Will the Marriage Survive When the Children Move Out

According to statistics, if you survive the first 7 years of marriage, you have made it through one of the most difficult phases of holy matrimony. However, surviving the first decade does not necessarily guarantee a successful marriage. For many couples, the real issues arise when they face the first case of empty nest syndrome. This phenomenon seems to solidify the fact that many people wait until the children are grown before acting on their impulses to divorce. While waiting until custody is no longer an issue may make things easier for you, your spouse, and most importantly, the kids, the question remains: how will the marriage survive once the children move out?

The Empty Nest and Its Impact on Marriage

With an empty nest often comes the vivid realization that you also have an empty marriage. While tending to the family can take attention away from the faults in your relationship, it’s easy to co-exist with your partner amidst the hustle and bustle of raising children. Long periods of time without sex, intimacy, or communication are often dismissed as part of the price you pay for having kids. However, in the long run, the ties that once connected you become increasingly broken and difficult to repair.

Suddenly, the kids are gone, and you and your partner are sitting across from each other in a living room filled with financed furniture that has finally been paid off. You might find yourself wondering just who that person is. With the end of years spent keeping up appearances for the sake of the children, you might even realize you don’t really like the person sitting across from you. Without the distraction of the kids, divorce may feel imminent, and it might even feel like a relief.

The key to longevity in marriage isn’t something that can be pinned down to just one or two factors. However, communication is absolutely essential. When you are fully focused on raising children and providing a successful environment for them to thrive, it’s easy and often necessary to put your own desires and needs on the back burner. Still, every couple has a breaking point. If you can maintain mindful communication throughout your marriage, and avoid letting a series of small issues snowball into a major realization of incompatibility once the kids leave, your chances of a successful marriage are much better.

Many couples reach the empty nest phase and realize they don’t really know what went wrong. There were hints along the way—realizations that the two of you haven’t connected, spent time together, been intimate, or even communicated—but these concerns were simply pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. For couples who reach this point with disappointment yet still love their partner, the relationship can actually become better than it ever was before. Of course, getting to the point where you both feel reconnected isn’t as simple as a desire to do so. In fact, it might feel as difficult as reconnecting with a perfect stranger. But it is possible.

Obviously, there are many major life-changing moments that define your future. Finding yourself alongside your spouse after the kids have grown up is one of them. It can be very uncomfortable, especially if the marriage has been riddled with animosity or discontent. You will also find that decisions become clearer because there are fewer external factors, and fewer people involved in your immediate choices. What will you do?

There is no surefire way to guarantee that your marriage will survive when the kids grow up and move out. The divorce rate for couples married for 25 years or more hovers around 30%, which is substantial when you consider the effort it took to maintain the marriage this long. Do you throw those years away and move forward with your own life now that divorce is a real possibility? Or do you work to rebuild and improve upon the marriage you once dreamed of having?

One interesting statistic from the book The Second Half of Marriage shows that couples who are willing to date their spouse again and work on rebuilding often benefit in many ways, including emotionally and health-wise. The book reports that couples who strive to deepen their marital bonds often find themselves in a much more fulfilling marriage than they ever imagined. But of course, this takes work, and only you and your spouse can decide if it’s worth it.

The 1999 movie The Story of Us is definitely worth watching for couples approaching the empty nest years. The film follows a couple who contemplate divorce after realizing their marriage is in shambles when their kids go to summer camp and leave them alone with each other. While the movie wasn’t a blockbuster hit, it delves into the very common issues couples face later in life. When discussing topics like this, it becomes clear that there’s never truly a time in your marriage when things become easier or more obvious. Marriage takes work. From the beginning to the end, a truly happy and successful marriage requires numerous personal sacrifices and a tremendous amount of effort. Will yours be one of them?