So I did what people do when they get advice they don’t like. I ignored them.

If you’re reading this, my guess is you’re in a similar situation, eager to figure out what you don’t know you don’t know, and looking for a way to make it work.

Buckle up, buttercup. This is a wild ride.

1. He is divorced from his ex; you are getting married to her. Depending on the custody agreement, you’ll now have a third party in your marriage, who may have a voice in your life choices. In the early days of a marriage this can feel like a big leash on around our necks; and you’re dependent on the kindness of the person holding it.

If you want to go away for a couple weeks, you’ll have to ask her first, as that may have an impact on your custody arrangement. She may say yes or no, she may make a fuss because she can. Shared custody is built that way. She will be a large presence in your marriage.

2. Your husband has a child with another woman. This is an indelible, lifelong connection. They created a human being together. If the child has an emergency, and needs to go to the hospital, both parents will be there. When the child gets married, and for every holiday and birthday between now and then, there will be a conversation. Does the child want you to drop them off at college, or would they prefer just mom and dad? Who makes that decision? They are the birth parents, and you are a stepparent. You may grow into an important role for the child, or you may be sidelined.

3. You will need to come first in your relationship with your partner. When adults get divorced, they focus on the needs of their children, making sure they’re safe amidst the split. That’s good. But when a divorcee gets serious about a new partner, that partner’s needs have to come first. This is the key partnership in a family.

This can be difficult to wrap your head around, as children are vulnerable. However, no one wants the children also to go through another divorce, and putting your partner’s needs first is key for a healthy relationship. Children feel safety from the strength of the parents’ partnership. That’s the strength of the family, the roots that enable the growth of the family tree. That partnership needs nurturing and prioritization. Period.

4. You will feel disempowered by the situation, and need to find your strength elsewhere. There’s no baby shower when you become a stepmom. There’s no welcome wagon from the PTA when you move to town. Culturally, we don’t know what to do with stepmothers. We malign them, and we generally side with the birth mom.

Which means you need to shore up support for yourself. Find other stepmoms in your midst, and have a safe place where you can go when unfamiliar feelings and issues arise. You will feel pain, rage, sadness and maybe even joy. It will come, and you’ll need to connect with others who “get it”.

I am not going to tell you not to do it; I’m just going to throw some tools in your backpack so that you’ll be equipped.

If you chose to do this, and you make it through to the other side, you will become powerful and strong. You will need to dig through emotions you didn’t know you could have to find a strength, calm and power you didn’t know was there.

This challenge has the capacity to strengthen you and your marriage. Will you rise to the occasion?

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Therapists know it’s a notorious time for anxiety. Plus, if you’re sleeping with your smartphone, or watching media at the end of the night, let’s hope there are lots of positive images or else all that negativity stresses your conscious and subconscious and can sent you straight to nightmares (literally).

So, let’s flip that switch. Instead of stressing about life, or watching media, try this practice. It’s called “Three Good Things”.

• Review your day, from the moment you woke up until now, and think of something good that happened. Did you have lunch with an old friend? Did you stick to your new diet? Did someone give you their seat on the subway? Did you buy a meal for a homeless person? Did someone get a coffee for you, just because?

• Now, take a few minutes to really think about one of those good things. Let’s say it was a coworker that bought you a coffee. When they gave you the coffee, what did they say? What did you say? How did you feel? Did you give them a hug? What was the reason? How did the coffee taste? Were you hoping for one? How did you feel for the next 10-15 minutes as you sipped the coffee? Did this lead to a conversation with a coworker? Did you think about paying it forward to someone else tomorrow?

• By taking 3 to 5 minutes to sit in the moment, to relive it, your brain is able to experience the same happiness you felt at that moment. If you imagine yourself back in the situation (the more details the better), you literally re-live it in your brain.

• Feeling good? I hope so. Now repeat. You’ll find that thinking of a second good thing is even easier than the first – you’ve primed the pump. Continue to flesh out your memory, asking yourself detailed questions about how you felt and putting yourself back in the moment.

• Repeat one last time, for a total of 3 memories. Try to spend at least 5 minutes on each memory to maximize your brain’s ability to return to the scene of the sublime.

Aside from the straight-up joy you’ll be feeling, the good news is that this exercise, if completed every day for a week, has been proven to increase happiness immediately, as well as one week, one month,  three months and six months later, according to a 2005 study by Martin Seligman, founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

Sometimes, as I practice “Three Good Things”, I find myself dozing off to sleep as I relive these memories with a smile on my face. It sure beats making lists, scrolling through Facebook, planning the commute or some other stressful activity. And I sleep much better.

I’ve had clients who enjoy practicing this with their partner, as a way to recall and share the very best moments of their day. It can help bring couples closer together, especially after they start families and so much of their lives are focused on logistics. This simple act of focusing on what’s good makes life better.

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