The ocean is a majestic place. It is both beautiful and powerful, holding stunning colors and ancient secrets underneath its glassy surface. However, it’s also home to terrors such as sharks, where that beauty and power can turn deadly in a flash. When we swim in it, we are warned about the “undertow” which is very strong. It’s a current just below the surface which can pull us out into deep waters away from the safety of the shore without warning. Much like life.

What do we do when that happens? As an ocean swimmer, we can learn to prepare for the undertow and understand the mechanics of how to move in sync with the ocean to return to safer water. The process of surviving a physical undertow out in the ocean and a spiritual or emotional one is the same. The deep waters of our fragile, sensitive hearts can feel just as threatening at times where solid ground feels miles and miles away.

When life pulls us in an unexpected direction, that pain can threaten to swallow us up entirely. Even after the trauma has passed, it can be difficult to feel surefooted again if our trust in ourselves or the universe has been broken. In order to support ourselves in moving through a dark period with as much strength, peace, and trust as we can muster, there are a few important things to remember.

3 steps to survive an emotional undertow:

1. Stay calm. Sometimes easier said than done, I know, but panicking will only disorient and confuse you. Try to stay calm so that you can see where you are in relationship to the shore. Don’t panic and don’t struggle. This doesn’t mean bypass your feelings – but it does mean building the awareness in a heightened state of pain or trauma to put survival and strategy at the forefront for a moment, then allowing yourself the proper time and space to honor those feelings when it won’t create more damage to do so.

2. Swim parallel to the shore until you don’t feel the pull. In the ocean, they say not to try to swim directly back to shore as you will tire yourself out. If you do get tired, float. When you feel you are no longer being pulled, then swim diagonally back to the shore. In life, this is a wonderful reminder to work in flow with the hand you’ve been dealt, even when it feels like a hand you really don’t want to deal with. Moving away from the situation in a parallel motion means confronting what needs to be addressed, having the tough conversations, doing the inner work, taking care of the practical points that must be focused on (such as after a loved one passes away), and not running away directly. But when you feel too tired, don’t fight it. Take a breather, lie back and float for a bit.

3. Call out for help. Staying calm and going with the pull will allow you to reserve your strength and not resist the process. Those two tasks are your only job in successfully navigating this process and doing “all you can do”. However, this last reminder is your flare gun, and its importance should not be underestimated. We can’t do everything by ourselves all the time as it is. But when tough times surface? We need to be able to lean on the support system around us for help. Whether it’s pride or low self-worth that seemingly push our flailing arms below water where no one can see, sometimes the best way out of an undertow is to ask for help. As the Borg says, “Resistance is futile.”

Eventually, time works its magic, and the intense sting and disorienting fog of a painful period will ease up. But the lasting effects (both positive and negative) are often a reflection of how we supported ourselves through the worst of it. We don’t need to navigate an undertow perfectly, we just need to do our best to keep swimming through it even when our arms grow weak and panic sets in. Remember, you’re so much stronger than your mind gives you credit for.

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Understandably, we get very comfortable with what we know. It could be a relationship, a job, a move, our weight, hair style, etc. When we grow settled for years within a certain lifestyle and state of being, leaving the safety of that behind for the unfamiliar can feel threatening to our sense of self. On a biological level, our brains are naturally hardwired to resist change and to seek safety and stability in order to survive.

However, we also understand that change is both beneficial and necessary in order to grow and evolve. So why do we resist it? When we are afraid of losing something we value, we will perceive “the pain of loss as greater than the power of gain” (David Gleicher). Even those of us who don’t identify as full-on control freaks in one shape or another, instinctually fear a loss of control. Acknowledging and understanding this about ourselves is a critical first step. We get nowhere fast by criticizing or judging ourselves for doing something “wrong” when this fear arises.

There is also a very real fear that if we change, we will let others down. Just because we choose to embrace change and expand beyond our current reality, doesn’t mean those around us will always do the same, nor does it mean it won’t trigger their own fears and resistance to change. While many of us can get attached to the fear of not living up to the dreams our loved ones hold for our lives, it’s not worth the self-betrayal and eventual sabotage that can surface when we resist change to keep others happy.

Here are two reminders to help you embrace change and overcome your fear:

1. Ask yourself if you are happy without making a change, do you feel fulfilled and satisfied by the status quo? Sometimes we think we should make a change because of the opinions of others, where in fact, we are genuinely happy with how things are. Look into the future and picture yourself a year from now.Where will you be if you don’t make this change, where will you be if you do? Can you pinpoint the different feelings in your body when you imagine those two scenarios? Which feels more authentically exciting or right for you at this point in your life? Can you distinguish if it is fear stopping you or is it a knowing that this just isn’t for you?
2. Reflect on the last time you made a big change. How did things work out for you? Accept the fact that you feel unsure about what lies ahead and that it is perfectly natural to resist change. Thank your fear for doing its job to keep you safe, but remember your intuition and your mind are there to help you overcome this fear, lean into change, and make a plan that is both strategic and flexible. Remember, this is your life and it will go by all too quickly. Stop worrying about what other people will think about you if you make the change you desire. In reality, they likely won’t even think about it for longer than a few minutes. Don’t let passing noise in people’s mind about you control your life.Change means you are growing. Even if you have to make a change that you aren’t too pleased about, it will help you grow. Step out and be bold! Change is a gift that allows you to transform parts of your life into a clearer reflection of who you are, to shift the parts that aren’t working into something more positive feeling. It may take time, hard work, patience and trust, but you will be made better for it. You have survived times of change before in your life and you will survive any change that comes your way.

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