Are you surprised to know that love tops the list of Americans’ reasons to marry? Probably not. “About nine in ten Americans (88%) cited love as a fundamental reason to get married, ahead of making a lifelong commitment (81%) and companionship (76%), according to a Pew Research Center survey.”

Marriage is hard, so being in love is an excellent place to start the journey if you’re going to do it. But if most people get married for love, why does the divorce rate still hover around 50% for first-timers and even higher for second and third marriages?

The answer is complicated. But what I know for sure is that divorce sucks.

I’m divorced. The years of separation and estrangement leading to the disillusionment of my starter marriage were dense with suffering and disbelief. I never imagined that at 30 years old, I would be navigating cancer while also losing my best friend (a.k.a hubby #1). The compound grief of these crises skewed my view of life and love. For years I thought that I would never love again. I learned a lot from my first marriage but didn’t fully understand the upside of my divorce until well into my second marriage.

The best thing that happened to my current marriage was my first marriage.

The pain of losing my first love and the most valued relationship of my young adult life pushed me to create space for grace and forgiveness in my current relationship. I don’t take an intimate partnership for granted because I know that even when two people love each other, relationships can fracture, and people who once honored each other end up hurting each other. I don’t think that my current husband and I would have made the 10-year mark without our past relationship failures.

Here’s an inside look separated into three lessons we’ve learned over the years.

1. Bring Up the Past

Ok, before you pounce, hear me out. I am not advocating for rehashing old fights or stirring up past offenses. But when times get tough, it can be helpful to remember why you chose each other in the first place.

Reminiscing is a useful therapeutic tool that soothes the edges of grief and discomfort. When my husband irritates me, I must remember all the ‘right’ things he has said and done. When I focus on his strengths it is easier to address the present discomfort or pain with clarity and grace.

My husband and I like to have ‘remember when’ conversations. We remember past trips, meals, or moments and end up laughing out loud or smiling quietly inside. Life is uncertain and full of challenges. Having a solid recollection of the good memories will fortify you during seasons of suffering.

2. Make Room for Grief

Living is about saying goodbye to people, jobs, feelings, and experiences and then moving forward. Grief unites us. Everyone is constantly in some stage of grief. But everyone grieves differently. Making room for individual and collective grief is essential for a healthy partnership because grief needs room to breathe. When you don’t give yourself the time and space to grieve, you stunt your growth because the contained grief is suffocating.

3. Stay on the Same Page

This lesson is the most important. There will be times when you will end up on separate pages but you must strive to stay connected.

My husband and I are not the same people we were ten years ago. Cancer, infertility, miscarriage, early onset menopause, job loss, and countless other experiences have changed both of us. But to grow together through these crises, we had to stay connected to what matters. There had to be a few core beliefs, values, and non-negotiables to ground us and keep us in check to remain on the same page.

Whether it is finances, friendships, or faith, working to stay on the same page is vital. And yes, it takes work. We both come from different cultural backgrounds and do not share the same lived experiences. We disagree and debate all the time but ultimately come together. Why? Because we know that if we want to thrive, we must create a page big enough to accommodate the complexities of our past and our present. We understand that together we can write a beautiful story that makes room for joy, creates space for grace, and propels us toward our individual and collective purpose.

Relationships aren’t easy, and that’s ok because easy is overrated.

Cheers to you and cheers to my husband! He’s a keeper. Let these lessons inspire you to reimagine your current relationship or plan for a future one.

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Perhaps one of the only things more painful than enduring a divorce is living through a broken marriage. Divorce is a time of transition—an emotionally shattering process that is the only path to a happier, more hopeful future.

Can you minimize the psychic wallop you’re feeling? If you understand the source of the hurt, you can make simple changes that can ease the agony. How many of these pain triggers do you have—how many does your spouse have?

Fear of abandonment. If you don’t have strong ties to friends or family, you can feel like a divorce will leave you utterly alone in the world. For those of you who have had a hard time forming relationships, divorce will almost certainly feel like being abandoned. The reaction is often overwhelming anger, especially when those fears have been shared with the spouse, but the divorce proceeds anyway. This leads to the classic “ugly” divorce in which the only people to profit are the lawyers.

The Fix: Shore up your confidence. You won’t always be alone; there’s someone out there for everyone. If your marriage isn’t working, then this wasn’t the right person for you, and you can’t get to the real winner until you move past this relationship.

Remember that trying to keep more of the family assets will do nothing to ease your loneliness. Trying to punish your spouse for wounding your spirit will probably end up being the most expensively unsatisfying experience of your life.

Fear of responsibility. If you and your spouse shared life responsibilities, then having to take on 100% of the tasks is frightening. Perplexingly, this is most common among wealthy couples. Fear of poverty seems irrational when there are generous assets to be distributed, but for the spouse who never had to worry about money before the divorce, the required change in mentality is sometimes undigestible. Foot-dragging and stall tactics slow the process of divorce as a result, even when the fearful person was the one who initiated the divorce.

The Fix: Financial planning can be easier through divorce mediation (as opposed to using lawyers) because the mediator is committed to a fair distribution of assets and not on just “the win”. Equip yourself with knowledge on income projections, budgeting, comparison to others in your geographic area, life planning, a re-evaluation of how much money you’ll be spending on adult children, stepping up your earning, selling your house, etc.

Own the reality: You cannot expect to be in the same financial situation after your divorce as you were in your marriage—even if the divorce was not your idea.

Fear of “untethering.” Some divorcing parents are afraid they’ll lose touch with their children and will never again feel like part of a family. Even if you won’t admit to this fear, untethering from the family is so painful that you might put up roadblocks to the divorce—like settlement offers, bargaining tactics, punishments disguised as offers, and unending reasons why the case cannot be settled. The fear of untethering is self-inflicted, and generally reflects that parent’s lack of involvement with the family prior to the divorce.

The Fix: Get more involved in your children’s lives. Create a new type of family as a single parent. Often, the less involved parent discovers the capacity to be a wonderful father or mother once the other spouse is no longer in the picture. It’s never too late to show your children how much you love and care about them. Go out and have a fun day with them, enjoy a pleasant meal, get to know their friends. Your kids will benefit from some happy, unstructured time with you.

When your love and trust is shattered, it’s hard not to want to put the other person through hell, too. That’s just human nature. But you can ease your pain during the divorce by understanding the fears that may be motivating you.

It wouldn’t hurt so much if you hadn’t loved so deeply. Your agony is a testament to how strongly you can feel. There will be happiness in your future. Try not to make your present into a battlefield… and be kind to yourself.

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In my practice as a divorce mediator, I see couples who simply chose the wrong partner. They married in good faith, but it didn’t work out.

However, more often than not, I see marriages ending for reasons that could have been avoided with a little attention from both spouses. If your marriage isn’t healthy for you, by all means, seek the benefit of divorce. But if you hope to work through a rough patch and avoid a visit to my office, here are some common modern-day situations that are leading to divorce:

1. Mom ditches the stay-at-home dad who stays home even after the kids are in school. It may not be fair or equitable, but it’s happening: women are leaving husbands they perceive as coasting on a full-time parenting gig once the kids are in school. Resentments build up. Avoid this by: getting a job. Men need to work, or their wives will find a man who does.

2. Fathers leave mothers who are hyper-focused on their children. Dad can start feeling like a neglected bystander. Someone else might be willing to give him more attention. Avoid this by: remembering that he’s your friend and companion. Let him know the kids’ needs are no more important than his.

3. Wives dump husbands with an internet porn addiction. The signs are clear: he’s no longer interested in the real world of flesh-and-blood humanity, and he spends hours alone at the computer. Avoid this by: paying attention to his online behavior and helping him address a porn problem… or fasten your seatbelt for a very strange marriage.

4. Someone re-discovers an old love on Facebook. Cheating almost always stems from sheer boredom. The job is unfulfilling, the household chores are never-ending, and there’s rarely any excitement in the bedroom anymore. Isn’t there anything to look forward to? Then an old flame appears on Facebook, and the faithful-but-bored spouse takes some giant steps backward. Avoid this by: carving out time for fun. There are no chores more worthwhile than keeping your marriage and your life filled with light and joy.

5. Spouses don’t fulfill all possible roles. We’re all too busy these days to have the friend networks we once did, so we look to our partners to fill many different roles. Best friend, lover, co-parent, joint hobby enthusiast, social partner, business consultant, life financial partner, life planner—no one person should be expected to fill all these positions. Yet we often expect our partners to be everything to us. It’s unrealistic. Avoid this by: getting involved in your life outside the marriage. Reach out to others, form secondary bonds that nurture and invigorate your primary bond with your spouse. Then bring your more fulfilled and interesting self home, and cherish the results!

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Decide to commit to your vision of a better life:

Your ideal vision steps over all the tough parts. You hope that you’ll be okay or that it can’t be all that difficult since so many people go through divorces. But in truth, how you get through yours depends upon one decision. Are you going to have a better life or not?

This means you’re willing to face the healing that is required. To take on your mistakes as well as old beliefs. Look at your history and your behavior yesterday as well as today. Once you take responsibility for where you are, you set up a big commitment for your future vision.

Let the past go:

So much easier said than done! No one wants to forget their favorite lover or their most cherished pain. We hang onto those stories like we held onto our mother’s hands as toddlers. Letting go is powerful work. It’s a moment by moment experience that requires tremendous faith in a future you haven’t yet seen or lived into. But remembering “the past is as over as WWII” is required. We have no idea what our futures bring!

Release the fear and anger:

Fear and anger are the condiments to a delicious meal. We love the pain while in the midst of the fighting, negotiating, and story-telling. Parting with our pain, fear, and anger is akin to starvation when there’s been a steady diet of food. We do not want to let go of our self-righteousness (justified or not). This is an appropriate reaction to what divorce brings out.

I’m not a big believer in just forgiving or forgetting. I don’t proscribe you simply step over the anger toward some holier than thou concept that “all is forgiven”. It’s not. To do so only short-circuits the healing to be done. This is the most difficult passage to attend to. If you don’t get through it though, you’ll get what I call Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder. This task is not to be taken lightly.

Find yourself the right support and commit to your healing. Your future self will thank you.

Gather yourself up again:

Once you’re able to let go and feel the feels again, you start to claim back your self-esteem and self-confidence. You realize you’re not going to break apart. You’ll begin to become whole again. Fear, tears, anger are simply the cries of a broken heart.

Breathe. Put yourself together in the morning. Go to work with some pep in your step. Choose optimism. Radiate security (even when it’s hard). When you’re no longer responsible for the blame and can let go of the shame, you get to look forward instead of back in time.

Learn to love again:

Learning to love is more complicated than you’ll wish it to be. Let’s be clear, learning to love has nothing to do with having sex. You can have sex all day long without love. Love means being able to let go, forgive yourself, open your heart again, and be willing to trust another human being to see you as you are. This is no small task after a divorce!

In order to have the ideal vision of a better life, each post-divorce passage must be mastered. They will weave in and out. You’ll conquer one step one day, only to find you’ve slid backwards the next. This is normal even unavoidable in setting the stage for your new life. And when you do, you’ll stand with your heart in your hand ready to share it. You’ll be able to have your vision of a better life. One filled with the love you wanted all along.

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We look at the intimate husband-wife commitment with the idea of two people creating a life together. The daily choice to be faithful, loving, and kind requires us to override our innate antagonism, our daily frustrations, and our mercurial moods. Men and women equally can make a marriage miserable without some kind of commitment to the bonds of their marriage contract and a willingness to grow together, and be kind.

So if one partner chooses to step out of their commitment, dally in friendship, flirtation, and infidelity, there’s usually no closure. The faithful partner is left to pick up the pieces of their family and manage their broken heart on their own.

In such cases, there’s often no discussion, useful explanation or logical reasoning. Sometimes the story makes sense – it’s the need for outside affection, stimulation, love, or just sex that pulls one partner’s attention away from their vows. But for the person left, then what?

The pain of being left is devastating. It completely rocks your world. It can take a very long time to understand how to get over a breakup you didn’t want or you didn’t have a say in. That sort of loss affects us on a deeply personal level. It calls into question our self-worth, our identity, our self-confidence, our sex appeal, our beliefs, our trust in others, and institutions. It rips away the fabric of our lives.

When that happens, on our knees, it’s difficult to face the shame and stigma most people have towards those who divorce. It’s easier to pull in and hide. I spent an enormous amount of time second guessing myself. I had to be careful: such thoughts can cause permanent pain, a sense of righteousness, heightened anger toward the opposite sex, long-drawn out court battles, and a loss of faith in the very idea of marriage.

It’s cruel to leave another who thought you were their soulmate. It’s also cruel to abandon your friendships when this occurs. Remaining hopeful and optimistic is crucial. The ending, as painful as it is, doesn’t need to be the end of one’s entire life. And those of us on the outside looking in can offer so much more than we realize.

My goal is lofty: to create community healing from divorce. Leaving the legacy of shame and stigma in the past so that one can recreate their life moving forward. But I need your help.

As you look around your community consider those in need of compassion and kindness. (Especially when they don’t want it.) Help them feel included. They may resist, vent, argue, and turn down your offer. Please know, they truly just need a dose of patience and are doing the best they can. On one’s own, there’s often no manual for a breakup based on being dumped.

The one thing I needed during my divorce was to be included at my friend’s homes; to be invited and considered, as opposed to feeling shunned. If you can muster it, invite your friends to your dinner table, help them have a good day. Workout together and include them in your activities.

Sometimes, divorce is truly unavoidable, and the manuals for how to get over a break up, are being written by all of us today, in community.

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Understandably, many people going through a divorce feel comfortable in their current homes and do not want to move. However, in some cases, maintaining the home is simply not an affordable option. For example, if the parties were already struggling to make mortgage payments while married and sharing expenses, it is mathematically logical that this issue will persist—or even worsen—after the divorce, when one household physically divides into two.

Even if a party has enough funds to keep the house and pay the mortgage after the divorce, the payment may be substantial enough to consume the overwhelming majority of one’s income or support payments. This would leave less money available for other purchases than would be the case with a less expensive residence.

A party who rigidly expects the other party to continue paying all expenses after the divorce, including the mortgage, may need to reconsider whether such a result is logically attainable and reasonable. If a court order requiring such an arrangement is likely to impoverish the paying party—leaving them unable to afford a reasonable budget for themselves—a court may refrain from entering such an order. Generally, resolutions should be reasonably balanced and fair to both parties, not just one.

Many people are so intimidated by the prospect of moving that they don’t even consider alternative options, instead clinging to a home that may be very hard to afford after the divorce, even when considering all potential sources of money, such as employment, spousal support, or child support. However, every divorcing party owes it to themselves to at least explore other housing options and their associated costs before automatically ruling out moving as a possibility.

Before serving as a judge, I was an attorney for over 20 years. During that time, I encountered many divorcing parties who initially refused to even consider moving, only to completely change their minds after meeting with a rental agent or realtor and seeing for themselves what options were available. Some parties literally changed their positions overnight after giving themselves a fair chance to explore homes that were nice, more affordable, and easier to maintain. Instead of burdening themselves with an unaffordable home, they suddenly wanted to sell the marital home immediately and access whatever equity was in it for other important expenses as they began the next chapter of their lives.

There is no one “right” or “wrong” decision when it comes to keeping or not keeping the marital home. The key is that open-minded individuals need to explore all reasonable options before making a sound financial decision about what they truly want or need to do in their particular case. For example, some parties decide they want to move but prefer to wait until their children finish a certain grade of school before selling the home. If a couple is getting divorced and has a 16-year-old son or daughter, they may wish to wait until the child graduates high school before selling the home. However, such an arrangement may be more difficult if the child is younger and the mortgage is high and difficult to afford.

There are, of course, many other relevant considerations. Sometimes, a party who wishes to keep the marital home will buy out the other party’s interest in the home through refinancing. While divorcing couples can agree to such an arrangement, it is important for the person keeping the home to first consider whether they can afford the mortgage payments after the buy-out and refinance. Otherwise, that person may cause themselves substantial economic stress and harm by making a financially unwise decision to cling to the marital home at all costs.

In conclusion, decisions regarding the marital home should generally be based on reason, rather than emotion. If you are facing this issue in a divorce, it’s wise to fully discuss the matter with an attorney and a financial expert before determining your position regarding the marital home.

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Many schools of thought about marriage seem to indicate that couples should see divorce as a consequence in a marriage. If you are constantly aware that there could be some reactions from your actions, divorce being one of them, you will be less likely to stray from the straight and arrow path, right? And by realizing the possibility of divorce, you will always be able to negotiate through the muddy waters of marriage with some clarity. The problem with this line of thinking is that it creates quite a bit of insecurity in a marriage. If you are constantly worrying or thinking about the fact that you could end up divorced, or that your partner could ultimately leave you you will proceed with such caution that you will fail to be authentic. This is no way to be married. (At least no good way to be). And the bottom line is that marriage should be about security and stability, not insecurity and sporadic behavior.

Most people, use the threat of divorce for the sheer ‘shut-up’ factor. They know that when things aren’t going their way or that there is a problem looming; they can avoid confrontation and argument by simply saying they want a divorce. This works especially well if the person using the threat realizes that the spouse they are threatening will shrivel at the mere mention of the ‘D’ word. Suffice it to say, if threatening divorce works’.and you always back down from your position or from the argument when the word is hailed, you have a part in teaching your partner this behavior. And no, this doesn’t make it any more right. It actually indicates that there is a major problem in your relationship that has much more to do with respect and compassion than it does the ‘issue’ at hand.

Essentially, many people use the divorce card as a succinct way to ‘win’ or end an argument.

Yet, there is another factor as well. Often, when people are unhappy in a marriage they displace their feelings on the other person. For instance, when someone is cheating, they often accuse the partner of cheating. When it comes to threatening divorce, it very well could be that your partner is trying to plant ideas in YOUR head, because the divorce is what they really want. Lots of people are unhappy in their relationships, and even with no valid reasons would be happier without the ring and ties of marriage. So by constantly threatening divorce, they are looking for ways to justify how they feel, or hopefully set the wheels in motion (in your head) with the hopes that they wont be the bad guy.

Unfortunately, it is difficult at best to understand or decide which motive your partner has in threatening divorce. ‘

The best advice that you can be given is to understand this. First of all, idle threats and intimidation WILL NOT work in a marriage. You might as well be divorced. The emotional ramifications of being treated like this will stymie your happiness and your growth as a person. So what you need to do if you are on the receiving end of these threats is to just once say, ‘Okay!’ ‘Move out!’ ‘Let’s do it!’ And mean it. Perhaps a trial separation will help you realize that the marriage isn’t healthy. But more important by calling this person on their threats, you force them to pay attention to what THEY are saying, and stand up for yourself in the process. Sure, it could be scary to respond in this manner, however if you are never able to move past the issues at hand or discuss problems in your marriage to the point of resolution, you really have nothing to lose.

Depending on your partners personality set, they may react in numerous ways. They may try to cast blame on you, or they may back peddle a little (or a lot) realizing that they have threatened divorce one too many times. Either way, it could be a positive changing point in your relationship.

Yet, you should realize that what you have to say, discuss and what you feel should be heralded as important. When someone loves you, they shouldn’t have to resort to childish tactics of making threats to get their way. And just as divorce is a consequence for improper actions in a marriage, calling his or her bluff is an appropriate consequence for dealing with a spouse who constantly threatens divorce.

The bottom line is this! Threatening divorce is not the way to deal with issues in the marriage. Eventually the person on the receiving end of these threats will tire of them, and will lose their fear of being divorced in lieu of being free from this sort of treatment from someone they love. Yes, there are certain issues within your marriage that may warrant divorce, or the threat of divorce. But it isn’t something that healthy couples say every time they argue. The best advice is to get help as a couple or simply get out of the relationship.

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Obviously, if a couple has children – divorce changes the entire idea of parenting. No matter what sort of custody arrangement that you make, it means sharing the kids and trying to work out the intricacies of parenting on your own. For the children, the divorce can bring about an entirely new geography as well as the need for resiliency and adaptation. Mom and dad’s home will be vastly different from the home that they now know. Money, too changes with divorce. No matter if you are a two or one income household; the financial ramifications of divorce send many flailing into bankruptcy. Suddenly, there are two electrical bills where there used to be just one and groceries needed in two places – doubling the need. If one parent was not working before the divorce, chances are they will have to now, which creates a new and different life for the children and for your financial picture.

Your Finances will Change after a Divorce

Financial lending, credit cards, and even your insurance company will suddenly see you in a different light, classifying you as something risky and unstable – all because of a divorce. The PTA, the recreation center where you coach, may not see you as such a desirable interest. Inevitably, everything changes with divorce. The way you are perceived by the outside world is definitely one of those things.

These things are all expected. In fact, millions of people put of divorce or settle for less than a blissful marriage for years because they do not want to deal with the changes to their lifestyle or family. One of the number one reasons that people stay in an unhappy marriage is because of the kids. And money doesn’t hurt either. There are plenty of people who although unhappy, just cannot afford to divorce their spouse.

Some things however are not so expected. You assume that your life is your life when you are married and that the people that mean a lot to you, will always be there in your life. Then, you get divorced and you realize that blood really is thicker than water. Suddenly the annual summer vacation with the in-laws, the Christmas shopping with your sister in law and the golf trip with your brother in law are off limits for you. If you have been married a long time, there is a pretty good chance that divorce changes everything about how these people, once your family, will now treat you. They immediately feel that they have to choose sides and that siding with you, no matter how much they love you, feels like a betrayal to their own family member.

Consider how Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthday arrangements will be made. It just doesn’t make sense for people on the in-law side of you family to invite you and their own flesh and blood. And whom should they be more loyal to? Most, will choose their blood relative. Likewise, how your family treats your ex after the divorce can have an impact on your relationship with them. Seeing your ex husband and father on a fishing excursion when you think your ex is the devil in disguise, will not do much for creating warm feelings for your dad.

Rituals, traditions, and other things that have been part of your life since you became married will have to be given up, much to the tune of divine chocolate. New traditions will have to replace these old ones, even with friends.

Your friends, his friends, or her friends – they too will change. Now that you are single, you may not fit into the neighborhood Poker tournament every Saturday night. You may be hard pressed to find your old married friends willing to escort you on evenings out that now pass the time for you. You will also find that some of your friends will also choose sides in the divorce. If you became great friends with your husband’s best friend’s wife – she too may now be off limits. And these things hurt. Truth be told, a lot of the people that you counted on for assistance and support throughout your life, who you have invested hard-core time and love in developing relationships with and who seem to make your life feel whole, may no longer be available. You might be forced to sit on the outskirts, hearing the updates and stories about your old friends through the experiences of your children. And this can hurt for a long time to come. It is essentially like starting over – with a whole lot of baggage and hurt feelings to carry around with you.

It is no wonder that so many people put off divorce and resist thinking about it out of convenience. Everything does change with divorce. There isn’t a relationship or an aspect of your life that won’t experience some sort of long-term transition. This doesn’t mean that all of the changes are necessarily negative; just that they exist. Even in the unhappiest of marriages, there are many parts of your life that came to into being because you decided to get married. If it was as easy as saying, “see you later,” with no real long lasting or infectious losses to come in the years ahead, even more people would be filing for divorce than there already is. Being prepared for the obvious changes in your life is easy, but the ones that you didn’t expect can truly hurt the most.

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Divorce can indeed be a positive experience. It can provide a rebirth in life—ending a painful situation, prompting you to take a hard look at your life, and empowering you to make firm decisions based on your happiness rather than someone else’s. It’s also an excellent opportunity to reflect on your mistakes and the lessons learned, allowing you to decide what you want to carry forward. Even if the divorce wasn’t your choice or something you wanted, the eventual outcome—once you have processed the pain and grief—can be transformative and empowering.

You might not be in that place yet. You may still be reeling from the shock of the situation or grappling with intense emotions that arise when life throws you a curveball. That’s okay. Give yourself the time and space you need to grow and heal. Remember that God never gives you challenges you can’t handle. This, my friend, is one of those challenges. Learning to be self-reliant and to see yourself as whole rather than half of a couple is a beautiful journey. You may discover and pursue bigger dreams than you ever imagined.

Of course, if you need reminders of times when divorce can genuinely be a good thing, read on! Some of these reasons may resonate with you, some may make you laugh, and others may bring tears to your eyes.

Divorce Can Be a Good Thing When:

• You haven’t had sex in over a year (or more). Sex is wonderful, exciting, and fun, and you’ve been missing out. More than half of all married couples experience extended periods of being sexless, which is rather ridiculous if you ask me. You don’t have to like your partner to enjoy sex with them. But now, you can seek and enjoy sex again—just for the sake of it. (Try not to get too crazy with it!) You’ll likely wonder why you waited so long when you have that first orgasm after a year or two without one.
• If your ex was a spender, you will be able to save a ton of money. Okay, so divorce can be expensive too—but it doesn’t have to be. At least now, you know that your hard-earned money isn’t going towards an endless supply of shoes or new pipes for a rusty old Harley. You get to decide where your money goes.
• The annoying, frustrating arguments—like leaving the toilet seat up, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, cluttering the sink with makeup, or using one another’s razors—are officially OVER. You become the master of your domain and can do whatever you want without worrying about causing a passive-aggressive “War of the Roses.”
• Remember that family member or friend of your ex that you HATED? Now you can tell them exactly how you feel (if you haven’t already). And those crazy family gatherings? No more Christmases spent watching them drink too much eggnog and remove their clothing.
• You can go and do as you please whenever you want. Even if you didn’t have to ask for permission before, now you have total freedom to explore the world without needing to call someone or share your plans.
• Were you married to someone who snores or steals the covers? Ha! Reclaim your good night’s sleep.
• If you felt like you had no control over the television during your marriage, now is your time to catch up on what you’ve been missing. You can watch whatever you want—or nothing at all if you prefer. You can stay up as late as you want or go to bed as early as you like!
• No one can laugh at you for having a dream. And no one can influence you to not follow your dream. Couples don’t usually do this on purpose, but it often happens.
• You might become a better parent if you have children. Many couples find they can parent their kids more happily when they aren’t weighed down by irritating relationship issues.
• Now, it won’t matter if HE (or she) forgets an anniversary or birthday!
• If you were in an abusive relationship, then divorce is a lifeline. Now you can take the lessons learned and move forward.

Of course, there are countless other reasons, big and small, that can make divorce a good thing in your life. Ultimately, it’s up to you. If you perceive the divorce as the end of the world, it will feel that way. If you see it as an ending, it will be. But if you have the courage to view it as the beginning of something new, as a fresh chance in life—then that’s how your divorce will be! Choose your thoughts wisely.

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Many individuals are mutually deciding to endure an unhappy marriage because they can’t afford a divorce. With one in five homes worth significantly less today than they were just four years ago, even financially comfortable couples may lack enough equity to afford living independently or acquiring new residences.

This raises the question: what can you do when you can’t afford a divorce? Should you stay? Should you revert to living like you did in college, subsisting on ramen noodles and beer? Is the pursuit of personal happiness worth taking a deep dive into a lesser financial class?

This question has even stumped the experts.

One thing is certain: if the end of the relationship is due to physical or emotional abuse, staying together for financial reasons is NOT an option. In such cases, you should explore ALL available options. Financial woes tend to worsen abusive situations over time, and relationships marked by violence rarely improve. If this resonates with you, understand that you will be better off once removed from the situation. Talk to friends or family members about temporary support.

If violence is NOT the problem, and you both have mutually reached the end of your marital journey, you might consider waiting out the economic downturn. For couples who can still communicate without anger or resentment, it’s possible to establish mutually beneficial cohabitation arrangements in the short term. The key is to sit down together and hammer out the details and ground rules, without pretending that the marriage is thriving. Acknowledge the eventual outcome and create temporary living arrangements that work for both of you and your family. For many facing dwindling home values and declines in savings, this is a pragmatic approach to marriage. However, it is not free of emotional struggles—especially if one partner is surprised by the idea of divorce. When discussing this type of arrangement, aim to remain level-headed and keep personal emotions out of the conversation (easier said than done!).

Money Magazine also recommends that couples begin developing a financial plan. This includes opening separate bank accounts, dividing bills and household expenses, and using the time to build credit and reduce debt. The less debt you have going into a divorce, the better off both parties will be. If one person is a stay-at-home parent, this also allows them time to find a job and build a resume, which can improve their financial situation when the time for a legal divorce arrives. If you work together wisely during this time, you can emerge from the divorce more prepared and financially stable. This approach demonstrates respect for one another and a mature handling of the end of a legally binding agreement. Consider this: if your employer or landlord requires a 30-day notice, it is only reasonable to treat your partner with at least as much respect.

On average, a divorce costs around $15,000 out of pocket. For most people, this is a significant amount in legal expenses. The divorce rates advertised on television and billboards—offering minimal fees such as $249.00 for an uncontested divorce—will NOT help you divide retirement assets or address property division, mediation, or child custody issues. For many, there are essential safeguards to consider after investing so many years in a marriage.

The cost also depends on the number of disputes between you and whether custody is an issue. Custody battles can be financially and emotionally exhausting. This is another major reason many people feel stuck and see divorce as an unattainable option.

In 2012, The Huffington Post reported that for many, divorce is simply a luxury. According to their statistics, about 15% of people in unhappy marriages will separate but take nearly ten years to follow through on legal divorce paperwork due to financial constraints. The vast majority wait nearly three years to legally divorce after a separation, citing financial reasons as the primary barrier to a speedy divorce. Even though this extra time encourages 5% of couples to attempt reconciliation, the actual number of couples who get back together and stay married is extremely low. Among couples with children, approximately 35% admit they are staying in an unhappy marriage due to the catastrophic effects divorce could have on their children.

All you can do when faced with the uncertainty of a divorce is your best. Just remember that no matter what, you aren’t alone—and you DO have options. They may not be perfect, but they might be amicable enough to help you navigate this significant life transition.

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