When I met with Heidi, she told a different story. Yeah her parents had made her transfer, she said, but that part didn’t bother her so much because she knew she needed a different academic environment. And yeah she did complain about the school a lot, but not because she didn’t like it. Heidi said her problem was that she did like her new charter school, and wanted to stay there.

I asked Heidi how that was a problem. “The problem,” she pointed out, “is that I made such a big deal about how I wasn’t going to like it and wasn’t staying after the first semester. If I tell my parents now that I actually like the school and want to stay, they’ll think they won.”

“Won what?” I asked.

“They’ll think they won the whole ‘who was right’ and ‘who was wrong’ thing,” Heidi replied. “And then you know what? They’ll look at each other with a stupid smile and think, See? We knew she’d come around. And then they’ll use it as proof that—and mocking her mother’s voice, Heidi added— ‘We know you better than you know yourself!’  Ugh, I almost want to go back to my old school just so they won’t get that satisfaction.”

Lucky for Heidi that she had the inner resolve to stay committed to the school of her choice even though it probably meant having to watch her parents do their touchdown dance and tell her they knew all along she’d see it their way.

I’m not sure what parents think they’re accomplishing when they make a point to say “I told you so!” All it does is offend their son or daughter, and reveal a lack of sensitivity regarding how often kids are made to subjugate their emerging autonomy to the directives of parents, teachers, relatives, and others.

By choosing not to claim their daughter’s decision to stay at the charter school as their victory, however, and by emphasizing their excitement for her rather than taking credit for her “enlightenment,” Heidi’s parents would be allowing their daughter to save face instead of feeling as if she had lost a battle or given in. In doing so, they would be demonstrating a respect for her courage to acknowledge wanting something that her parents also wanted for her, something that for many other kids is a flat out deal breaker. They would receive in return Heidi’s appreciation, and her trust that they wouldn’t seek to exploit opportunities to show who’s boss.

The need to save face is human and normal but all too frequently—and unnecessarily—activated in our kids by the ways in which we, as adults, try to guide, instruct, care for and counsel them without taking into account the emotions upon which we trod. Kids who have to be right all the time will defend the most ridiculous point simply because for them, being right is better than being smart. Kids who have to be independent will reject a parent’s great idea for the sole reason that it wasn’t their own. “Solving a problem doesn’t count unless you solve it by yourself,” a sad, aloof, and lonely girl of thirteen years once confided in me.

There are times to help kids develop an awareness of how their need to be right all the time or to avoid relying on others is hurting them. But there are also times when the best thing we can do with our kids is to stop talking so much, and stop making so many suggestions, and realize that what they may need most is our quiet, gracious appreciation of the small indignities they face in their journey toward independence and self-hood. By refraining from smugly pointing our fingers or doing victory dances or saying “I told you so!” whenever our kids are proved wrong about something or change their minds, we invite our children and teens to see us differently, relate with us less defensively, and understand that, in truth, we’re really all on the same side.

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Julia’s mother had a good point. She needed to be able to “parent” her daughter without worrying what the fallout would be. But Julia was typical of many teenagers who feel entitled to impose their moods or frustrations on others simply because they feel, well, moody or frustrated. Shrewd and savvy, these teenagers have learned to exploit their parents’ wishes to avoid a bigger, louder and messier argument.

Then, in turn their parents, calculating the “cost” of speaking out, become increasingly tentative or self-conscious about addressing their teen’s behavior or attitude. The teen picks up on his or her parents’ hesitation and ramps up the drama while the parents, trying to avoid an even worse argument than the one they’re already having, back down. And so it goes.

Breaking out of this vicious cycle takes mindful parenting and a willingness to engage with your unhappy teen even if might be uncomfortable or escalate the tension. Parenting mindfully in this situation means responding to your moody or acting out teen not reactively with what you feel you should do in that moment, but reflectively, by taking a few moments to understand what your teenager is actually trying to make you feel or do.

Being willing to engage means saying, “Look, I can see you’re feeling lousy and I’d help you if I knew what you needed. But I can’t keep letting your moods rule the household the way they do. I’ve avoided confronting you because I knew it would just escalate the tension between us, but I’m not doing you or our family any favors. I understand that no one can control what they feel, but everyone needs to learn to control how they express it.”

Most teenagers would be disarmed by such thoughtful, candid response from their parent and simply want to exit stage left. Let them. Pressing a point too hard or too long only annoys kids. Besides, the more important thing here is to put your teen on notice that she should not expect to be able to casually spread her misery without some push back from you.

Also keep in mind that…

• … getting you to back off is exactly what your teenager is trying to do. She does this in order to escape accountability for her mood, attitude, or behavior. But accommodating repeatedly to your teenager’s sullen mood or unpleasant attitude allows her to avoid becoming aware of how her behavior affects other people. It is an unfortunate lesson she will likely take with her into adulthood.

• … at the same time you are asking your teen to better control her behavior, it’s important to try better appreciating her genuine grievances and dilemmas. Many of the things kids complain about can sound superficial, but have real significance in their lives and matter tremendously to them even if they don’t to you.  Parents insult their kids when they react dismissively to their problems, making it seem as if the only problems that matter are the ones adults have.

• … it’s important resist the temptation to look past behavior problems you think are too minor, too infrequent, or too inconsequential. Little things do matter, and give you a chance to address issues that are too volatile to address constructively when they are bigger and everyone’s temperature is higher.

The idea that kids are hard-wired to become moody and self-absorbed once they hit adolescence has got to be one of the most destructive, self-fulfilling prophecies ever perpetuated by our cultural beliefs about teenagers. Adolescents are so much better than that, and deserve to be held to a better standard.

We sell them short when we hand them exemptions from being good citizens—conscientious, responsible, capable of caring deeply—just because of a collective, and largely unexamined, conviction that they can’t control themselves. Of course they can; they do all the time— in school, among their friends, in front of their friends’ parents. There’s no reason to accept anything less at home.

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What matters is not how many parents you have, but what kind of parenting you get. Good parents are attentive, present, and patient. They respond thoughtfully—mindfully, if you will—to their children when they see them distressed, sad, or in crisis. They avoid sarcasm and know the difference between trying to make a point and having a real conversation.

Parenting by yourself is harder, if only because there is just one of you. That means one less set of eyes and no one to bounce around ideas about raising kids with. In addition, without another adult to share the responsibilities of running the household, exhaustion and burn out are always just around the corner. Still, parents should never underestimate the profound positive and stabilizing influence that they, operating solo, can have on their children’s overall well being and adjustment to changes in the family.

Here are some ideas for single parents that can help you raise conscientious, emotionally intelligent children who you will enjoy having around:

• Bite your tongue whenever you’re about to tell someone how much your ex screwed up your kids. Whether it’s true or not, it’s just not a classy thing to do.
• Bite your tongue even harder whenever you’re about to tell your kids how much your ex screwed up the family/your life/their future. Here is your opportunity to demonstrate grace and humanity in the face of a very difficult situation, something your kids will draw more sustenance from and remember far longer than any point about their other parent you’re trying to make.
• Comb your community or the Internet to find parenting support groups, or organize an informal one of your own among friends. It’s helpful to know you’re not the only one whose kids are making their parent second guess every decision made.
• Resist any temptation to minimize or do away with boundaries, limits and consequences. Wanting to avoid conflict or be a “fun” parent (or the “more fun” parent), or feeling guilty over divorcing or moving are reasons why some single parents end up feeling steamrolled by their kids. Unfortunately, this is a lesson in exploitation that will follow many of these kids into adulthood.
• Don’t try to be both a mother and a father. Instead just be the best mother or father that you can be. Kids who have little or no contact with their other parent often become pretty resourceful at finding surrogate figures among teachers, coaches, relatives, and family friends. As long as that person’s influence is healthy, support these relationships and let your children know that you do so as well.

We can’t control all the events that determine whether we parent side by side with a partner or by ourselves, but we can control how we show up for our kids. Children will always do better when the adults in their lives are warm and honest with them, and communicate with empathy and transparency.

They feel respected when those same adults choose to give them what they need over what they want to give, or feel the need to give. No doubt, the more adults like that a kid has in his or her life the better; still, there is nothing about being that kind of parent that says you need two people to do it.

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