We are broken, cracked open to the core.  And we remain cocooned within covered in a blanket of pain.

At some point, having journeyed deep into the pain of grief, and with the love, support and encouragement of others, we begin to look up and realize there can still be some living to do, albeit in a different form.

And so we pull back those drapes that have done their good job of closing us off from the outside world that continues on, and we begin to peek out towards the light.

We are called upon to reconfigure our life, to adjust and transition into a new life, a new normal.

Here are 4 important things to know about grief and a new normal:

1. Grief is here to stay, to some degree. It is a sign of love and significance we hold to the person, thing or situation we lost.  We move through grief. The intensity won’t be the same as with the initial impact; but just as we will always feel the love, we will naturally feel the sadness and longing of the loss that can never be reclaimed.  The stronger the connection to that which was lost, the more intense the grief. The good news is we can still go on and grow on.  We can hold pain and joy together.
2. We begin to let go of our expectations and dreams of what could’ve been, of the future we will no longer have, of all that we had hoped for. And we begin to attach to new possibilities and new dreams.  We start to accept and open up to our new reality.  Our sights are now set on the different, on the change, on the fact that ‘this certainly isn’t what I expected but it’s what is now’.  The ‘what is’ becomes the work and new life to rebuild. We integrate the loss as it becomes a part of our life tapestry and seek to pave the way for a new path.

3. Making mean from loss helps in creating a new normal. As grief expert David Kessler states, “Loss is what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”   It doesn’t take away grief but it helps  us to move forward.  We look outside ourselves towards a broader perspective.  “What can I do with what’s happened to me?”  Some will look to help others going through similar painful circumstances.  Some of the greatest organizations have been started out of loss and sorrow.  We look to fill that gaping hole with something of significance, some good, something meaningful.
4. We come to realize it’s not what happens to us but how we respond. That is our choice. As we heal emotionally, we begin to evolve and grow. We take our pain and loss and use it as a springboard for growth and enhancement. A sense of renewal lights our way forward.

We obviously don’t ask for the pain and suffering, but once it’s here, it is up to us what we do with it, how we live on with it. It’s in allowing ourselves to go through the pain and grief that we come through it and can look to rebuild our life into a new normal. As we can hold pain and joy together, we hold broken and whole together.  We are richer for it and have that much more to give out to the world.  As Leonard Cohen so beautifully wrote in his song, Anthem, “There is a crack, a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.”

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Here are some ways we can use our inner resources, yes, our choices, in navigating our way through the inevitable dark times that will find us as we circle our globe of life:

1. Permission: We need to allow ourselves to feel all our emotions. Permission to feel is a benevolent act we can gift ourselves. It’s only when we embrace those uncomfortable negative feelings that they begin to lose some of their toxicity and loosen their strangling grip around us. Not heeding their outcry only gives them more power to uproot us later on. So we cry it out in the shower with the hot water pouring down, adding to our stream of tears and eventually washing them away, for now.
2. Patience: Being patient with ourselves is a form of self-compassion. As we know, patience is a virtue; we need to use it with ourselves. The more we push against our difficulty and our uncomfortable feelings, the more it keeps coming at us. Going into the pain of our dark times is what enables us to come through it, as counterintuitive as that may seem. So we need to hold on and be patient with ourselves as we would to another. Self-talk such as, “This is really hard right now but go easy on yourself, be patient and you’ll get through step-by-step.” We normalize, “I just want this to be over, it’s too hard” by saying to ourselves, “Yes, of course, but I can do this one day at a time.”
3. Perseverance: We need to stay the course during our challenging times. As hard as it is, we need to find the hope in the feelings of hopelessness. Winston Churchill’s famous line says it all:”If you’re going through hell, keep going.” And remember, it is a choice here in how we respond. Finding the small bits of joy can keep us afloat. Write a list of things that bring you joy, as small as smelling lavender, and then go and incorporate one or two into your daily life. Watch that movie that makes you laugh; laughing is a good respite that enables us to return to the difficult reality with a bit of added fuel. We look for ways to fill our bucket so we can persevere.
4. Purpose: Our purpose here is what gets us up in the morning, what gets us out of bed. (It’s not the existential purpose of our existence here on earth.) Having this as a guiding light can be a great coping tool because it keeps us connected to something beyond our challenging situation. It provides a function where we can feel useful and productive. When I was ready to prematurely return our foster puppy dog because of his naughty and unruly behavior, I focused on my original purpose in taking on this project to begin with. It was to give back and do something worthwhile for people with disabilities as this was a program that raised and trained service dogs. Reconnecting with that larger purpose and cause strengthened my resolve in resuming the work it took to train our little pup well. When we are clear and focused on our purpose, it can an help us stay afloat through those dark times.

We have what it takes to navigate our challenging times. We may fall for awhile but we don’t have to stay fallen. We can rise up again. We must believe that and hold onto hope for easier and lighter times. A longer scope and a wider perspective are needed.  And while we’re mucking through it all, giving ourselves permission to feel lousy, being patient and good to ourselves, persevering and staying connected to a purpose beyond our daily difficulties can carry us through to brighter times.

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The status quo of before no longer exists. Adjustment, flexibility, adaptability all come into play when the one constant in life – change – sets in.  And how much more so when the change is something awful, something that breaks us open and exposes our insides to the torrential downpour of grief.

What will our life now look like when our kids are no longer at home and the house is eerily quiet, when that feeling of being needed is replaced by a hole. We almost long to do their laundry and prepare their meals.

Who are we when we are no longer working, when we lose our professional job identification and description?  What becomes the nucleus of our day when we are no longer waking up to the routine of a job?

These natural life transitions call for connecting to new goals, new priorities and finding new meaning and purpose in our daily new lives.

The more tragic life- changes call for groping through the darkness, tentatively stepping slowly as each foot lands on painful and uneven terrain. We stop often, continuing to see nothing but darkness. But something inherent in our humanness pushes on onward, instinctually knowing there will eventually be hints of light.

What are the steps to help us begin to straighten up as we crawl through the tunnel of gloom?

Here are 4 ways to start to rebuild our life after it’s been knocked down by natural and adverse change and the pain of loss and grief:

1. Letting ourselves feel: We check in and notice how we’re feeling.  We acknowledge and welcome in all those painful and uncomfortable emotions, those that we’d rather avoid and push away.  As Tony Robbins says, we dance with our fear. The more we push it away, the more it resists and stays stuck. It’s natural to feel sad, anxious, lonely when an upset has occurred. We normalize it. “Of course I’m so sad; I just don’t know what to do with it.”  We sit with it, as hard as that seems.

2. Self-Care: We naturally tend to a physical wound – we put ointment on it, a band-aide, a wrapping if needed. But we’re not too comfortable tending to an emotional injury. We don’t know what to do when our feelings are out-of-sorts. But we do need to take care of our hurting heart, our empty soul, the pit that sits lodged in our stomach. We can give ourselves time off from the regular routine of the day and do what helps soothe us. Sometimes that’s doing nothing. And that’s okay. It’s obviously different for everyone but it could look like listening to music, getting into bed early with a book and a lavender-lit candle, taking a walk, going through old letters and cards. What feels self-nourishing?  What feels comforting to our broken spirit?
3. Self-Talk: We usually do a pretty good job of talking to our friends when they’re upset and going through a tough time. We’re encouraging, benevolent and compassionate.  But how are we when we talk to ourselves?  And we do talk to ourselves through our thoughts, and dare I say, recriminations. We need to become better friends to ourselves especially when going through challenging situations, and talk to ourselves like we’d talk to a friend.  “This is really hard now. I’m scared I’ll never get back to myself. Yes, it is. Let yourself just be now and you’ll get through it…..” Talk and answer yourself.  Write it down, think it, talk to the mirror. Mirror-talking can feel strange but it is a way of really looking at ourselves in our pain and becoming more compassionate to our own self.
4. What Matters: At the height of emotional pain it can feel like nothing matters anymore. We might be in a complete existential void. We oftentimes want to just withdraw, not do much and stay cocooned. But at some point, through the rubble of pain, we start to connect, even in the smallest of ways, to what’s important to us. It could be watering the plants so they don’t die; or reaching out to a friend who just became a grandma. Doing things that are meaningful begins to anchor us to our lives once again and to all that we value. It’s a step towards re-engagement with life.

We look to integrate and accept the loss and change and slowly rebuild a newly designed life, rich with renewed meaning, purpose and joy.

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