While it is not so easy to set and maintain boundaries, the demands on you can raise your stress level, especially if you are resenting what others expect from you. Here are a few questions to consider in deciding where to set your boundaries:

1. Is the Expectation a Reflection of “Your Role”? When you are capable and well-informed, others look to you for advice or assistance. It may be as simple as your “role” in your family or in the community you live in. At some point in life, however, putting others first can tip so far that it interferes with what you need to do to take care of you, honor your priorities, and reach your goals. The accumulated expectations may drain you energetically.

Consider if your participation in what others ask you to do is a conscious decision. If on reflection you determine that it is not a role you want to continue, begin to redefine your boundaries.

As you redefine boundaries, you may experience some resistance as you make changes in your relationship with others. In fact, some of that resistance may be from you. This is particularly so if you’ve been playing this role for a long time. Generally, however, people adapt.  If possible, consider phasing out. You may also want to think about how your relinquishing certain responsibilities gives others an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to assist.

2. Have You Fostered the Expectation of You? Some of us have consciously or unconsciously fostered the expectations of others. Quite frankly, it may be that some of what you perceive to be an expectation is of your own making. Perhaps your role in others’ lives has become a valuable part of community and connection for you. Or, becoming absorbed in others’ problems and goals could be a way of avoiding focusing on those things in your own life that need attention. It may simply be pure ego; a pride that you can make things happen or can do it quicker or more easily than someone else. If so, it is important to understand your own limits to avoid undue stress and mental fatigue as a result of wanting to serve the needs of everyone.

Creating me time for yourself, if possible, is one way to help you reset expectations and boundaries. This is time outside of listening to, assisting, and providing for others. It could be a time when you take a nature walk, take a nap, pray or meditate, read a book, go to the spa, or engage in any other activity that calms your nerves. You can even integrate a body scan meditation into your day to keep you more in tune with your body’s and your spirit’s signals.

3. Is the Expectation a Reflection of Your Values and Goals? In some cases, you may have taken on obligations because they reflect values that are important to you. You’ve made a conscious decision to take on the obligation because of its importance to you or your family outweighs the cost to you at the time. You may still, however, see value in exploring ways to lessen any burden and reduce the stress it may bring.

Seeking the assistance or participation of others, bringing clarity to the scope of your involvement, and lengthening the time in which a task needs to be done are examples of ways to reduce the stress that comes with the responsibility.

Stick with the changes you’ve made and notice if there is an improvement in your stress level.  While helping others is an important part of who you are, caring for yourself is also critical to your ability to be your best you and be there for those you love.

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If perfectionism is something you grapple with, what might you do to be kinder to yourself in the moment?

Six Tips for Shaking the Perfectionist in You

• Focus on those things you did (or do) right.  I can remember in my 20s, beating myself up for days over even the tiniest of flaws.  Talk about unnecessary suffering (and taking myself way too seriously).  Even in my 40s, the self-criticism continued.  Something clicked though when I was telling my then-boss about an error I made.  He suggested that I start focusing on what I did right instead.
• Reinforce the positive.  Identify and talk through with your partner or a friend three things you did that you were most proud of that day.  Build it into your day if you can.  Doing this every day will highlight to you the positive in each day and offset the tendency to focus mostly on negative events or interactions.  Focus on the positive in the ordinary.  In many cases we overlook the routine in the day.  But the ongoing daily interactions and tasks often reflect the most meaning and speak the most to our overall experience.
• Pull out the nuggets of learning from the experience. What is the take away you can keep in mind, turning your experience into a teachable moment?  Knowing that your experience has served a broader purpose, you can let go of your misgivings more easily.
• Seek perspective from an older you.  Ask yourself how important your mistake or misunderstanding will seem to the older, thoroughly seasoned, and wiser you. How does that change your perspective?  From that vantage point, we can also better see when we are holding ourselves back personally or professionally out of a fear that we are not ready, worthy, or good enough.
• Add a loving-kindness meditation to your day.  Meditations of loving-kindness can help you meet not only others but yourself with more kindness and compassion.  There are real costs to the mind, body, and spirit when you lack self-compassion and continually beat yourself up.  Forgiving yourself for not being perfect can help you overcome fears and move forward to achieve your dreams.
• Connect with loved ones and supportive colleagues.  Engage with others who can remind you that you are not alone and who accept you as you are.  We all make mistakes. Being imperfect is one thing all of humanity has in common.  Caring friends, family, and colleagues can reinforce that you are loved and accepted despite being an imperfect human being.

Quiet the endless stream of self-criticism that causes you real suffering and keeps you from bringing out the best you for yourself and your loved ones.  You can be kind to yourself and still thrive.

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