You just had an argument with your spouse, and they (or you) ended the conversation with the age-old verbal jab: “You’re JUST like your mother!” Or, perhaps a relative or friend sees you do something quirky and immediately attributes your behavior to your mother’s DNA. When someone tells you that you’re just like your mother, should you be offended? Is it supposed to be an insult? And why does it bother you when someone says it?
For many adults, especially women, the adult years offer an opportunity to be the exact opposite of our parents. In our relationships and as parents, we often make decisions based on the idea that we should do the exact opposite of what our own mothers did. In fact, trying to be anything but your mom can become the ultimate goal. However, the realization eventually hits you like a freight train: despite your best efforts to distance yourself from your mom’s way of doing things, you’ve picked up some of her behaviors. Is that really such a bad thing? After all, YOU are still alive, so obviously, your mom did something right, right?
Understanding the Impact of Our Mothers
If people use your mother as an insult, chances are you’ve had a tricky relationship with the woman who gave you life and have confided your feelings to your spouse. In this case, the comparison is likely meant to ruffle your feathers and make you stop doing whatever it is you’re doing. In other words, your spouse might be using the comparison as a little trick to upset you and throw you off course! If it works, then the real problem may lie within you.
The reality for everyone—regardless of the relationship they had with their mother—is that the formative years under her care significantly shape your life. If your mother was awful, didn’t take care of you, or made you seek counseling as a teen, you probably don’t want to be anything like her. But this doesn’t mean you don’t have her eyes, or her temper. And just because someone refers to you and your mom being alike, it doesn’t have to feel like the end of the world. Perhaps your mother made some bad decisions, but this doesn’t mean you’ve made the same ones. In fact, you might be a better mom and partner because of the lessons your mother taught you. So, when someone tells you that you’re just like your mother, it should be seen as nothing more than a rueful comment from someone else.
Additionally, being like your mom is never entirely a bad thing. If you let go of the preconceived notion that our mothers are a negative force in our lives, you may find that even in the worst of situations, your mom taught you some valuable lessons. As you grow older and have kids of your own, you gain the opportunity to understand why your mom acted the way she did. This can help you forgive her for some of the things that caused you pain. If you can find it in yourself to forgive and let go of past grievances, you won’t take it so hard when someone compares you to your mother.
If you had a great relationship with your mom growing up, then there’s no reason to feel ashamed or offended when someone compares you to her. In fact, you might want to say “thank you” when someone makes the reference. Many people in this world aspire to be like their mothers and hope to parent and love as well as she did. In this case, take the comparison as a compliment. There’s no reason to be offended.
When it comes to our lives, there are far too many clichés surrounding the role of the mother. Whether your mom was awesome or awful, she played an important part in shaping who you’ve become. Her approach to raising you, in many ways, helped mold you into who you are today. Certainly, your mother wasn’t perfect—but there’s no reason for anyone to feel ashamed of their mom. By the time you’re an adult, you’ve earned the right to come to terms with your past and to allow yourself to be the kind of mother and person you want to be, in spite of what your mom did or didn’t do. You should also have developed a sense of self-confidence, along with the refusal to be belittled by disrespectful comments regarding your family. Ultimately, when it comes to our families, it is not for our current partners, relatives, or friends to judge.
3 Responses
I loved this I’ve confided in two previous partners about how my mother was growing up but they only threw it in my face during an argument. I never felt it was ok but I’m grateful to find this article.
I know how you probably felt. I’m not dating this guy, but he did try and use it against me to make me feel bad about myself. He didn’t win!
Thank you this was helpful insight.