Bill Cosby is known for many things, but one aspect of his legacy is often overlooked: an incredibly honest and helpful quote that addresses a problem far too many people face. He once said, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to FAILURE is trying to please everybody!” He couldn’t have been more accurate.
For many people—especially women—pleasing everyone in their intimate circle of friends and family can become a favorite pastime. However, the more you try to make others happy, the more you go out of your way to keep everyone satisfied, the less happy you will be. Plus, you can’t please everyone all the time. Trying to do so would be like taking your family to a large buffet every night for dinner, just to make sure everyone—kids, spouse, neighbors—gets something they like. Not only is it cheaper to serve one meal at home, but it’s also more economical. Ultimately, that will make you happier. You wouldn’t go out to a buffet just to please others, so why are you trying to do so in every other part of your life?
The Downside of People-Pleasing
The biggest reason why being a people pleaser is a bad idea (aside from its impossibility) is that it eventually leads to you giving up your own ideals of happiness and success. When you use all your energy trying to make sure the kids, spouse, boss, and even the teacher at your child’s school are happy, you leave out the most important person in the equation: YOU. Eventually, you will feel resentful and lost, losing sight of the things in your life that actually make you happy. If you look for happiness outside of yourself, or hope others will give it to you, you won’t find it. Happiness comes from within. While others can add to it—or take away from it—they cannot make you happy. Only you can do that, which is why it’s so important to focus on pleasing yourself first.
Sure, it feels good to do nice things for others. Pleasing yourself first doesn’t mean you have to act as if you’re the only one who matters. It simply means that, in your desire to make others happy, you stay true to your own happiness. This might mean turning down the opportunity to be the PTO president, or not letting your child attend a birthday party on a day you already have plans. It might involve putting up with a whiny child at the dinner table because family dinner is important to you. You might need to tell your boss that you can’t take on extra work, or even turn down sex with your partner because you’re tired. And yes, in some cases, others might be upset. That’s perfectly okay.
The key is to balance your needs, wants, emotions, and feelings with those of others in your life. If your focus is constantly on others, you’ll become overwhelmed by stress and anxiety, which will steal away your personal peace. Plus, the more you give to others, the more they will expect from you. Eventually, you’ll become drained, and others may start taking advantage of your willingness to please.
There are far worse things in life than having someone angry at you. One of them is losing yourself.
One reason so many people spend their time trying to please others is that they’ve misunderstood some key life lessons. Many people think that selfish and selfless are synonyms when they are, in fact, quite different. People are also often taught to treat others as they would like to be treated. But this doesn’t mean being a doormat for others. It also doesn’t mean that your needs are any less important. No matter what, you’ll find that pleasing everyone is an impossible task. There’s no way to make everyone happy and still keep yourself happy in the process.
The best advice for a people pleaser is to take control of what you say and do for others. Start taking inventory. Ask yourself if you’re trying to please others because you want approval, or because it’s truly the best thing for you. Chances are, the first scenario will be true. Most people who seek to please others are simply looking for a way to feel connected, make friends, and maintain peace in their relationships. Many of these people, who feel guilty for admitting they don’t have time to participate in the bake sale, will ultimately find that they aren’t happy with their own lives.
Are you a people pleaser? If so, be honest with yourself and take a step back to assess how often your efforts to please others compromise your own happiness. Is it worth it? The impossibility of making everyone happy should be enough reason to realize that prioritizing your own happiness should be your most important task.
