Have you ever found yourself thinking along these lines?

• “When I’m trying to communicate with my spouse after a long day, I often feel numb or stuck in my head worrying about work, chores, the kids, etc.”
• “When I’m trying to make a sale or pitch an idea at work, I often become ‘a talking head.’”
• “When I’m on stage giving a speech, I often feel I’m losing the emotional connection to my audience.”
• “I can’t even begin to imagine a life that’s any different from this. This is just how life is.”

Well, you’re certainly not alone. The core issue in all communication and personal transformation is emotional disconnection. The solution: emotional connection.

As a Juilliard Theater Graduate with over 20 years of working on the stage, TV, and film, I’ve spent many years studying the art of people, emotions, vulnerability, and expression. While not everyone can relate to the lens of performing arts, I’ve found the underlying philosophy and approach that many actors use to tap into their emotions, transcend to all walks of life.

Here is an effective question that many actors (as well as lawyers, leaders, and other members of the human race) use to become authentic, believable “communicators from the heart.” Which is something we could all use a bit of practice in mastering.

For those unaware, the Stanislavski system has had an enormous influence on the American theater. Konstantin Sergeievich Stanislavski (1863–1938) was a Russian actor and theater director. One of Stanislavski’s methods for achieving the truthful pursuit of a character’s emotion was his ‘magic if.’ Actors are required to ask ‘magic if’ questions of their characters and themselves to find the emotional truth on stage.

For example, here are a few questions an actor might ask themselves to emotionally connect with a person or situation:

• “What if I were a murderer walking toward my next victim’s house and that victim was my best friend?
• “What if I were in love with a woman who was secretly in love with my father?”
• “What if I were a child who could not use their legs but longed to dance again?”

When it comes to the rest of us, who are not actors, asking a version of this magic what if question will allow you to align yourself to a particular emotional state. This can be whatever state you need to be in to take your partner, your audience, or your listeners – whoever they may be, to where they need to go emotionally for a successful interaction.

Ask yourself: “What if I were to awaken those I spoke with and help ignite the feeling of genuine excitement in them? What if I were to inspire them or help them feel safe?”

When it comes to moving our children, our team members, or audiences into action, we spend far too much time asking how to get them on their feet instead of what if they did get on their feet? What if creates the possibility. What if gets to the jackpot: the feeling place.

And what if your focus is not about transforming your audience or anyone outside of you. What if it’s the man or woman staring back at you in the mirror?

“What if my life looked different right now? What if I were living in a different place? With a different person? A different life? What if I were a different me?”

The magic if gets actors out of the dreaded overthinking place that puts all actors (and all of us humans) in a bog. None of us want to get trapped where we only connect intellectually rather than emotionally to the idea that needs to be expressed. The magic if gets you out of your head and into your heart. Through the magic if, you are able to ground yourself within your imagination where there is fertile ground for possibilities to take root.

This is the missing ingredient that will transform your relationships at work, in life, and with yourself into something exceptionally meaningful.

The magic if allows actors to use (and lose) themselves entirely in the role. It is the doorway into the realm of personal connection on stage, and it’s a doorway into the powerful personal connection you can make with your clients, your family, your audience, and with yourself right here, right now. Bonus – no, you don’t have to have any acting experience whatsoever to dive in and start playing with the magic if in your own life!

What if you were caught at the crossroads of the greatest decision point in your life? What choices are you going to make from here on out? Are they going to be overintellectualized decisions or ones that feel expansive in your heart? What if… you finally made the choice that was on the other side of your fear?

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When I’m called in to help a lawyer discover the right story for his client, I’m always on the lookout for it—because it’s always there. It’s something you learn to spot when you’re in the business of storytelling and human motivation. But most importantly, it’s something we can all look for within ourselves when we feel stuck in “I can’t” and are exhausted from pleading to the universe for a get-out-of-jail-free card.

If you were to ask anyone why we all love the underdog story, you’d likely hear the same answer: we love stories about people who don’t give up. Take movies like Rudy or Million Dollar Baby, and especially the crowning champion of underdog films—Rocky. The powerful, evergreen story of a fighter. For my fellow movie lovers, let me walk you through an impactful metaphor to set the stage.

Looking Through The Lens of Rocky’s Story

Balboa grew up in the grease stains of South Philly. For Rocky, winning became something much greater than just what he needed to accomplish in the ring. He was fighting to prove to everyone in his life—Mick, Adrian, the entire boxing gym of thirsty fighters, and himself—that he could do it. That he could go toe-to-toe against a legend in the ring, the undefeated champion Apollo Creed. And what mattered inside the ring? If he could just stay on his feet, for Rocky, that was his win.

You’ll remember, though, that the end of the movie came with a bittersweet truth. Rocky lost. Yes, our underdog lost that battle. But look at what he won. The victory for him was about far more than the ring fight. The greater fight he won was outside the ring.

So why do we love these stories? Because there’s something within them that reminds us of who we are and who we want to be: victors, not victims. People who don’t give up in the face of enormous odds stacked against them. People who are fighting for something much greater than themselves. The victor storyline is always part of a greater story—our own.

How to Shift Out of Victimhood

Try this. Let’s keep it simple because, in truth, it isn’t as complicated as our minds make it out to be. The next time you want to say what you “can’t,” focus on what you are trying to do—whether or not you’ve accomplished your goal. Focusing on what you are trying to do will keep you out of the victim trap and in the right role: always the victor, never the victim. It will keep you hungry to keep fighting for your goals and dreams.

We often tend to think too big when it comes to being a victor in our daily lives. But maybe being the victor is simply getting out of bed in the morning or saying the words you’ve needed to say to a co-worker—even if it’s as simple as “no.” Unfortunately, due to our fears and wild imaginations, we often think of those game-changing moments as larger-than-life events. Therefore, the real game-changers often slip by, unnoticed or unappreciated by us in the routine of our daily lives.

There’s nothing small about a small moment when you are in pain. Those small moments truly are enormous. Don’t ignore them! They have an ironic way of leading to unexpected giant moments. You have the power at any moment to keep embracing your inner victor, even if it takes losing some battles—like Rocky—along the way. As they say, life is a marathon, not a race.

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Sounds good, but how in the world do we see the world differently when an old story of pain literally imprisons us from becoming who we really can become? How is true change possible?

Look no further than the great movies and plays… look at the characters.

The truth is, as simplistic as it sounds, you can learn to redefine who you need to be in the world once you are able to shift your perspective and envision your life’s journey through a basic understanding of how a movie or a stage character operates. True personal freedom comes when you’re able to see yourself as a character (hero) on a journey to face your greatest challenge: to become your greatest you… who you need to be.

“If you could save a life with this story would it be worth it?” No one in the prison workshops I’ve facilitated has ever said no. Why? Because the new story is no longer about you. In 2011, co-developing a theater-behind-bars workshop in prisons across Colorado, I witnessed true change become possible when inmates saw their old roles literally as what they actually were… Roles, painful masks, that needed to be discarded.

The truth is, everyone has the inner ability to radically shift from imprisonment to empowerment.

Imagine yourself nervously, but thrillingly about to step into the new role. Your greatest you.

Here are four crucial steps to help prepare you for the greatest role of your lifetime.

1. Who am I talking to?

In a movie or play, a character is always in a relationship with someone, and in order for dialogue to exist they must be talking to someone (even if that relationship is with themselves). Shift this idea to your relationship with the world. Ask yourself (as an actor playing a character would ask), “what is my connection to the world?”  Dare to see the people in your life literally as scene partners to help you see who you are (your character) and need to be to step into your greater role.

2. What do I really want?

In a movie or play, characters are suddenly (and painfully) thrust into a situation that emboldens them to discover what they really want and what really matters to them on their journey. Embrace your “knock knock” moment (this moment might be the moment when life gets too uncomfortable to not ask this question) and ask yourself what do I really want, right now, right here in this moment? If you really ask the right question, you’ll really get the right answer. You will be in your path to living enraptured with your role and not just going through the motions.

3. What is getting in the way of what I really want?

In a movie or play, the greatest character emerges in the face of great conflict. Without conflict in a movie or play, the story would fall apart. Imagine Jaws… without the shark! Your true power and potential can emerge when you stop fighting your conflict and see it as your greatest opportunity to leverage your fear to get what you really want.

4. What is the change, what could change?

In a movie or play, from beginning to end, the greatest characters go through powerful changes. They transform, hopefully for the good. But they change. When you can deeply envision what the greatest change in your life could look like and feel like, you’re on the road to making true and lasting change possible and experiencing a more electrified and passionate way to live your life.

Seeing yourself through a deeper understanding of character on the world’s stage will help you get in touch with the desire and courage you need to transform your greatest fears into your greatest triumphs. Imagine your new life filled with wonder and a sense of decadence you never experienced before, but always knew was possible. Imagine becoming enraptured with your new story, your greater story?

You’re already in the play… why not cast yourself in the right role?

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A close friend of mine described to me how she was gathered with her family around a beloved aunt who was dying in the hospital. The group surrounded her were crying quietly. That is until one of the aunts, the older sister of this aunt who was dying, began a diatribe of tormented tears. Always dramatic, Aunt Ruth, sobbed, “Oh, my sweet little sister, Helen! You were always so much better than me. You were so innocent. So beautiful. You were the best of us! This should be me, not you!”

The group went quiet impacted by such over-the-top handwringing. Finally, one of the cousins said, “Save that for therapy, Aunt Ruth.” The tears turned into laughter. The painful farewell was now a gentle goodbye and a shift had happened just like that. It was a healing moment for everyone.

The gift of humor.

There is always a thin line between tragi-comic challenges we all face. No matter what the blues are before you, there are moments to uplift and transform you if you allow them.

Here are three simple ways to help you access the gift of humor in every moment—in your relationships with your partners, your work, your connection to friends and family… and most importantly, with you. Look at these three simple healing ways as the thrill of going on a scavenger hunt when you were a kid. You’re mining for gold—and that’s the gift of humor.

1. Expect the Unexpected. When you let go of what you think this present moment (or your entire life) should look like, humor takes it’s cue and takes center stage. No matter how tragic the circumstances of your life may be, something funny will emerge.

2. Trust that Humor Heals. When you embrace the idea that humor is good for the body and soul, you will stop judging this present painful moment as a No Humor Zone and something that you might need to take the next step forward… with a little humor, you may even change the trajectory of the way your life is heading in a very big way.

3. Spend Time with a Child. Spend time with a child or a pet and let them do their pure and delightful things that cause you to smile and even laugh out loud. Humor allows you to embrace them… and this present moment… more fully.

When you laugh, when you allow yourself, when you give permission to yourself to laugh and trust that a little humor goes a long way? Your heart heals. And the scene that may unfold in this present moment may turn out to be better than you could have ever imagined.

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But what do we really want?

COVID-19 has given us all an opportunity to see what the most important thing in our lives is. And that is what it is that gives our life its greatest meaning and purpose. For a great many of us, that meaning and purpose is something that is greater than ourselves.

What’s your objective?

If we return to the stage, for the actor, The Stanislavski system of Objectives refers to a character’s wants within a play. He theorized that the character will always want to achieve something by the end of the play and that every decision they make should lead them towards that goal in some way.

So how does this apply to us—the vast majority of people who are not actors or have zero affiliation with the stage? The truth is, actor or not, most us don’t go through life carefully considering every action we take and it’s role within our life’s purpose … but what if we did?         

In a movie or play, an objective is a goal that a character wants to achieve. For the actor, this is often worded in a question form as “What do I want?” Examples- I want her to love me, I want to get the job, I want an apology, I want to get out jail… An objective for a particular character may simply be “to pour a cup of coffee.” For each scene, the actor must discover the character’s objective. Every objective is different for each actor involved because they are based on the characters of the script.

If we apply this to our daily lives, we all want something, day to day, moment to moment, don’t we? Of course we do. Even if it’s as simple as saying, “I want to look nice before I go shopping… even if I’m wearing a mask!” My objective, right now is to write this article. It’s quite a simple objective but an objective it is, nonetheless. My objective for the day is to have a productive day despite being really tired. Moment to moment, day to day, ditch to ditch… But what if we paid better attention to what it is that we really wanted beyond the mere moment to moment?

What’s Your Super-Objective?

If we return to the stage, a super-objective, in contrast, focuses on the entire play as a whole. A super-objective directs and connects an actor’s overall choice of objectives from scene to scene, moment to moment. You might look at the super-objective as a guiding force or magnet to pull the actor along his or her journey on stage. The super-objective serves as the final goal that a character wishes to achieve within the script.

And so it is with us.

Your Greater Story (and we all have one) is another way of looking at the super-objective.  Thought leader, Simon Sinek, calls it The Why. Call it any name you like, it is that which gives our life its purpose and meaning. And it is the power we are all looking to connect to, on a day to day, moment to moment basis to radically transform our lives and make our greatest impact on humanity.

Actor or not, one of the most powerful questions you can ever ask yourself is “what do I really want?”

We all have a super-objective, and a greater story, waiting in the wings. All we simply need to do is awaken to it and allow it to connect and direct us into the actions of our daily lives.

When we are able to awaken to our life purpose, challenges, obstacles, and conflict take on a whole different meaning.

They become our greatest gifts to help take us the next step into living our Greater Story.

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