In essence, communication is about talking and listening. Sounds simple, right? What makes communication challenging, however, is that both people need to feel heard, affirmed, understood, and valued. After falling in love and choosing to spend your lives together, the question for you as a couple is: Do you have the skills to do the above? Do you understand your style of loving your spouse? There is a deep connection that takes place when your partner feels understood, heard, respected, and valued—it’s a form of intimacy.

So, what are these skills? You may wonder, what should you do when you need to talk about your relationship or something that is going on? It is crucial that you and your spouse know how to focus on each other. For example, make sure you are both rested and peaceful, and that there are no interruptions when you have something important to discuss. Be wise and smart about the timing of your conversations. If you have children, don’t do it with them present. For instance, you may want to get up early in the morning before the kids are awake and have some time alone to talk and listen without distractions. Alternatively, you could meet for lunch or dinner—just the two of you!

Additionally, make sure you are not under stress. Don’t talk when you are feeling angry, tired, or stressed from work or any other negative feelings. It’s best to wait and choose a time when you can think clearly and focus, so that both you and your spouse can feel heard and understood. Pay attention to the pace of your discussion. Notice: Is your conversation loud? Make sure you have eye contact. Don’t speak with your back turned to your spouse while doing something else, especially when they are engaged in another activity in the same room. Turn off technological gadgets such as your cell phone, computer, or TV. Sit together, facing each other, and practice the following suggestions.

Productive communication occurs when you and your spouse can create quiet, uninterrupted, unhurried, stress-free time. When you hear your spouse’s statement, before replying, make sure to repeat back to them what you heard, and check if you understood everything correctly. Listen carefully to see if there was anything you may have missed in your own cognitive process—ask them to repeat it if necessary. Once you’ve received all the information, then you can respond.

Moreover, in order to know how to talk to your spouse, it’s essential that you understand what to say—specifically, the right words to use. Connect with your deep feelings, thoughts, needs, and yearnings. These are parts of you that must be expressed if you are going to be understood, valued, and heard.

The ability to talk well and say the right words depends on the following:

1. How you feel about yourself: Your self-perception plays a significant role in how you bring yourself into the relationship and the words you choose to express yourself. It’s important to value yourself and recognize that what you have to say is worth sharing. This has to do with what you believe about yourself. Some individuals may feel their words aren’t worthwhile. Your sense of self is crucial in the relationship, so take responsibility for your well-being. Consider spending some time in therapy to figure things out for yourself. This step is vital for understanding your own style of loving and relating to others. In therapy, you can also explore patterns from past relationships that may have brought you to this point. Don’t be afraid of introspection. Many people don’t truly understand what’s going on inside themselves. In our fast-paced society, surrounded by the noise of technology—TV, radio, fast-speed internet, work, and constant cell phone calls—it’s easy to lose touch with what’s happening internally. There is a rich, exciting, and wonderful world inside you, so take the time to access it.
2. Criticism and judgment: Perhaps you’re tired of being criticized or judged. Many clients share this concern in counseling. Often, the root of this issue lies not with your spouse, but with an important figure from your past. These experiences can be hurtful, leading you to remain quiet most of the time. Your silence can affect your relationship. It’s not that you don’t have anything to say, but the fear of vulnerability and restrictive communication patterns learned from past experiences may keep you distant from your spouse. You may be protecting yourself from potential judgment or criticism.
3. In summary: Be open to learning new skills for your relationship. Pay attention to your style of communication and loving, and examine your internal process. Getting to know yourself better through therapy with a qualified therapist can help you discover how to express what truly matters to you and connect with your spouse/partner.

The post Tips on How to Talk and Listen to Your Spouse appeared first on .

Sadly the above scenario applies to so many couples, married or not. This may not be your present situation but if you do the following it will be. The problem is that days and weeks and even years go by and you keep putting off that which bothers you and any conflicts which don’t get addressed effectively, and the next thing you know it’s too late. One day you wake up and you realize that you can no longer do it; you are so tired and hurt that you feel no matter what — there is nothing out there to fix it and help you to save your relationship or change your situation. Many times couples go into therapy or counseling when they have waited too long and it may be too late, so the work and the issues that they want to address appear to be very difficult or hopeless to resolve or grow from. My serious advise to you is Please Don’t Wait. As soon as you feel uncomfortable, stuck and confused get help! Pay attention to the story you are telling yourself about that situation. I constantly meet with people who didn’t do anything about their problems because they felt scared or told themselves that somehow it’s going to go away. They put up with the situation until it gets worse. Waiting and let the time pass you by, is not the solution. Deal with your reality and the pain. You can find the courage and the strength to deal with it, with the help of someone who is trained. I always say feeling the pain, is the cue that it’s time to change something you have been doing that is no longer working but it’s hurting you more. Pain can be your friendly alert that it’s up to you to take a step. Don’t let your pride and your old habits get in the way of saving the relationship or losing the person you love. Arguments and disagreements have a lot to do with your own internal process, by this I mean, how you have been handling your relationships, your responses and your decisions that create obstacles for you. Most probably you have been doing this for a long time and it has something to do with your style of loving and attaching to others. Serious issues need consistent attention and therapeutic dialogues that can help you to learn and discover better ways of living your life. It’s really hard to make changes by simply reading a list of to-do-things, or “how to do it” directions. Whether needing to get help individually for yourself or as a couple, please do yourself a huge favor and get help. Good and effective therapy helps individuals or the couples understand the underlying issues that lead to certain behavior and resolve conflicts and improve their relationship and even their responses to life. If your partner is not willing to go in with you, it does not mean that you can’t get help for yourself. In the process of therapy you can learn and gain more awareness and understanding about yourself and learn the tools to communicate effectively with others. You might have great and loving intentions, but don’t forget the reality is that each person in the relationship brings his or her own values, ideas, opinion and personal history into the relationship. Later they find that they don’t match their partner’s values and beliefs, and as a result they are disappointed and frustrated. And guess what, they keep putting off the issues and problems to pile up and one day they wake up and they say: “I can’t do this anymore”, “I don’t want to be married to you”, or “I am done.” And when they go to therapy it’s too late and they are just in counseling so that they can have a third person present to help them bring closure to the relationship. This is extremely sad and painful.

Dear reader, when you see differences and feel stuck, it’s does not mean that your relationship is bound to conflict. It simply means that you need help and the first step is to face and take the step of getting help. Don’t wait for when the pain is unbearable and you simply want to take off, or lost everything, rather get help as soon as you can. Meet with a couple of different therapists who are licensed and experienced, and choose the one that seems a good fit for you, and choose the one that you feel you can connect with. Ask questions and be open to the process. Therapy is meant to help you.

If you are facing issues related to infidelity, anger, addictions, sex, blended families, separation/divorce, depression, finances and illness, losses, life transitions, or career changes, it’s really important to seek help and discuss your needs and your struggles with a professional. You can do this either in individual therapy or couple’s therapy. I recommend you meet with a good therapist and assess and discuss your situation and finding out what is the best course for your.

You might be dealing with a long-term secret in your life and it is seriously affecting the quality of your life and your relationships. You may be tired of living like this, and you keep finding yourself going in a circle and no matter what you do – you are not happy and satisfied with your life. Please be kind to yourself and get help.

Many people have happily improved their relationships as a result of their own individual therapy, because change in a partner always affects the other person and the relationship. Therapy can be very useful in helping partners learn, negotiate and understand the differences with each other and find solutions for themselves, so that they could have more fulfilling life.

For example, in my practice I offer a twenty-minute free consult over the phone, or you can make an appointment with me for a couple of sessions to assess your situation, and then together we can discuss what would be the best course of action for you. So I highly encourage you to make time and take care of your relationships before it’s too late.

The post Tips for Fixing the problems in Your Relationship Before it’s Too Late appeared first on .

The Roots of Domestic Violence and Abuse

Domestic violence is not as rare as we might think or hope. It doesn’t only apply to sports athletes. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I see this in various venues and professional fields, including high-level executives and professionals with any title or status you can imagine. It’s not about a specific profession, gender, or wealth. Bottom line: it’s about one thing—individuals’ early personal life experiences and training. I will expand on this and give you specific examples later in the article.

Abuse and domestic violence are highly complex, and I want to take you to the true roots of this problem. In this article, I want to introduce you to the husband and wife who have a particular bonding and relationship style, one that they each learned many years ago during their early life experiences. As a result of those early experiences, they underwent painful training, which now manifests in controlling, reactive, and abusive behavior from one spouse, while the other functions as a victim. The victim learned to respond in helpless, powerless ways, minimizing the reality of the abusive behavior. All of this is familiar to them from long ago.

This is a serious, deep wound in each individual that requires attention, treatment, and recovery.

Let me be more specific about what I’m referring to. Many times, when I am in public places—shopping, running errands, or in places like grocery stores, department stores, or even on the street—I see a parent with a preschooler or a young child. The child is whining, feeling tired, crying, complaining that they are hungry, or need to go to the bathroom—a basic need! Then I hear the parent’s reaction: the mother screams and yells, telling the child to leave her alone, or threatening the child with a list of punishments if they don’t stop whining. Finally, she tells the child to “shut up!”

Are you getting the picture? Sometimes there are even more painful words spoken in a disgusting tone to the child. Then the child responds by yelling back the same mean words they heard from their mother, with the same anger. The child talks back, saying, “I hate you.” Now, imagine this happening in a public place. If this is how a parent and child behave in public, what do you think is going on at home behind closed doors? It trembles and saddens my heart.

No, this is not an article about parenting, but what we experience in relationships with our caretakers is connected to domestic violence. I’m sharing this with you because I want to invite you to think about a few important insights and possible solutions that could help adults stop the bleeding and wounding in their abusive relationships.

Let me spell it out: we all form a particular type of attachment. Attachment is the process by which we learn how to bond with our caretakers during our upbringing. These attachment styles are shaped by our real experiences with parents who modeled and trained us in how to relate and connect with another human being. We learned how our needs could be met—or, perhaps, our needs were never met—and then we learned ways of surviving and coping in those relationships where injuries occurred, as seen in the earlier scenario. It’s because of these primary relationships that we continue to repeat these dysfunctional and painful patterns in intimate relationships. Early life experiences leave long-term impacts and footprints in our hearts, minds, and souls, which are expressed and acted out in our behavior.

So, speaking of the roots of this problem or any relationship issue, the real question is: what is the core pattern of your story? If there was ambiguity, insecurity, and inconsistency during those bonding years (the first eight to ten years of life), then the individual’s blue-print for relationships could lead to confusing, painful, and chaotic connections. These patterns often lead to unhealthy and painful marriages.

Spouses who experience abuse and domestic violence have most likely encountered chaotic homes in their early years. They are still stuck in those patterns and have not learned how to separate from them. They have no idea how to move toward growth, healing, and recovery.

We are meant to live in loving and healthy relationships. It is up to us to seek that in our lives and make changes. It is a difficult journey but not impossible. More importantly, we are not meant to do this alone. We must seek the kind of help and new training that will help us make changes and recover from old, painful patterns.

The purpose of this article is not to blame the parents, but rather to give readers insight into why these types of relationships and marriages exist. It is also to inform adults that they have new and different choices to make. When an individual’s connection and attachment style with their caretakers were sporadic, unavailable, and painful—as in the earlier scenario—their deep emotional needs were not properly met. Therefore, they carry deep and painful wounds into their adult relationships, where they react to their partners, and the cycle of chaos begins again. This is dangerous because their reactivity hurts both themselves and others. We call them the abuser (the controller), overpowering the other person, who functions as the victim in denial, feeling helpless.

The Path to Recovery and Healing

The first step to recovery is to address the underlying feelings and emotions that have never been fully addressed. The second step is to do this with someone. They cannot heal alone in isolation. We are designed to be in relationships, and it is through relationships that we also heal. Therefore, seeking the help of a seasoned therapist and participating in a supportive small group will help them create new patterns of healthy relationships. In these relationships, they can learn to connect with others authentically. They were wounded and injured in those early relationships, but it is in new and healthy relationships that they can recover, heal, and grow.

Abusive relationships require serious help and intervention. The injuries are not only the result of what went on inside the home. Sometimes, traumatic experiences outside the home, such as in the neighborhood, can also play a role.

When you constantly live in a painful, war-zone situation long enough, it becomes the norm, and you forget how much of a serious negative impact it has on your soul, heart, and mind. This is why the couple lives in denial, hiding, feeling shame, pretending, and continuing the cycle of violence until something happens and their behavior is exposed to others.

The controller/abuser becomes an adult with thoughts like, “Don’t question me,” “I didn’t do anything wrong,” and “Feel the shame in silence.” Controllers also struggle with authority and act impulsively. Victims, on the other hand, tell themselves, “This isn’t so bad,” because growing up in chaotic homes, their realities become distorted. They minimize the situation and feel numb while living in intolerable circumstances. Victims may believe it’s their fault or tell themselves that anything is better than being alone. They might think, “This happens to other couples, not just me,” or feel hopeless. The victim stays in denial, telling themselves, “I will be good.” These are just a few of the ways they talk to themselves.

These are the belief systems formed and shaped from their chaotic backgrounds and painful early life experiences.

The good news is that there is hope. It all depends on not waiting any longer in these destructive patterns but having the courage to take responsibility and get good, effective individual therapy. Only when it is safe enough can they engage in good couple’s therapy after showing their readiness.

As a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist in Burbank, Los Angeles, I want to give you hope. I have seen couples resurrect their marriages, whether due to domestic violence or extra-marital affairs. It happens when each partner makes a true commitment to their own personal recovery, takes responsibility, becomes vulnerable about their pain, and moves toward healing. Only then can they recover from their previous dysfunctional styles.

The key to this recovery is accepting reality and learning to ask for needs in relationships while practicing appropriate boundaries within the marriage. Many people who come from chaotic and painful backgrounds don’t know how to practice healthy boundaries in relationships and marriages.

The post The Roots to the Domestic Violence Behavior appeared first on .