Think back to your wedding day and try to remember what you were thinking and feeling. What were your expectations then? What did you think your life would be like after the ‘I Do’s‘ were said? Did you ever imagine your life would be the way it is today? Are you disappointed, or are you glad you made the choice you did when it comes to your life partner?
Whether five or fifteen years have passed since that fateful day of holy matrimony, it’s interesting to ask yourself whether or not you would remarry your spouse. Now that you know everything about them, have witnessed all their dirty little habits, and seen their idiosyncrasies and shortcomings for what they are, would you make the same decision today that you did back then? Is your spouse really Mr. or Mrs. Right for you? And really, is there such a thing?
Is Divorce Always the Answer?
Statistics show that many people in this world have followed in Marie Osmond’s footsteps (she remarried her spouse 26 years after their divorce) and decided that, maybe just maybe, in the sea of single fish, their ex was the best. Today, around 67% of all marriages end in divorce within the first 15 years (most in the first 7). Of these people who have decided that enough is enough, around 15% end up remarrying their spouse. This seems to contradict the idea that an ex is an ex for a reason, and also suggests that we often don’t realize how good we have things until we experience the other side of the fence.
Honestly, the question is hard to answer. Most couples find that troubles in their marriage ebb and flow like the tides. As both people grow and life experiences occur, couples transition in and out of love. During the times when you completely dislike everything about your spouse, the answer to whether you would ever remarry them is an easy NO. Yet, when things are rolling along smoothly, you would likely not think twice about remarrying this person (who leaves their underwear on the floor) should the opportunity arise.
Ironically, the most interesting part of this question is this: With so many people remarrying their spouses, you have to wonder how permanent the problems in your marriage really are. You also have to consider that, perhaps most of the time, divorce or separation is about fleeting anger rather than the bigger issues in the marriage. Sure, no spouse is perfect, and no marriage is without flaws. But in two people who truly love one another and who respect the institution of marriage, compromise and compassion are continually flowing through the relationship. Then suddenly, something like infidelity arises, and the marriage dissolves. Years later, as the anger and hurt fade, love can float back to the surface.
If you would remarry your spouse, chances are your marriage is amicable. The two of you have found a great place between friends and lovers where you are comfortable. You are likely able to overlook a lot of the small stuff that goes on and feel good about your choices. Chances are, you also knew what you wanted when you got married and found a partner with the same future plans and desires as you.
On the other hand, if you now wonder why you married your spouse at all, and would NEVER consider remarrying them if given the chance, you might still be figuring out the relationship. Most married people find themselves very disappointed in the beginning of their marriage and have trouble facing their own disappointment and reduced expectations. If you would not remarry your spouse, knowing what you know now, it’s a great time to reflect inwardly and outwardly on what is going right and wrong in the marriage. The sheer fact that you would not make the same decision again means that the two of you have some work to do. You likely need to rearrange your thinking about what marriage should be and reconnect with the things you love about your spouse. Being honest, open, speaking your mind, and being willing to make changes in the marital dynamic may be the best way to improve your marriage before you too become a divorce statistic.
Even so, every year, people remarry their spouses after divorce. This seems to prove that the adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is definitely true. Too often, in the midst of our lives, we fail to see the things that make us happy, forget about feeling grateful, and disconnect from the reasons we chose our partner in the first place. Make yourself a list of all the things you love about your mate. Spend a few hours strolling down memory lane and reconnecting with all the things you loved about them the day you married them. You just might find that the answer to your marital problems and unhappiness can be found in your memory.
Above all, if you are already divorced and are considering remarrying your spouse, think things through clearly. It is very important to restart the marriage with a clean slate and to fully heal from the hurts and wounds of the past, lest they disrupt your future. You might want to consider couples therapy to ensure that the two of you are truly ready to walk down the aisle again. Be candid with your ex and yourself about what will and won’t be tolerated in your marriage the second time around.
