Her answer was interesting. It sounded something like: “This is the way I am so he needs to learn to deal with it”. I then asked her if he did the exact same thing to her would she accept the same action and answer from him. Her answer this time was to blush and slowly turn her eyes away with an uncomfortable smile.

This article will explore the idea of your way of being and why you should become more aware of it.

What is your way of being?

I struggled with this question for the longest time. The best answer I came up with is that your way of being is how you interact with the world around you. Among other things, it gets shaped by your life experiences, core beliefs and your way of seeing the world.

You may not be aware of our way of being but it is definitely there and it has an impact in your daily life.

The first challenge that I have for you is that you begin to take notice of your way of being. To do this, try this simple exercise. Over a week or two, take a moment in the evening to reflect on your day. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What were some of the things I spoke about the most today? How did I feel about them? How did I talk about them?
• What were some of the things I thought about the most today How did I feel about them? How did it impact my day?
• What would the people around me tell me about my behavior today?

These are very basic questions but the idea is to build some self-awareness. After a week, what are some of the patterns you can see in the answers to these questions? What does it tell you about your way of being?

How do you change your way of being?

This is an interesting question because you may see some of this as black and white. I do this behavior and this is good — but THIS behavior of mine is bad.

The point is not to keep score or make drastic changes. Trying to change “bad” behavior without understanding why it happens is not useful. It will come out in different ways instead. Think of water leaking out of a barrel, plug a hole and you may discover a new hole leaking right next to it.

Changing your way of being means learning new habits until they become your new default ones. You do this by practicing new behaviors over and over in safe spaces. At first, it can be uncomfortable but the more you practice, the easier it will become.

If you are an introvert that keeps to yourself at work, here is an exercise you can try. Every morning for a week, when you get to work, say hello to at least 5-10 people with a big smile and a handshake. After a week, what can you notice that in your relationship with these people? What can you notice that is different within yourself? What was different between the first and last day doing it?

So tell me, what are you aware about in your way of being? How different could your relationship be if you practiced new behaviors?

Steffan Surdek is an in-demand leadership development coach and corporate trainer. He has always been driven to expand the notion of leadership to include each member of the team. As a widely recognized principal consultant, Steffan’s work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient. He is the founder of Pyxis Cultures, a consulting and training company based in Montreal, Canada.

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Change is hard for a lot of people. When you look at your relationship, I am sure you can see a lot of things our spouse needs to change but what about you? What do you need to change to have a healthier and more conscious relationship with your spouse?

One thing you may not realize is the only thing you have control over in a conversation is your fifty percent of it. What are you bringing to the discussion? How are you behaving or reacting to things? How are these things impacting your relationship with your spouse?

When you work on changing your fifty percent of the conversation it will have an impact on your spouse’s half. This article will explore various ways you can change your side of the conversation.

1. Take responsibility for your impact

The way you act and the way you speak has an impact on your spouse and you need to take responsibility for it.

To do this, you can start by noticing how your spouse reacts when you say or do certain things. What are you triggering for them? Is there a different way to say or do the same thing that would have a different impact on them?

I am not saying to wear white gloves or to do things to “manage” your spouse. There is an important distinction between speaking your truth and vomiting your truth. When you notice you are saying or doing something specific that is having an impact, stop and acknowledge it. You can also apologize for what you did and start over.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions

We can often come from a place of blame when talking about our emotions. Saying things such as “you made me feel x…” gives a lot of power over you to someone else.

I often tease my children around the distinction between saying: “I am angry” vs “you made me angry”. I tell them that it’s not as if I am standing there asking them “are you angry yet… are you angry yet?”.

You can take responsibility for your emotions by noticing and changing how you speak. When you start doing this you will find conversations will start to have a lot less blaming and shaming.

3. Be more intentional

Before you start a conversation try to be clear on your intention. What are you trying to do in this conversation? Are you trying to have a conversation about a particular topic? Are you trying to start an argument? You can act in different way when you are aware of your intention.

Once you are clear on your intention, make sure your actions and words align with it when you are with your spouse. By knowing your intention, you can also share it with your spouse or use it to do a reset if things go bad.

For example, if you are trying to create a conversation about a sensitive topic, you can frame it that way. An opening such as “I would like to talk about topic x and this is not easy for me, please bear with me” can help set the stage.

4. Listen for unmet needs

Look beyond the words of your spouse. What are the unmet needs they are trying to talk to you about? Try listen for these instead of reacting to the words your spouse is using to express them. Repeat them back to see if you are picking up on the right cues. This will help your spouse feel heard.

For example “you never do anything around the house” could mean your spouse needs support. Non-violent communication tools are a great help for this. To get started, download these needs and feeling inventories.

In your mind, go back to one of the recent arguments with your spouse and try to identify at least one unmet need. What did they say that leads you to believe this is the right one? Practice doing this and check if you are hearing the right need by naming it in the discussion. You can do this by asking “are you needing more x?”.

How will you begin to change your fifty percent of the conversation?

Steffan Surdek is an in-demand leadership development coach and corporate trainer. He has always been driven to expand the notion of leadership to include each member of the team. As a widely recognized principal consultant, Steffan’s work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient. He is the founder of Pyxis Cultures, a consulting and training company based in Montreal, Canada.

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