There is so much unknown; the future is unclear. Our lack of control in all this is scary—will we be safe going back to work, gathering with family and friends, tending to the business of our lives? When or where will there be more surges of this virus? Will we or our loved ones get sick, be hospitalized, or even die?   It is natural to be feeling anxiety and fear.

Here are some suggestions for coming into a healthy relationship with fear so that we can respond to life as it is unfolding now, rather than just react to it:

When you are faced with fear of the unknown, notice how your mind tries to regain control through thoughts and stories about the future.  These thoughts, scenarios and stories create more fear as you obsess about what the future may bring; that results in the release of stress hormones. The reality is that you don’t know what the future will bring—that’s especially evident right now. How could we have imagined our world totally shutting down as it has in the past few months? It will never work to try to think our way out of fear.

Instead of letting fear run rampant in your mind, turn your attention within—into your body. When you pay attention to the sensations and feelings that your body is processing in this moment, it is impossible for your thoughts to race into future stories that only generate more anxiety and fear.  Notice if there is a particular feeling or sensation that is getting activated in your body—perhaps grief over a loss you are experiencing due to this pandemic, perhaps a tightening of your chest that feels like fear, perhaps a sense of sadness deep in your belly. The body doesn’t lie. Life is flowing through you in this moment. Can you give it your full attention– just for a few moments, in small doses. Take a breath. You will find that you can meet whatever is arising within you (yes, the fear too!) and respond with resilience to the next moment. We have incredible resources for healing within us if we flow with life, rather than resisting it.

When your nervous system is getting overloaded with too much information, consider turning off the news. These days our nervous systems can easily become overloaded with information—particularly from the news. You need information so you know what to do to stay safe with this pandemic but you do not need to be assaulted with disastrous, heart-rending stories day after day. When you overload your nervous system, you can end up with panic attacks, overwhelming anxiety, nightmares, and/or insomnia. Pay attention to how much your nervous system can handle—if you are starting to feel that it is on overload (reacting with a short fuse, feeling on edge, unable to relax, feeling overwhelmed by fear), take a break from the news. When several of my clients recently started to feel overly anxious and fearful, they committed to turning off all news for a period of time. They were amazed at how quickly their bodies relaxed, restorative sleep was restored, the nightmares stopped, and the intense anxiety and fear retreated.

An effective antidote to fear is to open your heart. You can reach out to friends and family to express your caring for them, you can close your eyes and send compassion to those in the world who are suffering, you can gently hold yourself with kindness when you are feeling fearful. Even though the survival instinct (that instigates much of our fear) is very strong in this time of pandemic, you can consciously choose compassion instead of getting lost in the fear. You can choose to expand in your heart, rather than contract in fear. In response, your body relaxes. You feel more at peace. You will feel more empowered knowing that you can help alleviate some of the suffering in the world.

As we face all the unknowns of living in this pandemic, we’re challenged to embrace our fears, insecurities, doubts, inner struggles—our full humanity– with compassion. It’s a process of learning to welcome everything that arises and healing whatever keeps us from responding with resilience to life in this moment. We can then truly celebrate being alive in this body, connected with all of humanity, and walking lighter on this Earth.

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Grieving is an intensely emotional and unstable process in a marriage. As one or both partners grieve a loss, couples tend to downplay the extent of the stress it places on their partnership. They might not even recognize that escalation of fights or tension has its underlying source in grief. Marriages can expect to go through a period of turbulence.

If a marriage or partnership is to survive this difficult time, communication is critical. Many couples find that, at the very time they most need to, they are unable to talk with one another in a meaningful and supportive way. With so much at stake, partners tend to hide their vulnerability and needs, mask their anger, and avoid discussion of sensitive issues. Unexpressed feelings then find expression in distorted ways—for example, in explosions of anger, repetitious arguments, and sarcastic and belittling comments.

After the death of a loved one, partners are more likely to take marriage much more seriously. They realize in a concrete way that time is limited, life is precious, and love is more important than anything else. This awareness can inspire partners to work on their communication in order to heal the patterns that might have created distance instead of connection and intimacy.

James and Cecile both lost their fathers suddenly to heart attacks, Cecile’s two years before James’s. As is often the case, the first death was the most difficult for their marriage, because James did not really understand what Cecile was going through. With the second death, their shared experience of loss drew them closer and helped them resolve earlier misunderstandings and hurt.

In the devastating loss of a parent, James and Cecile both appreciated the fact that the companionship and support of a partner are priceless. They each expressed faith in their partner’s ability to come through for them in the future. With this new understanding, many people have set out to challenge the conditioning that holds them back from the loving and supportive relationships that they want and deserve.

Here are eight suggestions for grieving partners:

1. Remind each other that grief creates considerable stress in your partnership/marriage. Escalation of fights and tension is common.
2. If you are the non-grieving partner, educate yourself about what your grieving partner is going through: talk to others about grief, read books, listen to podcasts to learn whatever you can about the nature and timing of grief. Understand that people grieve in different ways.
3. Actively communicate with one another. Set aside specific times to talk, exploring how you are supporting one another, what you need from one another (the nongrieving partner has needs too!), and how grief is affecting the relationship.
4. Take time for yourself, without feeling guilty for withdrawing. You need solitary time for reflection and healing.
5. Look at the issues that surface in your marriage—resentments, walls between you, compromises, unhealthy conditioned responses. Consider couples therapy for healing unresolved issues.
6. Review from time to time the daily losses your relationship has encountered. Have these losses been acknowledged, grieved and integrated into the marriage? Some losses may need additional healing—perhaps a miscarriage or infidelity. You may want to draw a loss timeline (p.16-19, Honoring Grief) to get an overall perspective of the presence of loss in your relationship.
7. Use grief as an opportunity to be more vulnerable and open with one another. Grief opens hearts.
8. Acknowledge that grief will change you and your relationship. Explore new visions and possibilities for a more meaningful and loving life together.

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Grief is one of the most humbling and challenging experiences we go through as human beings. It is also one of the most transformative. Grief changes us; we are no longer the people we were before that loss. We see through new eyes. Since grief works so deeply and slowly within our psyches, we often need inspiration to stay with the process of healing.

When we stay with this process for as long as it takes to heal, we tap deep resources from within that enable us to emerge from that dark night of grief with more expansion, courage, connection, and empowerment than we ever could have imagined.

In healing my own grief and working with grieving clients, I’ve observed four important qualities that grief activates in us, qualities that are actually the gifts of grief. Whenever you need a boost of inspiration to keep you going on your healing journey, you may want to refer back to these qualities—they might be showing up very subtly at first. Gradually you’ll start to see them take root in your life. That’s when you realize you’ve been transformed through grief.

Here are four gifts that grief often provides:

1. Expansion Grief expands us. In early stages it opens us inward to new depths and later opens us outward to new vistas. We may start the grieving process by contracting, pulling our energy deep inside (like the trees in winter), but as we heal we start to realize how much more there is to life, that we have been living a limited portion of all the possibilities inherent in this magnificent and mysterious universe.

2. Courage It takes tremendous courage to face our grief, to turn toward it and embrace the full experience of devastating loss. Grief brings us to our knees. Most of my clients are at first intimidated by the power of grief but find that they can grieve without feeling overwhelmed. This takes courage and it builds confidence– confidence in our capacity to embrace the exquisite beauty and sorrow of being fully alive.

3. Connection Grief can be a profoundly lonely time. It is a common experience for friends and colleagues not to show up and give us the support we need. Indeed grief rewrites our address books. However our grief can open the way for new connections—deeper, richer relationships with people who understand what we are going through and who support us by being fully present, without trying to fix us.

4. Empowerment As grief shakes up our lives, it forces us to reevaluate what’s really important in life. Grief then calls on us to recreate our lives in a way that incorporates these new perspectives and values. From this new foundation, energy begins to return and we feel empowered to act.

As you tap into deep inner resources in your journey through grief, you gain access to the strength, vision and purpose to make a difference with your life. That empowers you. A few years after the devastating death of her young son, one of my clients shared with me that she now knew her purpose in life. With her face aglow, she announced: “My purpose is to experience compassion, no matter where I am.”

When she walks down a street, she looks at everyone with compassion—she recognizes that all these people have experienced loss and grief in their own ways. Her grief has empowered her to move through life with compassion in her heart.

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