeper, when you live with someone, you learn about their little dirty secrets and idiosyncrasies. Remember your college roommate who insisted on storing dirty socks under their bed? Or the roommate a few years ago who never threw anything away? The difference in a relationship is that couples must find that “happy place,” especially if they plan on living together forever. This “happy place” is the compromise zone where you tolerate your partner’s quirks, and they, in turn, make an effort to modify their compulsive behaviors just enough to keep the peace. Call it compromise, give-and-take, or whatever you like, but for a marriage to work, this has to happen. So, in a strange way, it makes sense to find this balance before getting hitched, rather than after.
Another reason to live together before marriage is to experiment and see if you truly have what it takes to make it 50 years together. Let’s face it: all relationships plateau at some point. When they do, they can seem boring, uneventful, and a lot can go wrong. You may even realize that you don’t like each other as much now that the hormonal rush of falling in love has settled down. Sadly, many people don’t realize that they’re mismatched when it comes to being friends as well as lovers until after marriage.
Marriage is as much about liking the person you’re with enough to fall in and out of love ten times a year—but still want to stay together. Many people joke about seeing their significant other in the morning or what they act like when they’re sick. Cohabitation gives you the opportunity to witness all of that—and more. Seriously, when a relationship gets boring, there are many who no longer want to continue, feeling as if the spark is gone. In reality, this “letdown” is just real life settling in. Couples who make it past this point can enjoy a long and happy marriage.
There are further sensible reasons to live together before marriage—one of which is financial. When you live with someone, you get to see how much they spend, whether they’re thrifty, and most importantly, whether you and your partner are financially compatible. Remember, more marriages end in divorce due to financial issues than for any other reason. By paying attention to how your live-in partner spends and saves, you can better prepare for marriage.
Shacking up opens the opportunity to discuss financial goals and plans right now and can lead to the implementation of habits and future planning that will make your married life more secure. By having this conversation now, you’re able to bridge the gap across this—and many other—essential conversations that far too many couples ignore. The same is true with politics, religion, extended family dynamics, socialization, work habits, and more.
It’s true that many studies may indicate you shouldn’t live together before marriage. But then again, there are millions of couples today who live together quite happily—without ever feeling the need to take a vow or tie the knot. A large portion of these people have children together and are living the so-called “married life” without the paperwork.
For some of these people, making it official isn’t important. For others, it may be. For those who want to get married eventually but have partners who do not, the living-together arrangement can make things more complicated. How? In a sense, you’re enabling the “giving away the milk for free” mentality. So why should they buy the farm?
What’s most important in any relationship, however, is love and respect—not always marital status. Some people feel strongly against the institution of marriage, often for deeply ingrained reasons. If you can understand them and help them understand why marriage is so important to you, you may find a way to compromise. Just be aware that pushing for marriage too forcefully could ruin what is otherwise a fulfilling relationship.
Ultimately, the decision to live with someone before getting married should be based on how you feel, what you believe, and what you think is right. Take time to make this decision and remain open to the possibility that it could strengthen your marriage, should you eventually decide to wed.
