When most people think of postpartum depression, they think of a lethargic new mother, hardly able to function, with possible thoughts of harming herself or her baby. While this can occur in a rare, but serious condition called postpartum psychosis occurring in approximately 0.089-2.6 of births in the United States, the majority of women experiencing postpartum depression typically present with more anxious symptoms. If these symptoms persist beyond two weeks postpartum, a period commonly referred to as the “baby blues,” postpartum depression must be ruled out.

The majority of new mothers that come to my practice present with difficulty sleeping (even when the baby is sleeping), crying easily, irritability, loss of interest, and being extremely concerned with being a “perfect” mother. Furthermore, anxious, looping thoughts are common as well as a constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

Some women are embarrassed or afraid of their intrusive thoughts and feel troubled by them, especially if they are experiencing scary thoughts about something bad happening to their baby. Many women fear that if they speak up about these thoughts, their baby will be taken from them even though they would never do anything to want to harm their baby. In fact, the desire to do everything so well, is creating its own anxiety.

Obsessions and compulsions can develop around housework, schedules and caring for the baby. Sadly, these mothers can greatly benefit from treatment for postpartum depression, but instead they suffer in silence, often experiencing a worsening of symptoms.

It is important to understand the difference between postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis. Women experiencing postpartum psychosis typically present with auditory or visual hallucinations, delusions, mania, insomnia, agitation, disorganized thinking, a flat affect, a detachment from reality.

Thoughts of self-harm and harm to the newborn can occur. Additionally, women who have a history of bipolar disorder, a major depressive disorder or schizophrenia are at a greater risk of developing postpartum psychosis. For this reason, it is imperative that women with a personal or family history of one of these conditions discuss a prevention plan with their doctor prior to giving birth.

There is good news and bad news. Unfortunately, because most women don’t realize that what they are experiencing classifies as postpartum depression, they do not seek help and therefore do not get treatment for it. The good news is that once postpartum depression is treated, symptoms typically improve relatively quickly.

Symptoms of postpartum depression include, but are not limited to:

• anger, irritability and mood swings
• loss of interest
• hopelessness
• anxiety
• restlessness
• panic attacks
• difficulty sleeping
• fatigue
• lack of concentration
• unwanted thoughts/repetitive thoughts

If you or someone you love is experiencing any of these symptoms, please know that good help is available. You cannot “think” your way out of postpartum depression and the longer it is left untreated, the worse the symptoms typically get.

This is especially the case when there is a chronic lack of sleep. Postpartum depression is not a weakness, a failure or a character flaw. It does not make someone a bad mother. Postpartum depression occurs for a variety of reasons that are well beyond a woman’s control. Most women report wishing they had sought treatment sooner once they began to feel better and more like themselves again.

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Girls’ Names

The most popular names for girls in North America include these ten, which typically rank at or near the top of all lists.
Emma – This name often tops the list for girls and means “whole” or “complete.”

Emily – Emily is the feminine form of the French name Emile, which means “industrious” or “hard-working.”

Sarah – Several meanings have been associated with this name. In the Bible, it is understood to mean “lady” or “princess.” Sarah was the wife of Abraham and the mother of Isaac. In Muslim tradition, “Sara” means “pure” and “happy.”

Madison – Originally a surname, Madison is derived from the name Matthew (meaning “gift” or “reward”) or Matilda (meaning “strong fighter”).

Hannah – In the Bible, Hannah was the mother of Samuel. The name means “gracious” and “merciful” or “God has favored me.”

Olivia – A variant of the name Olive, Olivia means “peace.”

Hailey – Originally used as a surname, Hailey has become quite popular as a first name. It means “field of hay.”

Ava – Ava is a variant of the name “Eve.” In the Bible, Eve is the first woman and the wife of Adam. The name means “breath” or “life.”

Kaitlyn – The name Kaitlyn is derived from Catherine, which means “pure.” This particular spelling is a modernized version of the traditional “Caitlin.”

Abigail – In the Bible, the wise and sensible Abigail married King David after the death of her first husband. The name means “father’s joy.”

Boys’ Names

The top ten boys’ names show more regional variation than girls’ names. Here are the names that appear most frequently. (Honorable mentions go to Jack, Benjamin, and Daniel.)
Ethan – Often topping the list for boys in recent years, Ethan means “strong,” “valiant,” and “constant.”

Matthew – In the Bible, Matthew was one of the twelve apostles of Jesus and the author of one of the gospels. The name means “gift” or “reward.”

Joshua – Joshua was the warrior who succeeded Moses and led the Israelites to the Promised Land. The name means “a savior” or “deliverer.”

Jacob – This name means “heel” or “one who supplants or undermines,” but the biblical Jacob eventually redeemed himself and became the father of the twelve tribes of Israel.

Nicholas – Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of children, sailors, and, oddly, pawnbrokers. He is best known as the basis for Santa Claus. The root of the name comes from the Greek word “Nike,” meaning “victory.” In Slavic cultures, Nikolas is associated with being a “victor” or “conqueror.”

Aidan – A popular Irish name, Aidan means “little fire” or “ardent.” The name originates from a 7th-century Irish monk named Aidan.

Ryan – This Gaelic name means “little king” and, in its Irish form, simply means “kingly.”

Logan – Logan is another Gaelic name, meaning “from the hollow.”

Noah – Recognized by many from the Bible, Noah was the famous ark builder. The name means “comfort” and “repose.”

Michael – This name is derived from the Biblical saint who defeated Satan and was charged with protecting Israel. Michael is the patron saint of soldiers.

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The Reality of Having Two Kids

But after a while, you forget about the lack of sleep and no longer pine for your childless days. When you reach this point, you may start considering having another baby. You figure that since you’ve acclimated to life with the first one, adding another won’t be a big deal. Think again, sister! Having two kids—especially if they’re close in age—is like nothing you can imagine. It’s not just two of everything… twice the work… party of four. It’s a whole different ball game. Adding a second child to the family is like signing yourself up for boot camp… by choice!

Do you remember how all-consuming having a newborn was? How they sucked the time and energy from every day of your life for months? Yeah… now add to that a cranky, potty-training toddler who throws tantrums fifteen times a day for reasons ranging from not being able to watch the same episode of The Wiggles over and over again to wanting you to buy every box of sugary cereal in the supermarket. And said heck-raiser just happens to wake your newborn every time he pitches a fit and also hates the new kid because he’s stealing all of your attention. Good times.

And how does producing more offspring affect your relationship with your husband? Well, get ready to miss him. If you’re like most couples, you’ll adopt a “divide and conquer” approach to parenting once you add a second child. Usually, Mom focuses on the baby while Dad takes over caring for the older child. More than likely, the kids won’t be on the same schedule, so your husband will be bathing Johnny while you’re doing everything in your power to get the tiny tot to sleep for five minutes in a row!

If you’re a stay-at-home mom—or dad, as the case may be—you don’t get the luxury of the “divide and conquer” model. You may be nursing the baby while simultaneously wiping your older child’s backside. Glamorous! All this while covered in spit-up and having not washed your hair for a week. The house remains in a constant state of disarray, and your spouse may survey the scene upon returning home from work and wonder what in the world you did all day!! Deep breaths.

If you choose to work outside the home, you get to enjoy a constant state of guilt. As nice as it is to focus on your career and talk to adults for eight hours a day, you feel like you’re missing some major milestones at home. Maybe you hired a nanny, or maybe your kids go to daycare. Either way, someone else is spending their time with your little darlings instead of you. It’s a strange experience.

And how about getting them ready for the day? Getting two kids ready instead of one is a lesson in patience, persistence, and hopeful wishes. Please let this be the day that the baby doesn’t have a blowout right after you dress him. And please let this be the day Johnny doesn’t freak out because he wants to wear his blue shoes instead of his red ones. The planets rarely align when trying to get two kids out of the house. It’s usually a pretty catastrophic experience, to say the least.

Your appearance also changes when you add a new baby to the family. Your Chanel suits find a new home at the back of your closet, and you invest any spare dollars in yoga pants. Your new favorite hairstyle is a ponytail, and makeup might become a thing of the past. You may or may not have old dried-up Cheerios stuck in your hair, and you may or may not care. Two kids force you into “mom mode,” at least for a little while. Self-preservation is the name of the game, and silly things like looking pretty are for the childless and empty-nesters. Don’t worry—no one’s looking at you anyway, with those two cuties in tow!

And all the gear. My goodness. Navigating a double stroller through the store requires a very steep learning curve. You’ll bruise a few ankles before you finally get it right. Or, you could wear the baby in a sling while pushing a single stroller…and the shopping cart. Good luck with that. Two car seats instead of just one? No problem. Just hope that your toddler waits patiently while you strap the baby in. And if not… just keep your eyes on the car while you chase Johnny across the parking lot.

Maybe you lucked out and spaced your kids far apart. That oldest child will be your loyal and faithful servant—whether she wants to be or not. Make her fetch the diapers, grab the binky, clean up the toys, and resent you forever. It’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix one day.

Don’t worry—it’s not all bad. You’re giving your firstborn a sibling. You’re adding another family member to love and be loved. Yes, it’s hard at first, but things return to relative normalcy over time. Hang in there, as they say. The days fly by, and before you know it, you might be thinking about adding yet another bundle of joy to the nest. Just so you know, apparently having three kids is the most stressful for parents. Add any more offspring after that, and you’ve long since gone crazy. But it’s okay—every family tree has a few nuts!

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So should you get your baby’s ears pierced at a young age? Are there any safety or health hazards that make early ear piercing dangerous? And, overall is it a good idea?

Certainly, there are some associated risks with piercing a baby’s ears. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, early piercing can lead to allergies to metal, which can lead to infections of the ear. If you do choose to have your infants ears pierced, you should ensure that the posts and parts of the earring touching the ear are made of stainless steel or at least 14K gold. Metal allergies will present themselves in the form of a rash around the ear and can even travel down the face and the neck. In this situation, pediatricians normally recommend removing the earrings and using Benadryl to control the allergic reactions. Since young babies have a weak immune system, these infections, and allergic reactions can turn serious in no time at all. One down side to piercing a baby’s ears is that they have very little muscle control, which means they will fiddle with and pull at the earrings – even ripping them out of the ear by accident, and this too can cause infection and secondary problems. If you wait till your child is older – you can instruct them to not touch the earrings. And, if an infant or baby accidentally removes the earrings – they can become a choking hazard.

Babies can also become fussy when sleeping as the piercings heal because of the discomfort involved after ear piercing, leading to colicky conditions. Ear piercing also comes with quite a bit of after care involved, which means parents have to be diligent about rotating the earrings and cleaning the ears – both front and back of the lobes – for several weeks after the piercing.

One thing that doctors DO recommend when considering ear piercing is to either use a facility that specializes in baby piercing, or ask if your doctor can do it. Some pediatricians can actually do the piercing in the office. Many ear-piercing centers located in malls or jewelry stores do not employ trained staff and may not be keeping the equipment clean enough from one customer to the next. You certainly want the most sterile environment if you plan to pierce your baby’s ears. Another good idea is to simply talk to your pediatrician about whether or not you can pierce your child’s ears. Some doctors may recommend that you wait until the baby is at least 4 months old – especially if there are any health concerns with the baby. While others will go ahead and give you the green light, and can even recommend safe places to have the procedure done.

Overall, the stance of the American Academy of Pediatrics is that there is no certain milestone age in which to pierce a baby’s ears. That being said, they do recommend waiting until a child can ASK for the piercing herself before doing so. This way, they can be involved in the care that is involved after wards, and can help to take care of the earrings themselves.

If you plan on piercing your baby’s ears, you may want to give them a dose of ibuprofen prior to the ear piercing, and in the few days after the piercing to ease the discomfort. The piercing itself is not more painful than a shot, and you need to choose a piercing provider that will do both ears at the same time in order to make it as comfortable as possible for your child.

Again, ear piercing is a personal choice. There are plenty of ways to ‘girlify’ your little princess without ear piercing. With so many cute headbands and bows, ear piercing is not really necessary. Many parents would rather wait until their child is old enough to ask, because essentially you are making a decision for your child that will last a lifetime. And, remember that if your baby has any problems with the ear piercing and you have to remove them – scar tissue can form in the lobes which can make ear piercing later in life more difficult and more prone to infection.

While mothers across North America debate this issue and liken it to giving a baby a tattoo (which is illegal), the decision you make is YOURS. If you are willing to put up with a little frustration and some extra work and feel strongly about having your baby’s ears pierced, then there really are no safety or health hazards to hold you back. Likewise, if you would prefer to wait until your child is older, and can request the piercing on their own, that too is perfectly fine. Just keep in mind that you are making a long term choice for your daughter, and that they will grow up fast enough without you rushing to do things before their due time.

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According to the American Civil Liberties Union, “Parents, not the government, have the ultimate right to name a child.” Interestingly, Messiah is one of the top ten baby names today. Even more interesting is the number of people named Jesus, Muhammad, or even Lucifer—each with religious significance—without any governmental interference. In fact, there are very few recent judicial cases where names have been denied, and while some countries around the world have laws to prevent certain names, they are rare.

According to the Calgary-Herald, the following names are some of the only ones that have been denied to parents in modern times: Messiah, Blaer, Lucifer, Baron, Bishop, Duke, General, Judge, Justice, King, Knight, 89, C, D, I, T, Doctor, Reverend, Benson and Hedges (twins), Tulula Does the Hula from Hawaii, Venerdi, rfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, Metallica, Ikea, Q, Veranda, Fish and Chips (twins). Some were banned for obvious reasons, and most name complaints arise from custody or familial issues.

The Role of Government in Naming a Child

That being said, it really is not the duty of the government to interfere and monitor the name choices of parents today. In some countries, such as Germany, a name must be gender-specific, and it is a law that the child’s gender must be recognizable based on the chosen name. In Sweden, a law was enacted in 1982 that prohibits parents from naming their child any name that could be taken offensively, such as those referring to Hitler or, like in the case of Messiah. In Denmark, there is an approved list of 7,000 names from which parents can choose when naming their child. Recently, China enacted a program requiring new babies to be named based on the ability of computer scanners to read those names on national identification cards. The government encourages the use of Simplified characters over Traditional Chinese ones for easier readability. This is just the beginning of government involvement in names, but is it okay?

When celebrities name their children, they often choose names that others might see as outlandish or odd—yet the government doesn’t seem to interfere. Hollywood is known for pushing the envelope on what is considered normal when it comes to baby names. These children will have to live with their names for the rest of their lives. Are these names considered acceptable simply because the children will be raised in the spotlight, rather than in mainstream society?

It seems to most that parents should give ample consideration when naming their child. Often, parents choose family names, while some name their children after inanimate objects or ideals. Others choose names based on their personal preferences, a favorite friend, or a distant relative. New-age thinking asks that parents think twice before naming a child after a deceased loved one, believing it could have spiritual effects on the child. Still, parents should be the ones most concerned with choosing a name that promotes their child’s success.

There are several books available today that help parents choose names for success—offering advice such as “Allisons have a higher chance of getting into law school, whereas John Smiths are so common that they have a greater chance of being overlooked.” Essentially, the idea is that the name you choose for your child is akin to branding them for a life of success or failure. Experts argue that names give others a quick glimpse into the socioeconomic and educational background of a family, which can be just as impactful as a first impression.

The truth is, finding a name for your child is a difficult task. However, it is one that the government should not be involved in. Obviously, if parents lack the common sense or decency to name their child appropriately, it’s a reflection of larger issues within the family. If you name a boy Sue, while your intent may be to make him tough, the larger picture reveals that the parents lack good judgment. In such cases, courts should be able to step in and advocate for the child.

As for the case of Messiah, the baby boy whose name was changed to Martin by a judge—his parents were not alone in choosing Messiah as a baby name. In 2012, there were 700 babies named Messiah in the United States. Is the judge going to try and rename all of those children?

What do you think? Should the government have a say in a child’s name?

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Sleep Stages

Sleep is divided into two main stages: active sleep and quiet sleep. Active sleep, also known as rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, is characterized by rapid eye movements. Dreaming typically occurs during this stage. Quiet sleep, or non-REM sleep, consists of four phases: drowsiness, light sleep, deep sleep, and very deep sleep.

Newborns’ sleep patterns begin with a brief REM stage, progress through the four phases of quiet sleep, and return to REM sleep, restarting the cycle.

The Role of REM Sleep

The exact function of REM sleep remains debated, but its importance is widely recognized. Theories suggest REM sleep supports brain development, even in utero. Researchers attribute REM sleep to providing visual imagery that aids the mental development of the fetus.

This theory is supported by evidence showing that REM sleep decreases with age. Fetuses experience nearly 100% REM sleep, two-year-olds about 25%, adults around 20%, and the elderly approximately 15%. Essentially, babies receive more REM sleep to support rapid brain development. As brain development slows, REM sleep decreases, reaching near-adult levels by the toddler years.

REM and Dreams

Researchers confirm that older children and adults experience vivid dreams during REM sleep. However, some studies, including an Australian one, suggest newborns may not dream in the same way. The brain region active during adult REM sleep shows less activity in newborns, leading researchers to question whether newborns dream as adults do.

Despite this, because infants spend significant time in REM sleep, many believe they dream similarly to adults. Some propose that babies in utero dream about the light they see and sounds they hear, such as heartbeats, voices, or music. After birth, their dreams are likely shaped by the diverse sensory stimuli they encounter.

REM and Wakefulness

Babies spend more time in REM sleep and, until about three months of age, must pass through an REM phase before entering quiet sleep. This increased REM sleep heightens the likelihood of babies waking during the night as they transition between sleep stages. Parents of sleepless newborns may find comfort in knowing this is a biological norm, not a medical issue, as babies navigate these sleep cycles.

Babies and Bad Dreams

Research and anecdotal evidence indicate that nightmares, or “bad dreams,” are most common between three and five years of age. However, many parents and pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene disagree, noting that newborns often wake with loud cries suggestive of distress.

Dr. Greene believes babies can experience nightmares. Stressors like pain, hunger, or being left alone can cause tears, and as Dr. Greene states, “…anything worth crying about is worth dreaming about.” He suggests that babies’ brains process both pleasant and unpleasant experiences through dreams.

Sleep Like a Baby?

With frequent waking, brain development, REM, non-REM, and the possibility of dreaming, an infant’s sleep is a busy time. All this activity makes one question the origin of the phrase “sleep like a baby,” doesn’t it?

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How desperately I wanted her to be mine. She would be my third daughter, and I’d always wanted four girls. I couldn’t lose her. In the womb, she lived in blissful ignorance through months of my hemorrhaging and flirting with death. Finally, I was put on hospital bed rest, and she and I were alone to fight to the finish line together. Seven weeks after being admitted, the doctors feared for both our lives and insisted on delivering her via emergency C-section. And so it was. My husband was out of town, as were my parents, and once again, she and I faced this challenge alone.

The Miracle of Her Survival

When she emerged from my belly, eight weeks early and a fraction of the size she should have been, the doctors declared that the placenta had been hanging on “by a thread.” Praise God she was delivered just in time! There are no coincidences. After recuperating from the surgery for a few hours, I was wheeled to the NICU to see her and be briefed on her condition. It was a surreal moment to see her lying in a tangled nest of wires. Those wires recorded every beat of her heart and every breath she took—and didn’t take. The monitors surrounding her isolette reassured and terrified me all at once.

She was too small and too fragile for me to hold, but oh, how I longed to embrace her. She must have been so scared. I certainly was. Miraculously, several days later, she was strong enough for me to snuggle and nestle close to my body. She was back where she was supposed to be. I felt a twinge of hope. My husband was terrified to hold someone as small and fragile as she was, but he couldn’t resist her for long. Her sisters, so young and innocent and unsure, were happy and sad, and everything in between, as they surveyed her through the protective glass. They didn’t understand—and neither did I.

After I was discharged from the hospital, I’d never felt so lost and isolated. I was haunted by having to leave my baby in the hands of the nurses and doctors of the NICU. I was tortured by having to pump breast milk around the clock. I even felt a bit of resentment for my healthy kids at home and all the needs they still had. But none of those feelings could touch the guilt. The guilt that grew from thinking I could have done something more to prevent her early birth. The guilt I experienced from being scared to bond with a baby who may or may not survive. And the guilt that consumed me because I was absolutely disgusted by the women I saw going home with their fat, healthy, full-term babies as I walked back into the hospital every day.

Our daily trips to the NICU to visit my daughter were draining and exhausting, but I wouldn’t have missed them for the world. We were a family, and she was one of our own. We loved her the only way we could, given her circumstances. More negative emotions unexpectedly followed me into the NICU. Like the jealousy I felt toward the nurses who cared for my baby around the clock. And the surprising bitterness I felt when they would tell me it was time to put my baby back in the isolette, where she’d spend the next X amount of hours or days or weeks not being held, hugged, kissed, or told she was loved. The entire ordeal was completely unnatural and surreal.

Then, thirty days after her birthday, the doctors finally released her to me. I was terrified. They must have made a mistake, I thought. I had no idea how to care for a four-pound human being. When I brought her through the front door for the first time, I felt so helpless and alone. How could I possibly be the kind of mother someone like her needed? Surely, I would fail her. But I didn’t. I was vigilant. I was earnest, and by the grace of God, she grew and outgrew all the conditions that are part of the preemie package deal.

Time rolls on, despite what happens in our lives. Birthdays come and go. Shoes are outgrown, and the seasons change as they always have. Small, fragile, tired preemies get fat and eager like any other baby, and the normalcy you’ve craved for so long creeps up like the morning sun. Milestones are met, and as much relief as pride fills your heart as you stare at this living miracle before you. And so here we are—five years later. Looking back on my rough pregnancy and her early birth isn’t easy. I don’t want to feel or remember what I’ve pushed so far down in my mind and heart just to get through it all. When I do reflect, I weep. I shed tears of joy, relief, pride, love, and the ever-present, never-failing hope from God Himself! My premature daughter is now almost five years old. She’s walking, talking, laughing, singing, hugging, kissing, playing, praying, twirling, dancing, and growing—a living proof that God exists and loves me beyond my understanding.

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One, the parents are probably stretching the truth. For most parents, the timeframe involved in sleeping “through the night” tends to be fairly elastic. Some will even claim that sleeping from midnight until 6 a.m. is considered sleeping “through” the night.

Two, there is no shortage of resources available to help you get your baby to sleep.

Help in Getting Baby to Sleep

Do an Internet search, and you’ll find countless web pages dedicated to babies and sleep. Most of them fall into two camps – the “cry it out” or Ferberizers, and the “co-sleep” or “family bed” advocates. In the interests of full disclosure, I will admit to falling into the latter camp. But in researching the Ferber method, I was surprised to find that it’s not the harsh, “leave-the-baby-to-cry-in-the-dark” philosophy I had always believed it to be.

The Ferber method was developed by Dr. Richard Ferber in his 1985 book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. His method is often referred to as the “cry it out” method, although Dr. Ferber does not use that term. In his book, Dr. Ferber shows parents how they can teach a child to soothe themselves to sleep starting at around 5 or 6 months of age.

Contrary to the negative connotations associated with the term “cry it out,” his method does not involve heartlessly placing your baby in the crib and leaving them to cry. Instead, you start with a warm and loving bedtime routine. You then place Baby in the crib awake and leave them for gradually longer periods (even if they’re crying) so they can learn to fall asleep on their own. Ferber provides a chart of “progressive waiting” times, during which you can comfort the baby with pats on the back, but cannot pick them up or feed them.

The main criticism of the Ferber method has been that it diminishes a baby’s sense of security and leads to a lack of intimacy. In reality, this view is a misconception. Ferber’s method involves considerably more soothing than the term “cry it out” implies. While some parents may have interpreted Ferber’s method as a license to leave a crying baby alone, that was never his intent. In fact, he strongly disapproves of parents leaving a baby in a crib to cry for long periods.

Rather, Ferber’s method was designed to avoid unnecessary crying and to provide comfort to the baby. By being there to soothe the child, you offer reassurance while the baby trains herself to fall asleep. His concept of progressive waiting allows you to leave Baby only when you feel ready.

Another misconception is that Dr. Ferber claimed his method would work easily and for everyone. Not so. He acknowledges that sleep training can be a long process and offers suggestions for what to do if the method doesn’t work.

In the 2006 revised edition of his book, Dr. Ferber stresses that a wide range of approaches to sleep may be needed, and parents must do what is best for their families. With his advice, you may soon discover what sleeping through the night truly means.

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Overview

The Ferber Method teaches parents how to help their child soothe themselves to sleep from around 5 or 6 months of age. This method has proven controversial, mainly because it is often misunderstood as a harsh system of letting the baby cry it out until he falls asleep. However, as outlined below, there is considerably more parental involvement in the Ferber Method than many people realize.

The Process

Begin with a warm and loving bedtime routine. The importance of routine is emphasized by virtually all sleep experts, and Dr. Ferber is no exception. Typical bedtime routines involve a warm bath, a story, and plenty of cuddling.

If the baby is still nursing at night, gradually replace feedings with another type of parental intervention, like rocking to sleep. Once the association with feeding is gone, you can start teaching the child to fall asleep on her own.

Place the baby in the crib while she is still awake. This step is critical to the Ferber Method. Dr. Ferber believes that putting the child down awake encourages her to learn to fall asleep without parental involvement.

Do Not Sleep in the Same Room

When the baby wakes, follow a schedule of “interventions” as outlined below. Interventions include rubbing or patting the baby’s back. Talk softly and stay for only 2 or 3 minutes. Do not pick up or feed the baby. Use the schedule below as a guideline, but adapt it to your needs:

• Day One – Let the baby cry for 5 minutes before going in to comfort her. Next, wait 10 minutes before the second intervention, and then 15 minutes for the third. If the baby is still crying after 15 minutes, maintain the 15-minute interval for the rest of the night.
• Day Two – Increase the first interval to 10 minutes. The second crying interval should be 15 minutes, and the third should be 20 minutes. Keep the crying interval at 20 minutes for the rest of the night.
• Day Three – Increase the first interval to 15 minutes. The second crying interval should be 20 minutes, and the third should be 25 minutes. Maintain the 25-minute interval for the rest of the night.

Many children start sleeping well by the end of this three-day schedule. If not, most will begin to respond by the end of one week.

Benefits of the Ferber Method

Supporters of the Ferber Method believe that teaching a child to sleep independently encourages self-reliance. The method has also proven effective in reducing nighttime wakefulness in babies, resulting in better sleep for everyone.

Ferber’s method was designed to minimize unnecessary crying while providing comfort to the baby. In the 2006 revised edition of his book, Dr. Ferber introduces more flexibility to his approach, stating that a wide range of methods may be needed and that parents should consider what is best for their families.

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Picking Up a Baby

The question of when and if you should pick up a baby is surprisingly controversial. I say “surprisingly” because to me it has always seemed perfectly natural that you would pick up and try to comfort a crying baby. After I had my first child, I quickly discovered that my opinion is not universally shared. Some people believe that constantly picking up fussy or crying babies is the same as rewarding bad behavior and that babies who are given attention when they cry will become spoiled, dependent children.

There is little evidence to support this belief, but it persists. There is also little hope of finding a “right” answer since both sides argue with equal fervor the merits of their respective positions. Those in favor of picking up babies cite studies proving that physical contact is an important factor in the mental development of babies. Further, they state, babies were held and picked up for millennia and it is only in recent times and in certain cultures (read: North American) that people have begun leaving babies to cry for fear of spoiling them.

On the other side of this argument, those against picking up crying babies will tell you that babies need to learn how to deal with frustration and be taught that they cannot get everything they want. They will also tell you that crying does not hurt a baby. If the people you are arguing with are your parents, they may say that you were left to cry as a baby and suffered no ill effects.

Of course, context is critical here. No one on either side of the discussion would advocate leaving a very young, sick, hurt or scared baby to cry. The idea of teaching a baby that he cannot always get what he wants depends on age. It is pretty tough to claim that an infant is trying to manipulate her parents by crying, but an older child may be guilty of such an offence. If the baby in question is crying instead of sleeping, take a deep breath. With this issue you have entered the difficult terrain of “cry it out” versus “attachment parenting”.

Rocking a Baby to Sleep – Is it Okay?

Sleep and babies do not always go together. There are endless resources about how to get a baby to sleep but they all seem to come down to the Ferber Method, also referred to by some as the “cry it out” method, and attachment parenting.

The Ferber Method shows parents how to teach their child to soothe himself to sleep from the age of 5 or 6 months. It is often misunderstood as a somewhat cold method that leaves babies to cry it out until they fall asleep. In fact, Dr. Ferber does not call his method by the “cry it out” name, nor does he advocate leaving babies alone in the dark. His method focuses on small interventions by parents with the ultimate goal of having babies learn to fall asleep on their own. Dr. Ferber advises parents not to pick up a baby crying in her crib and not to rock a baby to sleep. His idea of parental intervention includes a few soothing words and some pats on the back, but nothing more than that.

Attachment parenting involves a variety of interventions by parents and also encompasses the idea of the family bed, or co-sleeping. With this approach, parents are encouraged to rock their babies to sleep, cuddle them, play soothing music, and lay down or sleep with their babies.

As with the issue of picking up a baby, both methods of getting babies to sleep seem to have equal numbers of supporters and detractors.

What is a Parent To Do?

With people on both sides of these issues having drawn up a list of pros and cons, it is hard for parents to know what to do. In my admittedly unscientific poll of friends with children, I have found that most go with what their instincts tell them. They will pick up a baby who needs comforting, but may, at another time, leave him to cry for a few minutes until he falls asleep. They may have their baby nap in a crib but bring her into bed with them at night. Depending on how Baby is feeling, they may just place him in his crib and let him fall asleep sucking his thumb, or they may rock him to sleep with soft music playing in the background.

The “right” answer to both of these dilemmas includes a combination of instinct and judgment of what the situation requires and what your family can bear. In short, be flexible, be adaptable and do what works best for you.

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