Essential Documents for Including Grandchildren in Your Will

In addition to a last will and testament, you should also create a living will, often referred to as a health care directive. Beyond these two documents, certain additional documents must be in place to include your grandchildren in your will.

You must ensure that your will specifies the executors, guardians, and trustees. If you have minor children, these designations are necessary to prevent the monetary assets you leave to your grandchildren from being tied up in red tape. Designate one trusted person in your family as the power of attorney, who will handle the financial aspects of your will and related matters. This person won’t be able to override your last will and testament but can mediate and intervene should issues arise.

If you have life insurance and want to ensure that your grandchildren are included, you must designate them as beneficiaries. For minor children, clauses should be in place to ensure that the money stays in escrow until they reach a certain age or milestone. Designate their parents as guardians of the account to prevent them from accessing the funds before their child reaches a specific age. To determine how much life insurance you need, consult a trusted and qualified insurance professional, as rates vary significantly from company to company.

Another issue that can arise from improper planning is unclear language. Simply designating a percentage of the estate or a specific dollar amount to all grandchildren is insufficient. You must list each grandchild specifically, providing their dates of birth and social security numbers to ensure proper division of the funds. Additionally, consider that more grandchildren may be born after your passing. If you want these children included as well, you must make provisions for them and develop escrow estate funding to accommodate their inclusion. Failing to do so could lead to disputes among your grown children and result in your estate being tied up in court.

When designating executors for your grandchildren—necessary to keep the funds out of state or federal judicial processes—you don’t have to choose a parent or guardian. You can select a trusted friend, professional acquaintance, or agency to act in the best interest of your grandchildren. Again, make the language very specific to avoid any legal discrepancies. Including your grandchildren in your will and ensuring they receive what you intend should be carefully overseen by an attorney.

If you have an extended stepfamily, it’s vital to specifically include these children—by name and social security number—if you want them to receive anything. Unless your child has legally adopted a stepchild, the judicial system will not recognize them as eligible to inherit unless you state their name explicitly.

Another consideration is taxation. While you want to include your grandchildren in your will, you don’t want to prematurely burden them with tax issues. Legally, you can transfer up to $12,000 per year to each grandchild without incurring taxes. This means that two grandparents can gift a total of $24,000 per year without tax implications for their grandchildren. Be aware that a skipping tax may apply if you bequeath directly to grandchildren while bypassing their parents. For particularly large estates, simply leaving money or instructions for the grandchildren is not enough. You must be very clear about the laws regarding amounts and purposes of the funds. You can legally set up accounts before you pass and designate your grandchildren as beneficiaries to fall under specific tax requirements, ensuring they are not excessively taxed.

When it comes to estate law, it’s difficult to be overprepared. If you want to include grandchildren in your will, it’s essential to consult a professional to ensure the language of your will is clear. When dividing physical assets, be specific about which items are designated for whom. You cannot simply state that grandchild A is to receive your hall painting and expect that they will. The division of assets—especially across generations and among multiple children and grandchildren—should be periodically reviewed and discussed with your family in advance. Ultimately, estate law is about precise wording and preparation, not just conversations about your wishes. The worst outcome is having your estate tied up in court for months or years. You also want to avoid leaving behind confusing messages that could divide your family.

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The reality is that many older people remarry, which means more children are growing up with more than two grandmas and grandpas. This extends the family dynamic to a whole new level and can often be more confusing for the adults than for the children.

The Changing Family Structure

When grandparents remarry, it’s only natural that they want their new spouse to share in the lives of their children and grandchildren. Many grandchildren come into this world knowing nothing else but the fact that they have three grandmas or grandpas. While they may ask questions early on about why someone isn’t married, they usually just accept things the way they are—provided their parents do the same. With divorce rates soaring, it stands to reason that many children in the next decade will have multiple grandparents in their lives, broadening their horizons and their families. So, how exactly do you explain this to children?

The best answer is to wait until they ask. Around the age of five, children often begin to wonder who belongs to whom in their life. They may want to know who your mom is and may not fully understand the concept of stepparents or “real” moms. Take a cautious approach and explain things in a way you think they’ll understand. After a simple explanation, most children will be satisfied with the answer. If you mention, for example, that “Grandpa Joe used to be married to Grandma Kate,” you might receive some very cute and uncensored responses, and that’s perfectly fine. Children don’t need to fully grasp marital issues or past relationships—they’re generally happy to have more people to spoil them on their birthday.

As a parent, it’s essential to welcome the new grandparent into your child’s life. You don’t have to like them, and you may still feel bitter about the divorce, but it’s important to act as if everything is okay in the presence of children. Kids are very sensitive to their parents’ emotions, and it’s unfair to place that responsibility on them. Sometimes, the most challenging part of grandparents remarrying is deciding what to call the new spouse. Should you call them “Grandpa” or “Grandma,” or will that offend the other grandparent who is now single? Often, kids will take care of this for you, coming up with their own names for each grandparent, which can relieve some of the discomfort around labels.

Of course, having three grandmas at Grandparents’ Day can be a little awkward. It’s probably not uncomfortable for your child, who will likely feel like the luckiest, most loved person in the room—but it could be for the grandmas. Hopefully, they too can act like adults and make the best of the situation. If they don’t, it’s up to YOU, as the parent, to manage the situation. It’s important not to put your child in the middle of any conflict between the grandmas. Consider planning separate birthday or holiday gatherings and try to divide time equally between all the grandparents.

Now, when grandparents remarry frequently—meaning your child may get a new grandma or grandpa every year, based on your mom or dad’s dating habits—it may not be wise to allow your child to get too attached. Similarly, if the new grandparent doesn’t have experience with children or doesn’t behave the way you’d expect, you have the final say on how much time they spend with your child. However, you should try to set personal feelings aside and always consider your child’s best interests.

When grandparents remarry, you have two choices: You can accept the situation and make the best of it, or you can choose to be upset and resentful. Often, even grown children forget that their parents have needs and desires that go beyond what children bring to their lives. If your mom or dad is happy in their new marriage and has something positive to share, it’s important to support them. If your child is fortunate enough to have three grandparents, then so be it. While you should still have a say in who attends Grandparents’ Day (for Miss Jenny’s sake), you should also be open to your child loving ALL of their grandparents, whether related by blood or otherwise.

The definition of family is constantly changing—it never stays the same. This is true for you, and it’s also true for your parents. Embrace the people in your life and allow them to enjoy your children, just as you do. The new grandma or grandpa brought into your life when grandparents remarry may not have been someone you would have picked, but it’s important not to let that keep your child from forming a relationship with them.

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If you think back to when you were new parents, you’ll understand what I mean. There is a fine line between being helpful and being a nuisance. The key is to stay on the good side. Your first impulse when your children—whom you were convinced would never be able to walk and chew gum at the same time—have their first child is often panic. You know from experience that nothing on Earth can keep you busier or overwhelm normally intelligent adults quite like a newborn. Now, the fate of a new human being is completely in their hands, and you may feel the urge to jump in and rescue them with your experience. The truth is, however hard it may be to accept, that this is usually the wrong approach for several reasons.

First, the parents need time to bond with the newborn and adjust to their new reality. Anything you try to do to help at this point may be seen as interference. The best thing you can do is let them know you’re available whenever they need support. Remember, there’s another set of grandparents on the spouse’s side of the family doing the same thing. If you step in and try to take over, no matter how good your intentions are, you could make your children feel as if you have no confidence in them. This is not ideal. You should never alienate your children or the other grandparents. Offer to help, but don’t be offended if they decline. Many new parents prefer to adjust and find their own way.

Another point to consider is that, as much as we hate to admit it, the world is different now than it was when we were new parents. A lot has changed in the past 30 years. When we were expecting, they couldn’t even tell you the gender of your child until birth, and office pools were common. Today, ultrasound imaging has removed much of the guesswork from the experience of having a child. Advances in medicine and child-rearing practices have transformed the accepted ways of doing things. Your children likely do not want to hear how they are doing it wrong or how you did it (albeit successfully) 30 years ago. Many hospitals and other organizations offer classes on effective grandparenting in today’s world, and these are definitely worth your time.

Here’s a situation that will inevitably arise: You are babysitting, and the child or children refuse to behave. How do you discipline them without upsetting your children? One way to avoid this is to establish the rules with your children ahead of time and learn how they want their children to be corrected. If it becomes a problem, consider offering to pay for a professional babysitter occasionally so they can enjoy a night out. Accepted practices for correcting children have changed significantly in recent decades.

While babies haven’t changed in 30 years, what we know about them has. As I mentioned earlier, it’s a new world filled with mandatory car seats, umbilical cord blood banking, the introduction of solid foods at six months, breast pumps, and breastfeeding, among other technological and social advances. We may not agree with all of them, but that’s the reality. Much has changed in birthing, feeding, and sleeping practices, so it’s essential to catch up on current trends.

The best thing you can do for your children and grandchildren is to practice Positive Grandparenting. This means being supportive, a good listener, and open to learning new things. Your experience is still very valuable; you just need to learn when and how to share it.

Here are a few more tips that may be helpful:

• Don’t give advice until you’re asked, and when you do, be diplomatic.
• Offer to babysit if you want, but you are not obligated. You can also offer to grocery shop, cook, clean, do laundry, or pay for a babysitter instead.
• Avoid arguing about how things are done now versus how you did them.
• Hold the baby and change diapers the way the parents prefer, even if you successfully did it differently a few decades ago.
• Use positive language when correcting your grandchildren. Instead of saying, “You can’t play video games until you finish your homework,” say, “You can play video games after you finish your homework.” Your choice of words greatly affects the feelings associated with the event.
• Make every effort to get along with the other grandparents; your children and grandchildren do not need any additional stress.
• Do your best not to spoil the children, or the parents may be reluctant to bring them over.

As you can see, grandparenting is not always easy, but with a bit of extra care and time, you can avoid many pitfalls. Being a grandparent can truly be the greatest job in the world.

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Without living grandparents, children learn about them through others’ stories. They might hear they have grandma’s eyes or sing as beautifully as grandpa did, but these connections can feel distant. The absence may not affect them until events like Grandparents’ Day at school or hearing friends’ stories about time with their grandparents. When this happens, parents can shape how their child feels. You could dwell on resentment, feeling your child is “cheated,” or you can explain that their grandparents are always with them in spirit, fostering a sense of connection.

Bringing Grandparents to Life

If your child’s grandparents have passed away, bring their memory to life. Share stories and lessons your deceased parents would have wanted their grandchildren to know. Keep their photos around the house or in your child’s room, describing them as guardian angels watching over. This helps children feel their grandparents’ presence, even if only in dreams. Highlight similarities, like shared traits, to show how the circle of life continues through them. If the grandparents were alive when your child was born but passed before they could remember, share photos and stories of the love they showed during those early days.

If the grandparents are alive but uninterested in building a relationship, you may feel angry or hurt. Depending on the reasons, this distance might be for the best, but it doesn’t lessen the sting of what your child misses. Avoid explaining complex family dynamics to your child—they may not understand, and it could make them feel negatively about their family. Instead, share positive traits about their grandparents to instill pride. This way, when they’re swapping stories at school, they can focus on meaningful, uplifting tales. As a parent, you have the power to paint a positive picture of their heritage, even if reality falls short.

Navigating Family Tensions

Tense relationships between you and your parents can complicate things. One of the hardest tasks as a parent is separating your own conflicts from your child’s relationships. If your parents pose no harm, allowing them to connect with your child can add immense love and value to their life, despite your personal issues. Claim your own feelings and let your child build meaningful bonds based on their experiences, not yours. This selfless act is a priceless gift no one else can offer.

If your child feels the absence of grandparents, consider finding substitutes. Older generations often see the simple joys in children that parents might overlook. A neighbor, church member, teacher, coworker, or another kind soul could step in as a grandparent figure. Believing family is only about blood is limiting in a world filled with wonderful people eager to connect.

Children with a strong family foundation gain invaluable support, but sometimes the absence of grandparents is beyond your control. Avoid dwelling in self-pity if your child feels this gap. Instead, embrace the opportunity to share their grandparents’ legacy positively, whether they’ve passed on or are absent by choice. They may not fit the ideal image, but they are part of your child’s heritage, offering lessons for both you and your child to cherish.

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There isn’t a parent alive who didn’t think they knew everything about raising children until the day they had their own. Like many others, you probably had a firm list of “I never’s” that included who, how, and what you would do with your children once they were born. Then reality sets in, and that angelic face appears, making you realize that just because you didn’t think it was right to choose grandparents as caretakers before, you can’t imagine leaving your child with strangers now. The truth is, choosing grandparents as caretakers instead of daycare is a decision that should not be made lightly. For many families, this new dynamic puts significant pressure on the relationship with parents or in-laws.

Considering Your Parenting Styles

The first consideration should probably be how similarly you and the grandparents feel about parenting. When your child is an infant, there’s not much harm that can be done. However, as your baby grows, you’ll need to raise your child according to your own rules. If the “someone else” happens to be a grandparent, you might find that they are less likely to follow your rules. As a working parent, you are essentially handing over your child during the week to someone else who will spend a significant amount of time with them, shaping rules, regulations, and even decisions about your child’s nutrition and wellness.

For example, if grandma is constantly offering cookies and soda because she doesn’t want to say no, and just wants to be the fun grandma, she might not be the best choice as your child’s primary caregiver.

Managing Boundaries and Expectations

As your child gets older, the lines between being a nanny and being a grandparent can blur even more. The guardian you expect to enforce your rules may not always do so, which can be frustrating and put a strain on your relationship with your spouse and your children. Children, as smart as they are, will begin to look to their grandparents as parental figures, especially since they are spending more time with them. It doesn’t help that many grandparents, as caretakers, are more inclined to say “yes” than you might be. Even though grandparents may not intend to undermine your parenting style, it’s natural that their approach will differ from yours.

So, who wins in the end? That’s hard to say. At some point, however, you might want to consider treating childcare arrangements as a business.

The Benefits and Challenges of Grandparents as Caretakers

On the positive side, you know your child will be safe with their grandparents. Rather than placing them in a building with dozens of other children, they will receive one-on-one attention, homemade treats, and lots of love. This can create a wonderful foundation for your child based on love and trust. However, whether the arrangement works out depends largely on how your parents or in-laws feel about the situation.

If Nana and Big Daddy want to be the type of grandparents who spoil their grandchildren and hand them back when they’re done, they may not be optimal full-time caretakers. It’s unfair to expect them to abandon their idea of grandparenting because you want them to do things differently. In such cases, you may want to hire someone else to take care of your kids, allowing grandparents to enjoy the traditional “grandparent” experience without the responsibility of day-to-day childcare.

Similarly, your children need discipline. Some grandparents, however, may not want to be the ones to enforce it. After all, they spent years disciplining you and might feel entitled to a more relaxed role with their grandchildren. If they do care for your children full-time but refuse to set limits or boundaries, you’ll be in for a challenge when it’s time to bring the kids home. And yes, you may always be the “meanie!” So, it’s important to think clearly and make decisions with your head, not just your heart, when it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers.

A Balanced Approach: Part-Time Caregiving

Probably the best scenario is for the grandparents to ease into the childcare role on a part-time basis. This way, your children get to spend a lot of time with them, but they’re also learning about limits and boundaries from other sources. It allows your child to experience both the joys of being spoiled by grandparents and the structure of being parented. They’ll also learn to love their time with the grandparents without sensing your underlying frustration.

If the grandparents are watching your children full-time, it’s important to talk about some ground rules. It’s okay to have certain things that are off-limits, and they should respect those boundaries. However, remember that your parents love your children just as much as you do, and it may be difficult for them to disappoint or let them down. If an infraction is mild, it’s best to let it go. However, if it’s something you strongly believe in, kindly ask for the situation to change. If it doesn’t, don’t take the kids away from the grandparents, but consider eliminating them as full-time caretakers.

The Bottom Line: Every Family is Different

The bottom line is that every family is different. What works for some families may not work for others. When it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers for your child, only you know what’s best. It might be worth trying, or it might not be something you feel you can handle. As parents, we’re often forced to make decisions and take actions we never thought we would, all to provide the best for our children. In the end, only you will know what’s right for your family. And as a reminder, remember that grandparents are entitled to enjoy their roles as Granny and Papa. If being selected as full-time caretakers prevents them from enjoying their grandparent experience, consider finding another solution out of respect for their role.

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The answer is a tough one. Even if you don’t always agree with your own parents and harbor some resentment about the way they treated you, most adult children still want their child to have grandparents—and they want their children to love them. In return, they hope and pray that their parents will see the error of their ways and magically turn into those “grandparent-type” figures depicted in Disney movies. The problem is that just because people get older, it doesn’t mean they change. And being a grandparent isn’t everybody’s dream come true.

Your kids may not like their grandparents because they seem distant or unable to relate. If this is the case, you should confront your parents when your children aren’t around and see if they are interested in developing a relationship. If they are, try to come up with a plan that works for them and includes your children in their lives predictably. If they seem unwilling to bend or meet you halfway, know that you’ve done all you can. Just ensure your children don’t feel snubbed.

Building Relationships Between Grandparents and Grandchildren

Another reason your children may not like their grandparents is that they don’t spend enough time together. This could be because you don’t allow them to, or because the grandparents are so busy living out their retirement dreams that grandchildren don’t fit into the picture. Either way, relationships take time to form, and just because we’re related doesn’t automatically mean we’ll love and adore each other. The best thing a parent can do is try to allow time for the relationship to develop and see if it does. Instead of focusing on big visits, be content with simple trips to McDonald’s or chatting via Skype or email. Remember, no one can live up to your expectations all the time, and just because you think things should be a certain way, doesn’t mean they will be.

You also need to reflect on yourself. Often, adult children with pent-up resentments or anger towards their parents unintentionally show this to their children. It might not be through words, but rather through actions or the presence you exude when the grandparents are around. Your kids will pick up on this. Sometimes, adult children make comments about grandma or grandpa in front of the kids that reveal their dislike or distaste for the grandparents. While you may not mean to, your children may feel they have to choose sides, and most of the time, they’ll choose yours out of loyalty. If this happens and your children are old enough to understand that you don’t particularly ‘love’ your parents, explain it to them. Tell them that although your parents weren’t great to you growing up, you still believe they will be wonderful grandparents. Remind them that their grandparents love them. This shows your kids that you’re not threatened by them developing a relationship with their grandparents.

There are also times when the grandparents don’t really like their grandchildren. Yes, this hurts—a lot! Generational differences often cause tension between adult children and their parents over how to raise kids. You might not do everything the same way your parents did. You may even have a child who is a bit of a brat or difficult at times. Your parents may not enjoy spending time with them because of behavioral issues. They might not understand behavior disorders or your disciplinary methods. Although this is frustrating, chances are, you’re not going to change their mind. Instead of trying to force them to spend time with your kids, make sure you’re present so they don’t have to take on the role of disciplinarian. If the grandparents tend to be harder on your kids than you are, your children may feel threatened by them and unsafe. Your best course of action is to supervise and be present when they are together, hoping that a relationship and understanding will develop over time.

If your children don’t like their grandparents, it’s up to you as the adult to try and figure out why. Depending on your family situation, you may be able to improve the relationship through counseling or by making changes that bring the two generations together. It can be disappointing when the extended family is at odds, and often the reasons have little to do with the children. There could be issues with your spouse, the other set of grandparents, or even the fact that your parents feel you expect too much. One thing is certain: children have a lot to gain by staying in touch with and remaining close to their grandparents. Although they might not win the grandparent of the year award, there is something your children can learn from them. Be patient, compassionate, and always work from a place of compromise and understanding. If it doesn’t work and you know you’ve tried everything to bring them together, don’t worry. If your children are adamant about how they feel, trust their intuition and give time the opportunity to heal any wounds. You might be surprised how things come full circle in the end.

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With all these high expectations, it is normal to be disappointed. Not in your grandchild of course but in all the ways you expected things to be. Often, grandparents are so excited about this big event in their lives that they forget this child has parents who are excited as well. Likely, your own child and their spouse will work hard to assert themselves and define their own role of parenting. New moms and dads have some pretty big shoes to fill and most feel slightly awkward, and un-confident in the beginning. If you are the kind of grandparent that tries to take over, offer excess advice, and behave like your grown child and spouse aren’t capable of caring for their child, you will likely see your grandchild less than you want.

Why? Sometimes, the sheer thrill of it all makes you forget that you might not always be welcome in your child’s house. They are entering a new phase of life and it is going to take some adjustments and trial and error on their part, in order to get it right. If you are visiting every chance you get and planning your weekends around your grandchild WITHOUT being respectful of your child you are likely being pushy and overbearing. This can result in some resentment. With your first grandchild, you are also likely to simply walk over the birth parents, without meaning to which they will take you undermining their parenting ability. Remember, that even though you are excited and cannot wait to spend every single waking moment with your grandchild you need to make sure you allow the new family some space of their own. A little respect and holding your tongue can go a long way in helping forge lasting bonds that aren’t strained with resentment.

No doubt you want to spoil your first grandchild. Perhaps you are in a situation in your life where you have plenty of time and resources to give, give, give. When you were raising your own children, you knew that spoiling them would only make your life harder. Yet now you can do anything you wish with your own grandchild. Just make sure that you don’t overdo. Try to space your giving out so that you don’t overwhelm the child or put more stress in your child’s life. As for spoiling you have every right to do so. Rather than be the kind of grandparent that is always giving things of monetary value, try to spoil with your time, love, abundant knowledge and nurturing spirit. You have a different angle on life now that you have raised your own children and can see the perfect areas where grandparents can make a huge difference. You don’t have to be in a hurry, you can sit on the floor and read books or play blocks for hours on end. You can rock the baby to sleep and still sit for another hour holding your sleeping grand angel. Your first grandchild will grow up knowing that grandma and grandpa are there for extra love and always have the time and attention the child may need; even if the parents do not. Since you want to be the spoiler, you have to think about whether or not you want to be involved in the day to day caring for or babysitting of your first grandchild. Remember that beyond the early days, this means you will also have to be part of the disciplining and raising of the grandchild. Plus, you will have to adhere to rules and schedules that are set forth by the parents in order to maintain consistency for the child. If you don’t think you will be able to do this, it may be in your best interest to graciously bow out of a long-term childcare position. Not doing so, can cause some relationship hardships down the road.

With your first grandchild, come a lot of dreams. Many grandparents want to make up for mistakes they may have felt like they made raising their own child, by spoiling or doing things different with the grandchild. You are right that the relationship between a parent and child, and a grandparent and child are totally different. However, it is important to keep in mind that no matter what you will always be a very important part of your grandchild’s life and future. Many studies have shown that children who are raised in close proximity to their grandparents not only excel in school, but also have a firm familial foundation in place that helps them to feel more loved and boosts their overall self confidence. You have many things to teach your grandchild. Harness all of your excitement and love and make sure you funnel it into this little life that will certainly be a big part of changing yours.

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Suffice it to say, deciding “what to call the grandparents” can be almost as difficult as choosing a name for your child. And today’s modern family structure doesn’t make this choice any easier. Many kids grow up with several sets of grandparents due to marriage and divorce, and obviously, calling all of them Grandma and Grandpa can be confusing for everyone involved. Combine that with the fact that many grandparents don’t want to be labeled simply as Grandma and Grandpa and have their own ideas about what their grandchild should call them, and you can find yourself in a quandary when deciding what your children should call their grandparents.

For many people, Grandma and Grandpa are “named” prior to your child’s birth. When you announce a pregnancy, you automatically turn the matriarchs and patriarchs in your family into grandparents. Then suddenly, your mother might explain that, since she is “too young” to be referred to as Grandma, she will be called Aunt Laura. (Nice try, Mom!) Or your father might start talking to your belly, referring to himself as Big Pop or Big Daddy. And suddenly, out of thin air, you have a name. This same scenario will play out with all the people involved in your child’s life.

So, your child is born, and they are automatically introduced to their grandparents by name. As the child grows and begins to form their first words, a hysterical twist on what grandparents are called can come into play. The beloved Big Pop or Grandpa phrase can quickly transform into something like Bubba, Mimi, or MooMoo—not because the child thinks their grandparent resembles a cow, but because it’s the only way they can say the word.

The Role of Grandparent Names in Family Relationships

According to sociologists and child development experts, using specific names for grandparents is encouraged to foster relationships, especially when children are young and especially when children are introduced to numerous sets of grandparents. Around the age of 2 or 3, children will begin questioning these relationships and figuring out which grandparent belongs to which parent. Establishing names early on in your child’s life can make this quest much less confusing. This is why it is encouraged to come up with individualized versions of the names used for grandparents.

One word of caution: avoid referring to grandparents with names that resemble those of the parents. Even when young children refer to their grandmother or grandfather as Mom or Dad, experts advise that it should be corrected. Today, since many children are regularly cared for by their grandparents, it is common for young children to confuse their grandparents with their parents. Establishing labels that help children understand familial relationships is important. And for numerous reasons, grandparents should never encourage children to call them “Mommy” or “Daddy.”

Perhaps one of the cutest things about grandparent names is that the children involved will often decide for themselves what to call their grandparents. As mentioned above, this may stem from an inability to pronounce certain words, resulting in a humorous grandparent name. Or a child might simply start calling one of their grandparents a funny or cute name that sticks as they grow. Often, the grandparents are named by the first grandchildren to be born, and subsequent children simply follow suit.

If you have a lot of grandparents in your child’s life, count your blessings. And if you’re running out of ideas for what to call them all, consider some of these options. The first idea is to celebrate family heritage. If your side of the family has German roots, refer to the grandmother as Oma. Or, if you have Spanish roots, call her Abuela. Grandfathers could be called Opa or Abuelo. Another idea is to use variations of the first names, for instance, Grandpa Jo. You could also use the same names for your children’s grandparents as you used for your own, which is often a touching tribute.

Obviously, what to call the grandparents is a big enough issue that a book has been written to help. If you’re completely stumped for a name, check out some ideas from Wellford and Skye Pifer’s new book, The New Grandparents Name List: A Lighthearted Guide to Picking the Perfect Name, available at Amazon Books.

This first list shows the most common and traditional grandmother names:

This second list shows some of the more traditional grandfather names you could choose:

The bottom line: It probably doesn’t matter what you call the grandparents as long as you CALL them! In the long run, no matter what word your child uses to address their grandparents, it will translate into love!

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Grandchildren make grandparents happy. Many grandparents carry around little brag books and suddenly become the kind of parents to their grandchildren that their children wish they were to them. In fact, the birth of grandchildren is like a second chance at life for a grandma or grandpa. During this stage of life, they can truly appreciate the value and purity of the situation. The first grandchild often creates a whirlwind within the family infrastructure, dramatically changing every breath a grandparent takes. Suddenly, all they want to do is rock and play with their grandchildren. Then comes the next grandchild, and things are pretty exciting. Then another, and another, and two more—plus the ones added because their son remarried a woman with two kids. The number of grandchildren quickly adds up.

The Challenge of Playing Favorites
When the children are young, they don’t notice if grandma or grandpa seem to favor one child over the others. But as they grow older, it becomes more obvious. Grandma may adore the babies but seem to give the older grandchildren less attention. When they visit her house, they see countless pictures of her holding her youngest grandchildren, while the photos of her holding them fade into the background. When grandparents play favorites—whether intentionally or not—it can cause significant pain for the grandchildren who feel neglected.

In many households, geography plays a role in grandparents’ favoritism. Some grandparents live close to a few grandchildren, while others live hundreds of miles away. Naturally, the closer grandchildren will have a stronger connection because they share more everyday experiences. As parents, it can hurt to see your mom and dad seemingly neglect your children in favor of your siblings. This may even bring back painful childhood memories of feeling like the “red-headed stepchild.” Often, parents react by making negative comments or keeping their distance, which only worsens the situation.

There are also cases where grandparents play favorites for reasons that aren’t easy to explain. Maybe they’re always available to watch one set of grandchildren, but have an excuse when it comes to yours. You might notice that when the family is together, grandparents naturally gravitate toward a few grandchildren, while others are largely ignored. In defense of grandparents, it’s challenging to divide themselves into eight parts and give equal attention to every grandchild. And let’s face it, the younger, cuter ones often receive more attention because they’re more prone to give hugs and kisses than older children are. Still, this doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Discussing favoritism among grandparents is difficult. Just as no parent wants to defend loving one child more than the other, no grandparent wants to admit they favor one grandchild over another. But let’s be honest for a moment: In life, there are certain people we connect with more easily than others. In a room filled with 25 family members, there are likely 2 or 3 that you feel naturally drawn to. It doesn’t mean you don’t love everyone else; it just means there’s an invisible chemistry that makes you seek out certain people more. The same can be true for grandparents. They may find it easier to communicate with or bond over shared interests with one grandchild more than another. There might also be underlying family tensions between the parents and grandparents, which spill over and affect the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

If you feel that your children are being treated differently, negatively compared to other grandchildren, it’s important to address the issue with the grandparents. Approach the conversation thoughtfully, focusing on what your child sees and feels. Instead of expressing anger—though you’ll likely feel it—remain solution-oriented. If you believe that the grandparents are favoring the younger grandchildren and neglecting the older ones, gently point out that while the babies and toddlers won’t notice the difference, your 12-year-old will. Sometimes, grandparents are so overwhelmed with excitement over a cute little baby that they don’t realize they are “ignoring” the older children. Encourage your children, the grandchildren, to develop their own relationships with their grandparents. While a two-year-old will eagerly run into grandma’s arms, a tween may shy away from the typical cheek squeezes. Help your older children find common ground with their grandparents and let those connections blossom.

If distance is the problem, make an effort to plan special occasions throughout the year to spend time together. You could meet halfway so that your family and the grandparents get some private time without the cousins, which may exacerbate the feelings of favoritism. Be proactive about sending pictures, invitations to special events, and encouraging your children to stay in touch as much as possible.

The bottom line is that the grandparent-grandchild relationship is important. In many families, it’s also short-lived and complicated by long-standing familial issues that have nothing to do with the grandchildren themselves. For this reason, it’s crucial that children are always encouraged to maintain a relationship with their grandparents, and that grandparents are empowered to do the same.

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But when does asking grandparents to babysit, fill in, pay for childcare, pick up the kids from school, and chauffeur them to ball practice become a ‘practice in disrespect’? Are you taking advantage of your grandparents?

In July 2010, CBS News ran a segment entitled, “When Granny Becomes Nanny.” This report, which surveyed 10,000 grandparents, revealed that 61% of them care for their grandchildren regularly. This goes beyond hosting sleepovers, weekend visits, and sharing special activities. For many grandparents, it has become a lifestyle where they are responsible for the day-to-day care of their grandchildren.

The report also explored how the downturn in the economy has led to a resurgence of grandparents as general caretakers for their grandchildren. Adult children are not just calling to ask if grandparents can babysit once or twice a month; they are now expecting them to watch the kids several days a week and on weekends. While family togetherness is valuable and close-knit families are proven to raise healthier, better-adjusted children, is it fair to expect a grandparent to take on the role of a parent?

Grandparents have already filled their parental roles by raising their own children. The circle of life should allow them to sit back and enjoy their grandchildren—spoiling them and spending time with them out of sheer pleasure, not necessity. While most grandparents are happy to watch their grandkids for a weekend so that mom and dad can have some time away, is it fair to expect them to do so regularly?

Additionally, 92% of grandparents say they gladly watch their grandchildren without expecting payment for their time or the expenses they incur—such as food and gas. In fact, one common theme among the grandparents in this survey was that they only wanted appreciation. Sadly, only 13% of the grandparents felt they were receiving that appreciation.

Of course, the benefits of having grandparents as part-time caretakers are immense for the family. The childcare is better because the children are in a loving and nurturing environment. The parents are able to work outside the home. Additionally, when your children are with the grandparents, you can enjoy a weekend getaway without worrying about how they are being taken care of. The problem arises, however, when grandparents are taken advantage of.

One way to avoid taking advantage of grandparents is to truly recognize the value of the service they provide. If grandparents begin to feel resentful because their adult children are being selfish and not showing proper respect, the situation could negatively affect the family dynamic. A therapist suggests asking the grandparents these questions before asking for help with the kids:

• Do they want to be reimbursed for the gas, food, and time they spend on the grandchildren? Remember, you would pay a babysitter and reimburse a friend who feeds your child a snack after school every day. Extending that same courtesy to your parents (if they wish) is important.
• How much notice would they like before you ask for their assistance? Nothing is worse than consistently calling ANYONE—especially someone you love—an hour before you need them and expecting them to drop everything to help with your kids. Establish a rule about planning grandparent childcare.

When leaving the kids with grandparents, consider leaving extra clothes, providing snacks or goods, letting them know if the children are sick or not feeling well, and prepping the kids ahead of time. If the children have behavioral issues, consider whether it might be too much for your parents’ age and physical capabilities. If you are leaving them for overnight visits or weekends, try not to burden grandparents with all the driving and transporting. Remember, they are doing you a favor, so make it as easy as possible for them.

It is also important to consider the grandparents’ schedules. While they may love spending time with their grandchildren, it isn’t fair to assume they always want to watch the kids. Stay mindful of their plans and be considerate of their interests.

Additionally, consider that grandparents may not always be honest about how they feel about taking care of your kids all the time. You may not realize their dissatisfaction until another family member (likely a grown sibling) blurts it out during a family meal. If your children are constantly being babysat by Meemaw and Papaw, while your sibling’s kids are not, it could cause familial tension.

Finally, remember that the golden years of grandparenting are something most people look forward to. After raising their own children, grandparents want to be able to spoil their grandchildren without the pressures of parenting and discipline. If your children are with the grandparents so often that discipline becomes necessary, you may be inadvertently spoiling these golden years. Grandparents want to be grandparents, not parents to your children.

Taking advantage of grandparents is a common problem. Just because they don’t speak up doesn’t mean they don’t feel like pawns in your game. The best solution is to handle your childcare needs and family responsibilities professionally, allowing the grandparents to remain just that—grandparents—rather than long-term, short-order babysitters at your beck and call. Just because it might be easier doesn’t always mean it’s the right thing to do.

And whatever you do, always say thank you and let the grandparents know that they are appreciated!

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