In-house separations are usually short-term and offer couples a cool-down period during particularly intense times of conflict or crisis. They typically work best when one or both partners simply need space to sort out their feelings and decide whether to detach or have minimal contact for a brief period. This kind of separation often happens naturally in many relationships during high-stress times or when one or both partners want space for various reasons. Sometimes, during periods of conflict, partners will detach to cool down and regain perspective on the relationship. What’s important in an in-house separation is that each partner works toward adjusting expectations of the other for a period of time.

I always caution my clients that it’s crucial to establish clear guidelines and ground rules for an in-house separation. Without these, it can create increased tension within the home. Some couples choose an in-house separation while they are waiting for a physical one. This can work, too, as long as the ground rules are clear.

For an in-house separation to work, you must be able to at least tolerate seeing and being in the presence of your partner. You must also agree that you can act civilly around each other, as you will still need to take care of family responsibilities. If you agree to this type of separation, however, you can use it to learn how to handle the feelings that surface when your partner’s behavior triggers a reaction in you.

I teach partners and couples how to disengage from conflict situations. Not only can they prevent conflict, but with some distance and time, they can learn to re-engage and perhaps have meaningful communication instead of fighting.

Risks of In-House Separations

This type of separation is not advisable if you or your partner are so angry that you cannot be civil or control yourselves. If either of you is very emotionally dependent, an in-house separation can be particularly challenging. However, the challenge can be just what you need to learn to rely more on yourself and to discover what you really want from your partner. One of the downsides of in-house separations is that they can be used as a way of avoiding problems or punishing your partner. For this and other reasons, I strongly advise seeking counseling together during the separation period. The last thing you want to do during a separation is exacerbate an already negative pattern of distancing and poor communication. You must eventually learn to communicate with each other again about your wants, expectations, and whatever else is fueling the conflict in your relationship. You will also need to learn how to detach and reattach after periods of conflict.

It’s clear that working on self-reliance, care, and management during periods of distance and fallout with your partner is essential. During conflict, you are often emotionally on your own! Of course, an in-house separation is the least costly of separations, as no one has to bear the expense of moving or financing two households. Additionally, both partners remain available to their children as usual.

In Short, In-House Separations Are Most Effective If:

• They are short-term (three months or less) with agreed-upon time frames.
• Both partners are willing to identify and take responsibility for their part in the conflict and agree to distance themselves, detach from each other, and learn to control anger and conflict while living under the same roof.
• Ground rules are established and agreed upon so that family tasks and chores, childcare, meal times, social events, etc., can be carried out smoothly.
• Both partners agree on temporarily lowering and/or eliminating expectations of each other, and are very clear about necessary discussions regarding children, finances, and important family issues, versus personal issues between the couple, such as sleeping separately, affection, sex, and emotional sharing and communication.
• There is a plan to review what each partner has learned during the separation period and to decide what the next steps and goals will be for the partners and the relationship.

To summarize, in-house separations can be useful for both financial reasons and being available to children, provided the partners can agree to the terms and manage conflict effectively.

The post In-house Separations – Better for Children and Finances! appeared first on .

After ten years of marriage, Jen informed Joe that she wanted a separation. They have two beautiful children, ages 7 and 9, and comfortable incomes, but that is not enough for Jen. She constantly complains that Joe is not engaged in their relationship and hasn’t been for many years. Jen feels she is responsible for most of the household duties and the primary caretaking of the children. Joe hardly talks to her, and affection and sex have dropped to an all-time low. She has tried to talk to Joe, but her attempts have led to total frustration, with no response. They have even tried a couple of marriage counseling sessions, but there were no lasting results. Jen feels she is sinking into a deeper depression and has built a large wall of resentment toward Joe. Now, Jen believes the only answer is a separation.

Joe was angry and shocked when Jen told him she wanted him to find a place to live. He questioned how she could just “throw” the family away and how much this would affect the kids. He also said that she made the decision to separate without talking to him first, and he felt blindsided!

Will this couple’s separation end in tragedy, or will it offer an opportunity for change?

Why Do Couples Separate?

Couples separate for many reasons, but usually because one partner is unhappy and feels unfulfilled for what they believe is long enough. Some couples are engaged in ongoing, open warfare. There is a “defensive volley,” where each partner’s position and comments are met with resistance and anger. More passive fighters may experience dead silence and distance, as both partners harbor internal anger and resentment toward each other. Sometimes, an unhappy partner has already disengaged and become involved in an affair. The disclosure of an affair can provoke enormous emotions and prompt a physical separation. Before someone moves out of the home, couples are usually already emotionally and physically separated, often sleeping in separate bedrooms or on the couch.

Can More Space Help an Ailing Relationship?

The answer is… it depends! As a couples’ counselor, I assess how invested and committed each partner is to their relationship. At one end of my Relationship Investment-Commitment Scale* are partners who are highly invested and committed. The next level is where at least one partner says there must be change, or she will consider the relationship over at some point. The scale continues with one partner either “at the door” or having already left, with little to zero commitment. This scale helps me gauge how much effort partners are willing to put into their relationship.

Is a Separation the First Step to Divorce or Breaking Up?

Again, this depends on the motivation and determination of the partner wanting the space.

I have worked with couples on the road to divorce who changed their minds even at the last minute. The work that happens during a separation is a major factor.

During a crisis or perhaps a stuck period in a relationship, a requested separation can act as a major “wake-up call.” When couples are engaged in ongoing and unresolved conflict, space can allow partners to gain some distance from their usual interactions. This break can help lessen bruised, hurt, and angry feelings as the relationship pattern is interrupted. A physical separation can breathe new energy into an ailing and unhappy relationship.

However, space alone may not fix what has not been working. I have heard many couples say, “We tried a separation, and it didn’t work!” Upon further questioning, I discovered that they truly believed all they needed was time and distance from each other to change their relationship. After reuniting and experiencing a brief “honeymoon” period, discouraged couples reported slipping back into their old patterns of relating. It is the work done during a separation that may move couples closer or further apart.

What Are Some Common Mistakes That Couples Make During a Separation?

1. Couples often fail to focus on what they want to accomplish during a period of separation. Individual and relationship goals are not clearly defined. Without clear goals and shared responsibility, partners return to their relationship with the same expectations and behaviors that have repeatedly gotten them stuck.
2. A major oversight of separating couples is failing to manage conflict. Even though there may be more physical space, the conflicts persist, and communication remains strained. For these couples, the initial goal of a separation should be to manage conflict. Without learning how to manage conflict and improve communication, their efforts will be spent on putting out the “fires” of anger and resentment that result from disagreements over necessary tasks like finances, sharing children, household chores, and levels of intimacy in their relationship.
3. One type of separation does not fit all relationships. Often, couples decide on a “trial separation,” where one partner leaves the home for a period of time, uncertain whether they will ever reunite. There are several different types of separations, including in-house, brief, trial, pre-divorce, psychological, and therapeutic** separations that offer more options for couples.
4. Couples who engage in passive conflict and are disengaged will not necessarily improve with more physical space alone. They must learn new ways of dealing with conflict, communicating, and reinvesting in their relationship. They already know how to take time and space from each other.

A New View of Separations

Whether separations end in reconciliation or breaking up, much can be learned. During a separation, the stuck pattern of the relationship is temporarily broken. This can be a time to reflect on how well you manage on your own. Some partners are very fearful of being alone, but distance may allow you to see your relationship and partner more clearly. Encouraging partners to decide and develop what they each need to work on during a period of separation helps create focus. The separation itself can provide the “right stuff” to make you stretch and grow. A positive and proactive view of separations can help you examine who you are and what you want. Even if you decide that a relationship is over, you can learn a great deal about your contribution, which can help you make a more informed decision about your next relationship. Separation can be a true opportunity for change and growth, whether you reconcile with your partner or decide to face life on your own.

The post Couples’ Separations – A Tragedy or Opportunity appeared first on .

Compliance is Not Agreement

If one partner is aggressive and the other passive, the passive partner may feel frightened, bullied and abused. Each partner will use what he or she has learned to balance the conflict and power. Whereas one partner may yell and use putdowns and threats to express disappointment with his partner, the passive partner may simply withdraw, go silent, withdraw emotionally, affectionately, physically, sexually to protect him or herself and fight back passively. On the surface this behavior looks like compliance, but it is often not. This can again trigger the angry person to become even angrier out of desperation and not having another way to “reach” his partner. This is NOT the passive partner’s fault or responsibility!

What are your options if you are the one who is being bullied?

When one partner gets openly angry and the other shuts down from fear, this often means different strategies are necessary for each side.

• If you are the passive person, you must decide whether you want to tell your aggressive partner how unhappy you are with his/her anger directed at you. This may be difficult since the aggressive person may not listen , become angry, minimize, control and override the feedback with defensiveness, criticism and proof of how NOT OK you are when you try to express yourself. Writing down your thoughts and feelings for your partner to read may be a better way of sharing this initially. The extent and nature of your partner’s anger, the severity of your fear, and willingness of your partner to work on changing this pattern will determine how safe it is for you to attempt to talk to your partner about this. If you can say, “I’m fearful of my partner’s anger but not at risk of being emotionally or physically abused, this is a more positive sign that you may be able to share. If your partner takes responsibility for his anger and willing to get help, this is another positive sign. If there is any fear of being hurt or you have been hurt, see below. New rules for managing conflict and communication must be established. * Rules for Taking a TIME OUT and Ground Rules for Talking
• The angry person must accept responsibility for managing his/her anger and control. Remember that passive people are fearful and often avoid anger and conflict, so you will get nowhere, by raging, criticizing, blaming, bullying, demeaning, etc. your partner. Saying that “if your partner wouldn’t behave as such, it wouldn’t trigger your anger”, is asking your partner to take responsibility for your anger. Remember your partner is human too and wants to be right and feel good just like you. Try to imagine being in his/her shoes and being micromanaged and angrily put down for much of what you do. Actually this may have happened to the angry person growing up or in a previous relationship, and is now being acted out with his/her partner. Fulfilling relationships are based on acceptance and sharing power. You will often get further with a kinder, softer and more compassionate approach. Your partner may be starved for hearing something positive about him/herself from you. But you may have to deal with your own anger and underlying NOT OK feelings, insecurities and inner fears first. By doing this you will start to grow as a human being.
• A third party may help! When a couple comes to me with this pattern of conflict, I often hear the more passive person asking for help, sometimes in a very indirect way in reaching their more angry aggressive partner. This is not often expressed openly since the passive person remains fearful of triggering their partner’s anger. They are asking the counselor to intervene in this pattern. Depending on the severity of the pattern, the more aggressive partner may try to demonstrate to the counselor just how NOT OK his/her partner is. The passive partner must find his/her voice and the aggressive partner must start to work with their side of this pattern. Establishing some ground rules on managing conflict when this couple leaves counseling is very important so the safety of the passive partner is established.
• What if the angry partner refuses to get help? If the angry partner refuses to get help and wants to continue to blame you, you must decide to seek help on your own. With the help of a third person, counselor etc., you can get support and consider your options. With help you can begin to understand that just because your partner believes you are the NOT OK one, does not mean you are. In fact, it is often the person who must take his insecurities out on another that is really the one who is not OK!! If you believe that by seeking help from a third person will trigger even more anger and put you at danger emotionally and or physically, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-787-3224, or your local domestic abuse hotline. These resources are very valuable and staffed by people who have experienced what you are going through.

Remember there are options and you can make changes but you may need support to do so.

*Relationship Conflict Scale, pg. 11
** Ground Rules for Talking pg. 17
Taking Space – How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship and Couples Home Study Course – Steps 1 & 2.

The post You Can’t Do Anything Right appeared first on .

John and Sue each held the remote that could trigger each other’s anger in a heartbeat. Their fights were sometimes about serious issues like parenting their children or how to budget their money, but more often were about small stuff.Leaving a dirty dish on the counter, failure to take out the garbage on time, not turning off the lights, even as small as where the toothpaste was squeezed could erupt into loud threatening arguments full of threats, ultimatums and character assaults. Sometimes these testy debates would be in front of the children who would run and hide or try to get between their parents to tell them to stop fighting!

Their fights could sometimes go on for hours, days and longer.

I call this an aggressive-aggressive style of conflict. If you and your partner are on this side of the Relationship Conflict Scale © *, you have little or no filters on what you express. The conflict could feel like open warfare, with mean and at times abusive threats, blaming, putdowns, name-calling, criticisms, swearing, power-trips, controlling behavior, etc…Fights can be loud, scary and out of control. You may often blame others for your anger. The risk of physical fights, violence and abuse increases. Your children will often experience a great deal of anxiety when hearing your fights and arguments.

Aggressive styles of fighting are on a continuum of mild to severe. Learning to manage your fighting and deciding to limit open conflict in front of children, while restarting communication, can prevent this style of communication from destroying your relationship and family.

What can you do and where do you start?

1. You must decide that you have had enough of this conflict! You can start by becoming aware of what this aggressive style of conflict is doing to your emotional and physical health as well as that of your children. Even if just one of you decides that you have had enough, you start a change process. You must begin by taking responsibility for your part of your conflict.

2. Learn to Disengage. **see Rules for Taking a Time Out
When I send warring couples home from our counseling sessions with the sole task of not fighting, I have them temporarily lower and or drop all expectations of their partner for at least a week. Even though couples may not have started actually listening and talking with each other in a productive way, they are often relieved that they are able to manage their conflict if even for a short period of time. Dropping expectations of your partner may take work on your part.

3. Identify what triggers your anger. Your triggers are often tied to your expectations. What does your partner do or not do, that you allow to push your anger buttons? Instead of constantly trying to change your partner by blame, yelling and screaming which often does not work, you can feel the power of learning to not let his behavior drive you crazy! This will take a shift in thinking and behavior as well as practice on your part. Some partners may need anger management assistance. * See Step 1 Couples Home Study Course

4. Learn to listen and talk. As simple as this sounds, it is the most difficult, but most possible. Many fights among couples start because anger and conflict have replaced listening to each other. Really hearing and expressing yourself openly with your partner without judgment, blame and criticism forms the basis of a connection between people. This is where real feelings and thoughts can be expressed. Under all the fighting is a huge hunger and desire to be heard and understood.
If you are finding this too difficult to do on your own, you may need to seek out third party help

Relationships that develop and meet needs learn to manage their conflict and restart communication again and again each time they get stuck. Relationships that don’t, usually end staying stuck with more distance and space…sometimes permanently.

*Relationship Conflict Scale, pg. 11 Taking Space – How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship and Couples Home Study Course – Steps 1 & 2.

** see Rules for Taking a Time Out pg. 16 Taking Space – How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship and Couples Home Study Course – Steps 1 & 2.

The post Is Your Marriage in a War Zone – Your style of Fighting will Tell You appeared first on .

John and Mary sat in their counselor’s office and proudly stated, “We never fight!” They went on to explain that their relationship was at an all-time low. They spoke very little to each other and had even started considering separation. The counselor thought to herself, Well, if they never fight or have any conflict, why are they in so much trouble and seeking counseling? When people think of fighting, they often picture two openly angry individuals, their voices raised, faces distorted, and saying mean and hurtful things. They are typically expressing how disappointed, hurt, and frustrated they are with each other. Anger often covers up the deeper feelings of hurt, sadness, and disappointment beneath the surface. Yes, this is one form of fighting – a more aggressive form.

On the other end of the spectrum is passive fighting. Passive fighters hold back. They may or may not be aware of how angry, hurt, or disappointed they are, but they tend to bottle up their emotions. Their passivity, polite smiles, and outward calmness mask the deeper feelings that stay hidden. Open conflict, like the one John and Mary are experiencing, scares passive fighters. They often fear that open, direct conflict could lead to the end of their relationship. Over time, they’ve learned to stay quiet and avoid using their voices to express what they want, feel, or need from their partner. In these situations, “ice walls” can form in the relationship, often resulting in a lack of emotional and physical intimacy.

What Does Conflict Mean for a Relationship?

Throughout life, we assert our independence. As a toddler, we want to do things “our way,” rebelling against parental commands. The same happens in the teenage years: “Yeah, I’ll do my homework,” or “Sure, I’ll take out the garbage,” only to find it hasn’t been done. Teenagers often try to communicate to their parents that they are different and need to be treated differently. “All my friends’ parents understand me, why don’t you trust me?”

As we grow, we learn to become our own unique selves, with our own wants, feelings, and values. This drive to be our own “SELF” continues throughout life and manifests most prominently in our intimate relationships. These differences often result in conflicts with our partners. Productive conflict, however, can serve as a “bridge” to better communication and a deeper understanding of each other. Unresolved conflict, on the other hand, leads to unmet needs, unheard feelings, and further disputes: “You just don’t understand or listen to me!” Productive conflict allows couples to better understand each other and adjust their relationship to meet each other’s changing needs.

Both aggressive and passive communication styles are not inherently wrong; they are just different. However, if conflict does not lead to productive communication, couples can find themselves stuck in a cycle of “open warfare” or hiding behind an “ice wall” of silence and withdrawal. Conflict becomes even more strained when one partner is aggressive and the other is passive. The aggressive style can feel very scary to a passive partner, often causing them to shut down and feel bullied.

What You Can Do

• First, discover your conflict style. Understanding how you and your partner handle disagreements can provide valuable insights into your relationship.
• Second, aggressive fighters must learn to manage and express their anger in ways that don’t scare their partner. They can have a much more positive influence by learning to calm down, lower their voice, and avoid blaming, criticizing, or name-calling. It’s also important to learn when to call a “Time Out” if things start to escalate.
• Third, passive fighters must learn to open up and express what’s bothering them. Sometimes, writing down thoughts or using other forms of expression can help with this.
• Finally, both partners can grow and improve their relationship by learning to listen to each other. Taking turns listening and speaking without interruptions is a good place to start. Using “I” statements helps keep the conversation focused on personal feelings. Avoid blaming, criticizing, being defensive, or withdrawing, as these behaviors will derail effective communication. Really listening and showing that you understand your partner’s feelings and thoughts is a powerful way to validate them. Validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you understand.

Learning how to manage conflict and actively listen to each other can help build a bridge to better intimacy and connection in your relationship.

The post Why Is Managing Conflict in Your Relationship So Important appeared first on .

How Can More Space for an Ailing Relationship Help?

During a crisis, such as an affair or a time when passion has dwindled in the relationship, a separation can act as a major “wake-up call.” When couples are engaged in ongoing and unresolved conflict, space can allow partners to gain distance and perhaps a new perspective on how they relate to each other. This space can help lessen bruised, hurt, and angry feelings as the relationship pattern is interrupted. A physical separation can inject new energy into an ailing and unhappy relationship.

Space Alone May Not Be Enough!

While space can be beneficial for marriages and relationships that have developed hurtful or stagnant patterns of communication, it only works if clear ground rules and goals are established for the separation. These goals must address the purpose of the separation.

Here’s What You Can Do:

1. Conflict must be managed, and productive communication must begin. Partners need to listen to each other’s concerns and complaints about what isn’t working. If both partners’ attempts at communication break down into defensive battles, blame, criticism, character assaults, or withdrawal, real feelings and unmet needs will not be heard. You must learn to listen.
2. Each partner must take responsibility for their part in the relationship pattern that has developed. If one partner refuses to acknowledge their role in the pattern, continued conflict is usually the result.
3. Specific goals and expectations for each partner, as well as the relationship itself, must be established as part of the separation agreement. Without goals, I often hear, “We tried a separation, but it didn’t work!” With clear goals, couples can evaluate whether any change has taken place.
4. Couples who “don’t fight” and make little effort to communicate productively will build emotional walls. During separations, these couples must plan regular times to meet and talk. They need to learn how to share their feelings and overcome their fear of conflict or of hurting their partners. They are already hurting because they aren’t talking, and faulty assumptions have clouded their perceptions of each other. Couples counseling can be very helpful in these situations.

A positive, proactive, and purposeful approach to separation can allow partners the time they need to determine whether their relationship can become more fulfilling.

The post Is Marriage Possible After a Separation appeared first on .