It is normal—and instinctive, really—to worry about your child’s safety. From the moment they are born, parents feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep their child safe. Suddenly, things that never seemed dangerous before become a carnival ride of danger. For many parents, hearing about abductions, abuse, and freak accidents that happen in the lives of children has a dramatic effect on how they care for their own child. While it’s always better to be safe than sorry, excessive worry and constant warnings can become detrimental to a child over time.
In recent years, extensive research studies have been conducted on the effects of parental anxiety on children. As author Elizabeth Stone puts it, “The decision to have a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” With this statement comes the silent realization that, in some event or circumstance, your child could be fatally harmed. And no parent ever wants to experience that pain. Yet, while parents are worried about the playground as if it were a war zone, kids are simply being kids. Too much worry can actually hinder a child’s development, self-confidence, and trust in the world.
In the book Protecting the Gift, Gavin de Becker says about parental worry: “Preparedness is a funny thing. There’s only so much of it a soul can stand because the problem with bracing for the worst is you have to imagine it first.”
Finding a Balance Between Safety and Freedom
Translating this to parenting, it’s clear that integrating excessive worry into your parenting experience not only affects your own emotions and stability as a parent, but it also dramatically affects how safe your child feels in life. When kids are babies or toddlers, many parents become “NO-NO” parents. Of course, you want to teach your child about potential dangers in life. No good mom or dad is going to let their child climb to the top of the fridge or stick a screwdriver into an electrical socket. However, when does “no” become too much?
If you were to watch a group of children, you’d see major differences in kids whose parents are excessively worried about their safety. These children often become inherently dependent, unable to make even simple decisions without seeking authoritative approval. Long term, this can lead to rebelliousness in later years when children naturally want to make their own decisions, or it can result in complete dependency and insecurity. Neither of these outcomes is ideal for life.
The key is finding balance. Obviously, you want to provide a safe environment for your children. The fear of your child getting hurt is a billion-dollar industry, and it’s one of the most highly searched-for topics today. Long before parents give birth, many are willing to pay hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to baby-proof their homes. This baby-proofing can escalate as parents worry about their child’s mortality, and inevitably, they may end up trying to life-proof their children.
It’s true that you cannot always think in terms of danger. In order for your child to learn to walk, they must learn how to fall down and dust themselves off. If parents become hysterical over a bump or boo-boo and are undone by the thought of a bruised head, children will be afraid to walk. How will they ever learn to run? More importantly, how can parents who worry a lot (which we all do) learn to balance their worry and remain realistic?
For one thing, it is important to put your worry about your child’s safety into perspective. The number one worry for parents is that their child will be kidnapped by a stranger. Yes, it does happen, but it’s rare. In fact, experts admit that a child is more likely to die of a heart attack than to be kidnapped by a stranger. How many times have you heard of a toddler having a heart attack? While the possibility does exist, it is remote. In the United States, the number of stranger kidnappings has not exceeded 100 children in the past four decades. Imagining the scenario and taking common-sense steps to protect yourself and your child is important. But is it worth frightening your child to the point of anxiety over a rare possibility? Teaching them how to react and deal with strangers is much more productive than scaring them to death. The first step in avoiding being a worrywart is to keep your fears rational!
The next step is to become an advocate for safety. Teaching your children how to be safe is one of your most important parental responsibilities. You need to teach them that the stove is hot and that the pool can be dangerous. You have to set limits, boundaries, and rules. In other words, you need to worry productively. Guide them, but try to keep your own fears about your child being hurt to yourself. Warn them genuinely, but avoid making them feel that danger exists at every single fork in the road. There are unlimited benefits to being proactive about your children’s safety—so long as you keep things in perspective, stay watchful, and remember that some lessons, they have to learn on their own.
Perhaps an important way of thinking about your child’s safety is this: In the book The Heart of Man, Dr. Erich Fromm researched the outcome of a child whose mother was a victim of chronic worrying. In his book, he outlines that while the mother doesn’t harm the child in any obvious way, she does slowly drain the joy from her child’s life. Consider for a moment that the literal meaning of the word “worry” is to strangle and choke. His research concluded that children who grow up “smothered by unwarranted fears” are haunted into adulthood. He ends the book by noting that while “everybody dies,” not everybody truly lives.
Worrying about your child’s safety is natural. No one will worry about your child the same way you do. The world, once safe and happy, can seem bleak and dangerous when you have to trust this same world to host your child. However, if you worry too much, try to get a handle on your fears before passing them unnecessarily on to your children. Statistically speaking, while things do happen to children, your children have a 99% chance of outliving you—meaning your worst fears are unlikely to come to fruition. While this doesn’t mean you should be lax, it does offer a reason to relax.
