Here are 4 ways to embrace your alone time so that you don’t fear being single again… it won’t last.

Moving away from a familiar family structure, most people describe the change as being bad, lonely, sad. They complain that solitary dinners are uncomfortable, even boring. The TV or Facebook become company to keep. And friends, they complain, are of course, caught up with their own families. Life is lonely.

As your family life shifts, the change brings bitter-sweetness with it. In many ways, it has to – there’s a loss to grieve and to acknowledge. Sadness to be processed. But when you give yourself a chance to embrace the grief without committing to staying there, a more positive expression of your personal time can emerge.

Grieving is a natural part of being human. Grief is a reflection of deep love for another, the lifestyle you once had, the dreams and goals you did and didn’t do with one another. It allows you to connect and to feel. When we don’t grieve the bigger losses, it’s almost impossible to feel the new tendrils of love and affection when they arrive again.

I recommend taking time each day to allow grief to come and to go. I suggest a clock, timer and a paper and pen to help process. These items help put a framework around grief and will keep you from being afraid of possible depressive feelings.

In order to shift from a perceived lonely time to a more empowering opportunity though, you’re going to need to create some momentum and my favorite strength-courage. Typically, we shun change and you might rebel against even the slightest change, so courage is required. But if you’re ready to stop being alone and begin to put some time limits on your grief processing time, these ideas should help!

1. Remember what lights you up: whether it’s gardening, reading mysteries or having dinners out, pick up the fun (and healthy) things you left off that remind you of who you once were.
2. Surround yourself with younger people: each time you let someone younger into your life, you also let their youth and vitality affect how you feel and what you think about. There’s so much more to know and think about these days, let someone younger share their ideas, thoughts, and concerns with you.
3. Let yourself be seen: reach out to friends, invite others over, give yourself a chance to be included in the festivities of your community. It might never feel completely comfortable but it will make you leave the quiet or subdued confines of your home and try something new.
4. Give of yourself: offer to help, contribute, and play. The more you reach out and engage, the less lonely you will feel. Make sure your energy is kept alive and well by eating, exercising, and being around healthy people.

Your alone time is for you to rediscover who you are away from the role of parent, spouse, or cohort. By engaging in new activities with people you haven’t spent time with in the past, your life continues to expand.

Then your mind continues to learn and your heart remains open. The courage you generate will help you open up to new possibilities and new people. Like I said, you won’t be alone for long!

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Breakups create deep ruts in our psyche. They can affect the kind of relationships you have going forward. If you don’t get a handle on what you want and how you want to feel in relationship, chances are, you’ll wind up leaving someone healthy. Unfortunately, we do not stop and consider our actions until the pain adds up. That overwhelming pain can take years to develop and reveal itself, often in the form of a divorce.

Before then, no one wants to admit they’re hurting. It’s way easier to sleep around, get drunk or use, disassociating from the flood of feelings. I couldn’t hide from my breakup pain. In fact, I could barely function. I couldn’t think, write, see friends or even consider another relationship. It took years for me to agree to a date. But during that very long break I discovered some useful tips that help people regain their sense of self.

1. Get on the bench. No one wants to stop having sex. But once you stop having sex for a period of time, you give yourself the chance to objectively assess who and what you’ve been attracting. Are they healthy, happy, sane, and employed? Do they drink to excess, lie or flirt with everyone? Your criteria are important patterns for you to figure out.
2. What do you want? Most of us are raised to be nice, kind and polite. Even guys want others to like them and to get along. That means men try to please their dates and women try to keep others happy. Doing so makes our days a little easier. Doing so to the extreme sets up unhealthy dynamics. Take some time to remember what you want and allow yourself to fulfill it.
3. But you want sex… Yes, but for now, remember the pain of your last breakup is there to keep you in check. To remind you that what you’ve been doing doesn’t work. You need some time and a new perspective, maybe some mentoring, certainly some distance on the whole dating/relationship thing before you can really let yourself get back in or else you’ll simply end up with the same sort of thing all over again.
4. Sober up. Maybe literally, certainly figuratively. What are you doing to yourself? If you’re in high school or college, it might seem easier to break up and heal. You may feel time is on your side. But no matter what age, the dating patterns you create while young will unfortunately, haunt you until you learn your lesson. Before you begin to self-harm, consider what you’re repeating. Get super clear on yourself. Take the time now to do so.
5. Consider what you want and how you’d like to feel in relationship. You will, in that weird sup-conscious energetic way, create exactly what you want. She will materialize, he will appear, and you will become what you desire to be.

So get clear.

Often I coach the confused man in his late-20’s still trying to date the way he did in college or the woman at 32 trying to understand why guys don’t want to marry her. And of course the divorced parent trying to heal. It’s never too late to declare what you’ll settle for and keep to your personal goals before its too late.

You also have to understand your part. Stop dating by default. Use your breakup pain as your greatest blessing to remember who you are, to discover what you want, and to imagine what kind of relationship you can love going forward.

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Decide to commit to your vision of a better life:

Your ideal vision steps over all the tough parts. You hope that you’ll be okay or that it can’t be all that difficult since so many people go through divorces. But in truth, how you get through yours depends upon one decision. Are you going to have a better life or not?

This means you’re willing to face the healing that is required. To take on your mistakes as well as old beliefs. Look at your history and your behavior yesterday as well as today. Once you take responsibility for where you are, you set up a big commitment for your future vision.

Let the past go:

So much easier said than done! No one wants to forget their favorite lover or their most cherished pain. We hang onto those stories like we held onto our mother’s hands as toddlers. Letting go is powerful work. It’s a moment by moment experience that requires tremendous faith in a future you haven’t yet seen or lived into. But remembering “the past is as over as WWII” is required. We have no idea what our futures bring!

Release the fear and anger:

Fear and anger are the condiments to a delicious meal. We love the pain while in the midst of the fighting, negotiating, and story-telling. Parting with our pain, fear, and anger is akin to starvation when there’s been a steady diet of food. We do not want to let go of our self-righteousness (justified or not). This is an appropriate reaction to what divorce brings out.

I’m not a big believer in just forgiving or forgetting. I don’t proscribe you simply step over the anger toward some holier than thou concept that “all is forgiven”. It’s not. To do so only short-circuits the healing to be done. This is the most difficult passage to attend to. If you don’t get through it though, you’ll get what I call Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder. This task is not to be taken lightly.

Find yourself the right support and commit to your healing. Your future self will thank you.

Gather yourself up again:

Once you’re able to let go and feel the feels again, you start to claim back your self-esteem and self-confidence. You realize you’re not going to break apart. You’ll begin to become whole again. Fear, tears, anger are simply the cries of a broken heart.

Breathe. Put yourself together in the morning. Go to work with some pep in your step. Choose optimism. Radiate security (even when it’s hard). When you’re no longer responsible for the blame and can let go of the shame, you get to look forward instead of back in time.

Learn to love again:

Learning to love is more complicated than you’ll wish it to be. Let’s be clear, learning to love has nothing to do with having sex. You can have sex all day long without love. Love means being able to let go, forgive yourself, open your heart again, and be willing to trust another human being to see you as you are. This is no small task after a divorce!

In order to have the ideal vision of a better life, each post-divorce passage must be mastered. They will weave in and out. You’ll conquer one step one day, only to find you’ve slid backwards the next. This is normal even unavoidable in setting the stage for your new life. And when you do, you’ll stand with your heart in your hand ready to share it. You’ll be able to have your vision of a better life. One filled with the love you wanted all along.

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It’s not easy to prepare for the paradoxical feelings that come up. When the person you once loved is moving on and that ex is truly no longer yours, you’ll be hit with palpable pain. That pain, however, is not about them. It’s about you and knowing that you should be moving on too. Ouch.

Moving on isn’t just about forgetting about them or loving someone else. It means truly letting go and allowing yourself to step into grace. No more fighting, apologizing or imagining reuniting. No more distracting yourself from your life. They never were responsible for your future and now you can’t use them as a crutch anymore either.

We all think, “we’re over them” when we leave. We think we can handle letting go. We think we’re ready for some new lover, a new committed relationship. But only some of that is true in the face of the news. The problem is, it’s not easy to step into action, make decisions, commit to someone else, something else in the face of big losses. An ex is a big loss no matter how it ended. It doesn’t matter how you felt about the relationship ending nor how grateful you are now that they’re gone.

I’ve found myself on my knees more than once when I learned old lovers were marrying someone else. I’ve been jealous of the attention and lifestyle their new spouses got. Even when I didn’t want to be with them. I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. It didn’t matter that I took steps in a different direction grateful they were no longer in my bed. Knowing they had moved on meant that I had to too.

The pain of the loss is shockingly real when you actually stop to feel it. When you distract yourself with food, alcohol, lovers, your kids, even work, you fill your days so that you don’t have the time, space or energy to mourn, center, and feel. It’s so much easier to simply stay stuck than it is to make things happen. Isn’t it? It takes a lot of courage and energy to start to get moving on with you. We all say we want to but really doing it?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe most people sashay into new relationships, pick up and travel, carry on with their careers as if an ex moving on is no big loss. But I doubt it. In fact, I know most of us don’t.

Once someone has a piece of your heart, it’s not easy to let them go.

Which is where grace comes in. Understanding the paradoxes that we experience.

At first, it’s impossible to be gracious or understanding. At first, all there is is anger, retaliation, a new lover or two or three… at first relief plays a big part in forgetting about them. But then life continues, things calm down, a new lover comes and then goes… it’s then the time to focus on you.

When you learn how to turn that palpable pain into action for your new life then you’re ready to move on yourself. (Which doesn’t mean you still won’t miss them!) It’s taken a long time to accept my conflicting and confusing feelings about an ex. To be grateful they’re not in my life but still wish them well. To let them go while wondering if they’re safe. To find new love in the face of missing them.

Moving on has given me a chance to become responsible for my future without them. No more leaning on them, wanting them or imagining reuniting. The fantasies have stopped. I’m no longer distracted or beholden and as a result grace has come in.

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We look at the intimate husband-wife commitment with the idea of two people creating a life together. The daily choice to be faithful, loving, and kind requires us to override our innate antagonism, our daily frustrations, and our mercurial moods. Men and women equally can make a marriage miserable without some kind of commitment to the bonds of their marriage contract and a willingness to grow together, and be kind.

So if one partner chooses to step out of their commitment, dally in friendship, flirtation, and infidelity, there’s usually no closure. The faithful partner is left to pick up the pieces of their family and manage their broken heart on their own.

In such cases, there’s often no discussion, useful explanation or logical reasoning. Sometimes the story makes sense – it’s the need for outside affection, stimulation, love, or just sex that pulls one partner’s attention away from their vows. But for the person left, then what?

The pain of being left is devastating. It completely rocks your world. It can take a very long time to understand how to get over a breakup you didn’t want or you didn’t have a say in. That sort of loss affects us on a deeply personal level. It calls into question our self-worth, our identity, our self-confidence, our sex appeal, our beliefs, our trust in others, and institutions. It rips away the fabric of our lives.

When that happens, on our knees, it’s difficult to face the shame and stigma most people have towards those who divorce. It’s easier to pull in and hide. I spent an enormous amount of time second guessing myself. I had to be careful: such thoughts can cause permanent pain, a sense of righteousness, heightened anger toward the opposite sex, long-drawn out court battles, and a loss of faith in the very idea of marriage.

It’s cruel to leave another who thought you were their soulmate. It’s also cruel to abandon your friendships when this occurs. Remaining hopeful and optimistic is crucial. The ending, as painful as it is, doesn’t need to be the end of one’s entire life. And those of us on the outside looking in can offer so much more than we realize.

My goal is lofty: to create community healing from divorce. Leaving the legacy of shame and stigma in the past so that one can recreate their life moving forward. But I need your help.

As you look around your community consider those in need of compassion and kindness. (Especially when they don’t want it.) Help them feel included. They may resist, vent, argue, and turn down your offer. Please know, they truly just need a dose of patience and are doing the best they can. On one’s own, there’s often no manual for a breakup based on being dumped.

The one thing I needed during my divorce was to be included at my friend’s homes; to be invited and considered, as opposed to feeling shunned. If you can muster it, invite your friends to your dinner table, help them have a good day. Workout together and include them in your activities.

Sometimes, divorce is truly unavoidable, and the manuals for how to get over a break up, are being written by all of us today, in community.

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What was, and for quite some time, remained confusing though, is that we still had the same children. Even though we were no longer living under the same roof, they remembered what was special and important be it the “Brownie who left them seasonal gifts outside their bedroom door” or “the half-Birthday celebrations complete with family and friends.” They understood that holidays were now filled with different people even though I had the same food on the table. They reported back when “ordering in” was done at their other home instead of home cooked meals making me wonder why that part seemed so easily let go, and they also suffered the loss of what was magical for us as a family.

My first few holidays alone were painful. I found myself on the kitchen floor in tears surround by sterling silver trays and soup on the stove. Learning how to cope with losing the comfort of the union while making new traditions for me and my children has not only been an eye opening experience, it has taught me the value of starting over without holding on. It’s caused me to breathe in the moment and relinquish control over others. It’s helped me become in touch with what matters to me, my children, and given me the confidence to create anew.

Here are two ways to recreate meaning and traditions even when it’s hard.

1. Practice gratitude. You’ve been given the gift of starting over and no matter how difficult it may feel in the moment, you have an opportunity to make your days your own. I get it if you’re angry and in fear! In those moments, gratitude will seem like meaningless platitudes. I’m the first to self-righteously declare nothing is good. But when I stop and really breathe in the moment, I’ve been given a big change in my life experience and that’s all that’s going on. I’m not a bad mom or a bad woman. I’m not hanging on to what was and pretending reality doesn’t exist.

The meanings I bring to the moment color everything. If I say the holiday stinks because I can’t entertain the way I used to, well, then it’ll stink and I’ll be in a horribly negative mood. But if I declare my kids and I can now have chocolate fondue for New Year’s Eve or any holiday we want to, then I’m a kick-ass mom who’s made her children delighted for the night! So decide what works for you and your life today. Consider the meaning you’re making stuff mean and lift your own spirits and those you’re with.

2. Who cares? Really. At times, my anger gets the better of me. I’ve had to learn to stop trying to control other people and every time I do, I get a lesson from God. How vain of me to think that what we did together would transfer into his single life? He was rejecting my behavior the same way I rejected his. What made me think he would continue our sacred traditions when we were no longer together and why bother to make him?

Going from being married to being single isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes guidance and stamina to stay on your side of the street. The better I got at managing my own suffering and focusing on healing, the easier it’s gotten for my kids. They’re a lot wiser than I sometimes give them credit so because of them and their need for me to show up, I let go.

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