Ask anyone who has passed the 5, 10, or 20-year mark in a marriage, and they will tell you that they often feel like they are married to a stranger. You know the feeling. Years ago, your spouse would open the door for you, fix you a drink, sit next to you on the couch, and stay up late laughing with you at the Late Show. Today, the two of you barely speak—and seem completely uninterested in pleasing one another. Some of the things that made you fall in love in the first place are simply gone, or at least have disappeared. It may seem as if they’ve changed so much that you don’t even recognize them as the person you married.
If you find yourself saying, “You are NOT the person I married,” to your spouse, take heart—you are not alone. One of the key things that few people prepare for, under the blanket of ideals and fairy tales that often surround marriage, is that people change over time. Even people you love change. Your own parents have changed, your friends have changed, and your children change every day. And so does your spouse. Very few things in life stay exactly the same.
Relationship experts see this scenario over and over again: a couple sitting in the office, arguing about how much they’ve changed over the past three years. The couple is full of phrases that start with, “She used to do this,” or “He used to do that.” Yet, psychologists believe that while many people change their behaviors during marriage, much of the frustration comes from a letdown due to the high expectations of marriage combined with complacency (or comfort) felt by the individuals in the relationship. In other words, these new, mysterious characteristics that are seemingly popping up are really your partner’s “true colors” showing through. There’s less of the feeling that they have to “impress” or “thrill” one another because they already “won” the prize. Over time, other emotions that replace the frenzied phase of love that brought the two of you together begin to surface, which can take the inertia and excitement out of marriage. For nearly all of us who are married, this transformation—from the newlywed phase to the “old married couple”—can be a bit of a letdown.
‘You are NOT the Person I Married’—Key Reasons People Change in a Marriage
It’s important for married people to realize that changes in behavior, whether due to complacency or other factors, aren’t the end of the world. In fact, sometimes, the changes in your partner can be welcome and feel very comfortable. The trick to keeping nearly any marriage (or relationship) alive is showing mutual respect and love as often as possible.
- Taking One Another for Granted: There are many reasons that people change. If your husband made you a latte every single day of the year and suddenly stops, you might wonder why. He, on the other hand, might be tired of doing this simple gesture to show his love for you without so much as a thank you or a kiss on the cheek. Sure, making someone a cup of coffee is a small thing, but when a spouse begins to take these little gestures for granted and doesn’t show the inclination to reciprocate, the partner can feel taken advantage of and become resentful.
- Complacency: At home, you should be free to be yourself. If this means you want to lounge on the couch in your nightgown all day without brushing your teeth, so be it. Perhaps your partner burps or doesn’t use the best manners at home. Married people become very comfortable with one another, and sometimes they forget that this “comfortable” state is what their partner sees on a constant basis. They may miss the fun, engaging, more charming version of you they remember from the early days of the relationship. This sense of personal complacency can play a role in many areas of a marriage, from sex drive to simply enjoying time together.
- Reality Sets In: Planning a wedding is easy. Having kids is easy. But when the reality of marriage and family sets in, life changes completely, and these changes can be a hard transition for a couple. Bills to pay, mouths to feed, things to do, jobs to work, and family to keep in touch with—just a few of the marital responsibilities that can change a relationship.
- Boredom: Many couples get so set in a routine that boredom sets in. Then, they’re stuck in a rut, and neither person can drag the other out. It’s natural for marriage to get boring and for things to feel redundant over time. When you begin to feel this way, it’s important to step out of your metaphorically comfortable box and mix things up a bit. Go out on a date. Do something different.
It’s also very important to remember to tell one another just how much you love each other, and to continue reminding one another how special you are. Remember why you got married in the first place, and try to do small, simple things to keep the love alive. You might be surprised at how much staying in touch with your “relationship roots” does for keeping the two of you in love.
If you are patient and work hard, you might find that while your spouse isn’t exactly the person you married, they are now an even better version of themselves!
