If the last couple of years taught us anything, it’s that caring for ourselves is essential if we are to care for others. The pandemic also highlighted how difficult it is to care for ourselves when a crisis disrupts our routines, rituals, relationships, finances, and professional lives.

Since the inception of the global pandemic, people have struggled to maintain their mental and physical wellness. Look at these statistics from recent Pew Research studies:

• 89% of Americans have experienced at least one negative change in their lives because of the pandemic
• 28% of Americans say that the physical or mental health of themselves or the people they care about has degraded
• One-in-three women were likely to mention physical or mental health difficulties

The Pew Research Studies also note that many Americans are grieving the loss of loved ones and feeling the indirect health impacts, including financial stress, depression, and weight gain.

Self-Care is a Concept That Used to Annoy Me

Here is the truth: Figuring out how to take care of yourself is tricky when things are going well. Increased uncertainty, grief, and unforeseen stressors magnify the difficulty. So, it makes sense if you are struggling to care for yourselves in the wake of the current crises.

In full disclosure, self-care is a buzzy term that I haven’t always liked. Why? Because it wasn’t attainable for me. I routinely adopted other people’s self-care plans to address my spiritual, mental, and physical deficits. I failed to understand that effective self-care rituals require personalization. It took two cancer diagnoses and a divorce before I figured this out.

Five Steps to Create a Personalized Self-Care Equation

To create a self-care equation that meets each moment’s needs, one must be flexible, honest, and practical.

Step One: Be Flexible

Every day requires a different kind of self-care. The ways you care for yourself during a busy work week differ from the care needed during a time of grief. Accepting this truth is essential before evaluating your state and moving to create a care equation that meets your needs TODAY.

Step Two: Get Real

Applying someone’s else self-care ideals to your life doesn’t usually work. Your situation, disposition, and needs are unique. Ask yourself, “Where am I physically, mentally, and spiritually dehydrated?” Taking an inventory of the present moment will help you choose a self-care equation that is realistic and effective.

Step Three: Create

Once you get honest about where you are spiritually, emotionally, and physically, you can answer the question, “What can I do today to rehydrate?” Listen, the keyword in this question is ‘can.’ Sure, you might want to escape to a desert island or quit your job, but most likely, those options are not possible. Instead of ruminating on what can’t happen, consider what can happen. Can you take an extra 15 mins for lunch, delegate one task or reach out to a friend for a 10 min chat? It might be the combination of a few small choices that add up to a self-care plan that targets your current physical, emotional or spiritual dehydration. Now, create the equation; and keep it simple.

Step Four: Commit

It’s time to commit. Take five minutes, review your schedule and make room for the action items in your equation. If you can’t find room on your schedule, go back to step three and create a more manageable equation. Don’t dwell on what you can’t do because that will zap your energy. Remember, small steps lead to significant change. You might find that enlisting an accountability partner is helpful to keep you on track.

Step Five: Celebrate

Whether you could complete the entire self-care plan or not, please make room to celebrate your effort and intention to take care of yourself. Many people, including me, find it easier to celebrate others’ success but never make room to indulge in the healing act of celebrating ourselves. You might say, “Vanessa, I don’t even know how to celebrate myself.” Well, you are in good company! There is no right way to celebrate your progress. Your first celebration could simply be saying to yourself, “You are so amazing for prioritizing yourself!”

Are you feeling more equipped to create a self-care equation?

I hope so. Remember, self-care that meets today’s needs is flexible, honest, and practical. The world needs more well-cared for individuals and caring for yourself equips you to care for others more effectively and efficiently, and it models a positive pattern of behavior for your family, friends, colleagues and community.

The post Create a Realistic Self-Care Plan appeared first on .

Are you surprised to know that love tops the list of Americans’ reasons to marry? Probably not. “About nine in ten Americans (88%) cited love as a fundamental reason to get married, ahead of making a lifelong commitment (81%) and companionship (76%), according to a Pew Research Center survey.”

Marriage is hard, so being in love is an excellent place to start the journey if you’re going to do it. But if most people get married for love, why does the divorce rate still hover around 50% for first-timers and even higher for second and third marriages?

The answer is complicated. But what I know for sure is that divorce sucks.

I’m divorced. The years of separation and estrangement leading to the disillusionment of my starter marriage were dense with suffering and disbelief. I never imagined that at 30 years old, I would be navigating cancer while also losing my best friend (a.k.a hubby #1). The compound grief of these crises skewed my view of life and love. For years I thought that I would never love again. I learned a lot from my first marriage but didn’t fully understand the upside of my divorce until well into my second marriage.

The best thing that happened to my current marriage was my first marriage.

The pain of losing my first love and the most valued relationship of my young adult life pushed me to create space for grace and forgiveness in my current relationship. I don’t take an intimate partnership for granted because I know that even when two people love each other, relationships can fracture, and people who once honored each other end up hurting each other. I don’t think that my current husband and I would have made the 10-year mark without our past relationship failures.

Here’s an inside look separated into three lessons we’ve learned over the years.

1. Bring Up the Past

Ok, before you pounce, hear me out. I am not advocating for rehashing old fights or stirring up past offenses. But when times get tough, it can be helpful to remember why you chose each other in the first place.

Reminiscing is a useful therapeutic tool that soothes the edges of grief and discomfort. When my husband irritates me, I must remember all the ‘right’ things he has said and done. When I focus on his strengths it is easier to address the present discomfort or pain with clarity and grace.

My husband and I like to have ‘remember when’ conversations. We remember past trips, meals, or moments and end up laughing out loud or smiling quietly inside. Life is uncertain and full of challenges. Having a solid recollection of the good memories will fortify you during seasons of suffering.

2. Make Room for Grief

Living is about saying goodbye to people, jobs, feelings, and experiences and then moving forward. Grief unites us. Everyone is constantly in some stage of grief. But everyone grieves differently. Making room for individual and collective grief is essential for a healthy partnership because grief needs room to breathe. When you don’t give yourself the time and space to grieve, you stunt your growth because the contained grief is suffocating.

3. Stay on the Same Page

This lesson is the most important. There will be times when you will end up on separate pages but you must strive to stay connected.

My husband and I are not the same people we were ten years ago. Cancer, infertility, miscarriage, early onset menopause, job loss, and countless other experiences have changed both of us. But to grow together through these crises, we had to stay connected to what matters. There had to be a few core beliefs, values, and non-negotiables to ground us and keep us in check to remain on the same page.

Whether it is finances, friendships, or faith, working to stay on the same page is vital. And yes, it takes work. We both come from different cultural backgrounds and do not share the same lived experiences. We disagree and debate all the time but ultimately come together. Why? Because we know that if we want to thrive, we must create a page big enough to accommodate the complexities of our past and our present. We understand that together we can write a beautiful story that makes room for joy, creates space for grace, and propels us toward our individual and collective purpose.

Relationships aren’t easy, and that’s ok because easy is overrated.

Cheers to you and cheers to my husband! He’s a keeper. Let these lessons inspire you to reimagine your current relationship or plan for a future one.

The post Finding The Upside of Divorce appeared first on .