Suddenly, I became acutely aware of my own heartbeat. It was in perfect sync with dad’s heart monitor. Stunned, I realized several profound truths.

First, I wasn’t causing my own heart to beat. That was scary.

Second, relationship runs deep. We’re more connected than we know.

Third, life is incredibly fragile. Here one moment and gone the next.

Dad died that night.

I had experienced losses before and I’ve had many since. Each death reminds me that my time here is limited. Anything could happen, anytime, anywhere.

Death brings perspective to life in a way few things can. Living with death in mind is a precious gift we can give ourselves and those we know.

I serve as a hospice chaplain and grief counselor. My patients are on the rim of the canyon. This life is ebbing away, and they’re peering ahead to what’s next. Many have a new sense of clarity.

In honor of National Hospice Month, here are a few tips from these special rim-dwellers that will enhance your life.

Tip #1: Life is heavy. Travel light.

“I know I’ve made mistakes. I just can’t remember them anymore,” Sally quipped, giggling.

We make mistakes. We have regrets. We’ve been hurt, and we’ve wounded others. Guilt is a familiar companion to most of us.

Sally let the burdens go. She was joyful. Happy. She left me wondering why we cling to stuff that can only bring us down. Life is heavy enough. Who needs extra baggage?

You can’t afford to let regret, guilt, and bitterness roam free in your heart. Instead, get good at forgiving (especially yourself). Make amends. Release what you can.

Life is heavy. Travel light.

Tip #2: Dump worry. Cultivate gratitude.

“Worry is bad stuff. It’ll eat your mind,” Richard said.

Richard was in his mid-forties and suffered from ALS. His past was riddled with pain. An abusive childhood led him to alcohol, drugs, and criminal activity. He lost his parents, a child, two marriages, multiple other family members, and his health.

Yet, this man found hope.

“Worry, fear, and bitterness consumed me. ALS has taught me to be grateful. Who knows? This disease might end up being the greatest blessing of my life,” he said.

Richard died a happier man than he had ever been.

Worry can eat your mind. Fear will anesthetize your heart into living small. Don’t let that happen. Dump worry. Cultivate gratitude.

Tip #3: Love deeply. Serve well. Begin by taking good care of you.

“You’re no good to me if you don’t take care of you,” Sam snapped.

A feisty World War II vet, Sam zipped around his assisted living facility in a scooter he had hotwired for speed. The staff repeatedly scolded him for putting other residents in danger and threatened to confiscate “Sparky.”

On Sam’s last birthday, he zipped out of his apartment on Sparky only to find a policeman with a radar gun in the hallway.

“Pull over young man. Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Sam’s laughter filled the hallway. The staff around the corner doubled over in delight.

One day, I found Sam in his room with the lights off and the blinds closed. I pulled up a chair and sat down. After a few moments, he softly said, “Help me. I can’t do this alone.”

I answered, “None of us can. I’m here, Sam.”

None of us can do this alone. The world needs you. As you take good care of you, your ability to love and serve skyrockets. Love yourself well, and that love will spill over onto others too.

Ultimately, we’re all on the rim of the canyon. None of us knows exactly how close to the edge we are.

Travel light. Dump worry. Cultivate gratitude. Take care of yourself. Love deeply. Live with great purpose.

We need you.

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In my work as a hospice chaplain and grief counselor, I interact with cancer in some way almost every day. Perhaps I’m a bit jaded. All my cases are terminal. Sooner or later, cancer is a killer.

Then, the c-word became extremely personal.

During a routine dental cleaning, our hygienist noticed an abnormality in our 15 year-old son’s palate. The dentist got involved, and then a periodontist. Less than a week after the discovery of this lesion, we were in our oral surgeon’s office having multiple biopsies.

A week later, we got the results. I don’t remember much of what the surgeon said because the last word obliterated everything else that came before it.

“Carcinoma.”

We were immediately referred to a surgical practice two hours away, because “they deal with tumors like this every day.”

“Tumor.”

Suddenly, we were thrust into an adventure none of us wanted. Add to this the fact that our son’s biological father died of Pancreatic cancer, and the fear factor was way up there.

Doctors considered our son’s case urgent, and the flurry of activity was breathtaking. Tests, blood work, and scans. Appointments, consultations, phone calls, and emails. And then there was the travel. Back and forth, over and over, finally culminating in a more-extensive-than-expected surgery that left our son with a hole in the roof of his mouth slightly larger than a golf ball.

Then came the recovery, food and drink adjustments, infection concerns, post-op appointments, and so forth. Thankfully, in our case, we got the best possible outcome. Tumor gone. No evidence of cancer anywhere else. No chemo. No radiation. The treatment plan was simple. Be observant, be vigilant, and see the dentist or surgeon every three months for the next five years.

We were lucky. Massively fortunate. And the life lessons we learned were priceless.

1. Expect surprises.

Stuff happens. Things will not go the way any of us expect. The road before us isn’t smooth or predictable. There will be hiccups. We can make decisions and have some influence, but none of us is in control.

2. Listen well.

When emotions are high, our hearing becomes even more selective than usual. Breathe deeply. Hear the meaning behind the words. Parrot back what we thought we heard. It’s essential that get what’s being said in important situations (and that would be every conversation!).

3. Stay detached enough to be loving.

Another way to say this might be, “Don’t make it all about you.” We need to remain separate enough from those we care about in order to listen well, hear their hearts, and love them. We can’t afford to get our hearts confused with theirs. We’re in this together, but we are separate individuals.

4. Release worry and fear.

This dynamic duo is not your friend. In the words of one of my hospice patients, “Worry will eat your mind.” Fear can throttle your heart.

Express your thoughts and terrors, and then release them. And keep releasing them.

5. Instead of focusing on what happened, decide what you’re going to do next.

Life is always about the next step. Yes, the past is important and informs the present. The choice is yours what to do with it. Like worry and fear, guilt is not your friend. Don’t entertain it. Put your wisdom (and that of others) to work, and make the next best choice you can.

6. Learn to trust.

We’re relational creatures. In order to heal and grow in life, you’re going to have to be real with someone – hopefully several people – about what’s going on inside you. That demands trust.

How do you know who to trust. Look at their track record. Are they trustworthy in this area?

7. Be kind, no matter what.

From the beginning, we coached ourselves to treat everyone we met on our cancer journey the way we ourselves wanted to be treated. Consideration. Kindness. Respect. The results were extraordinary. And even if we hadn’t been treated in stellar fashion, at least we could sleep at night knowing that we gave away what we ourselves wanted to receive.

I hope cancer isn’t the surprise that you’re dealing with at present. But whatever that unexpected curve ball might be, I believe these seven things will help you navigate it well. Much of life is about overcoming difficulties and hurdling obstacles. Almost everything seems to present us with opportunities get outside of ourselves, heal, and grow.

It’s not what you did, but what you do next that matters most now. Life is lived one moment, one step at a time.

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Halls, houses, and lawns are decked with festive decorations. Kitchens are filled with delightful, savory aromas. The air is laced with laughter, familiar music, and the tinkling of Salvation Army bells.

The holiday spirit is everywhere.

But underneath the bright lights, smiles, and cheerful greetings lurks the unseen warehouse of holiday expectations. Somehow, we must top last year, and the year before that. This season must be bigger, better, more colorful, and more delicious. We must somehow make this holiday the best ever.

We have expectations. We have ideas of how this should go, what should happen, and when.

We have expectations of others. Others have expectation of us. We have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others’ expectations are.

Even our culture has expectations. Have the appropriate holiday spirit. Engage in holiday cheer. Fa-la-la-la-la, and all that. Be happy! And above all, buy, buy, buy.

The pressure mounts.

What if we’re not in the mood? What if we’re sad? What if we’ve lost a loved one (or several)? What if we’re depressed?

Holidays are times for reminiscing. Memories of what we once had swim before our eyes. We become hyper-aware of who and what we’ve lost.

Amid the smiling faces, there are wounded hearts.

Grief is lonely thing. Surrounded by gaiety, a broken heart can feel more alone and isolated than ever. No one wants to hurt for the holidays, but some of us do.

If you’re hurting these holidays, what can you do?

Here are three tips for navigating this stressful and emotionally confusing time.

1. Manage those expectations.

One question to ask yourself might be, “Exactly whose game am I playing here?”

Instead of plowing ahead as usual, pause and take a good look at your expectations and plans. What do you want this holiday to be like? What’s honestly possible and realistic? What do you want to do, how, when, and with whom?

This is the season of overwhelm. Take a deep breath and choose to focus on a few things. What’s most important? In your mind, what’s non-negotiable?

Along the way it might be good to let those close to you know you’re doing things differently this year. This will help manage their expectations too.

2. Make a simple plan to remember loved ones who’ve passed on.

Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Speak their name. Talk about them. Share their story. Invite others to share a special memory or what they miss most.

Holidays are a wonderful time to honor the special people who now reside in our hearts rather than next to us.

3. Be kind to yourself.

You can do more than merely survive. Take your heart and health seriously. Pace yourself. Exercise. Get good nutrition. Hydrate. Rest. Pursue wellness.

If you love yourself well through this time, that love will spill over onto family and friends as well. The best gift you can give them is a healthy you.

Watch those expectations. Decide what’s most important and focus there. Simplify. Honor loved ones who are no longer here. Be kind to yourself along the way.

These holidays might be tough and stressful, but they can still be good. Take your heart seriously and make it so.

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We get battered with disappointment, estrangement, abandonment, rejection, break-ups, illness, disabilities, and death. Grief is familiar to most of us.

Fundamentally, life is about relationships. It makes sense then that people around us will have great influence and impact during times of loss and pain, one way or another.

Here are five important people you will meet in your grief journey.

1. The hyper-critical judge. 

These people compare and evaluate. You’ll recognize their voice easily. “Be strong. Get over it. Pull yourself together. Move on.”

Hyper-critical judges don’t like tears. They pick you apart, bit by bit. They’re discouraging. They can kill your heart. They’re toxic. Avoid them like the plague.

If you must interact with them (family and co-workers, for example), put on your armor first. Don’t give them access to your heart. Quick to point out your faults, they ignore their own. They deal with your issues as a smokescreen to hide theirs.

When the hyper-critical judge shows up, breathe deeply, protect your heart, and let them pass on by.

2. The well-meaning relative, friend, or co-worker. 

These folks want to help but don’t know how. Thinking they need to say something, they stammer out platitudes. “At least they’re not suffering anymore.” At least they’re in a better place.” “At least you had them as long as you did.” “At least…”

Chances are your life is well-populated with these well-meaning people. Keep your expectations low. They can’t understand. They’re trying, but they can’t get to where you are.

When they say unhelpful things, release them quickly. If you can, smile and forgive. Relate to them as you want to, but it’s probably wise not to entrust them with the tender parts of your soul right now.

3. The fixer. 

These people are convinced they know what you should do. They don’t enter your grief with you, but they’re full of ideas on how to fix it. “You need to get out more.” “This works, so you need to do it.” “Go to a support group.” “You need counseling.”

Fixers tell you what to do and then disappear, only to reappear later with more advice you haven’t asked for. They’ll share their self-styled, fix-it-quick wisdom anywhere – restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores, hospitals, coffee shops, street corners, clothing stores, churches, sporting events, etc. Fixers are everywhere, and they have an answer for everything.

Some fixers have good hearts. Your pain distresses them. They don’t know how to meet you in your grief, so they pull out their magic wand to whisk the pain away. Be merciful and forgiving. There’s some fixer in all of us.

You don’t need fixers at present. If possible, don’t let their darts of advice penetrate too far.

4. The safe person. 

Safe people are amazing.

They meet you where you are. They enter your grief and exist with you there, even if it’s only for a few moments. They have no agenda other than supporting you.

They don’t try to fix. They don’t have magic-wand advice. They don’t pretend they didn’t see you in the store. They aren’t terrified by pain and suffering.

Safe people are great listeners. They know that words are overrated. They possess an ability to hear not only your words but your heart. Compassion exudes from them.

How do you find them? Be a safe person yourself. Safe people are magnets for each other.

5. The fellow griever. 

Grief is lonely, but the road of loss is well traveled and densely populated.

Permeated with obstacles, this road winds, curves, climbs, falls, and often doubles-back on itself. Some are quite familiar with this terrain. They have traveled here often and know the emotions, challenges, and frustrations well.

These fellow travelers “get it.” They have allowed grief to cultivate compassion rather than bitterness. Capable of embracing and caring for your heart, they can be treasured companions on this precarious path.

Fellow grievers are around you right now – in support groups, online grief forums, and other venues frequented by those whose worlds have been altered by loss. Already on the grief journey, they can be wonderfully supportive.

People will make all the difference.

People will have a massive impact on you in times of loss. Avoid hyper-critical judges who will only add to your pain. Be aware of friends, relatives, or co-workers who mean well but can’t provide the support you need. Watch out for fixers who won’t take your grief seriously. Learn to recognize safe people and fellow grievers who can enter your pain and become hope-giving companions.

Take your heart seriously. Grieve well. You’re more important than you know.

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Loss is painful. Grief is challenging. We never get over people. We’re not designed to.

Life is about relationships. We’re wired for connection. No wonder we don’t do separation well. When someone we love departs, they leave a hole in our hearts.

As a hospice chaplain and grief counselor, I’m in daily contact with loss and death. Grief is part of the atmosphere I breathe. Every interaction reminds me how crucial it is to live now and live well.

Recently, I had the honor of speaking at a Hospice Celebration of Life service. Several hundred people came, some with pictures in hand, to pay tribute to and honor loved ones who died over the last year. As I looked out at that sea of faces, I could see the grief in their eyes. Emotional pain mixed with a quiet reverence permeated the room.

As one attendee put it, “I’m alive, but heartbroken. I’ll never be the same.”

No, we will never be the same. How could we be? Someone we love is missing.

I began my talk with, “I’m so glad you’re here. Tonight, we’re here to remember, to honor those we’ve lost, and to express our love for them. You’re here because you loved them, and you love them still.”

I went on to share five practical ways they could remember, honor, and celebrate their loved one. I would like to share these with you today because how you grieve matters, both for you and the world around you.

If you’re hurting from a loss, is it possible to grieve well, honor the one you’ve lost, and still engage in life?

Absolutely. Here are five action steps you can begin to take immediately.

1. Speak their name. 

Names are powerful. Just a few letters can mean so much.

Say their name out loud and often. See their face. Picture their smile. They matter, and so do you. Speak their name.

2. Tell their story.

Tell your stories of them to whomever will listen. Share those memories that nothing and no one can take from you. Telling their story – which in many ways is also your story – will help you process your grief and begin to heal.

And as you share, you’ll see them in your mind’s eye. You will remember. Telling their story is part of loving them. It’s also part of taking your own broken heart seriously.

Tell their story.

3. Live their legacy. 

What really mattered to them? What was their life about? Let something that was important to them be important to you. Continue the cause. Serve in their stead. Give. Live their legacy.

In many ways, they are not gone. They are a part of you. They deeply impacted you and contributed to who you have become. Let them inspire you to serve for the greater good.

Live their legacy.

4. Honor them on special days.

Our calendars are littered with special times – birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and many more. These are wonderful opportunities to intentionally remember them and express your love for them.

Light a candle. Gather with others and share memories. Write them a letter or card. Set up an empty chair. Be creative. Be proactive. Make a plan. Keep it simple.

Don’t dread these times and let them hijack you. Take action. Honor them on special days.

5. Love them by taking care of yourself.

A wonderful way to honor your loved one is to take the best care of yourself possible. Make this number one on your priority list. You owe it to yourself and those who love you to be the best, healthiest version of yourself possible.

As a bonus, you’ll feel better overall and everyone who encounters you will experience the trickle-down effect of your conscientious self-care.

Grief is draining, demanding, and exhausting. Honor them by taking care of you. You’ll be serving those around you as well, perhaps without even knowing it.

Speak their name. Tell their story. Live their legacy. Honor them on special days. Love them (and others) by taking care of yourself.

Imagine if we all did this. The growth and healing we would experience would be stunning. We would reap gains from our losses. And we might just live more meaningful, passionate lives than ever before.

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