Does the idea of being Supermom excite you? It’s a title that many mothers wear with great pride. Still others grow weary of being referred to that way. When we think of the history of the title Supermom, we know that it originates with Superman. Here’s an important thing to remember, Superman wore a costume. Clark Kent was only referred to as Superman once the suit and glasses were replaced with the famous “S” and a cape. But many times, mothers are expected to be Supermom at all times and expected to view it as a compliment.

I beg to differ. I think the title itself can be damaging to women who are already attempting to do “all the things” while putting themselves on the back burner, if they are on the stove at all.

There’s a lot to do in a day but who says you have to do it all or that it all has to be done right now? The idea of having healthy boundaries and systems in place that serve you, is of the utmost importance. If having systems in place to ensure things can carry on with or without you sounds like magic, then these tips are for you.

Here are 5 strategies to put in place now to combat the Supermom Syndrome.

1. Be vulnerable. Ask for help and then let people help you. The people that love you are not mind readers. If you look like Superwoman people will begin to believe that you are. Take off the “S” and let folks in your village and in your home know where you need support. Delegate and assign tasks if necessary. Or you can insource or outsource it. There are several apps and services available for a nominal fee with special offers for new customers for things like laundry, house cleaning and more. Be intentional about getting the help that you need instead of choosing to do it all yourself.

2. Just say “No”. The word no is a complete sentence. As moms we often feel we have to explain why we are unable or unavailable to assist. Have you ever tried offering a simple, “I’m unable to help with that this year but I’m sure it will be an amazing event.” Period. It feels good standing in your truth. There is only so much of you to go around and depending on the season you’re in, maybe it’s someone else’s turn to rise up and be available. Always remember that whatever volunteer position you’re in as a leader, have an assistant and a good team supporting you. Then you can simply turn over the reins.

3. Perfection is the enemy of peace. The burden of perfection can lead to unhappiness and a lack of awareness and appreciation for what actually is. It causes us to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. We don’t have to cover up our imperfections with a false impression of perfection. You are good enough as you are. With a sink full of dishes, a hamper full of dirty clothes and kids who didn’t bathe tonight. It’s really ok. Tomorrow is a new day.

4. Check your systems, Girl! What systems do you have in place? Feeling like you have to do it all and no one else can do it “right” really means you have not created systems that will allow you to step away to care for yourself and know that things won’t fall apart. Do you have the proper relationships and friendships that water you and not only pull or take from you? Are your home and life systems meeting your needs or adding to the chaos?

5. Invest in yourself. Where have you invested in you recently? All of us have those places and areas where we know we need to come up higher and show up bigger. Have you made the investment there? It’s difficult to see our own blind spots. Is this the moment that you make the decision to put you at the top of your priority list? The goal of motherhood should be to work ourselves out of a job. The plan is that our children will eventually leave home and launch into their next phase. What will your “next” look like?

Motherhood doesn’t have to happen alone. Building a supportive village and network of family, friends and other mothers can make this journey one of collaboration instead of comparisons. Choosing the former, allows all of us to grow and move forward with the changing seasons of life.

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There are two schools of thought on the topic of arguing in front of children. One group says, “Don’t do it.” The other asks, “How do you not?” There are a few things to consider as we open this Pandora’s box.

I have friends who have said, “My parents never argued in front of us,” and others who have been traumatized by fights and disagreements that ended with hurt feelings or worse. But perhaps there’s another option. The problem with the former is that many may think there’s something wrong with their relationship if they argue and have never seen it done properly. The latter can leave lasting scars that lead to relationship issues for years to come.

There is a clear distinction between fighting and arguing. Fighting generally involves hurtful words, name-calling, raised voices, and more. It also often involves a desire to point out all the reasons you’re wrong and I’m right.

On the other hand, arguing is a difference of opinion. It can include a heated yet controlled discussion, a difference of opinion, and an underlying desire to find a place of agreement. I would suggest that the latter is something we should willingly do in front of our children. And here’s the reason: in life, we will disagree with others—people we love, people we work with, professors, and bosses. Setting an example for our children about how to disagree or argue respectfully is a valuable life skill that many have never been taught.

Teaching this life skill does come with its own warnings and things to watch out for. Here are four tips to keep in mind if you argue or have a disagreement in front of your children.

Four Tips for Arguing Respectfully in Front of Your Kids

Don’t Involve the Kids.
Don’t ask for their opinion, ask them to pick a side, or involve them in any way. They love both of you, and being forced to choose a side can make them feel like they’re letting one parent down. This could lead to feelings of guilt, abandoning, or hurting the other parent’s feelings.

Call a Timeout if Things Are Getting Heated.
Before the disagreement turns into a full-blown fight, ask if this is a good time to pause the discussion. Set a time to re-engage, or one or both parties may feel unimportant or ignored.

Listen with the Goal of Hearing and Understanding the Other Person.
Rather than listening for the pause to jump in and make your point, try to understand what the other person is saying. We’ve all been there—we’ve thought of the perfect comeback or one-liner that will shut down the whole discussion, but we fail to really hear and understand our partner. Consider using mirroring as a technique to confirm with your partner that you’ve heard and understood their point.

Seek Resolution.
If you argue in front of the kids, let them see the resolution. Many times we argue and resolve things later. Try not to leave them with a cliffhanger.

It would be impossible to live life without disagreeing or arguing—not just among spouses or couples, but also with coworkers, supervisors, and others. Along with teaching our kids how to properly load the dishwasher and cook a basic meal, let’s also teach them how to handle and navigate disagreements.

Being able to have a difficult conversation with tact and respect can make all the difference between living a life of conflict and one of peace. What a great gift to send our kids into their futures with.

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Masks and the wearing of masks have been a topic of discussion that we may not be rid of anytime soon. However, many of us wear invisible masks in our everyday lives to cope with the pressures of life, to hide from the painful realities of life and many others.

Here are the three masks and what it might take to remove them for good…

1. The Perfect Mom

This amazing mom is comparing herself to moms around her and second-guessing much of her parenting. Her focus is on everything being just right; appearances, meals, clothing. Her home, children and family have the appearance of perfection. However, the stress of keeping up this facade is wearing on her.

Removing this mask requires vulnerability. I know, it’s not my favorite thing either, along

my motherhood journey, the goal of perfection has robbed me of peace. Let’s set a new goal. Instead of asking, “Is she a better mother than I am,” let’s purpose to be a better mom today than yesterday. Things don’t have to be perfect to be great.

2. The People Pleaser Mom

The goal of wanting to make everyone happy and not ruffle any feathers can be suffocating. This mom says yes when you need her, even when she knows she should say no. She is overextended, overcommitted and exhausted. This mask provides the greatest means of escape from difficult conversations with almost anyone. This amazing mother would rather be angry with herself for making another commitment than have you angry with her.

Removing this mask requires some soul-searching. And during that search, the first thing to look for is the word no. I often say the word no is a complete sentence. In fact, it becomes so difficult for this mom to say no, that even when saying it, it’s followed by an apology and reason why. Saying no and setting boundaries around your time is self-care and does not need an apology or explanation.

3. The Hidden Mom

The hidden mom will often turn down new opportunities, relationships or even her own dreams because of “the kids”. It may sound like this: “Well, when the kids leave home then I will …” or “Once the kids are all in (or all out of) college, then I’ll be free to …” She doesn’t mean to hide. Her goal is to give her children the best life possible while sacrificing her own dreams. Newsflash, it is possible for all of us to go after our dreams and to create and conquer goals, simultaneously.

Removing this mask requires acknowledging that it’s OK to have goals and things you desire to accomplish in addition to being a mom. Mom is a hat we wear, it’s not the only hat we wear. Start showing up for yourself in real ways. Put yourself in ink on the family calendar instead of pencil. You wouldn’t think of erasing a doctor’s appointment or other commitment for your child. Treat your goals and commitments with the same respect. And remember, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

4. The Unmasked Mom

This mom is the goal! She has a healthy awareness of the masks in her own life. She respects order and balance without striving for perfection and control. She leaves room for the unexpected and wants her family happy and whole, but not at her expense. She sets appropriate boundaries without the need to explain her yes or her no and feels no guilt when doing so.

The journey to the unmasked mom takes time. Removing one mask may reveal another, but that’s OK. Living an unmasked life is a life of authenticity. Reframing our negative self-talk to positive affirmations and expressed gratitude leaves little room for guilt and shame.

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To-do lists are how many of us get through the days and weeks. But do we have clarity on what needs to be done when? This is true for most but none more than for mothers. We have taken multitasking and turned it into an art form. In the long run, is that skill really serving us well or has it become a fragmented way to do many things with a mediocre outcome?

Here are 6 ways to gain clarity 

1. Get quiet so you can get clear. Pick a space, a spot and a time to be still with your thoughts. It may be before everyone wakes up or after everyone is asleep. You may have to re-teach your family the importance of boundaries in order to have them respected. Just because one of your kids wakes up does not mean they have get up, especially if it’s early or on the weekend. Our kids were allowed to stay in their rooms and play, read, build forts for a few minutes upon waking up. It allowed me the moments I needed to inhale and exhale before letting them know they can come downstairs.

2. Eliminate Distractions (as best you can). A great place to start is with all the non-essential notifications on our phones, which is probably quite a few. Silencing all notifications except for the few that you need. We may not realize how distracting the constant “bing” and “ping” are when trying to concentrate.

3. Identify what matters most now. Whether you are incorporating this list of tips daily or weekly, there will be things that are immovable. The zoom call with your boss, the online exam your child has to take. These will be your big rocks. Plan around those.

4. Give everyone a job and responsibility. Everyone in your home who is capable, should have an ongoing job/responsibility that is their own, no matter what. For instance, my daughter was responsible for washing dishes and making sandwiches. My oldest son cleaned counters, swept and packed snacks. My youngest son packed juices in the lunch bags and took the trash out. These were ongoing responsibilities. Let me caution you to not critique how and what they do, do not redo it and do not take it back. Allow them to complete their responsibility once they have been given the expectations. These responsibilities are not for payment or allowance. It is their contribution to the whole, the team.

5. Be in the moment with the task at hand. You cannot effectively be on a zoom call (camera off), helping with algebra and eating dinner. Each of these events need your attention. Try to minimize multitasking. We think we are getting a lot done, however in most cases, each of the events is getting just a fragment of our attention.

6. Experiment until you find what works. Be willing to tweak your morning and evening routines until you find the sweet spot. Remember the goal here is not perfection. Things don’t have to be perfect to be great.

In the midst of it all, grace is yours. Take it. Apply it. Setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm isn’t necessary. Take a moment to slow down and access where your time and energy is best spent. Don’t ignore how you feel and what your capacity is for the day at hand. Whatever isn’t accomplished today, can be moved to tomorrow’s to-do list.

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