Sometimes these experiences can leave us feeling weary and pessimistic, validating our negative beliefs about dating and even worse, about ourselves.

However, our transformation lies in our power to use our past experiences as guideposts to move forward in the dating world.  By understanding what we learned from the past, we grow to be wiser, better versions of ourselves.

Here are five steps on how to transform your past experiences. Spiritual teacher Ram Das called this kind of inner reflection “grist for the mill” — the alchemy that happens when every experience matters and is utilized for personal growth. Imagine approaching all of your dating and past relationships in this light.

1. Make a thorough list of the gifts and lessons for each past significant dating relationship.

Every relationship offers a gift, even if it involved betrayal, hurt and anger.  Ask yourself what you learned and how you changed with each particular dating experience.

Example: Jon – taught me about my power to get out of a bad situation and voice my feelings and needs.

2. After you have clarified the lessons from each relationship, write a “thank you” note in your journal to each significant person from the past.

By “wrapping” experiences with gratitude, there is a freedom to move forward.

Example: “Dear Jon, I realize that you were exactly what I needed at that time in my life when we were together to show me that I deserve more love than what you were able to bring to me.  I thank you for being exactly as you were with me to help me wake up to my sense of worthiness. You were my turning point and for this, I am grateful.”

3. Write down what is now “Unacceptable” to you as well as what are the “Essentials” in dating.

As we gather information from our experiences, it becomes clearer what is “Unacceptable” and what is essential in the qualities of people we choose to spend time with. By naming it, we have guidelines for our future dating experience.

Example: Unacceptable – rage outbursts.  Essentials: Ability to deal with conflict

4. Write a permission-giving list for what you want to experience in your dating life. Examples: fun, sensuality, laughter, dancing, eroticism, boundaries, directness, eye contact, affection.

5. Visualize yourself living into your permission-giving list with another person. Be aware of the sensations in your body as you visualize your life blossoming.

By visualizing yourself enjoying the experience of dating and being in relationships, you bring it into the present moment. By imagining the experience of yourself that you want to have, you are now not just thinking about it but rather, your physiological state receives the benefits by the act of seeing and feeling into the experience as if it is truly happening right now. The more detail you can allow in your visualization, the deeper you will cultivate a sense of well-being and empowerment.

Take your time with each step. As you do this inner work with each step, notice what changes inside of you and know that you are moving forward. Grist for the Mill!

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1. Give permission to each and every feeling as it arises.
2. Remember that no one grieves the same so do not compare your self to others.
3. Grief is not linear — Do not expect of yourself to feel better just because a certain amount of time has passed.
4. Give yourself time every day to just be in the grief — sob, or rage, look like your having a break down, or write a letter to your loved one.
5. Have a journal dedicated to conversations with your loved one who you are grieving. Write in it daily.
6. Learn to meditate so that you can witness the grief a bit more than just being it at all times.
7. Don’t allow your mind to beat you up with regrets or “what if’s”. Learn ways to re-direct your mind when it turns on you.
8. Create a structure for yourself that you can do regularly. Even if it’s just making sure your brush your teeth, eat and go for a walk. Structure will help your insides have a sense of organization during this very disorienting time.
9. Let others know that you are grieving and help them to help you. People who love you want to be there for you. They don’t always know the best ways to be with you when you are in so much pain. Let them know what feels best. Sometimes it is just someone holding your hand and saying nothing.
10. Allow yourself distraction. Your nervous system can’t handle intense grief every moment.
11. Be shameless in asking for professional help and support. Loss often calls for it!

Once loss occurs, it is woven into the fabric of your being.  It is not something you “overcome” or “work through. It is now part of you and it will become part of your living. Loss is a hole within that doesn’t go away. But the emptiness can be an experience of fullness as it is embraced. And with it comes an organic re-arranging and re-organizing. As you surrender to grief, life slowly grows back, through and around the hole, just like ivy vines wind their way through an opening in the bark of a tree. The hole is now part of who you are and is included in your sense of wholeness.  That is why the word hole makes up the word “whole!”

It can be freeing to know that all in time, you don’t have to get rid of the hole in order to feel whole again.

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How often do we feel stung by our partners and automatically we sting back? We get stuck in patterns of reaction and it becomes a vicious cycle that often seems too hard to break.  When we get hurt, disappointed or mad, the egos first instinct is to find justification for how the other person is wrong and to be blamed for our bad feelings — and then to punish by either withholding love or pointing out our partner’s faults and issues are. Aren’t we all such experts on how our partners sabotage the relationship?

The statement, “Be the partner you want your partner to be,” is actually a radical paradigm shift. It calls on deep commitment, conviction and mindfulness to shift the focus from how your partner shows up or doesn’t show up to how you show up or not.  It is an invitation to you to clarify your own values, principles and guidelines on the kind of a partner you want to be. It then challenges you to live into alignment with what you hold as true — not based on someone else’s ways, but rather, your own internal compass.

Do not go into a trance to believe this is an easy task.  We are wired for reactivity.  Being the partner you want your partner to be takes great diligence, discipline, pausing, breathing, checking in before acting, regulating your emotions, and being mindful of your non-verbal and verbal expressions.

But the work is worth it. To listen and honor your own guidance versus being reactive is the most empowering and enlightening way to live relationship. When we close our hearts to our partners, we shut down on our own internal experience of love. Said in another way, we cannot experience love if our hearts are shut down. Therefore, reacting negatively to our partners when we don’t like what they do or not do actually hurts ourselves.  These old defense mechanisms no longer serve us but they are thieves to what we actually want to be living.

Follow these steps for further help manifest The Turn Around:

1. Make a list on how you want your partner to show up for you — whether they currently are or aren’t.
2. Go through the list and take honest inventory by exploring if you show up in the ways you listed in the first question.
3. Write down your values and principles for what a good partner is in a beloved relationship. (You may refer to your own marriage or partnership vows).
4. Rate yourself honestly and discover your strengths and where you are falling short according to your own code of guidelines, not what someone else says you should or shouldn’t be doing.

Questions for your own Self-Inquiry:

1. When you are in conflict, do you let your partner know that they have a point when you can?
2. Do you give your partner at least three appreciations a day — and not about a good meal or how they look but truly about who they are?
3. Do you take care of and nurture yourself in ways so that you have energy to be present for and with your partner?
4. When you feel hurt by your partner, do you let him or her know in a respectful way that allows for bridging?
5. When things are rough and you are taking space from your partner, do you focus on how bad it is or do you turn your attention away from the argument and self-soothe and nurture so that you can re-group and have more resources to deal with the issue when you come back together?
6. Do you make efforts to do the next loving thing with your partner, not based on how you feel but rather your commitment to live in a loving relationship?

Once you clarify your own values, principles and guidelines for being the partner you want your partner to be, take time each night to reflect on how much you lived accordingly to your vision.  You are cultivating new ways and it takes effort and reflection to actually make it yours.  It’s okay if you blew it that day.  Every exchange is an opportunity to learn. There is always the next moment to do the next loving thing.

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By spending time with yourself before re-approaching your partner, you will feel more grounded and able to respond versus react. You will be more centered and able to articulate respectfully.

Here are the steps to take for your inner preparation before conflict resolution with your partner:

1. When you notice that escalation is taking place and your body sensations are shifting into the anger signals of fight, flight or freeze, ask for a “pause” and state to your partner that you would like to take a “time out” before going further, with the intention of coming back and continuing the conversation. If you can, give a time when you will check back in with him or her, even if that means that at that time, you re-negotiate for more time.
2. When you step away, do not keep going over the narrative in your head that fuels the anger. This is very important because if keep fanning the flames of the argument, your biochemistry won’t have a chance to readjust and you will stay in the fight/flight/freeze mode.
3. When you are alone with yourself, name the feeling you are having and the bottom line complaint. Then, notice what sensations you are feeling in your body?
4. Then, do a memory finder and ask yourself, “When have I felt this before?” Allow the movie of your life to play in your head and trace back to when you have experienced this before.
5. Once you tap into this information, do something self-soothing and physical to change how you feel inside. Take in some sunrays, listen to the birds, drink some water or pet your cat or dog. Or, jump up and down, do yoga, breathe deep, make sounds, go for a walk or run.
6. Once you have shifted, reflect back on the conflict with your partner. Name the behavior(s) of your partner that triggered these feelings.
7. Ask yourself if there were any boundaries that were overstepped in some way by your partner that you need to reinstate.
8. Reflect on your own behavior and notice if you were off the mark in any way that contributed to this conflict that you can own when you discuss this situation with your partner.
9. Take a little more time to restore your sense of balance with yourself, making sure you are anchored into being okay with yourself and not looking for that from your partner.
10. When you feel clearer with your thoughts, more spacious and less constricted, reflect on the qualities of your partner that you count on and value.
11. You might even take a moment to step into his or her shoes and glimpse into why your partner might have acted in the way that he or she did.

Now, you are ready to have a healthy discussion with your partner. Let him or her know that you are ready to bridge and contract for a time to talk that is good for both of you. Honor yourself for taking these inner steps that make a difference in both your relationship with your partner – and yourself!

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