Around the age of two (sometimes earlier), something strange begins to quickly develop in your children. That “something” comes in the form of a surprising wave of willfulness and stubbornness that rapidly becomes part of their personality. Suddenly, your toddler—who would happily do anything you ask in order to be praised—becomes obstinate, saying “NO!” and throwing themselves into tantrums just to avoid doing what they’re told. Unfortunately, this phase only worsens as they get older—kids become even more willful and defiant. Even well-behaved kids will, at some point, blurt out, “You are NOT the boss of me!” to a parent who simply wants them to clean their room or eat their peas. And the first time you hear those words is the exact moment when you need to take the bull by the horns and show your children who is the boss!
Establishing Authority: The Parent-Child Relationship
This brings up an important question: who is the boss in the parent-child relationship? A whole new breed of parenting advice suggests that parents and children should be equals in the home. Everyone talks about giving children a “voice” and allowing them to make decisions for themselves. Many parenting books and experts emphasize respecting children so they feel their thoughts, feelings, and ideas matter. Assertive parenting is on the decline, as parents fear their rules and boundaries—if too harsh—might land their child in counseling as an adult. Even worse, with more and more kids coming from two-working-parent households, there’s a lot of parental guilt, which often leads parents to make excuses for their child’s behavior.
In other words, the days of The Andy Griffith Show, where Andy would tell his son one thing—and his son would do it without question—are long gone.
The reality is that parents do need to establish themselves as authority figures in the home. This isn’t to downplay the fact that children’s opinions and feelings matter. However, you must remember how quickly children learn to manipulate power struggles when they sense they can win. Giving too much, allowing too much, saying yes too much, and being afraid to assert your authority only leads to a laundry list of kid drama.
Children need boundaries. Imagine a schoolhouse where the kids ruled the roost! Moreover, children are not mature enough to make important decisions on their own. Parents are in the household to act as leaders—leaders make decisions, sometimes give orders, and essentially act as the boss so that those under their authority stay in line. When the pecking order is reversed, and parents allow kids to make all the decisions in the household, things can quickly spiral out of control. Worse, the older kids get, the more trouble they will get into, and the harder it will be for parents to reassert their authority.
In the grand scope of things, kids should KNOW their parents are the boss. Sure, they might try the “You’re not the boss of me” comment at some point, especially when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do—or because you’ve said no. But this is exactly when parents need to step in and show them just how wrong they are.
This process of establishing a family pecking order, with mom and dad at the top, needs to start early in life. During the transition from babyhood (which is easy) to toddlerhood—when tantrums and power struggles often begin—parents need to learn that they won’t always make their child happy. They also need to learn to shrug off tantrums and manipulative behavior, and ignore entitled actions. This helps ensure that their children grow up knowing they cannot surpass mom and dad in the “who’s in charge” department.
That said, it’s certainly important to give your kids an opportunity to voice their opinions. It’s also thoughtful to gather their input, discuss what they want to do, and listen to their reasons for resisting certain tasks. But, at the end of the day, it’s the parent’s responsibility to act in the best interest of the child.
You can probably remember back to your own childhood and think of a decision your parents made—or a time they told you “NO”—that left you resentful and furious. But now, as an adult, you can likely see that their good judgment spared you from many mistakes and mishaps. Many teens who get into the most trouble come from households that prioritize “equality”—where teens are left to make decisions that their developing brains aren’t prepared for. If a parent feels that saying “NO” is necessary, then a child must accept it. If a parent asks a child to do something, even if they’re not happy about it, they should be raised to follow directions. After all, if they can do it in school or around strangers, they should be able to do the same at home. If they can’t, the problem lies with YOU, not your child.
