There’s something about a fresh start. It holds the promise of what feels possible, perhaps even transformational. It’s a moment in your life when your wish for something more, for something better, is planted like a seed. Yet, you might wonder, can I do it?

I believe you can. I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in supporting women who want greater health and happiness. I’ve discovered that the best way to keep your

resolutions on track is to focus on influence not control. By using a thoughtful approach to your goals, you build the self-confidence and resilience you need to stay committed.

As you think about your New Year’s resolutions, how you phrase what you want is just as important as what you decide to do. A 2020 Swedish study concluded that approach-oriented goals are more effective than avoidance-oriented goals.

Approach-oriented goals express what you want to cultivate more of in your life and how that will benefit you; whereas, avoidance-oriented goals aim to eliminate behaviors or emphasize the negative outcome. For example, if weight loss is a goal you have, an approach-oriented goal might be “I will feel more energetic and stronger if I walk daily”. An avoidance-oriented goal might say “I need to stop eating sugar so that I can lose weight”.

Who you are is a continuously evolving process that lasts your entire life. This is why it’s important to stay mindful of how your needs, wants, and desires are changing over time. A New Year’s resolution can be a wonderful way to set intentions that affirm what matters most to you.

Here’s my top three recommendations for how to focus on influence rather than control.

1. Practice the art of revising expectations. This idea invites the mental flexibility you need to adjust your goals. When you’re looking to make changes or improvements in your life, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment of inspiration and set lofty intentions that bring a brighter future.

It’s normal to underestimate what the process is going to look and feel like. When you practice the art of revising expectations, you’re exhibiting resilience and stepping away from seeing setbacks as failure.

New Year’s resolutions are most successful when you’re willing to update them based upon how your process is evolving. This makes it easier to give yourself grace while staying dedicated to your wellness.

2. Stay curious. Ask yourself, what’s possible? When you’re curious, you’re inviting the quality of openness. You’re not trying to dominate, predetermine, or control a situation. This allows you to accept where you are and what you’re capable of now.

When you ask yourself what’s possible, you encourage adaptability. By staying true to what is, it’s easier to see the options that are available to you. This builds self-nurturing and self-confidence without needing to be in control.

New Year’s resolutions that focus on what’s possible emphasize the influence you have over your life. You’re affirming what you feel capable of doing, avoiding the pitfalls of lack mentality, and concentrating your energy on taking action.

3. Resistance is normal. Disarm resistance by welcoming it. Then work with the tension creatively. Resistance is a natural part of change. It serves as a self-defense mechanism that is trying to protect you. Our natural inclination is to avoid dealing with it. By welcoming it, you automatically decrease its power over you.

Creative expression, like writing, drawing, and singing, is a powerful way to convey the resistance you feel. It gives you the chance to get it off your chest, decreasing the pressure you feel. When you can see your resistance, it becomes easier to work through mindfully.

By approaching your New Year’s resolutions from a place of accepting the process of change, your resistance becomes less of a roadblock. This helps you move away from all-or-nothing thinking, which is based on a desire to control, towards seeing your goals on a spectrum of evolution and growth.

Embrace your fresh start this New Year’s by focusing on the influence you have over your life. May these recommendations help you improve your health and wellness in ways that are sustainable, flexible, and compassionate.

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Being diagnosed with a major medical problem thrusts you into a world that most have had little preparation to cope with. It’s an intense ride filled with medical specialists, information, and recommendations that involve time-sensitive and high pressure decision-making.

When the initial crisis subsides and the team of medical professionals move on to their next case, patients are left wondering- what just happened to me? The aftermath of medical intervention is a vulnerable time.

As a psychotherapist and breast cancer survivor, I’ve experienced this first hand. The hidden trauma of life-threatening medical problems can create deep anguish when you’re not sure of how to deal with it.

To navigate the psychological minefield of major medical problems, the first step is to assess the impact and needs of your body, mind, spirit, and self. Let’s talk about why you want to consider all 4 of these areas to successfully address your needs.

1. The Body. The impact of a medical intervention is often visible to you and everyone around you. There are tests, scans, procedures, and perhaps scars that all come with data and information that you can see and feel. A plan for rehabilitation is often recommended once the crisis has stabilized, which is an important step.

However, what’s often not spoken about is the role the body plays in negotiating traumatic experiences. The stress of the experience is held inside of your body so that you can survive it. As things calm down, you can be blindsided when your body releases what it’s been holding onto.

2. The Mind. Unlike the body, the impact on your mind is much harder to assess. There’s no test tube of blood that can break down into percentages how much anxiety, depression, grief, or uncertainty you feel. Therapists have screening tools that measure by self report the intensity and frequency of mental health symptoms. While important, what the mind needs is the ability to work through what’s happened.

The mind plays a role in helping us survive traumatic experiences. It collects and codes information about your experience, so that it can take action in the future. Your mind can end up being consumed by the desire to feel in control. Without resolution of the trauma you’ve experienced, your mind can become a place where feeling at peace becomes nearly impossible.

3. The Spirit. Independent of how you personally define the spirit, the purpose is often the same. The spirit is a life force that helps you face uncertainty. It’s what brings us hope, and helps us to feel capable, confident, and connected. Your spirit is often tied to your values, purpose, and helps you to make sense of your life and the world around you.

Yet, when a major medical problem occurs, it rocks your sense of safety and security. Some experience this as a loss of faith, of the way things should be, or even a broken promise. All of these factors can challenge your relationship with your spirit at a time when you need it the most.

4. The Self. Your self is your identity- how you perceive who you are and the role you play in your life and the lives of others. A major medical problem can lead to temporary or permanent changes in how you live your life, your routine, your work, and how you take care of yourself and others. It’s not uncommon for people to fear that they’ll never feel like themselves again.

Allowing yourself to grieve is an important part of processing the losses you experience and how it changes your self-perception. It can be incredibly isolating to work through this kind of grief, and you feel guilty or ashamed. If this is happening for you, it’s a red flag that you need to take seriously.

As you can tell, navigating the psychological minefield of major medical problems is a complex process. What’s important to remember is that it’s not impossible. By taking time to slow down and create emotional space for reflecting, you can begin to understand what you need and from there find the support, resources, and guidance you need for healing.

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As a therapist, I’ve worked with many people who’ve suffered from perfectionism. What I’ve noticed is these clients are usually very empathic, gifted and conscientious people who care a lot about others. In our work together, we explore what purpose their perfectionism has served, so that they can release the pain and find greater liberation internal and in their lives.

Perfectionism can develop for many reasons. For some, it’s an anxious nature that’s temporarily soothed by feeling in control. For others, it’s the experience of being overpowered by unhealthy relationship dynamics in which the person struggling with perfectionistic traits typically feels exceedingly responsible for others. Or perhaps it’s evolved from a habit of comparing yourself to others and not feeling good enough.

No matter how or why your perfectionistic traits developed, it’s important to recognize them as a warning sign you need to heed. When you find yourself grappling with your perfectionism’s desire to be in control, it’s time to take a pause. It’s time to notice what’s happening inside of you and around you, so that you can discern what’s making you feel uncomfortable.

You may be feeling:

1. The need for self-protection. Automatic responses usually stem from a place of self-protection. This means that your urge to be perfectionistic is a sign that some part of you does not feel safe. It’s important to feel safe and secure, but it’s important to realize when you’re being given the opportunity to grow by stepping out of your comfort zone.

When you step out of your comfort zone, it helps you to feel more confident that you can navigate tough times. When your old ways of reacting surface, take a moment to pause and see if you can find the bravery you need to try something new.

2. A sign that something from the past is present. Perfectionistic traits may develop as a response to unhealthy interpersonal relationships or traumatic experiences. When you feel pressure to be perfect, it may be a sign that something does not feel right in the here-and-now.

This is why being mindful can help you can discern what’s happening. Perhaps you are experiencing an opportunity to heal from trauma you’ve experienced. Or, perhaps your reaction is an important cue that you’re in a problematic situation that could cause harm.

Whatever conclusion you draw from the warning signal, it’s important to listen. Self-reflection, self-soothing, and assessment of the relationships you have and the agreements you made are essential components of creating health and balance in your life.

3. The opportunity to change, heal, and grow. It’s my belief that we are in a constant state of evolution. Your evolution is tied into your ability to rise to the challenge, find fulfilment, and learn new and more effective ways to respond to distress. Therefore, each time you notice perfectionism trying to resolve your distress, this is an opportunity to grow.

Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, does an incredible job at breaking down perfectionism. Her Wholehearted Inventory provides a road map for how to move away from perfectionism towards habits and ways of responding to stress that promote resilience. This tool I use with clients regularly, because of the clarity and insight it provides.

Perfectionism, like all coping mechanisms, plays a role in your survival. By understanding what it’s trying to communicate, you gain self-awareness and the ability to make a plan for growth. Change happens with small steps that gently guide you to move from surviving to thriving.

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