One is in the element of suffering that is present, along with a desire to alleviate that suffering. Compassion is innate and arises out of loving kindness as a natural response to suffering or pain, but there is also the element of action.

Having compassion means that you take action to offer kindness and understanding when failure, mistakes or misfortune are experienced, rather than criticizing, condemning, or otherwise judging harshly. If the suffering is experienced within oneself, the desire and action taken to alleviate that suffering, is called self-compassion.

Compassion versus Empathy

Compassion is most commonly confused with empathy. Yet, there are some key differences between empathy and compassion. According to the Oxford Dictionary, “Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” Empathy is that comforting “me too” experience that creates connection. Compassion also serves to create a sense of connection. However, compassion is not a feeling, it’s an action.

The two main differences between compassion and empathy are the element of suffering that exists and the desire to take action to alleviate that suffering. Suffering may or may not exist when experiencing empathy, but not necessarily. Also, you can feel empathy for someone, identify with their feelings and perhaps even their experience, without a desire to take action.

Compassion versus Sympathy

Sympathy is different from both empathy and compassion in that it’s generally a feeling of sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. It’s also an expression of care and concern that is often accompanied by a desire to see that person happier. With compassion, there is a recognition of the other person’s emotional state and a desire to take action to help alleviate their suffering. Similar to the experience of empathy, you can feel sympathy for someone with or without the desire to take action to alleviate their suffering.

Compassion versus Pity

Pity is also commonly confused with compassion, but they are two very different concepts. Pity is a feeling of concern for someone thought to be inferior or weaker than oneself and will generally result in a feeling of separation and disconnection, since pity is rooted in a sense of superiority. Whereas compassion is recognizing the weakened state and taking action to help the individual, while not treating that person as inferior. It means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfections are all part of the shared human experience.

Self-Compassion

The practice of compassion begins with acknowledging our own suffering and cultivating more loving kindness toward ourselves. According to Buddhist philosophy, we must care about ourselves before we are able to care about other people. If we are continually judging and criticizing ourselves while trying to be kind to others, it will only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.

When we connect with our innate compassion, we contact our true nature, strengthen our spirit, and allow others to do the same. Self-compassion is the purest form of self-love and aside from the many health benefits, including reduced stress, increased happiness, and increased social connectedness, it provides an ability to be more compassionate toward others, and results in greater overall resilience.

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Communicating with your spouse is no different. The dialogue need not be top-heavy, regardless of the topic—whether it’s sex, money, the kids, vacation, or office intrigue. Just tell it like it is. Most of all, be open and honest.

The subject of openness and honesty in communication has stirred the hearts and minds of experts, therapists, lawyers, pastors, and ordinary people. Take a peek at the library shelves and see how many books have been written on this topic. You’ll find a hodgepodge of wisdom; yet despite the proliferation of literature, seminars, and love-ins, spouses still question whether they communicate enough, over-communicate, or whether they’re doing it right.

There’s actually no right or wrong way to communicate with your spouse. But we’ll repeat what we said earlier: honesty reigns!

Communication: Tell-Tale Signs Pre-Marriage

During the dating stage, people can decipher each other’s body language and silence. This ability to ‘guess’ what the other person is thinking comes from a heightened sense of sensitivity and intimacy. The dating phase of your relationship will alert you to tell-tale signs of future communication problems, and you need to resolve any conflicts before you make that commitment. The inability to express feelings to a loved one should raise red flags; without communication, how can love flourish?

Talking to one another is the essence of any relationship. Sure, sexual attraction counts too, but in the long term, your comfort level in communicating with your spouse is vital. It is the compass by which you steer your marriage toward happiness or onto the rocks.

Here are some tell-tale signs that should alert you to potential problems:

How’s the family?

How often does your date mention their parents and siblings? When they speak of their family, do they do so with enthusiasm and affection? When telling stories of their childhood, do they remember conversations with their mom and dad and share them with you?

There is something fundamentally wrong when a person does not talk about their family or avoids the subject altogether. If your future spouse withdraws from the conversation when the subject of family is raised, think twice about marrying this person.

Have you got anything pleasant to say?

If your future spouse tends to be negative and frequently criticizes others, be wary. Be cautious if they tend to put you down or belittle you. A person who is stingy with compliments may be insecure. An opinionated person does not make for pleasant company. Racist comments or jokes expressed too often should also be warning signs.

Why so emotional?

Have you ever been in a conversation where you say something innocent, and your date snaps at you for no reason? Or have you found yourself in a situation where a calm conversation escalates into a shouting match? When emotions interfere, nothing is accomplished. It may be best to postpone discussions until both of you are calm and collected. There’s no room for tears, sullenness, or emotional blackmail in spousal communication.

No comment

A frequent ‘no comment’ reaction is a sign of uncommunicativeness. Either your future spouse is intellectually lazy or simply not interested in exchanging ideas with you. If this is the case, imagine how barren the marital landscape would be. When animated conversations are absent in a marriage, it leads to boredom, which can kill a marriage. A ‘no comment’ reaction does not necessarily indicate tact and diplomacy!

Suffering from verbal diarrhea?

Being on the other end of the spectrum is not appetizing either. Listening to someone who talks too much can be tiring. There should be a balance between being a talker and a listener. People who dominate conversations tend to be insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Give your spouse the chance to express what’s on their mind.

Timing

Salespeople love to say that ‘timing is everything.’ In a marriage, when one spouse needs something from the other, there’s both the ‘how to say it’ and the ‘when to say it.’

When your husband comes home from the office after a harrowing day of meetings and arguments with the boss, don’t welcome him home with a string of complaints about the garbage collector, the plumber, or the dry cleaner. When your spouse troubleshoots all day and puts out fires, don’t overwhelm them with your own litany of troubles.

Instead of saying, “Can’t you see I’m exhausted?” try this: “Honey, I had a tough day at the office. I know this is important to you, but can we discuss it on Sunday when we’re more relaxed? Let’s go to that breakfast place and flesh things out over eggs and coffee.”

In addition to a good sense of timing, a generous dose of compassion and empathy is essential. If your spouse comes home and shares that they were bypassed for a promotion, don’t criticize them or suggest they should have been more assertive. Remember, they just faced disappointment, and their ego may be hurting.

Instead, show compassion: “Honey, I’m sorry that management failed to recognize your valuable contributions. Just because you were bypassed doesn’t mean you aren’t capable. They must have reasons for their decision. This is your chance to turn disappointment into opportunity. Whatever you decide, I’m behind you 100%.”

Experts advise that couples should set specific times to ‘brief’ each other. Major issues like upcoming trips, home renovations, and children’s education shouldn’t be dealt with on the fly. Schedule discussions so that these topics can be addressed intelligently and with mutual consent.

Even if there are no major issues to discuss, husband and wife should make the effort to be alone together, reminding themselves how much they love each other and that their marriage is solid.

How’s this as an example?

Husband: What’s new with you? Anything you want to tell me?

Wife: Nothing important, but let’s take a long walk in the park, shall we? I want to feel physically close to you and remind myself how lucky I am to be married to you.

With that much love in a marriage, who needs a divorce lawyer?

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Grieving is an intensely emotional and unstable process in a marriage. As one or both partners grieve a loss, couples tend to downplay the extent of the stress it places on their partnership. They might not even recognize that escalation of fights or tension has its underlying source in grief. Marriages can expect to go through a period of turbulence.

If a marriage or partnership is to survive this difficult time, communication is critical. Many couples find that, at the very time they most need to, they are unable to talk with one another in a meaningful and supportive way. With so much at stake, partners tend to hide their vulnerability and needs, mask their anger, and avoid discussion of sensitive issues. Unexpressed feelings then find expression in distorted ways—for example, in explosions of anger, repetitious arguments, and sarcastic and belittling comments.

After the death of a loved one, partners are more likely to take marriage much more seriously. They realize in a concrete way that time is limited, life is precious, and love is more important than anything else. This awareness can inspire partners to work on their communication in order to heal the patterns that might have created distance instead of connection and intimacy.

James and Cecile both lost their fathers suddenly to heart attacks, Cecile’s two years before James’s. As is often the case, the first death was the most difficult for their marriage, because James did not really understand what Cecile was going through. With the second death, their shared experience of loss drew them closer and helped them resolve earlier misunderstandings and hurt.

In the devastating loss of a parent, James and Cecile both appreciated the fact that the companionship and support of a partner are priceless. They each expressed faith in their partner’s ability to come through for them in the future. With this new understanding, many people have set out to challenge the conditioning that holds them back from the loving and supportive relationships that they want and deserve.

Here are eight suggestions for grieving partners:

1. Remind each other that grief creates considerable stress in your partnership/marriage. Escalation of fights and tension is common.
2. If you are the non-grieving partner, educate yourself about what your grieving partner is going through: talk to others about grief, read books, listen to podcasts to learn whatever you can about the nature and timing of grief. Understand that people grieve in different ways.
3. Actively communicate with one another. Set aside specific times to talk, exploring how you are supporting one another, what you need from one another (the nongrieving partner has needs too!), and how grief is affecting the relationship.
4. Take time for yourself, without feeling guilty for withdrawing. You need solitary time for reflection and healing.
5. Look at the issues that surface in your marriage—resentments, walls between you, compromises, unhealthy conditioned responses. Consider couples therapy for healing unresolved issues.
6. Review from time to time the daily losses your relationship has encountered. Have these losses been acknowledged, grieved and integrated into the marriage? Some losses may need additional healing—perhaps a miscarriage or infidelity. You may want to draw a loss timeline (p.16-19, Honoring Grief) to get an overall perspective of the presence of loss in your relationship.
7. Use grief as an opportunity to be more vulnerable and open with one another. Grief opens hearts.
8. Acknowledge that grief will change you and your relationship. Explore new visions and possibilities for a more meaningful and loving life together.

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Your wife has that look of love in her eyes as she gazes adoringly at the gazillion-dollar SUV, and when you glance at the salesman, you notice a completely different gleam in his eyes—the sparkle of dollar signs. He’s a wolf, ready to pounce. The thrill of the hunt is over; you and your wife have become easy pickings. It quickly hits you that all your negotiating power just went out the window. Is there a way to get your wife what she wants without being taken to the cleaners by car dealerships? Is it even possible to buy a new car without risking divorce?

The 8 Best Tips to Find You the Best Deal and Keep You Happily Married

Buying a new car is a stressful process. No doubt, you and your wife have very different ideas about what you need, and of course, many arguments will break out about how much you are willing to pay for the next five to seven years. Today’s car market allows people to own almost any vehicle they choose, thanks to flexible, long-term payment plans and low interest rates. Even luxury cars, once reserved only for the wealthy, are now within reach for the average car buyer.

Unfortunately, to make these payments affordable, it often means spreading the cost over seven or eight years, which results in exorbitant interest payments and high monthly fees. Not eager to be car-rich and cash-poor for the next 7-8 years, chances are you and your wife are not seeing eye to eye on the matter. The truth is, you can own anything you want, but the caveat is… you must be willing to pay for it, and often that price is simply too high. But try convincing your wife of this while the slick salesman at the dealership convinces her that, yes, she not only CAN afford a 2019 Lexus, but she also DESERVES it.

There’s no doubt that to survive the minefield of buying a new car, you and your wife need a solid game plan—and to stick to it.

Here are eight leading tips to guide you and your wife through the car buying process without landing in divorce court:

• Decide ahead of time what you can afford and what you need.

An honest assessment of your family’s needs, set against a realistic monthly budget, is the starting point to buying a car without ending your marriage. Start by understanding how you use your vehicle and what you need from it. While your wife might long for the newest Mini Cooper S Coupe convertible, it may not only be out of your price range, but also ill-suited to your family’s lifestyle. After all, if you have a family of five and can only fit two people in the new sports car, it’s not going to be practical.

Let’s face it: most of us aren’t buying extra cars just to have fun. We need our vehicles to transport the kids to school, take the dogs and cats to the vet, and to get to work and the grocery store.

Another important consideration is future wear and tear. Are you willing to put in the time to keep a white vehicle clean? Sure, it looks fantastic on the lot, all polished and pristine. But will you feel embarrassed when the same salt-stained, mud-covered white vehicle is sitting in your driveway, desperately in need of a car wash? Got a white dog? Maybe black carpeting and cloth seats aren’t the best idea after all.

Also, consider fuel economy. If you do a lot of driving, you won’t want to be saddled with high gas bills that make you seriously rethink your social life because it’s too expensive to drive anywhere!

All these factors deserve serious consideration when choosing the vehicle best suited to your family’s needs. An open discussion of the features that matter most to each of you and the vehicles most likely to meet those needs will dramatically narrow down the options.

Once you’ve created a wish list of vehicles that are best suited to your lifestyle, you’ll need to determine how much you can afford to spend. Don’t fall in love with any one model just yet. Open-mindedness is key to getting a good deal and avoiding heated arguments at the dealership. Have several vehicles in mind and ensure they all fit within your financial means. You can have anything you want—if you’re willing to pay for it. However, wise car-buying couples understand it’s not wise to purchase a vehicle that will drastically lower their standard of living due to crippling monthly car payments. It’s a good idea to check with a lending institution ahead of time to see if you qualify for a loan, and if so, how much credit they’re willing to extend to you.

• Calculate the overall cost.

Always keep in mind that the sticker price isn’t the final amount you’ll actually pay. Be cautious of vehicles listed with only their bi-weekly payment cost; this often suggests that if you saw the actual price of the vehicle, you’d walk away. These payment figures are an illusion designed to make you feel like the car is affordable when, in reality, it’s not. You aren’t paying the $26,900 prominently posted on the window of your dream vehicle—that’s just the starting point.

The final cost will include additional fees like taxes, freight, options, and interest, which can add up to thousands more. You need to know exactly how much you’ll be paying once all is said and done.

Always consider the resale value of the vehicle. After several years, your lifestyle may change, and you may want to upgrade—or downgrade. You’ll want to choose a car that holds its value well and provides a good return on your initial investment.

Also, don’t forget to factor in the insurance costs for your new vehicle. You may be able to afford the monthly payments and maintenance costs, but will the insurance premium push you into a higher bracket, leaving you financially stretched?

• Determine ahead of time what your ideal price point is.

In many cases, husbands are happy to let their wives select the new car since they’ll likely be the ones driving it most. However, agreeing on price is often harder. Decide ahead of time what you’re willing to pay. Dealers will treat your budget as a starting point and will attempt to negotiate upwards. To counteract this, you might want to start by quoting a lower price than what you’re actually prepared to pay. This tactic can help you land where you want to be.

Prime your wife for what will happen at the dealership by familiarizing her with common sales strategies. Do your research to find out the actual worth of the vehicles you’re considering, as opposed to the inflated manufacturer’s suggested retail prices. Compare these prices against the vehicle’s invoice price. Somewhere between the MSRP and invoice price lies your best negotiating power.

Keep in mind, if you’ve selected an extremely popular vehicle, your bargaining power will be lower than if you choose a model that’s abundant on the lot.

• Consider a trade-in.

If you have a viable trade-in, it can help offset the cost of your new vehicle. By checking the Kelley Blue Book guides, you can determine what a dealer might offer for your trade. Be honest about the condition of your car—mileage, accident history, and general wear all affect its trade-in value.

To maximize the value of your trade-in, you might find it’s better to sell your car privately and apply the funds to your new purchase. Typically, you’ll receive more from a private sale than from a dealership trade-in.

• Study current interest rates and offers from all dealerships.

Shop around! Don’t settle for the first dealership and car that catches your eye. Visit multiple lots to compare offers, incentives, and interest rates. This research will give you leverage in negotiations, showing the salesmen that you’ve done your homework.

Be willing to travel to nearby cities or even states. Sometimes, a little extra effort can lead to a better offer. A local dealership may even offer you a better deal to keep your business.

• Drive many different models.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make when shopping for a new car is falling in love with a single model. Your wife may already know exactly what she wants, and like most people, she may not want to consider anything else. But it’s important that the salesman doesn’t know this, and it’s crucial that your wife understands this is a “poker game”—showing her cards means losing.

By test-driving a variety of models, you may find a vehicle you hadn’t considered but truly love. Stick to what fits your family’s needs and budget, but be open to testing other options. In the end, you might still choose the vehicle your wife had her heart set on, but by being open-minded, the dealer will be more inclined to negotiate with you on price.

• Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.

Never accept the first price you’re given. Know the facts, be willing to negotiate, and most importantly, be willing to walk away if the deal isn’t right.

It’s usually best if only one person does the negotiating. If negotiating isn’t your strong suit, it’s probably better to let your partner handle the negotiations while you step back and relax.

• Present a united front.

Don’t allow the dealer to pit you against each other. Present a united front. If you contradict each other, you’ll lose your negotiating advantage and raise the potential for conflict.

Decide ahead of time on your goals—what you want, what you’re willing to pay, and who will handle the negotiations. If you’re the quiet partner in this equation, STAY SILENT. One wrong word could cost you thousands in savings.

But most importantly, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t commit. You don’t have to buy a car that day. If there’s any doubt, go home, talk it through, and sleep on it. A car is a long-term financial commitment, and you’ll want to be sure about your decision.

Yes, it’s possible to buy a new car without getting divorced! Follow our tips to get your wife the car she wants at a price you can live with, and you’ll both be happy indeed. Happy car shopping!

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You would never know that one of you is in an abusive marriage.

But which one? Here’s a hint: She’s the one silently thinking “tells me I’m worthless and makes me sleep on the sofa.”

25% of all women in the US are in an abusive marriage or partnership. And most of time, there are no visible traces of the abuse.

There was a time in my life when I was the one secretly in an abusive marriage. I was the one going through the motions of being happily married, when actually I was being psychologically, emotionally, financially and verbally abuse.

I had no idea how unhealthy my marriage was. I knew there were issues, but I assumed all marriages were like mine. I’d suffered a slow-drip of erosion to my self-esteem for so many years that I couldn’t see how abusive the relationship had become. On top of it, I was too ashamed to give details to anyone, even my family or closest friends, so I had no one to hold up a mirror to show me what my marriage really looked like.

So here I am, holding up a mirror for you. Here’s a chart of characteristics of an abusive marriage versus a healthy marriage. How am I an expert? Well, aside from being a certified life coach and transformational divorce coach, I personally have experienced one of each.

If your marriage is healthy, then PLEASE share this with a friend who you think may be in a toxic situation, even if she can’t see it herself. You’ll be doing her a huge favor — maybe even saving her life. I will never forget the friend who saved mine by holding up a similar mirror for me.

How many of these characteristics are true for your marriage:

In a Healthy Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Communicates regularly and effectively
2. In an argument, sticks to pertinent issues that are relevant
3. Always says “I’m sorry,” even when not solely responsible
4. Empathizes with your feelings
5. Consults with you on all household decisions
6. Puts your needs/feelings/desires above his
7. Wants to do things together because he enjoys your company
8. Wants you with him to share experiences
9. Wants you to have control of your own money
10. Recalls past events accurately
11. Embraces your family

In an Abusive Relationship, Your Spouse:

1. Keeps you constantly guessing/off guard
2. In an argument, brings up things from the past that aren’t relevant
3. Never takes responsibility, even when it’s his fault
4. Ignores your feelings
5. Makes household decisions without conferring
6. Puts his own needs/feelings/desires above yours
7. Wants to do things together to make things easier for him
8. Wants you with him to use you as a human shield
9. Insists on controlling your money
10. Twists past events
11. Disparages your family

So how does your marriage rate? If there are more characteristics on the “abusive” side than on the “healthy” side, then it’s time to do something about it. If talking to your spouse doesn’t work, then get some support.

A good first step would be to visit The National Domestic Violence website: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/, or reach out to family, friends or an expert in the field.

The post When Marital Abuse Is Invisible: 11 Characteristics to Be Aware of in Your Marriage appeared first on .

By spending time with yourself before re-approaching your partner, you will feel more grounded and able to respond versus react. You will be more centered and able to articulate respectfully.

Here are the steps to take for your inner preparation before conflict resolution with your partner:

1. When you notice that escalation is taking place and your body sensations are shifting into the anger signals of fight, flight or freeze, ask for a “pause” and state to your partner that you would like to take a “time out” before going further, with the intention of coming back and continuing the conversation. If you can, give a time when you will check back in with him or her, even if that means that at that time, you re-negotiate for more time.
2. When you step away, do not keep going over the narrative in your head that fuels the anger. This is very important because if keep fanning the flames of the argument, your biochemistry won’t have a chance to readjust and you will stay in the fight/flight/freeze mode.
3. When you are alone with yourself, name the feeling you are having and the bottom line complaint. Then, notice what sensations you are feeling in your body?
4. Then, do a memory finder and ask yourself, “When have I felt this before?” Allow the movie of your life to play in your head and trace back to when you have experienced this before.
5. Once you tap into this information, do something self-soothing and physical to change how you feel inside. Take in some sunrays, listen to the birds, drink some water or pet your cat or dog. Or, jump up and down, do yoga, breathe deep, make sounds, go for a walk or run.
6. Once you have shifted, reflect back on the conflict with your partner. Name the behavior(s) of your partner that triggered these feelings.
7. Ask yourself if there were any boundaries that were overstepped in some way by your partner that you need to reinstate.
8. Reflect on your own behavior and notice if you were off the mark in any way that contributed to this conflict that you can own when you discuss this situation with your partner.
9. Take a little more time to restore your sense of balance with yourself, making sure you are anchored into being okay with yourself and not looking for that from your partner.
10. When you feel clearer with your thoughts, more spacious and less constricted, reflect on the qualities of your partner that you count on and value.
11. You might even take a moment to step into his or her shoes and glimpse into why your partner might have acted in the way that he or she did.

Now, you are ready to have a healthy discussion with your partner. Let him or her know that you are ready to bridge and contract for a time to talk that is good for both of you. Honor yourself for taking these inner steps that make a difference in both your relationship with your partner – and yourself!

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Am I happy in my marriage every second, um no.

Do I look at my husband daily and fell a flutter in my heart, no again.

Does it still make my blood pressure climb every week when I gather armfuls of dirty laundry from the floor next to his side of the bed, yes.

Do I love him with all my heart, enjoy spending time with him, miss him when he’s gone, and is he the first person I want to talk to when something wonderful or terrible happens?

Yes.

Here’s the deal. Marriage is messy, it’s work and just like life, it’s full of good times and bad.

Throw in one, two, three (or more) children and you have a whole lot more of the mess, work and joy and a lot less time.

This is where my marriage has started to slide and crack in the past. Looking back, I wonder why, why didn’t we give into the weariness that comes with this phase of life? What made us different?

I kept coming back to one thing, Date night.

My husband and I go on one date a month. It’s a time to focus on each other and remember why you like the person you’ve been living with. Not to mention, the work that goes into making a date night shows that you are willing to put some effort into your marriage.

Below are a few tips and tricks to help you “save the date”. Try them, I bet in a few months you’ll notice a positive difference in your marriage.

1. Save the Date

Sit down at the beginning of the month, pick your date night and write it on the calendar. No changing it, no moving it when something “better” comes up. It’s set in stone.

2. Make Your Plan

The same time you pick your date night, make your plan (time and place) and book your sitter. If you have a nursing baby you can’t leave behind, bring them along. It’s still a date when you only have 1 baby with you instead of 3 kids! Another trick with a nursing baby that won’t take a bottle, is find a friend who can watch them for two hours. You can feed the baby at their home leave and be back in time for the next feeding.

Doing this right away is important, it eliminates the “I thought you called the sitter” fight AND when you know someone is planning to come you’re less likely to cancel.

3. Get in the Mood

Half the reason I’m not motivated to go out on a date is all the prep that goes into it. Picking an outfit, taking a shower (shaving my legs) and fixing my hair and makeup while trying to keep kids out of my way can be overwhelming! Somewhere along the way, I came up with the genius idea of booking a sitter an hour earlier and/or telling my husband to keep the kids away for an hour. This turned getting ready into a fun pampering time for me and started our date off with me in the right mood.

4. No Texts, No Tech

When the date starts it’s time to put your phones on vibrate (with kids at home you can’t just turn them off) and leave it in your jacket or face down on the table. The only texts or calls we will answer are from our sitter. I love to take a pic of my husband and I on date night, but I resist the temptation to post it during our actual date…we all know when you pick up the phone it’s hard to put it down!

5. Talk

Some people have a no talking about the kids rule, not me. Of course we’re going to talk about our kids, it’s the number one thing we have in common lol! I’ve found we always start out the date talking about the kids and catching up and then naturally the conversation will move on to other things…and then back to the kids. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, as long as you’re talking.

That’s it, done, you have successfully saved the date, and maybe your marriage!

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Nevertheless, the need for belonging, the desire for close relationships and the yearning for emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual intimacy beat away in human beings.  Taking risks and making ourselves vulnerable to each other in forming connections is always fraught with a certain amount of anxiety, there is yet one more hurdle in the process of meeting and mating. Where, we ask, are we be safe? How do we conduct ourselves in daily relationships?

While awkward and often jarring, the conversations about uncomfortable topics can ultimately lead to a deeper understanding of what makes relationships survive and thrive.  In the long run, coming to a greater clarity of each other’s needs, expectations and fears can help us reach across the great divides that separate us, hopefully bringing about more honest and authentic relationships.

Always, uproar in the culture can make us stronger when we take a look at our own lives, do some honest introspection and inventory and know the truth about how we relate to each other.  Socrates wisely stated that “the unexamined life is not worth living”.  Perhaps that wisdom can provide some guidance for some self-reflection.  Self-reflection can lead to greater self-awareness, and self-awareness can provide insight for making corrections in one’s own way of relating to others, whether you are looking for a significant relationship, just getting acquainted or considering deepening a commitment.

Here are some first steps in exploring the issue of safety and trust in a relationship.

1. Remember: Take some time to reflect on a time when you felt really safe and free

with another person. What was it that the other person did or said that made it possible for you to trust him/her? Remember, as well, an occasion when you felt wary, confused, anxious or even afraid with another person. What was it that made you feel unsafe?

Is feeling safe or unsafe a pattern for you? Is a feeling of anxiety that you have today about a current relationship or is it residue from an earlier betrayal?

2. Take a look at yourself: How important is it for others to feel safe and be safe with you? What kinds of behaviors do you have that communicate to others that you are trustworthy? Do you keep your word? When you offend or hurt someone, are you able to apologize sincerely? How do you handle rejection? What do you do when you are angry? If you were ruthlessly honest with yourself, what would you say that you need to improve in order to feel safe and keep others feeling safe in a close relationship? Are you afraid of commitment because of a past failure in relationships, and if so, what can you learn about yourself from the past that can help you be freer and wiser now?

3. Stay awake and alert: Relationships that last are built on mutual trust and respect.

Character is formed by thoughts, which leads to action. Those actions that are repeated over time become habits. Habits both shape and reveal character. At the first sign of dishonesty, either in yourself or another person, it is important to sit up and take notice. If a pattern emerges, it is time to take action to talk about the discrepancy and, if the relationship is important enough, work for a change in the patterns.

4. Honor the paradox: All persons are a mixture of weaknesses and strengths. We all make mistakes, and often we hurt the persons we love the most. Healthy relationships, then, involve knowing when to overlook a flaw and when it must be addressed as a potential deal-breaker in a trusting relationship. The intricate dance of love requires both boundary-setting and vulnerability, acceptance and forgiveness.

Jeanie Miley is an author of thirteen books on spiritual growth and relationships, including the recent release Practicing Resurrection: Radical Hope in Difficult Times.  She is a speaker and retreat leader and has written a weekly newspaper column, “Growing Edges” for thirty-eight years. https://www.jeaniemiley.com/

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Change is hard for a lot of people. When you look at your relationship, I am sure you can see a lot of things our spouse needs to change but what about you? What do you need to change to have a healthier and more conscious relationship with your spouse?

One thing you may not realize is the only thing you have control over in a conversation is your fifty percent of it. What are you bringing to the discussion? How are you behaving or reacting to things? How are these things impacting your relationship with your spouse?

When you work on changing your fifty percent of the conversation it will have an impact on your spouse’s half. This article will explore various ways you can change your side of the conversation.

1. Take responsibility for your impact

The way you act and the way you speak has an impact on your spouse and you need to take responsibility for it.

To do this, you can start by noticing how your spouse reacts when you say or do certain things. What are you triggering for them? Is there a different way to say or do the same thing that would have a different impact on them?

I am not saying to wear white gloves or to do things to “manage” your spouse. There is an important distinction between speaking your truth and vomiting your truth. When you notice you are saying or doing something specific that is having an impact, stop and acknowledge it. You can also apologize for what you did and start over.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions

We can often come from a place of blame when talking about our emotions. Saying things such as “you made me feel x…” gives a lot of power over you to someone else.

I often tease my children around the distinction between saying: “I am angry” vs “you made me angry”. I tell them that it’s not as if I am standing there asking them “are you angry yet… are you angry yet?”.

You can take responsibility for your emotions by noticing and changing how you speak. When you start doing this you will find conversations will start to have a lot less blaming and shaming.

3. Be more intentional

Before you start a conversation try to be clear on your intention. What are you trying to do in this conversation? Are you trying to have a conversation about a particular topic? Are you trying to start an argument? You can act in different way when you are aware of your intention.

Once you are clear on your intention, make sure your actions and words align with it when you are with your spouse. By knowing your intention, you can also share it with your spouse or use it to do a reset if things go bad.

For example, if you are trying to create a conversation about a sensitive topic, you can frame it that way. An opening such as “I would like to talk about topic x and this is not easy for me, please bear with me” can help set the stage.

4. Listen for unmet needs

Look beyond the words of your spouse. What are the unmet needs they are trying to talk to you about? Try listen for these instead of reacting to the words your spouse is using to express them. Repeat them back to see if you are picking up on the right cues. This will help your spouse feel heard.

For example “you never do anything around the house” could mean your spouse needs support. Non-violent communication tools are a great help for this. To get started, download these needs and feeling inventories.

In your mind, go back to one of the recent arguments with your spouse and try to identify at least one unmet need. What did they say that leads you to believe this is the right one? Practice doing this and check if you are hearing the right need by naming it in the discussion. You can do this by asking “are you needing more x?”.

How will you begin to change your fifty percent of the conversation?

Steffan Surdek is an in-demand leadership development coach and corporate trainer. He has always been driven to expand the notion of leadership to include each member of the team. As a widely recognized principal consultant, Steffan’s work has a strong business impact, helping reshape business cultures and guiding them in becoming more collaborative and efficient. He is the founder of Pyxis Cultures, a consulting and training company based in Montreal, Canada.

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Much has been written about whether taking on a caregiving role strengthens or shatters the relationship you share with your significant other. I think the unfulfilling answer is, it depends.

My mother came to live with my husband and me after my father passed away. She had a few solid years of independence but the majority of her time with us represented a slow and deep decline into dementia.

Initially, she told us about the giraffes and elephants she saw hanging in the trees outside her bedroom window. Those animals represented a naïve and whimsical period we all passed off as simply her creative imagination.

Late one night, true fear manifest when we landed in the emergency room with my hysterical mother. She’d been fighting off winged monkeys clawing at her windows to take her away.

In the wee hours of that morning, I sat in the ER with my mother and my husband. We were engulfed by the antiseptic aroma only hospitals possess and marked time through the resonance of scurried footsteps down long tiled corridors.

There were the in’s and out’s of doctors and nurses, the hushed conversation of other patients with their extended families and the hum of high tech medical equipment.

Although surrounded by so much activity, I felt utterly alone.

Through my mother’s decline, my husband remained convinced in a rational-male-engineering way that we could fix things. I knew we were powerless over my mother’s illness, but not over our personal reaction to the crisis our family faced.

Through an 18-year dementia journey with my mother, I came to appreciate certain truths about caring for a loved one. The importance of partnership in caregiving was the most profound lesson. Together my husband and I focused on strategies to reduce the impact of caregiving on our marriage.

1. Recognize the significance of this life change: Caregiving is never an easy job especially for someone you know and love as they decline through illness or age. Acknowledge how your lives are changing, each in their own way. Don’t judge the emotions and fears each of you have about your caregiving responsibility. Instead work together to find common ground solutions even if they perpetually evolve.

2. Grieve the loss of your spontaneity: There’s no denying your life together has changed. Your ability to meet for dinner, catch a movie without planning or just run out for something will now require more intention. Remember: wrapping yourself fully in the caregiving role and isolating from everything else is never the answer. Find resources and support to give you time away from caregiving. Make time for both of you: separately and together.

3. Talk about everything but ensure the conversation is two-way: Reluctance to talk about difficult, high stress situations can apply to anyone but may be more prevalent among some men. Encourage dialogue by jotting down the raw emotions each of you feel throughout the week, then take turns sharing those feelings in the context of the situation you faced. Understanding each other’s trigger points can allow you to plan caregiving escape routes.

4. Draw closer by acknowledging the role your significant other plays in caregiving: Ask yourself: could I do what my partner is doing if our roles were reversed? Then force yourself to answer the question truthfully.

Caregiving pairs come in so many different varieties: you could find yourself caring for grandparents, parents, a spouse or partner, siblings, extended relatives or friends.

Devising strategies for yourself and your significant relationships can help all involved to better cope with difficult caregiving responsibilities.

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